Owning Regina: Diary of my unxpected passion for another woman (3 page)

There was this woman there that I see some times. She has a bright energy and looks in her late 30’s. She started talking with me and we had an easy time in conversation. You know how with some people it’s really hard to click? It wasn’t like there with her. She invited me to coffee after class next time. It would be nice to have a friend besides Victoria. I mean, I love Victoria, but this girl just seemed nice too… and not as flighty.

--- FRIDAY MARCH 16 --- Maybe a new friend

Had another awesome yoga class. After class, I went to coffee with the woman in class who seemed really cool. Regina. That's her name. It's kind of a cool name and it matches her. She's super skinny and has a great vibe. She’s 38, the kind of girl who sundresses are made for.  Her brown hair was up today, but usually, she wears it down. It looks like a loose perm, but it's natural. She's really healthy-looking and is a vegetarian. She has a spirit that feels light, but there is something very intense within her. She is the opposite of Jenna. Regina clearly has stuff going on besides a joyous facade. I like that. I like the idea that people can have contrast... and depth. 

We went to coffee and it was actually awkward. It was like I didn't want to say the wrong thing and have her reject me. Not that it mattered, but I wanted to be liked by her.  Stupid as it sounds, it felt like going on a job interview to find a new friend. I was so nervous. I even refrained from my usual potty speak and tried to be a somewhat flatter version of myself.  But she saw right though it. She busted me with "You can be yourself with me." And we both laughed because she totally called me on my facade. Fine.

So I proceeded to grill her about her life's details in hopes of finding common ground for a friendship. She really intrigued me. Turns out that the dark intensity I saw mixed in with her bright chi was accurate.

Two years ago, she had a nasty divorce and has been a single mom since then. Well, kind of single. The dad, Alex, fought for 50-50 custody and the judge granted it. Alex is a trust-fund guy who doesn’t have to work for a living. He’s a Scorpio and really erratic. Regina and Alex have a 9-year-old boy named Tucker, who lives with her Monday through Wednesday and every other weekend. She showed me a few photos; He's adorable.

She said she lives a tale of two lives. When she's with Tucker, she is mommy of the year and throws herself at him. She's the super mom, bringing cupcakes to school, volunteering at the fundraisers when she can, and making home baked meals. He is her everything.

When Tucker is away at the dad's, she is lost. She does yoga, gardens, and works as a 5
th
grade teacher. She has worked in the same school for years. She loves San Francisco and uses it to full advantage.  She says guys always try to hit on her, but she is not in the frame of mind to engage. There is something very substantial about her. When she smiles, a soul comes through.

Anyway, I bring all of this up because she hit me out of the blue with: "So why do you always wear boots?” -- piercing into me with a knowing twinkle in her eye. "Huh?" I feigned. "Most people wear flip-flops or clogs to yoga. You always wear high boots and then change into your yoga pants in the bathroom once you get there." Then I figured (even though it was my very first time with this stranger, Regina), if I wasn't going to be honest, I wasn't going to ever develop a friendship worth having. So I came clean with: "You know what? My whole life I have been fascinated by boots. (I actually started to blush). In fact, I have a really strong fetish for boots.  I feel sexy in them. I'm always secretly hoping some guy will see me somewhere and think the same thing."

"What size shoe are you?" she asked. When I told her I'm a seven, she continued, "Hey, me too! Can I try yours on?" she asked very bluntly. My eyes widened. I felt naked. From my view, it felt as personal as asking if she could try on my bra. "You mean, right now?" I stammered. "Sure" she said in a steady, matter-of-fact tone. It was a really an odd request. I mean, has that ever happened to anyone on the planet? But Regina made it seem like "pass the salt."

So I unzipped my boots and passed them over to her. She slipped off her cool, chunky, leather clogs, then pulled on my boots, zipping them over her dark tights. These particular boots were black riding boots with a 3-inch wedged heel. She got up from the table and did a deliberate strut around the cafe, giggling and showing off. A few of the other customers watched her but didn't seem to think anything of it.

