Panic (29 page)

Life beyond Rook’s face ceases to exist.

I kiss her. Not hard and desperate, no. I kiss her softly. I kiss her like the precious thing she is. I kiss her gently. And passionately. And carefully.

And when our tongues are tired of the kiss and we need to come up for air, I dip my mouth into her neck and whisper, “What did you do?”

She leans back in my arms, but her legs are still wrapped around my middle and my hands are still cupped under her ass. “Fiona, it’s me, Shrek. I rescued you from your tower to prove I’ll fight for us. I’ll fight for us every single time. You’ll never even have to wonder if I’ll be there, because I’ll show the fuck up before that thought can even cross your mind. I want you, Ronin, and I’ll risk everything for you. I will never walk out on you.”

I squeeze her. I just want to make her part of me, pull her so close that we merge together and become one soul. “I love the fuck out of you, ya know.”

She smiles and then gets a little more serious. “I hope you still have it,” she says.

“Have what, babe?”

“My heart. Because it’s the only one I got and I don’t want to lose it.”

I pat my chest. “I put it right here, Gidget, right next to mine. I’m gonna hold on to it for you. Keep it safe forever.”

Antoine throws us a huge party. Everyone shows up.

And relief washes over me for the first time in a long time. Relief that says things are gonna be OK now.

Rook didn’t drink even one beer tonight. Not even one. I noticed this early so I stopped drinking too. She’s perceptive, but so am I. It’s part of my training. Usually I watch so I can imitate later, bring those feelings and emotions out in modeling or lying to the fucking cops during an interrogation. But with Rook I watch because I want to learn more. I want to find her secrets and uncover her soul.

What she said at the press conference revealed a lot about her, but I know there’s more. And if she’s getting ready to tell me tonight, the last thing I want to be is drunk when she finally gets enough courage to say it.

I’m already in bed, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom. The water shuts off as she finishes brushing her teeth, then the door handle jiggles and she appears wearing some lacy pink boy shorts and a white tank top.

Just Rook.

But she’s got something in her hand when she gets in bed and I know this is it.

“I have something to show you, Ronin.”

I look at the paper clenched in her fist and then up at her eyes. Tears are already flowing down her face. “What is it, babe?”

She wipes them away and then thrusts the crumpled paper towards me. I take it and realize it’s a picture.

My world stops.

When she’d told me she’d lost a baby, I’d figured it was early in the pregnancy. But in this picture she is very pregnant. And she looks young in that peach dress. Her expression says she’s happy, her hair is pulled back, and her bare feet and ankles are so swollen I almost start to worry about pregnant Rook. When I look up she’s got her hands over her mouth, trying to stifle the sobs. I hug her close and we sink down into the covers a little more. “What happened?” I ask in a soft voice.

She opens her mouth to speak, then stops and shrugs her shoulders. “It was an accident.” She nods her head and says it again. “A terrible accident and I lost the baby. I do want kids, Ronin, but this”—she taps the picture with her finger—“this feels like it happened
today
, that’s how bad it still hurts. I almost had him, Ronin. My son was two weeks away from being born.” And then she breaks and rivers pour down her cheeks. “I’m sorry I’m so emotional and indecisive, but I’m just not over it yet.” Her eyes peer up to me, her dark lashes heavy with tears. “That baby…” She stops and chokes on a sob and my chest is suddenly filled with sadness. An aching that pours into me and makes me hold her tighter. “I was gonna name him Jake.” She looks away and takes a deep breath. “And his crib was white.”

“Rook, I’m so sorry, babe.” I feel like total shit dragging her to that baby store.

“It’s not your fault, Ronin. I tried to forget about it, to pretend it never happened.” She looks up at me again. “But it did happen. And I can’t be over it yet because I never took the time to just… experience it. But I’m gonna do that now. I’m gonna make an appointment with a counselor. And one day…” She stops to sniff and wipe her face, taking her time until every last tear is dry and her breathing is slow and calm. She turns those bright blue eyes up at me and nods. “One day, I’ll be ready.”

At that same moment I give her what she needs, I tell her what she wants to hear and what I need her to understand. “I’ll be here waiting. I will wait forever. If that’s what it takes. I’ll wait for you until the end of time.”

