Paris Summer (22 page)

Mark’s voice was sharp with frustration and Janine
tried to think of something suitable to say. But what?
How could anyone justify Rena’s behavior or help
Mark sort out his relationship with her? Janine felt
helpless and somehow relieved that she would not be
present when her sister returned and the two thrashed
out their problems. Hopefully she would be relaxing on
a beach somewhere or wandering down streets of an
old city. If present, she wouldn’t be able to keep herself
from hating Rena for hurting Mark. And Rena
wouldn’t be able to forgive her for taking the part of the
outsider. Janine felt an ache in her throat and she was
absurdly glad she would be out of Paris by Tuesday.
She almost wished she could fly straight to New York
from anywhere but Paris. Well, she could always
arrange to just stay overnight or something. And for
one day, surely, she could pretend to be gay with Rena. Rena! If it were anyone else marrying Mark, she didn’t
think she would mind so much. But year after year to
see them together? No, it was impossible. She would
just have to keep very busy, too busy for visits, until,
eventually, she didn’t care any more. And she couldn’t
go on caring forever, could she?

“What are you thinking?” Mark asked unexpectedly.

Janine looked down at the grass to hide her eyes.
“About you and Rena,” she said, unable to stop herself.

“Janine, I…it’s none of your business,” he finished
roughly.

“I know. Except I’m fond of both of you.”

For some reason, Mark smiled gently. “I can
remember when you hated me.”

“I never hated you!” Janine protested indignantly.

Mark laughed. “Well, perhaps hate is too strong a
word,” he conceded. “Let’s say disliked me. The first
few days I knew you, I thought of you as Rena’s
disagreeable, disapproving older sister who might
make trouble if she could.”

Janine laughed. “And I found you very disagreeable.
But I didn’t really disapprove. In fact, you’re the first
man I approved of for Rena since Alex.”

Too late, she remembered he didn’t know about
Alex. Mark pounced on the name. “Alex?”

She shouldn’t tell him, but somehow Janine felt he
would understand and not hold it against Rena. She
sighed. “Alex was a young man Rena knew several
years ago. They liked each other as soon as they met
and for a while it was a kind of lightning romance.
Then, suddenly, Alex disappeared. It was the end of the
year and exams had just finished at Ohio State where
he was a student. Rena and Alex had had a fight, but nothing to speak of, really. And she never heard from
him again. He didn’t return in the fall and he never
wrote. Rena got his home address from the registrar’s
office somehow and she wrote lots of letters. But they
were never answered and after a few months, she gave
up. Since then, she won’t talk about him much.

“Right after it happened I felt very guilty. Almost as
though it were my fault. I was the one who introduced
them, you see. I felt as though I’d made a big mistake.
Then, too, Alex and I were friends. We got along well
and a few times Rena got jealous and accused me of
trying to take him away from her. It wasn’t true, of
course. He only cared about Rena and spent most of
the time talking about her when he was with me. Still, I
felt guilty. And I vowed I’d never take a chance of
ruining Rena’s happiness again. I guess that’s why it
upset me so much when…when Sandy threatened to
tell Rena you and I were-were lovers.

“For a while I thought Rena would never get over
Alex. Then, suddenly one day, she announced she
didn’t care any more. And since that day, she’s never
been without a boy friend. She changed, too, that day.
She became harder and colder and more selfish.”
Janine paused, caught up in memories.

Mark’s voice cut short her reverie. “That explains a
lot of things. Of course, I knew there had been
someone. Occasionally, not too often, she’d have one
drink too many. Then Rena would start talking. Never
very coherently… something about being left alone
and being afraid.” He tossed a pebble and hesitated
before he continued. “Rena used to say that no one
understood; no one knew what she had been through.”

Janine nodded. “In a way, it’s true. Rena was always
a bit secretive about her boy friends. Though at times she’d tell me things about them that I’m sure they
wouldn’t have wanted me to know. But with Alex she
never did that. It was as though he were too important
to her.”

Mark laughed bitterly. “Important? I’ll say he was
important! He’s shaped my relationship with Rena
nearly every step of the way. Hardly a week goes by
where Rena and I don’t quarrel about something. I
always have the feeling she’s comparing me to this
mysterious guy in her past. You know: He always did
this or that; He wouldn’t have said…” Mark mimicked
Rena’s voice harshly. Then his voice softened. “She
never told me his name though. Not even when she’d
had too much to drink. I’d have doubted he really
existed if it weren’t for those times when she was so
upset. When that happened I’d spend a long time
holding her and trying to calm her down. And
sometimes I’d have to sleep over on the couch because
otherwise she’d wake up in the middle of the night,
terrified because she was alone in the apartment. The
first time it happened, it made me take a good look at
Rena and realize she wasn’t spoiled so much as just
very insecure. And I realized that, given half a chance,
she’d be a warm, sweet woman. I wanted to protect her
and soon it seemed we had fallen in love with each
other. I don’t think I could stand to hurt her either,
Janine.”

Janine looked at Mark. They understood each other
perfectly. She spoke cautiously, “What if you had
decided you couldn’t marry her, after all?”

He replied in the same manner. “I’d have broken it to
her as gently as I could. Then I’d have stayed around
long enough to find her someone else to be interested
in. If I could. Then I’d have disappeared from her life, probably. Or at least long enough for her to get over
me.

Janine stared at the ground. “You can’t always avoid
hurting someone.”

“You can try,” was all he said, but the tone was final.

The silence stretched until at last Mark said it was
time to leave. “Is dinner at your place or mine?” Janine
asked, as lightly as she could.

“Neither.”

