Paper Cranes (35 page)

“I wish I weren’t. I watched my daughter deteriorate day by day and the one person she needed the most, left her to suffer by herself. If it weren’t for that little boy right there,” she pointed toward Jackson, “she would have taken her own life. I guarantee you that.”

“You are a wonderful woman, Kat. You remind me so much of her, but I can’t allow you to tear that boy apart like Lee did my daughter. He deserves to have a constant in his life. He needs someone who will be there for years to come. I don’t mean this to be ugly, but if you care about him at all, let them go.”

She was right, we were now a three. It wasn’t just Lee I needed to watch out for anymore.
But how could Lee leave like that?
And, how was he so sure about us considering. My head was swirling with panic. My life was on a roller coaster ride without breaks.

I had wanted to yell and scream at her as if she were wrong. That Lee could never be so vile and evil. That he cared about her completely up until the day she passed. That he willingly took Jackson as a form of their legacy. But I knew that was a lie, a horrible and shameful lie.

Lee looked over in our eyes as the happiness that was once there turned to panic. He knew exactly what Betty was confessing, which only confirmed what she was telling me. I knew this was too good to be true.

After my conversation with Betty, I decided it best to drop off Jackson and Daisy at Lee’s house as we drove to my house. Driving back to my house in silence, a traditional New Orleans jazz funeral procession halted the truck. A white mule pulled the glass coffin as a brass band played, “A Closer Walk to Thee.” The somber sway of the mourners followed the flower-covered coffin as they slowly made their way to the gravesite where they would “set the spirit free.”

Seeing that we weren’t going anywhere anytime fast, Lee pulled the truck up to the curb parallel to the graveyard. Though some mourners wore black and carried black parasails, a handful wore white and carried very decorative umbrellas. The array of colors mirrored a beautiful rainbow as their fringed tassels blew blissfully in the breeze.

Watching the family and friends come to a peaceful stop just outside a tomb, their faces were not of sadness, but of love and freedom. Their loved one was at peace. As they slid the coffin into the tomb covered by a drape, the minister preached to his congregation. I had never been a spiritual person, but something about this display was beautiful. As morbid as this sounded, it was a picturesque way to send your loved one to their final resting place.

The drape was removed as the casket was enclosed into the tomb. There were no outburst or sobs, but merriment and glee. The individual no longer suffered for which the family was grateful. The somber mood quickly changed to celebration as they remembered their loved one. The band struck up the beautiful sounds of, “When the Saints Go Marching In” as the parasail’s bobbed up and down, while making their way out of the gravesite.

Their rhythmic march keeping beat with the band as spectators join in the festivity. The mourners did not shun them away, but welcomed them with open arms. A stunning display of grievance turned to joy.

“Ready to go?” Lee asked as we made our way back into the street.

“Yeah,” I said quietly as I continued to glare out the window. I wiped a tear from my damp cheek, praying Lee hadn’t seen.

As we made our way down the road, we stumbled upon and old junkyard. The car was creeping along, but relatively quickly. Lee pulled my hand to him, sensing something was wrong. Wrenching it away, I jumped out of the cab. Jumping out behind me, he swiftly caught up.

“What’s wrong, Kat. Please talk to me,” Lee grabbed my wrist. Spinning around, my eyes filled with tears. “Was it the funeral?”

“I’m furious.”

“Is it me, because I…”

“God, no it isn’t you. Well, it kinda is. Fuck! I’m just exhausted with life. I try so hard to keep it together, but truthfully, I’m frightened deep down. I’m terrified of this journey; one I didn’t choose for myself. It sounds selfish, but what the hell did I do to deserve this? Huh?”

“You didn’t do a thing, sweetheart. That is the shitty part about this disease – you didn’t do a damn thing.”

I picked up a crumbled can and hurled it at a window pain. Shattering the glass, the motion felt liberating. Maybe this was exactly what I needed to vent.

“I think about the future and I can’t take it. I beg that I’m going to wake up one day and it’ll all have been a big joke, but that’s not going to happen. I’m afraid of the days where I wake up and can’t move my legs or even smile any longer. Do you know how frustrating and sad it’s going to be when I can no longer laugh or smile about life? I am going to be a prisoner in my own skin.”

