Paladin (Graven Gods 1) (25 page)

“You’ve taken in too much evil magic.” My heart sank. Damn it, I hated being right.

“That’s why I didn’t come back to you. Part of the reason. You don’t want me in your head right now. Quite frankly,
I’d
rather not be in my head right now. It’s like bathing in raw sewage. Those men -- the things they did, the people they hurt… You have no idea how fucking bad it is. What it feels like…”

He paced faster, the long restless strides of a man who had to move or explode. “And that’s just the mortals. Valak… thousands of years of evil… I knew it would be bad, but I had no choice. Once it started, I had to burn them all out or he would’ve killed me and you, and then gone right on killing.” Paladin sighed heavily. “It’s bad enough that I’ve got to deal with this. It would destroy you.”

“Why can’t you offload them into stones? Get them out of your head? Iva-Diane could cleanse the magic in the way she did with the last batch.”

“Elder gods, if it was that easy I’d already be in the library doing it. There are too many of them, Summer. You can do it with individuals, but there’s no way to tease them apart and store them.” He braced his hands on his hips and looked at the ceiling. “And that doesn’t even count Valak.”

I stared at him, a chill rolling over my skin as I realized where he was going with this. “You’re afraid it’s going to drive you insane.”

He made a choked sound that definitely wasn’t a laugh. “I’m trying to keep it together, but I didn’t realize it would be this bad.”

“But I don’t understand. Zanos-James, the other avatars, they fight these assholes too. Don’t they go through this?”

He shook his head. “It’s different for them. I’m a god of Justice, which means I must judge them. It’s part of what I am, the core of what my people made me. I touch their minds in a way the others don’t have to. As a result, I get the full force of the evil that the men I judge committed over their lives. Maybe I could have handled Valak, if it hadn’t been for them. But
all
of them, at once? It’s…” He shook his head, his big hands coiling into fists of frustration, anguish on his face.

I watched helplessly as he ping-ponged from wall to wall, back and forth, back and forth, his fisted hands shaking.

Licking my lips, I tried to think of something. “What about my mother? She must’ve gone through this too.”

“Yes, but we had Eris then. That damned sword made all the difference.”

I remembered how she’d sneered at me, accusing me of being weak. Maybe she’d been right. “How? What could Eris do?”

“She’s a goddess of birth and death.” He shot me a look out of eyes that scared the hell out of me. Paladin, normally so cool and strong, was slowly coming apart at the seams. “She could filter the magic, purify it and return it to us as pure power. I could judge offenders without the worst of the effects.” He shook his head, shoulders rounding. “But after your mother died, that was it. She was done helping me.”

“Then we just need to change her mind. You can’t go on like this.” I bared my teeth. “That metal bitch is just going to have to get over it.”

Paladin laughed, but there was absolutely no humor in it. “You don’t know her very well. I’ve fought with Eris about one thing and another for thousands of years, and I’ve never been able to change her mind once it’s made up.” He turned and headed for the door. “Look, I need to find a fight or get drunk or do something before I lose my mind. I’ll see you later.”

I stiffened in alarm. “Wait, I’ll go with you.”

He just kept going. “Frankly, I don’t want you in the blast zone. Don’t worry, all the Valakans are dead. I’m not likely to get in that much trouble.”

“But what about the poor humans you run into?”

“They’ll be fine.” Before I could get another word out of my mouth, he was out the door and gone.

And I didn’t believe him. The humans wouldn’t be fine. Neither would he. He’d lost it. Otherwise he’d never take that sort of risk with other people’s lives. I stared at the closed door. I knew I had to do something. I also knew what that something was.

As my stomach coiled into a knot, I headed for the wine cellar.

I’ve fought with Eris about one thing and another for thousands of years
, Paladin had told me,
and I’ve never been able to change her mind once it’s made up
.

Maybe not, but I wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

I licked my lips, staring at the golden coil of the tiger’s tail that made up Eris’ basket hilt. I was going to have to reach in there and draw her, and I dreaded it as if that tail was red hot.

“What the hell are you doing?” a voice demanded behind me.