Janine looked at Mark in surprise, afraid to ask why
and be told it was time to say good-bye for good. They
got off the Metro at Chatelet and walked to St. Michel.
Janine followed Mark silently as he strode through the
crowd without a backward glance. He chose, it seemed,
the noisiest restaurant he could find, one that forbade
intimacy and could not invoke memories of past
Sunday dinners. Mark ordered for both of them,
brusquely asking Janine’s preferences. When she asked
about prices, he said shortly, “I’m paying,” and added
wine to the rest of the order.

They talked, of course. It would have attracted
attention if they had not. But the topics were
unimportant ones and Janine, at any rate, neither
heard nor cared what responses she gave. The food was
good, but Janine found it difficult to eat. She wished
dinner were over and she could be back in the
apartment, crying. And she wished it would go on
forever so she could stay with Mark, even in this hellish
atmosphere. And she wished …no, that was dangerous. She might cry then and there if she let herself think
about what she would really like.

Mark, ostensibly, was calmer. Only the rapidity with
which he spoke and the general incoherence of his
conversation betrayed him. Why couldn’t Rena come back to Paris? Why couldn’t she have returned weeks
ago? But men don’t cry, so he wasn’t afraid to drink the
wine.

It was sometime later. They had had coffee and
lingered a little longer. Now they stood near the
doorway outside the restaurant they had just left.
Janine was fighting to keep herself calm. She was very
much afraid that she knew what Mark would say next.
She did.

“I’m going to say good-bye here, Janine. I think it
would be better if I did not walk you back to Rena’s
apartment,” he said tautly. “I hope you have a very nice
trip and perhaps I’ll see you when you stop back in
Paris.”

Janine glanced at his face quickly. But it was
impassive. There was no indication that the last phrase
had any special meaning. It was just one of those
phrases one used on such occasions, whether one
meant it or not. She nodded, afraid to trust herself to
speak.

“Good-bye,” he said again and then there was a brief
kiss on her forehead. When she looked-up, Mark was
gone.

Janine might have stood there and cried if a couple
had not emerged from the restaurant and stared at her
as they passed. It was enough. Janine started walking
in the general direction of rue Bonaparte. She forced
herself not to run, not to think of how she felt.
Somehow she made her way home and climbed the
stairs. And then the door was shut behind her and
Janine stood in the living room. The walls seemed to be
spinning around her and she abandoned herself to
tears.

It was late morning and her head ached when Janine
finally woke. But that wasn’t surprising, considering
she had not fallen asleep until the early hours of the
morning. Slowly she forced herself out of bed. No
matter how she felt, she still had to pack today.

Doggedly, Janine followed her usual routine that
began with a trip to the boulangerie for croissants and
bread, collecting the mail as she returned. All of the
letters were for Rena and Janine added them to the
large pile already on the telephone table. Ralph stood
beside them, eyeing her severely, and Janine felt too
weary to argue.

Coffee helped, but not enough. Well, she thought
with a sigh, I have two choices. I can pack and then go
out somewhere, or I can go out now and pack this
evening. Instinctively, she knew she would not be able
to bear the empty apartment after dark. So she would
pack now and go somewhere, anywhere, in the evening.

There wasn’t really much to pack, but it took a long
time. Janine kept pausing to think about the places in
Paris she had visited when she wore this dress or that
pair of slacks. Janine had not quite finished when the
doorbell rang. Still holding a half-folded skirt, she
went to answer it. “Mark!”

“May I come in?” he asked gravely.

Janine, her knees weak, tried to match his tone. “Of
course. Sit down. Just let me put this away and I’ll join
you.

“Never mind that,” he said, pushing her to the
daybed, “I’ve got something to show you.”

As she sat down, Mark handed Janine an envelope.
It was open and held a telegram.

HAVE MARRIED ALEX STOP ENGAGEMENT OFF

RENA

Janine looked up at Mark in shock. “But how?
When?”

“I just got it a little while ago,” Mark said tonelessly.
“She must have run into him in Switzerland weeks
ago.

Janine glanced at the message again. “I’m sorry,
Mark. And what a horrible way to tell you.”

“Yes, it is rather thoughtless,” Mark said coolly. “If
you hadn’t told me, I’d never have known who Alex
was.

Janine stared at him. “Don’t you care?”

He answered flippantly. “Of course. My pride is
shattered, can’t you tell?” As she continued to stare,
Mark said awkwardly, “Do you think you could cancel
your reservations? Some of them, I mean? I’ll take you
to England and Scandinavia later, if you want. Maybe
over Christmas vacation.”

Janine laughed mischievously. “Visit Scandinavia in
winter? Are you crazy?”

Mark’s voice was urgent. “Well, next summer, then.
Please, Janine? I can’t let you just leave like this…”

Janine laughed again. “Of course I’ll cancel, you
idiot!” He relaxed and suddenly she said accusingly,
“You would just have let me go, wouldn’t you? If this telegram hadn’t come you’d have let me just walk out of
your life.”

Mark sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
Then he said seriously, “No, I’d have done something.
Maybe when you stopped back in Paris I’d have been
able to tell you I loved you. Or maybe I’d have seen you
in New York. But believe me, Janine, I wouldn’t have
just let you walk out of my life. I love you too much for
that.”

“Do you?”

He flushed as he realized what he had said, then
nodded. “Shall I cancel my whole trip?” she asked.

Mark grinned. “No! Only the first part of it. I’ve
earned a vacation and as soon as I can make the
arrangements, we’ll leave for Greece and Italy.” He sat
down next to Janine and took her hands. “Janine, you
do love me, don’t you?”

It was her turn to flush. “Didn’t I say so?” Mark
shook his head. “Well, I do,” she said quietly.

He kissed her then, and she didn’t seem to mind. In
fact, she hugged him tightly. After several minutes she
said, “Only Greece and Italy?”

“Don’t be impatient,” he teased. “I have a feeling
there will be plenty of time to visit all those other
countries in the next forty or fifty years!”