“I can’t even pretend to know what that feels like.”

Grabbing a rock this time, I paced back and forth as I found my next victim. I slammed the stone into a rusted pickup truck windshield, watching the glass splinter, crack and explode. My chest began to heave as I tried desperately to hold it together long enough to get what I needed to say off my chest. I picked up another rock and began tossing it up and down in my palm

“I was on a social media site the other day, and a “friend” of mine reached out. I thought to myself, how thoughtful. She then proceeds to ask me if I experience so-and-so symptoms. I kindly replied no, however I am not a physician and to have a doctor check her out. Want to know what her reply was? She actually said, “Oh. Thank. God.” Yeah, like,
Thank God I don’t have that horrendous disease, oh but, I’m here for you.
What total bullshit. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. Unfriended.”

I chucked the rock at a heap of beer bottles, listening to them clang in rage.

“You know what, it
does
bother me I won’t have kids. It
does
bother me that I’m going to be such a burden to everyone around me that taking my own life feels better than to suffer for those and the ones I love the most. I’m mortified that I won’t be able to take a shower by myself or even control my own bowels. I’m petrified that one day, everyone will leave me and then I really will be alone in this. I’m scared no one will even remember me.”

I finally cracked. Every thought, emotion, sadness and grief spilled out of me like lava. Brewing in my gut, just trying to evacuate my body as quickly as possible.

“You will NEVER be alone. If it’s just Jackson, you and I at the end, that’s all that matters. Listen to me and you listen to me good, Dove. You. Will. Never. Be. Alone.”

The despair ripped through my body as I crumbled to the ground. My knees crash to the dusty earth as I pressed my hands on my thighs, gasping for a breath.
Is this what he told Mel too?

“Do you know what I think about when I’m out in public, or when I meet people?” I ask with a menacing chuckled. Not amused that I was losing control right now.

“What?”

“I think this person seems nice. I wonder if they will attend my funeral, or will I be just a blip on their radar. It’s not happening to them, so why should they care? And you know what really fucking pisses me off?”

“Huh?”

“I’m
so
angry. I’m so very angry that pharmaceutical companies don’t take more time to research a cure or drug for ALS. Inside all those labs they are saying, “They’re terminal, why should we care?” That’s the shit that pisses me off. I matter dammit. I deserve a fighting chance. I need to believe I’m worth saving.”

“You are worth saving.”

“Leave me,” I barely muttered.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I can’t, no, I won’t let you do that. You need to live your life. Be with someone who will make you happy all the time. Someone who can give you kids. I want you to have all of that and more. Don’t you get that?”

“I get it, but I don’t care.”

“You need to get as far away from me as possible, Lee.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he insisted.

“God, dammit. Leave you stubborn son of a bitch,” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“No,” he said softly as he dropped to his knees next to me.

“Why the fuck won’t you just leave. I don’t love you. Can’t you see that?” I pounded his chest as the tears poured from my eyes.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.”

“I do, I really do. I hate your stupid paper cranes and I don’t love you. I never have. I. Don’t. Love. You.”

“Come here, baby,” he reached for me.

Even though I spit those awful lies, I didn’t mean a single word of them. I was completely and totally in love with this man.

“Let it out. Get angry. It’s okay.”

“I…I…”

“Let it all out.”

“I fucking love you so much that it’s tearing me apart,” I sobbed without remorse.

“I know you do, baby.”

“I feel like someone is ripping out my heart and smashing it to pieces.”

My tear stained cheeks were now covered with mud as the dust settled on my damp skin. Every cough, choke and sob came straight from my heart as I finally let myself fully grieve. The fact that Lee stayed there, holding me hurt even worse.
Why wouldn’t he leave? If he was fighting for me now, why didn’t he fight this hard for Mel? I just don’t get it.

“Dove, look at me. You are going to push me away probably a thousand and one times, but just know that every time; I’m coming back to you.”

Lee swept away the strands of hair before they fell into the mess spread across my cheeks. Cupping my face, I could see his face was damp as well.