She takes the picture and places it gently on her bedside table and then snuggles down into my chest. “You saved me, Ronin.”

“And you saved me, Rook.”

“So I guess we’re even.”

“I guess we are.”

“And I’m still Shrek because I’m the one who thought of it.”

I laugh and kiss her on the head.

My world will never be the same. This girl blew in like the spring wind and whipped me around like a hurricane. She took over my life, she got Spencer to commit to her, and she made Ford feel things. Antoine and Elise love her so much they want us to be godparents and she got an entire city to cheer for her and set me free.

She is a force.

And she’s not done yet, I can feel it.

Hurricane Rook is just picking up speed.

Epilogue - FORD

The Chaput New Year’s Eve party is famous in Denver. I’m not a party person and for me New Year’s Eve is a time to be alone, so I’ve only ever been once besides this year. I wouldn’t even be here tonight if we weren’t filming for the season finale of Shrike Bikes, but Rook disappeared almost the entire month of December with Ronin. First the GIDGET runway show in LA, then a week in Cancun, then Christmas.

So, here I am, trying to pin her ass down and get this over with.

I’d rather be anywhere but here. I’d rather talk to anyone but her.

The entire studio has been cleared of equipment and replaced with tables and a dance floor. The band is playing, the lighting is moody and atmospheric, and there are almost three hundred people here all dressed in black. I’ve finished the exit interviews for everyone except Rook, but she’s conveniently made herself scarce.

A waitress walks by with a tray and I tap her on the shoulder as she passes. “Have you seen Miss Corvus?” I ask politely. I creep her out, I can tell, because she immediately pulls away from me and then points wordlessly over the crowd to Antoine’s office.

She’s gone before I can thank her.

It’s quite difficult to be polite and when I’m handed rudeness in return, it makes me want to morph back into the old me.

I drop that thought as I make my way through the throngs of people and spy Rook standing just inside the door with Veronica. They are thick as thieves these days. If I were Spencer I’d watch out. They will be into trouble soon, if they’re not already.

Ronnie is wearing a short black dress with very high heels. Her look says she takes her fun seriously.

Rook, on the other hand, is dressed like a dark princess. Her dress is not a dress. It’s a gown. A long midnight-blue gown that breaks the black only rule, but no one cares because she is stunning. The dress has a tight strapless bodice and elaborate skirts that touch the ground. Her hair is flowing down her back in long waves and atop her head is a shiny blue cardboard tiara.

Just as she turns and spies me, the light catches the blue of her eyes and her crown at the same time. It’s like a flashbulb and my mind takes a picture.

“Rook,” I say loudly and with a smile. She winces and it’s official. She’s been avoiding me. “It’s your turn, let’s go.” Veronica pats her on the shoulder like she needs her sympathy and that makes me angry. But I strike through that emotion and beckon my friend with a finger.

“Ford,” she starts. “I’m not in the mood. I’m tired of talking. I’m sorta drunk. I’m not ready for this. I’m—”

She goes on and on like that but she follows like a good girl and I just tune it out. We exit the studio and walk down the hallway to the room where I’ve set up the camera. When I wave her through the doorway she’s still talking about waiting guests and Ronin missing her if she stays too long.

I nod.
Yes, yes, yes, I get it
, that nod says. I motion for her to sit. She sits. She always does as she’s told when I’m the one asking.

It should make me feel good, that I have this control over her. But it doesn’t.

I sit across from her and sigh.

And it’s only then that she notices. I’m surprised it took her so long, her skills at reading body language are astute.

“What?” she asks. “What’s going on? Did something happen?”

“I’m not going to tape an exit interview of you, Rook. We have so much footage of you from the news, there’s no need.”

She smiles and the knife slips in. She gathers her dress in her fingertips and rises out of the chair. “Good, then I’m not needed here and I’ll just be going,” she says, twisting the knife just a little.

“I’m leaving,” I say quickly.

“What?” she asks, halting her fleeing feet mid-stride. “But it’s not midnight yet.”

“I just want you to know I did it all for you,” I say, ignoring her statement. “And I’d do it again if that’s what makes you happy. I only ever wanted what’s best for you.”

