Over the Hills and Far Away (NOLA's Own #1) (50 page)

“What? Are you on his side now?” snarled Lili.

“Of course not! But there are going to be some serious consequences for this. I get it. You had to get out. But—”

“He won’t see it that way,” I finished miserably. “I know. I just couldn’t face him right then—or now, for that matter. I’m…I’m fucking devastated, you guys. Of all the nights he got sucked and fucked…why
that
one?”

“You spared the both of you some serious embarrassment from a public airing of dirty laundry,” Lili said, trying to comfort me. “And, Alys?”

“Yeah?”

“Beautiful nut-chuck. That was fucking brilliant.”

Alys beamed, “Thanks.”

“‘And
that
, ladies, is how you take a douche bag down a peg or three!’” mimicked Lili.

We all started cracking up.

Then, I groaned in utter horror. “Oh, man, you guys…I’m in some serious trouble. I know it.”

This was the second time in one day I’d left him. He could hardly forgive me for leaving in the morning to do yoga without waking him up to say good-bye.

I’m not the one who needs to fix this. He is.

“Oh, shit. Did any of you see his face?” I gasped.

“I did,” replied Lili, her voice hushed. “He looked scared. He looked absolutely terrified.”

“Oh, fuck. I
am
in trouble,” I groaned.

Our house was eerily dark as we pulled into the driveway. A part of me had expected him to be waiting on the front steps. The world felt completely still as we exited Alys’s SUV. It was like the quiet before a storm. Indeed, it was as though an ominous heavy cloud was hanging over us as we entered our home.

Lili shut the front door behind her. “I’m going to put on my PJs and meet you guys in Kenna’s room. We’ll hunker down for the night,” she whispered.

I supposed she was being quiet in case he could hear us.

Hunker down? What? Are we at war now?

But Alys and I both answered with a whispered, “Okay.”

I headed to the fridge and grabbed a few bottles of water, and then I trudged up the stairs.

It wasn’t even eight in the evening, but we all put on our PJs. I put on my ancient NOLA’s Junk T-shirt and a pair of old flannel shorts that really should have been tossed out. Threadbare and holey, the waistband had long ago disintegrated.

Out on the balcony, I took the papasan chair, Alys sat on the beaten-up ottoman, and Lili copped a squat on the floor as she pulled out a blunt.

It was starting to dawn on me.
This could very well be the end.

Am I really so emotionally dysfunctional?
I asked myself.

I had kept Brian at arm’s length with the excuse of having feelings for Phil. As much as I’d cared about Brian, I’d never truly lost myself to him. I’d like to think that some part of me really believed Phil was coming back for me—which, evidently, he had been—and that was the reason for not giving Brian my all.

But what if this is just the same song and dance all over again? What if I am too fucking scared to go in too deep because I’m afraid of emotional pain?

Now, I was running from Phil because it hurt my feelings that he’d banged some tramps the night we met. The man I had secretly adored since adolescence fucking adored me back, and I’d freaked out when it didn’t come up rainbows and unicorns.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Instantly, it became so clear. I was a fucking hypocrite, telling Phil his past didn’t bother me. If it hadn’t bothered me, then whatever he did
that night
shouldn’t have bothered me either. Either I was okay with it, or I wasn’t, and I had to come to fucking grips with it.

I have so little experience with this sort of shit,
I thought.
I don’t know what I should’ve done in this instance.

Of all the fucking nights and of all the fucking chicks, it was
that night
and
those girls
he ended up with.

And that plain fucking sucks!

The differences of how that night had ended for both of us seemed so sad and strange. Because of that night, I hadn’t been able to let another man touch me for another five and a half years. The bottom line was that this was
my
fault. I couldn’t blame Phil for my self-imposed celibacy. That wasn’t fair to either of us. I needed to own that shit and be done with it.

I never expected him
not
to live the rock-star lifestyle. I would have considered it a bit off if he hadn’t.

When I’d slammed the car door, the look on his face had been filled with fear and hurt and anger. I might have very well shut the door on our relationship. I might have very well killed—

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Lili shrieked, and Alys dropped the blunt.

“KENNA!”
Phil’s deafening heartbroken scream encased the whole house.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

His massive fist pounded on the door, and I swore I could feel the vibrations of it coming up from the walls below and through the balcony floor.

My heart was in my throat, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to throw up or piss myself. I honestly had no clue what to do.

“Oh my God, you guys!” gasped Lili, her face a mask of utter anguish. “I think I forgot to lock the front do—”

We heard the front door crash open.

Scrambling to our feet and into my bedroom, we heard pounding footsteps coming up the stairs. The rational part of my brain was insisting that I launch myself over the side of the balcony.

That’s the part of my brain that got me in this mess in the first place!

Alys took my hand, squeezing hard. Lili closed her eyes and whimpered softly.

The door flew open with an almighty crash, and there stood Phil, so angry he was shaking. The look on his face as he stepped over the threshold fucking
inspired fear. He looked ready to draw some blood.

Alys and Lili moved in closer to me. It was either to protect me or seek my protection. I wasn’t entirely sure which.

“Get. Out.” Phil’s voice shook with fury.

Holy shit, I just might faint
, I thought.

