Passion and Propriety (Hearts of Honour Book 1) (32 page)

Hannah slowly shook her head, bewildered he would suggest such a thing. “But preventing conception is a sin, William.”

“So is knowingly and deliberately causing the death of one’s spouse,” he countered, though his tone was mild. “I wouldn’t be surprised if failure to consummate one’s marriage falls into that category also. Please excuse my language, but I fear we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.”

Hannah flinched and withdrew her hands. Her first thought was his suggestion was morally, spiritually and, for all she knew, physically objectionable. But on second thought, she recalled overhearing whispered conversations intimating such practices existed. If Hannah’s mother had lived, she might have had valuable advice to give her eldest daughter. Her pregnancies had occurred at least two years apart with no more after Rachel’s birth even though she was still of childbearing age. But that was for the wise
spacing
of a family, not to prevent one altogether.

“What do you have in mind?” Her voice trembled.

“Nothing with which you would need to concern yourself, other than a willingness to support my intention.”

“
You
would take responsibility? How is that possible?”

It was William’s turn to blush. “You understand the process
of procreation?” He rubbed the back of his neck while waiting for her nod. “If the man, er,
husband,
is careful, he can choose not to spill his seed inside his wife.”

Hannah stared at her lap while she considered his meaning. Her next and far more serious concern was how William had come to such knowledge. After a long moment, she looked up. His face was contorted in a wince, as if he was prepared to receive a blow, and she couldn’t help but think the worst.

“I take it you have experience with this method?” she asked in a small voice.

“Heavens, no!” He grasped her hands once more. “I have
no
experience, Hannah. I’ve never even kissed another woman.”

“Oh,” she murmured, the tears she’d managed to hold at bay since their argument the night before pooling in her eyes. “I won’t deny I’m glad.”

“Ah, Hannah.” William gently rubbed her knuckles. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You’ve done nothing to apologise for.” She echoed his earlier words, dabbing a knuckle at her eyes. “Well, other than giving me quite a shock. You’re serious
about this undertaking?”

“It’s a way for us to find some relief from our predicament.”

“There would be no chance of a child?”

“Not if I’m careful.”

Hannah was no worse off than she’d been before William’s extraordinary proposal, but she couldn’t help feeling sad. His finding a way for them to be intimate without the risk of her conceiving signalled the death of her faintly held hope of becoming a mother.

“No one must ever know,” she said. “This would be far more damaging to my reputation than if it was discovered our marriage had not been consummated. That
might
be excused in light of the curse, but my agreeing to engage in physical relations purely to assuage our . . . our . . .” She couldn’t bring herself to say the word
lust
.

“I understand.”

In terms of ignoring the advice she’d been given by the ladies of Hartley, this particular course of action was truly scandalous. Far from pretending disdain, she had openly admitted to desiring her husband and was contemplating acting upon her feelings . . .
not
for the purpose of procreation.

“Are you sure you won’t end up thinking badly of me?”

“Never.” William knelt before her, encircling her with his arms. “You’re my wife, and I’m a blessed man indeed that you
want
to be intimate with me.”

“Then I agree,” she whispered, hiding her face against his shoulder.

William released a deep sigh. “You won’t regret it. I promise.”

Chapter 26

Extraordinary

Half an hour later, Hannah had cause to question his assertion as her nerves got the better of her. It was difficult to believe she’d been bold enough to wear a revealing gown on her wedding night . . . testament to how determined she’d been to convince her husband to lie with her. Six nights later, it was about to occur, but the agreement they had reached wasn’t exactly what she’d had in mind.

Hannah’s hand rose to rest on her belly as she mourned the child that would never grow within her womb. She could only hope satisfying her desire for her husband would be worth the compromise.

“Would you like me to stay with you until His Lordship arrives?” Her hovering maid’s tone was solicitous, and Hannah suspected Marianne had discerned at least part of the reason for her mistress’ apprehension . . . that the marriage was yet to be consummated.

“There’s no need for you to wait up.”

It was still early, but with the decision made, there had seemed little point passing the rest of the evening in nervous anticipation.

“Very well, then.” Marianne curtsied, then added before she departed, “You look lovely with your hair down, and that gown is very becoming.”

Hannah hoped William would be of a similar opinion. He seemed to like her hair, saying the colour reminded him of a jar of honey held up to the sunlight, an analogy that made her smile. She was wearing a different, more
modest,
gown than the one she’d worn on her wedding night, but one she thought quite lovely. The neckline was low, revealing a hint of décolletage, but otherwise, the white gown was sweet in design. With puffed sleeves, an embroidered bodice, and little satin-covered buttons that opened down the front, the soft fabric moulded to her figure . . . but not too closely.

She wasn’t sure if William would release just enough buttons to allow him access to those parts of her anatomy that would need to be exposed or insist she remove the gown altogether. The thought made her shiver. She wasn’t sure she was ready to appear naked before her husband, which seemed hypocritical considering she’d already seen and touched his naked body while nursing him back to health.

It wasn’t the same, she told herself, feeling a little ill at the thought of disrobing. Maybe her mentors had the right of it. Ladies weren’t cut out for this sort of thing.

Panicked, Hannah considered unearthing the nightgown Lady Cromley had given her with specific instructions she was to wear it on her wedding night. Made from a very large quantity of a drape-like fabric—Hannah had mused the gown could be used to construct a modest-sized marquee—it buttoned all the way up to her chin and tightly at her wrists.

“There are ribbons as well as the buttons,” Lady Cromley had pointed out. “Make sure they’re all tied in bows and then double knotted. You may have to get your maid to cut them off when you want to remove it, but it will be worth the effort. If you’re not inclined to burn the gown the next day—I did mine—you can have her replace the ribbons for you. But it’s better that than your husband too easily obtaining access to locations on your person that he has no right to be bothering.”