“Shit!” I jerked around.

Calliope standing in the doorway, her tail lashing, her eyes blazing blue and narrow. “You’re not seriously planning to draw that bitch blade, are you?”

“You scared the hell out of me.”

“That’s nothing compared to what Eris is going to do. Do not draw that weapon.”

I sighed and rubbed the center of my chest where a cold ache had taken up residence. “I’ve got to, Cal. Paladin’s losing it. He took in too much evil tonight. He’s not going to be able to process it without Eris’s help.”

“He’s got a better chance of surviving that than you do of convincing that bitch god. She meant it when she told you to stay away. She’ll hurt you. Badly. She’s the kind who’s never wrong, and you’re not going to change her mind.”

“Maybe. Or maybe I can make her see reason. Either way, I’ve got to try.” My voice dropped as I admitted my worst fear. “I’m afraid he’s going insane.”

The cat winced and sat, coiling her tail over her paws. “Yeah, I was afraid of this when he killed Valak and his asshat boy band. Processing all that darkness, feeling the viciousness of those men, of that goddamn dark god… maybe Zanos-James could’ve gotten away with it, but a god of justice? He gets too up close and personal with the bastards he judges.”

“Do you think Eris would be able to filter it for him?”

Calliope sighed and settled down on her belly. “Quite frankly I have no idea. But even if she couldn’t eliminate all of it, maybe she could drain off enough, he could deal with the rest.” She flicked an ear. “Then again, maybe not. It’s a crap shoot.”

“It would still give him better odds than he’s got right now.” I turned and looked at the sword again, flexing my hand in anticipation of closing it around that golden hilt.

This was going to hurt like hell.

Calliope’s voice dropped, quiet and dead serious. “Summer, she may kill you. Paladin would
not
want you to throw your life away on this.”

“It’s not throwing my life away if it works. All I have to do is convince her I’m worthy.” I forced a grin. “Any idea how I could snow her?”

Calliope’s tail lashed in outrage. “Damn it, you
are
worthy. I don’t care what that old bitch says. A weak woman wouldn’t even contemplate something like this.”

I snorted. “This has less to do with strength than crazed desperation.” My voice dropped. “I’m in love with him, Calliope. I can’t let him suffer without doing something, or I’ll end up as crazy as he is.”

Calliope surged to her feet again. “Let
me
try it. Maybe I can talk her into…” Her tail dropped. “Oh hell, I’d have to draw the sword to wake her…”

“And you don’t have hands.” I squared my shoulders. “So, it’s up to me.”

The cat ghosted over and looked up into my eyes. “Yep, you’re your mother’s daughter, whether Eris wants to admit it or not.” Her ears flattened. “Remember when that clique of cheerleaders was bullying you in high school? Mary offered to let you graduate early so you could get away from them, but you wouldn’t hear of it.”

“Why would I let a bunch of stuck up little bitches run me out of
my
school? I had just as much right to go there as they did. It was all bullshit.”

“Yes, but the point is they were making your life hell, and you refused to give in. Nobody would have blamed you for leaving.”

“I would have.”

“That’s what I mean.” She walked a figure eight around my feet, her shoulders butting my calves in a comforting silken stroke. “Whether you remembered your mother consciously or not, you were still her child. You wouldn’t back down. She raised you to be brave, and you
are
brave.”

“Yeah, Mom and Dad worked hard at that.” I remembered our daily magical combat practice, the sword drills when Mother’s weapon was longer than I was tall. I couldn’t have been more than three at the time. “She used to tell me, ‘Never back down from a fight, Summer. Other lives than yours may be on the line.’”

“I remember.” Looking down into Calliope’s intense blue eyes, I saw her utter belief in me. “And Ulf was right when he said she’d be proud of you.”

Her faith bolstered my confidence. I could do this. It might not be any fun, but it was necessary. I picked up the sheathed sword and slid my hand into the coiled tiger tail of the basket hilt. The cool metal began to warm, and the coil suddenly jerked tight around my wrist in a painful clamp.

