Package Deal (27 page)

Was it more than their physical connection that kept drawing her toward hi
m,
toward what he had asked her on Valentine’s Day? She wanted to t
hink their connection was multi
faceted—rich enough to sustain them both long into the future
.
She decided
sh
e couldn’t talk to him about it,
not without raising the specter that he would as
k her again to move in with him
and she would have to turn him down
.
What had happened to her plans
six months earlier
,
to concentrate on her career
, to concentrate on paying off her loans and building a savings nest
egg
? How had she got herself into such turmoil?

The following Friday,
s
he and Marcus
told Cecelia and Janet they were going to a movie. They left before it was finished, drove to his house, and made love like starving
traveler
s
offered a banquet
.
T
hinking about
it afterward
, she wondered if both of them were trying to figure out what to do, how to move forward, if that was possible, and if not, what they should do.
Amanda went home to a house that no longer felt like the home she wanted, even with Cecelia there. She dreamed of Marcus and what their life together might be
—
but
still she
hesitated.
She had to be sure
…
for herself
, yes, but
especially for her daughter. She had to protect
Cece
from being hurt—if she and Marcus
decided they
couldn’t be together anymore, if he decided he
didn’t want to
be together with her, with the two of them
.

That evening, she dreamed that he proposed marriag
e
in the traditional way, on bended kne
e, but the dream dissolved into a nightmare in which he died, leaving her at the
altar.
She woke then, breathing hard, her pulse racing, her stomach in knots, fearful for herself and for
Cece
.
She admitted to herself, but not to him,
that she was
deeply
in love with him, and feared that s
he was moving too fast toward a dark
unknown.
He hadn’
t said he loved her, but she hadn’t told him that either.Maybe he was afraid to
,
after
the first and only time
he
had
mentioned
marriage and she had nearly taken
off his head
in h
er refusal.
Did he think she was like that other woman he’d mentioned? She could tell he still suffered the hurt of that rejection.
W
ould
he
ever
ask
her
again
? And if he did, when he did,
how would she reply
?

“Mom, I have a question
.”
Cecelia climbed into bed, her copy of
Sea Star
next to her
pillow.

Her mother emerged from the bathroom, her body wrapped in a terry robe, and reached for the book. “What’s your question?”

Cecelia patted the side of her bed.“Sam told me something. It’s just too icky
to be real
. I
t
just can’t be
true.” She laced and unlaced her fingers.

“What was icky?”

“She says that when people are married, the man puts his penis inside the lady. That can’t be right.”

Her mother looked at her and smiled, her brown eyes warm. “Yes, it’s true.”

“Oh,
that is so gross
. Then I guess those pictures weren’t made up.”

“What pictures?”

“Brittany has this book.” Cecelia
watched
in the mirror across from her bed
as
her mother brushed her hair
and her
curls bounced back after the brush moved through them.

“What’s the
book called—did you see the title?”
Her mother
put down the brush.

“Joy or something, I think it was. I didn’t really pay attention. We just looked at the p
ictures. I thought t
hey were
gross
.”

Her mother put her arms around her. “Honey, when a man and woman are marr
ied, they love each other. O
ne way they express their love is by getting very
,
very close. And that includes when he puts his penis in her vagina. And they both like it.”

“I still think it’s icky.”

“That’s okay. When you’
re grown up, you probably won’t think so.” Her mother got up and
went over to
the bookshelf. “Where is that storybook I gave you—when you were f
our
—just before you started reading on your own? Don’t you remember when we talked about what happens when you get bigger and you
get
breasts and everything?”

“Yes, but that book didn’t talk about this kind of stuff. It talked about making babies.” She leaned over and pulled
Eeyore
onto her bed.

“Well, that’s how babies are made, honey. If the man doesn’t put his penis in his wife’s vagina, they can’t make a baby.”

“Oh.” She stopped moving her legs under the covers. “Did
my dad put his penis inside you,
so his sperm and my egg could meet?”

“Yes, he did.”

“Oh
,
gross
, Mom. How could you let him do that?”

“We loved each other. We were making love.”

“But you weren’t married.”

“Yes, well
…
” Her mother cleared her throat. “Somet
imes people who are
planning to get married
… t
hey do that, too,
before they get married.”

“But Sam’s mom says that girls who do that when they aren’t married are bad.She called them a bad name, Sam said. She doesn’t want Brittany to do that.”

“What exactly did she call them?”

“A horse or something. It didn’t make sense to me. I think horses are neat.”