Her whole body softens at my words. “Ford…”

“And I understand why you wanted to stay in community college and finish your general ed classes and not transfer into Boulder just yet. Online classes are better. The weirdoes and haters are thinning, but they’re still out there, so that keeps you safe. I’m proud of you, I want you to know that. Whatever makes you happy makes me happy.”

She sits back down, rests her elbows on her knees and props her chin up in her hands. Surely she knew this would have to end eventually.

“If it were anyone else, anyone but you who wanted me to give them so much for so little in return, I would’ve walked away and never looked back a long time ago. But you make it so,
so
difficult to turn away. And I couldn’t let the sadness and pain touch you. It drives me mad when you’re unhappy. I lie awake at night wishing I could bring Jon back to life and torture him myself. I wanted to kill that Abelli asshole for even entertaining the thought of selling you. I want to pull you into my chest right now and keep you for myself. Because, Rook, I just want you.” I stop to study the shock on her face for a moment before continuing.

“I. Fucking. Want. You,” I say, my voice a deep rumble in my throat. “If I’d found you first instead of Ronin, you’d be mine right now. And I’d never let you go. I know what you think of me, of the girls I have, of my”—I look away for a fraction of a second, then drag my heated stare back to her slumped shoulders and sad face—“idiosyncrasies. But I am nothing like Jon. I have never been anything like those men on that list.”

“I know that, Ford,” she says softly as she reaches out to touch my arm.

“Don’t.” I pull away before she makes contact with my suit coat. “You can
not
touch me. If you touch me…” I shake my head, unable to continue.

“If I touch you what?” she asks with an air of challenge.

My own mother hasn’t even touched me as many times as Rook has, so this probably does deserve an explanation. “If you touch me I’ll touch you back. I’ll cup your face and kiss your mouth. I’ll hold you close and make you choose me.” I stop and swallow hard and then lean into her space and whisper, “I’ll ruin everything if you touch me. I’ll ruin us. I’ll ruin this. I’ll ruin you, just like you said. I’ll ruin you and I’ll ruin your life. And I love you too much to ruin you. So I’m leaving.”

Her shoulders slump a little more. “I don’t want you to leave, Ford. I’m not sure life without you is possible.”

“And I’m not sure life with you is possible. I can’t watch you with him, Rook. I’m seething with jealousy. It infuriates me that time and time again he gets what he wants. Ronin pulls love towards him like he’s gravity.” I stop to laugh. “He only has to ask and love appears in his life. And me? I beg for it. I want love more than anything, yet everyone thinks I’m insufferable.” I kneel down in front of her and shake my head. “Everyone but you, Rook. You are the only person on this entire Earth I care about. And you belong to someone else. And if it were anyone but him I’d just take you and say fuck the consequences. But you chose one of two people who will stand by me no matter what I do. And even though these days I count Ronin as a friend, and I would never betray him, I’m
so fucking jealous. His life since Antoine has been one long string of lucky breaks. And every day I ask myself, why? Why does he get you? Why does he deserve this luck and I’m always left with nothing?”

I shrug and stand up and her eyes follow me, making her head tilt.

It takes every ounce of willpower not to slip my hand across the milky white skin on her throat, grasp the back of her neck, pull her towards me, and claim her mouth. “This isn’t even me talking right now. I don’t feel these things, Rook. Ever. When did I become capable of jealousy?” I huff out some air. “Well, it’s not really a mystery. It was the day I met you, that’s when. You’ve changed me, Rook. You make me weak, you make me stumble, you make me fall, and even though I know you’ll pick me up if I ask you to, it’s not enough. I want you to make me stronger, just like I made you. I want it all or I want nothing. And since I can’t have it all, I’ll take nothing.”

She stares up at me in silence, the shock of my words displayed on her face.

I can’t stand to see the hurt in her eyes. I can’t stand to see her fear and sadness as the realization of what’s happening finally sinks in.

So I do what I have to do. I make it worse.

So she’s left with no more doubts about what kind of man I am. So she will release her hold on me. So she will stop looking at me like she cares.

So I can let go and move on.