“You are one stubborn woman, but I love that about you. You can kick, scream, yell and call me every name in the book you want, but I’m not going anywhere. Yes, are you going to have shitty days, ya damn right, but I’ll be right by your side the whole time. Sure, most men would have left by now, but I’m not most men. Hate to break it to you, but you’re kinda stuck with me.”

“Yes, our time together is limited, but that’s not going to deter me from loving you every second of every day. I need you, just as much as you need me. Jackson needs you too.”

The mention of Jackson’s name broke me.

“How on earth do I tell a five-year-old I’m not going to be here in five years?”

“Look at me,” he raised my chin. “That’s not your job, that’s mine.”

“How is he going to deal with not only losing his mom to this disease, but me as well?”

“I had a feeling this is what this was all about.”

“So why wouldn’t you think I would be scared to death?”

“Listen, when Mel got ill, I was such a coward. I abandoned her when she needed me the most. I was a kid, Kat. I didn’t get it, hell, I didn’t even know what real, gut wrenching, love was until I met you. Seeing you so upset like this makes my stomach turn at how she must have felt. No one should go through this alone – no one. I won’t make that mistake again.”

“I was in a really horrible place, Dove. I was so mad at the world and God for doing this to someone I had loved so much. I thought I could handle it, but seeing her struggle, I suddenly felt what my mother felt when she left us - life would be better without me in it. I would only make the situation worse especially with my negative outlook on the situation. So I left.

“I didn’t even know that she was pregnant until Jackson was born. Honest to God. When Betty and Ed called me to tell me, they were ready to forfeit my rights as a parent but gave me a chance. A chance to be a better man. So, I took it. I had missed everything, Kat. The doctor’s appointments, the showers, and even the birth. How the hell will I tell him that one day? That I was too proud to help his dying mom enough to make it work?

“As soon as he was placed in my arms, I vowed never to be that man again. I couldn’t. I had a tiny person I was responsible for. I told myself I never wanted to be like my mother so this was my chance to do right by that. I don’t even think Betty and Ed have ever forgiven me for everything and why should they? I don’t deserve their forgiveness at all, but I’ll try, by God I’m going to try.

“I’m not your make good on life though. You can’t fix me to make your subconscious right with the world. That’s not how this works, Lee. Why didn’t you tell me about Mel; I would have understood or at least given you the benefit of the doubt to explain.

“I didn’t want to screw this up like I had screwed up with Mel. When we had Jackson, I was terrified. I was terrified that seeing him would only bring me heartbreak and misery. I was positive he would be better off without a merciless father in his life. Now, I can’t imagine going a day without him. Every time I look into his face, I see his mother and it crushes me. It reminds me of the man I never want to be again. That’s why I dedicate my life to him and the support groups. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, afraid, or scared like she must have been.

“You’re so much better than me…”

“I don’t know much, but I do know a few things. I know I’m no better than you are. I didn’t get a fancy education or have a respectable job, but I know life. And in life, there will be good days, there will be bad days, but then there will be great days. Am I scared, hell yeah I’m scared. Who wouldn’t be?”

“But I’m the one who’s scared the most…”

“Says who? Don’t nullify my feelings, Dove.”

“I’m dying Lee. I will die someday.”

“Look at me,” he gripped my shoulders tight. Looking deep into my eyes, I could see the pools of tears beginning to gather in his beautiful brown eyes. Those same brown eyes that reflected the mirror images of a tiny Jackson. I couldn’t let them both down. It would haunt me till my dying day.

“You are not dead right now. Live dammit. Live for me. Live for Jackson. Live for the people who love you most in this world. I love you dammit and I need you to fight. Don’t you dare give up on me, or push me away. I won’t let you. You can spout your bullshit about dying, but I’m right here with you, right now; a man telling a woman he loves her, so don’t you dare push me away.

“Why would you want someone like me?” I collapsed in tears against his chest.

“I don’t see a disease. I see a beautiful woman before me who, I hope, loves me and my son. A woman who has made me happier than I’ve ever been in my life. A woman who made me whole again, when I thought I wasn’t worthy enough to be loved. Can you honestly say you don’t feel the same?”