The gold heated, grew hot. And hotter still, until I had to fight the instinct to jerk my hand away. Teeth gritted, I held on until I could smell my own flesh sizzling. “
Fuck you, bitch! You’re not forcing me to give up
.”

I took hold of the rapier’s sheath in my free hand, jerked it off, and threw it aside. It clattered across the floor. “
Eris
!”

She answered in a sandstorm, first as a rattle of hot sparks that built rapidly into a scouring acid rain. “
I can’t believe you had the gall to touch my hilt again. Have you decided you’re ready to die after all
?”

Hissing breath through my teeth, I showed her my memories of the night’s events, from our capture through Paladin’s destruction of our enemies. “
Their crimes are driving him insane. He needs you to drain away the evil
.”

“
And your mother needed him in the hour of her death. Instead Paladin left her to die alone
.”

“
You know perfectly well my mother begged him to save me. He didn’t want to leave -- it haunts him to this day -- but she wanted at least one of her children to live
.” And it was true. I could see the memory Paladin had left behind in my brain, the pain and regret he felt.

“
Yes, she sacrificed herself for you. And look how you turned out
.” Her contempt scalded me. “
A weakling. And stupid as well, to walk into such an obvious trap as the one Valak laid for you. And now you expect me to save your equally gutless lover from his own weakness? Ha! This world is well rid of him
.”

“
He is the god of justice, Eris! The world needs him
!”

“
He’s
a
god of justice. There’s plenty more where he comes from
.”

I’d never felt such rage, not even when it seemed Valak was going to kill us all. After all the people he’d saved, he deserved better from her. “
How dare you
?” I snarled, so angry I told her exactly that I thought. “
You crawled into that sword when your last host died, and you
quit
! And you call
us
gutless
?”

“
What did you say
?” Her power began to pound at me even harder, no longer a sandstorm but thudding fists battering my bones, deforming my flesh. “
Watch your tongue, worm
!”

Fury alone kept me on my feet as she ripped at me. “
Kill me if you want, but that doesn’t change the facts. Paladin loved his hosts every bit as much as you loved your Aaron. But he never retreated, never hid, no matter what price he had to pay
.”

I showed her the memories of all the men and women who’d fought beside Paladin, who’d worshiped and believed in him. I showed her his love for my mother, so intense he gave her up to save me, though it was the last thing he’d wanted to do.

I showed her how Paladin had suffered when he absorbed the evil of Valak’s serial killers, drinking the consciousness of murderers and suffering the fates of their victims. All in order serve justice and save those who would otherwise have died. “
Meanwhile you hid
!” I spat, letting my own contempt show, even as she howled around me like a hurricane. “
You couldn’t stand the pain of losing
one
host, when he’s lost hundreds
!”

“
You know nothing about me or my Aaron! He was brave and brilliant and the greatest host I ever had. You’re not even fit to say his name
!”

“
Then he’d be ashamed if he knew how you’ve hid from the world! If he knew how callous and vicious you became, he’d curse your name
.” With all the strength of my fury, I spat, “
You know what? Forget it! I’m better off without you. What good is a coward’s power
?”

“
Good enough to end you
!”

“
Go ahead! Do it! At least I won’t die haunted by the memories of your failures
!”

“
You bitch
!” She hit me in a blinding wave of magic, flaying my consciousness, searing me until I smelled my own skin crisping, felt it peeling away from bleeding bone. The pain was a shrieking devil with red-hot claws and no mercy whatsoever.

I didn’t care. All I felt was rage and loss. My mother, my father and Richard had all died. Now I was going to lose Paladin. This metal cunt could have helped me save him, but she was too wrapped up in herself to care.

But there was someone Eris had cared about. So I threw her own words back at her. “
My mother would weep
!”

The heat and fury intensified, and I knew she was about to burn me out of my own brain just as Valak had threatened to do.
Dead, I’m so dead, and I’ve just killed Paladin
…

Damned if I’d surrender. I braced myself against the howling wind, my lips peeled back from my teeth as I screamed defiance at Eris. At death. At life, from taking away everyone I’d ever loved. “
Paladin, I love you
!”