“Does Sam know
your dad and I weren’t married?”

She shook her head. “No. I didn’t tell her. I didn’t want her to call you a bad name.”

“Do you have any
more
questions?”

“Sam says she’s going to marry her uncle when she gets old enough.
He’s
in college now
.
He told her he would wait for her to get out of high school
, but I don’t
think
he was serious, ’
cause he laughed when he said it
. I told Sam
I’m going
to marry Marcus when I get older. If Sam can do it, I can do it.”

“
You mean after you’
re out of high school
?”

Cecelia
pull
ed
the quilt up closer to her
chin
.
“I guess.
I’m too young to get married now.” She paused. “Besides, I don’t want to do that icky
stuff Sam and I saw in the book,
the one Brittany showed us.”

“This book
—does Sam’s mom know about
it
,
Brittany’s book?”

“I don’t
know
. Brittany had it under her bed. It had all kinds of pictures, icky pictures.”
Cecelia sighed and pulled Eeyore under the covers. “I’m going to study really hard so I can skip a grade and get old faster.”

“Why is that?”

“So I can marry Marcus sooner. That will show Sam.”

“Does Sam want to marry Marcus, too?”

“No. But my birthday’s in August and hers isn’t until September. That means I can marry Marcus before she marries her uncle. She said Marcus is too old
for me, but I told her he wo
n’t be too old after I get out of high school. That’s when she says
Brittany
wants to get married. But Sam and I—we’re hoping it isn’t to the boyfr
iend she has now. He’s
really
icky
—and her mom and dad don’t like him
either
.” She yawned.

“But Marcus will be that much older, too, when you’re out of high school. Maybe you’ll meet someone else you’d rather marry by then.”
Her mother leaned over and kissed her on both cheeks. “I think it’s time you went to sleep.”

“
Maybe.
Can
I read
Sea Star
?”

“One chapter, then lights out.”

“Okay.
Mom?
”
Cecelia slid under the covers.

“Yes, dear?”

“I knew you would tell me the truth. It still sounds
gross
, but
I guess
if you really love someone,
then
it’s okay if they do that
nasty
stuff every once in a while.”

Over
spring break in late March,
Cecelia and her mother
drove
with Marcus
to the campground.
While
he
set up the tent
,
her mother
pulled out the dinner fixings.
Cecelia ran around looking for twigs and wood to start the fire.

“We have to hav
e s’more
s for dessert!”
she
insisted
l
ou
dly.

“We will, but first we
need
some man food.” Marcus growled like a bear and flung his arms out at her as she skipped by.

She
sc
reamed and giggled, evading
his grasp.

Her mother smiled
at their antics.
Cecelia
was glad her mother was
so happy.
It seemed like
she was always happy when they were with
Marcus.

“Cece. If you keep yelling like that, you’ll scare the wild animals away. Weren’t you the one who said you wanted to see deer and rabbits and skunks?”
her mother
asked.

Cecelia dumped a pile of small branches near the fire pit. “O
kay. I’ll use my polite voice.”

That afternoon, the three of them walked along the river together, threw stones to see who could make the biggest splashes in the lake, and enjoyed a hike in the woods.

After dinner, they sat on a log and roasted marshmallows to squeeze between pieces of chocolate and graham crackers.After the fire died back to tiny embers,
Cecelia
went with her mother to
the nearby bathhouse to change.

“Are you sure you’ll be warm enough in that?”
her mother
asked, as
Cecelia
pulled a
n oversized University of Iowa T
-shirt over her head.

As her head popped out of the top,
she
looked over at her
mother
. “You have your long one on. I wanted to wear this one—it makes us
like
twins.”

“I guess it does, but I’m also wearing a sweater, in case I get cold. Where’s your jacket
, hon
?”

“Right here.”
She
pulled it
around
her shoulders as she headed back to the fire. “Hurry up, Mom. Marcus said he was gonna tell ghost stories.”

When they returned to the campsite, Marcus had banked the fire and was arranging their sleeping bags
in the tent
.

“Did you put mine in the middle?” Cecelia skipped over to him.

“You asked me to, didn’t you?” He
smil
ed
back at her
. “Are you ready for our ghost story?”

She giggled. “Here. Hold this.” She tossed him her jacket as she wriggled into her sleeping bag.”

“Is that an Iowa shirt I see?”

“
Uh-
huh
. Mom has one, too—only it’s longer than mine, more lik
e a dress. We could get you one.
I can ask my friend
Francie
from Iowa City to send us one.”