I had never fainted before in my life, so I really had no clue as to what it felt like. I had a feeling I was close to finding out though.

Neither Alys nor Lili moved.

“Get! Out!” he roared.

Alys looked at me, and I could see that she loved me, that she was sorry, but she was leaving me to face the consequences of my actions—as she should.

“Okay,” I whispered. “I’ll be okay.”

Her big hazel eyes swung to Phil, and they narrowed in warning. “If you hurt her, I will kill you myself,” she told him. Then, she squared her shoulders and glared at him the whole walk out the door.

Lili gasped in outrage that Alys had abandoned the cause.

“And
you
,” snarled Phil, pointing at her. “You fuckin’ bird-flippin’ Pygmy,
out
.”

“Haven’t you hurt her enough already?” challenged Lili.

He simply walked up to her and lifted her from under her armpits. He kept her at arm’s length, so she couldn’t kick or punch him, and then he deposited her outside the door before softly shutting and locking it.

Phil slowly turned around. His face, his stance, everything about him in this very moment radiated rage and pain. “You
left
me.”

I closed my eyes in my shame, unable to look at him while he’d been eyeing me as though he hated me. I deserved that look. I knew that, but damn, that didn’t make it an easy pill to swallow.

“Yes.” My voice was barely audible.

“Why?” he demanded.

My eyes still closed, I cleared my throat. “Because—”

“You fuckin’ look at me when you speak to me!” he screamed.

My eyes snapped open.
Doesn’t he know that it’s killing me inside, seeing him loathe me like this?

Of course he didn’t. And he didn’t know just how much I regretted what I had done or just how much I was starting to hate myself, the weak sort of person I was beginning to understand that I truly was. I didn’t want to think about it. I couldn’t acknowledge it just yet.

Taking a deep breath, I did my utmost to keep my voice calm. “I left because I thought I would be sick. I was so hurt and so angry with you. I did the only thing I could think of, and I fucking ran,” I choked, feeling that shame in me drowning my soul. “I ran before I ended up doing something stupid,” I finished lamely.

“You
did
do something stupid! You…I never took you for a
coward
, Kenna,” he hissed. “But you deliberately left me while I was screaming your name and running after you! You
ignored
that!”

Coward.
The word described me to a tee. It was the term I was too
cowardly
to coin myself with. But Phil, my beloved, had called me out on it. I
had
to own it.

“Yes. Yes, I did.”

The tic in his jaw was moving madly. “You
bitch
!”

It felt like he had just punched me in the chest, and in more of a knee-jerk reaction, I slapped him
—hard.
His head snapped to the side, and his eyes went wide with shock.

My stinging hand came up to cover my mouth, which was gaping wide in a surprised O with my own shock over what I had just done. “Oh no! I-I’m s-sorry! I didn’t—”

He turned his face back to mine. “Shut up.”

“Phil—” I whimpered
. Fucking, fucking coward!

“Shut the fuck up!” he shouted. “You…” He swelled up with his intake of breath. “You told me,” he said in a voice that was icy, “that our previous sex lives were nothing for
either
of us to be jealous about.”

“That’s true,” I confirmed, my voice small and meaningless.

Next to Phil, I was nothing—not just my voice, but also my pathetic presence.

He
never
would have left me like I had left him tonight.

Wow, I am the lowest, meanest, most unworthy recipient of this man’s affection.

“But
this—
” he snarled, seemingly too pissed to articulate more than that.

Phil’s hand whipped out and grabbed my face. His palm was under my chin, his thumb and fingers biting into my cheeks. It wasn’t painful, not bruising in any way, but it certainly snagged my attention. He closed the distance between us until the wall of heat from his body slammed into mine.

“I’ve fucked more than my fair share of sluts, Kenna,” he told me in the cruelest voice I’d ever heard. “I’ve been sucked off by more skanks than I could possibly count.”

His gaze blasted into mine, and to my horror, this…was totally turning me on.

His body heat scorched me, and the fact that he was touching me at all filled me with relief and desire. I could
smell
him—his rage, his own fear—and suddenly, I was on fire to feel
all
of him.

I needed him to reassure me that he was still
mine
, that he still claimed me as his.

Whoever is listening, I swear, I will never, ever take his affection for granted again! Please, please just give me another chance! I won’t fuck up again, I promise.

His head dipped, and his mouth cruelly crushed down on my own.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

The fear I’d created within me from my own emotional response to him was nothing compared to the fear of losing him. I had been
terrified
that I’d never feel his kiss, his hands, his warmth again.

I didn’t deserve him at all—not his blind devotion, his commitment, his loyalty.
What of these things had I shown him?

Pulling back, his mouth hovering just above mine, he said in a lethal tone, “It was the thought of you that ever got me hard in the first place.”

After shoving me back by my face, he then spun me around and threw me facedown onto the bed. His hands grabbed my shorts and underwear, and he tore them the fuck off.

Oh, hells yes! Fucking angry sex!

“Tell me, Kenna…”

Damn, that voice!

“What is it that really pisses you off about that night?”

The bed beneath my knees sagged under his weight, and using his knees, he forced my legs slightly apart.

“Is it the fact that I fucked some nameless, faceless cunt?”