Now I saw why I always loved boots. She looked fantastic!!!!! They literally transformed her energy to this more sexual vibe. Anybody, fetish or not, would say she looked spectacularly alluring.

Good thing I’m not into women or I would have jumped on that thing.

After her little tour du cafe, she sat back down and leaned into me. "I don't own a single pair of boots. Unless wellies count,” she said. "I'm going to buy some!"  But then something fucked up happened. Somehow, some strange force took over my mouth and made me blurt out in a dry tone, "Wear them home tonight."

You would have thought I had given Regina a ten thousand dollar bill. She was stunned. She lit up like a spotlight was inside her. "You know what…" and she thought for a moment. "I will." She was beaming. "And you have to wear my clogs."

The whole thing had the strangest energy to it. It was like some kind of sexual metaphor innuendo. Or whatever. I don't know what it was.  All I know is that she kept my boots on when we got up to leave. As we walked out, I said goodbye and watched her walk to her car in my boots. For whatever reason, I was oddly turned on. And she had this playful, sexy energy thing going. I was wearing her shoes! Crazy. I'm still wearing them!! I'm so not into girls, but I must get my vibrator. But first, I'm going to email the farmers market guy now to get that ball rolling.

--- SATURDAY MARCH 17 --- The dating game

Too bad there is no yoga tonight!

The farmer’s market guy wrote back last night within a half hour. His name is Marcel. He works as a sales guy for high-end wine. He seemed really cool. But, my inner naysayer says the luster usually wears off with a second encounter. We're going to meet for a drink at 8pm. I told him I only have 30 minutes, so that I can bail if I have to.

--- Later ---

Ok. I met Marcel. He's an incredible catch. There's just one thing…  Me, in my usual blunt self… pushed him on a couple comments he made once the alcohol had kicked in a little. Turns out, he is amazing and, by the way, he likes to cross dress.  So that's pretty kinky. I could go with that. It's kind of perverted and cool. NOT!  This sucks that I am so judgmental, but nothing turns me off more than a cross-dressing guy. I don't know why I have such a visceral reaction to it. But it's really strong.

It’s ironic that I judge cross-dressing, but hate my own sexual kink being judged.  I don’t know what to say about that other than… I don’t judge him, but just don’t want that in a relationship.  It would be the same as if he smoked. I’m not judging the smoking, I just don’t need that in my life. I admire him for coming clean early on and not playing games until he hooks me on his best qualities. But still, I just can't go there.  Oh, and guess what I wore to the date? Regina's clogs!

--- MONDAY MARCH 19 --- Yoga Friend

How stupid is this? I was actually excited to go to yoga tonight, not because of the yoga itself, but to see my new friend.  But by the time class started, Regina wasn't there. And like some 7 year old, I kept checking the clock every 5 minutes and then checking the door. My mind wasn't on yoga at all.

She never came. Then I remembered that it was Monday night. She must be on mommy duty with her kid, Tucker.  What's funny is I don't even have any contact info for her, just the yoga class. Guess I gotta wait until Wednesday when she shows up again. I feel dumb for being so excited for a friendship.

--- TUESDAY MARCH 20 --- Lunch with my parents

Met my parents for lunch. They are really proud of me for landing and keeping such a great job. They looked good, but sure are getting older. For the first time, my dad, who was a career pilot with perfect vision, finally has to have reading glasses for the menu. My mom put on some weight. Not much, but just enough to show me that I want to always workout and stay healthy my whole life. We only get one body. We need to use it or lose it. 

I've always gotten along great with my parents. They're great, even though they were always smiling in the house and nothing was ever wrong. It could have been worse. They could have been assholes. Between full time smiles or assholes, I guess I would have to pick the smiles. The truth is, our house was pretty sterile, but my parents did the best they could, despite always covering true emotions. Victoria wonders how I got so kinky when I was never abused or molested. I tell her I was born that way. I always like a dark side: Yin and Yang. It's all a balance. I'm wired differently than cheerleaders or librarians or my family.