“What about those places he does have a right to
bother
?” Hannah had asked out of curiosity.

“Where there’s a will there’s a way,” the matron had muttered. “You must inform your husband he may lift your skirt just high enough and no further. The design is voluminous enough so you can quite easily keep your legs fully covered with fabric and ensure there is almost no direct skin contact . . . other than that which is distressingly necessary.”

“Distressingly necessary,” Hannah murmured, echoing Lady Cromley’s words while she waited for her husband to arrive. It wasn’t
necessary
for them to be intimate at all, but she couldn’t deny feeling distressed—and that was
before
the event.

Whether William’s feelings in any way matched the depth of her love for him was doubtful, but he’d shown he cared for her in numerous other ways. The knowledge bolstered her confidence . . . a little.

Considering the turn their relationship was taking, she wondered if she should declare her feelings. The thought was terrifying. Appearing naked before him would leave her far less vulnerable than professing her love and it not being reciprocated. It would be better if she waited for him to tell her he loved her first, if he was so inclined. In the meantime, she would continue to show him by her deeds what lay hidden within her heart. At least if he never spoke the words, she wouldn’t have made herself quite as much a fool.

A knock sounded at the door, and Hannah startled.

“Come in.” She croaked the words, but the door immediately opened. William was dressed in a loose robe over his nightshirt. Recalling the sight of him in an even greater state of undress, her fingers itched to open the buttons of his shirt so she could glimpse his bare chest beneath.

The urge surprised her, and Hannah’s confidence increased a notch.

Their passion for one another was mutual and nothing for which she needed to be ashamed . . . though that didn’t mean she was completely without fear. But the realisation they were meeting as equals was comforting.

It helped that William looked every bit as nervous as she did.

He took a deep breath before removing his robe and laying it across the padded chair she’d had returned to the room. To her relief, he made no comment on its reappearance, though she was puzzled when she saw him place a small towel on the end of the bed. Before she could question him about it, he came to stand before her, the intensity of his gaze robbing her of breath.

“Your hair looks like silk.” He caressed the loose curls with his fingers. “It’s very beautiful . . . as are you.”

For the second time that evening, Hannah almost swooned. If he kept saying things like that, her fears would soon evaporate.

“I thought you might prefer if I left it down.”

“I do,” he murmured against her ear before burrowing his face in the curve of her neck and breathing deeply. “I love your scent. Have I told you that?” Lifting his head, he raised a brow at her stunned expression.

He
loved
something about her!

Summoning her courage, Hannah lifted her hands to rest against his stomach before sliding them upwards, mapping the planes of his chest.

“I love your broad chest and shoulders,” she admitted.

“Really?” He cocked his head to the left. “Even the scarred one?”

“
Especially
the scarred one.” She leaned in to place a gentle kiss to his upper arm then looked up at him through her lashes. “I wish you hadn’t been injured in the first place, but it’s what brought you home.”
To me,
she added in her thoughts.

“Home,” William echoed, cupping her shoulders with his hands. “I always hated Blackthorn Manor and never thought of it as home, but you’ve changed that for me, Hannah. I didn’t like leaving you this morning and couldn’t wait to return.”

“I missed you, too, but I do agree your day away was profitable
.
” She smiled. “Although, I hesitate to think what sort of conversation you and Mr Loring engaged in to bring us to our current place of enlightenment.”

“Yes, well . . .” William harrumphed. “It might be best if you put that out of your mind, as I fully
intend to.”

Hannah’s smile faded at the thought of what they’d given themselves permission to do. With a groan, William lowered his head and joined his mouth to hers in a kiss that began as a tender meeting of mouths and soon evolved into a searing conflagration. She opened her lips to him immediately, his taste eliciting a moan she didn’t attempt to contain. They’d not missed even a night, but after their temporary estrangement, it felt like forever since he’d kissed her passionately. As he wrapped his arms around her, one hand between her shoulder blades and the other dropping low on her back, he brought their bodies into complete alignment. With no space left between them, Hannah felt the shocking hardness of his erection pressed against her lower stomach.

She froze, her breath hitching in her throat.

While she understood a man’s member became distended when he was aroused, the difference was more than she’d expected. She’d felt him before when she had straddled his lap the night of their wedding, and when they’d lain on the couch, but now that they were actually going through with this, he seemed bigger than she recalled.

“Sweetheart?” William broke the kiss to look into her eyes. “Don’t be afraid. I promise I won’t hurt you.”

“I know, at least, I know you won’t
mean
to. You might not have much choice in the matter.” Hannah was nothing if not pragmatic and imagined a certain degree of realism might be wise. “Can we take things slowly?”

“As slowly as you want, or need. We’ve got all the time in the world.”

“Not
all
the time,” she said wryly. “If we’re going to do this, I’d rather we got it over with tonight. I fear waiting will only increase my apprehension.”

William chuckled. The movement of their bodies rubbing together brought an altogether different hitch to Hannah’s breath, and he wasted no time taking advantage.

The kisses that followed were different from the ones they’d already shared. No longer torn by the knowledge William was going to call a halt, Hannah gave herself up to the sweet sensations. She loved how close they were, their mouths moving in harmony, changing direction as they kissed from first one angle and then the other. She loved the feel of their lips brushing together, touching, lingering, and tasting one another. Forcing her lids open, her passion-drugged senses revelled in the way his heat enveloped her. Their noses brushed, their cheeks nuzzled, and Hannah thought it very special indeed. When William’s eyelids opened, she treasured what she saw in his dark, glittering gaze.