--- WEDNESDAY MARCH 21 --- After yoga

Today was the day I expected Regina back at yoga. But she didn't come. Just like the last time. I kept watching the clock, etc. We finished class and she never showed. Just then, she came in as everyone was filing out. "Meg!" she called out. I turned to see her standing there… with Tucker. "I couldn't make class tonight (making secret eye gesture to indicate it was because of Tucker).  "Tucker, this is my new friend Meg,” she said.  I shook the 9-year-old’s hand. He was really sweet.

"I wanted to get these to you and felt bad that I kept them so long", she said, handing over Macy's bag containing my boots. "Oh, you didn't have to do that. I could have waited. But thanks" I said, somewhat disappointed. Then I slipped out of her clogs and swapped them for my boots in the bag. For some reason, I was really deflated. It was like swapping shoes was over with her; the magic had passed. I put my boots on. Suddenly, she delighted and said, "They look better on you. (She paused out of not really knowing where to take this next). “Do you want to go out to ice cream with us?"

Tucker looked hopefully interested in my response. But I felt pissy and passive-aggressively wanted to punish her for standing me up all week. Even though it is completely unfair and immature to be put off by something that wasn't personal against me at all, I just felt like being a pouty little martyr. So I told them "No thanks. I gotta get back right away."

Poor Regina's face visibly dropped right in front of me. "No worries, there will be other times," she dejectedly responded, “right?” as she urged with a loaded stare. I answered her with a gentle nod, and then ended by, "It sure was nice to meet you, Tucker. You guys have fun at ice cream." Regina gave me one last tug with her eyes. I could tell this martyrdom wasn't really going to fly next time. They headed off.

As I was rolling up my yoga mat, Tucker came running up to me. He handed me Regina's contact info on a slip of paper. I warmed and smiled at him with a "Thank you so much."   He ran off. When I was walking away, I heard my heels tapping on the hard floor.  To me, that sounds so sexy! I started thinking how Regina's feet had been in my boots before. For some reason, I liked that.

--- THURSDAY MARCH 22 --- Chemistry works both ways

At work, I could hardly focus. Never had an acquaintance affected me so much. We hardly knew each other.  I didn’t even know her last name until Tucker handed it over last night: Regina Baker.

But you know how chemistry is chemistry? That's what it was. There was this connection between us. I never had a friend with that much instant chemistry. I sure hope it doesn't bomb out and turn ugly. Usually, when things go too fast, they either peter out or crash and burn. That's happened lots of times in the past with “friends”.

One time I had this fast and furious friendship with a girl at work. I thought we were going to be best buds and I would finally have someone to hang out with besides Victoria. But when push came to shove over an incident at the office, she fucking lied and blamed me.  So the sparks of chemistry flew even stronger in reverse. It was war!! In a no holds barred attack, I played the game just right so the bitch got fired in front of the whole office. You can do a lot of things, but you can never fuck me. I fight back… smarter!!

The point is, I hope the chemistry I have with Regina doesn't show its flip side. I really don't want to have an intense reversal. But somehow, Regina feels different. Our connection feels more sincere and deep… for all the two hours I have known her!  Regina Baker, I'm going to call you right now!

Crap. She didn't answer. Bitch!  (just kidding).  Still, hearing her voice on the voicemail was satisfying. I left the message: "Thanks for taking the trouble to come by the yoga studio. Tucker seems like a great kid. So sorry I couldn't make it to ice cream. I look forward to seeing you again."  But what I really wanted to say was "Sorry I didn't want to go to ice cream, but you are fucking with my head and I don't want to seem like I desperately need a friend that bad... and I was pissed at you for being away from yoga."