Past Imperfect (36 page)

“Yeah. With the money my parents left me, I’ll be okay not working for several months, so I can focus on treatment. She found a facility that has an immediate opening in North Carolina.” My eyes dart up to see her reaction.

“Wow, you’re going to be moving?” Sadness evident in her voice.

“Right now, being in town and…” My words come to a halt as tears take over and pour from my eyes.

Sylvie scoots closer to me, brushing my hair back over my shoulder. “Sweetie, what is it?”

“Being here and being around Brad right now is still a pretty strong trigger for me.” The pain that shoots through me having to admit that Brad is a strong trigger is almost unbearable. I take several deep breaths, trying to get my sobs under control.

Sylvie’s hand cups the side of my face, making me look into her sincere and compassionate expression. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to make it through this.”

“I love him so much, Sylvie. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but…”

“Does he know?” she asks.

I nod. “Jennifer explained everything to him.”

“And?”

“He agrees it’s the best thing for me. He’s not happy, though. I can’t imagine not being with him, but I won’t ask him to wait. I can’t do that to him.” I choke out.

“Mabry, that man adores you. I saw it the minute he walked up to the table during book club. I doubt you’ll have to ask him to wait. I think it’s a given that he will.”

A slight chuckle escapes through my sobs as I wipe away more tears. “I hope so.”

Waving her arms around the room indicating the hundreds of flowers, she says sarcastically, “How could there be any doubt?”

The next hour, Sylvie did what she always did, made me feel better. We talk about all the positive outcomes to me going to the treatment facility. She’s already planning our first girl’s weekend. Logically, I know these are the steps I need to take right now in order to move forward. I’m scared of reliving my past, losing my safety net of self-harm, and Brad disappearing from my life. But I know if I don’t take this drastic step, nothing will change for me. I’ve tried so hard to escape from a life I was terrified of inheriting that I’m running straight toward it unless I change my trajectory.

We drive to the airport in complete silence, the result of a combination of not knowing what to say and having said everything we needed to. The second I pulled the car out of the driveway, our hands clasped together between us and have been that way since. I measure how close we’re getting to the airport by the growing intense ache in my chest. Glancing at Mabry, I give her a weak smile and squeeze her hand slightly. Her eyes are already misting and I have to quickly look away before I beg her not to go.

She has to go.

There’s no question or doubt in my mind that this is what’s best for her. Being here with me holds too many triggers for her right now. She needs to completely focus on dealing with the issues of her past and learn how to cope with her feelings, without physically hurting herself. I’ve chanted these words daily like a mantra since we met with Mabry’s counselor, Jennifer, and she explained why Mabry needed to seriously consider this option. My brain is totally convinced, but my heart is completely shattered.

As we pull into the parking lot, I’m hoping there are no spaces and we end up circling for a long time. I spot an empty one down the first row.

Fuck me.

Hesitantly, I let go of Mabry’s hand while I pull into the space and turn off the car. We sit in more silence. My insides are a jumbled mess and the outside of my body is paralyzed. I take in several long deep breaths before I feel brave enough to look at her. She stares straight ahead.

I reach over and place my hand on her thigh. “Hey,” I whisper.

That’s all it takes before the tears start flowing down her face. Turning to me, she tries, but loses the battle to keep her composure. A faint tremble takes over her entire body. I fight the urge to pull her into my lap and wrap my arms around her. If I do, I know I won’t let her go and I
have
to let her go. I blow out a deep breath. Giving her thigh a quick squeeze to draw her attention up to me, I gaze directly into azure blues, trying to convey to her that everything is going to be okay.

“Let’s do this,” I tell her.

Her chin trembles uncontrollably and tears continue to flow for several seconds before she takes in a few deep breaths of her own, trying to calm down. I get out of the car and walk to Mabry’s side. Once the door is open, our hands immediately reconnect. Mabry hesitates before getting out of the car. I can feel the nervousness radiate off of her body as her gaze darts around.

Leaning down, so that we’re only an inch apart, I reassure her, “You look beautiful. No one can tell you have stiches.” She’s pinned her hair up in such a way to conceal the large spot the doctors had to shave when they stitched up her injury.

“Okay. Thanks,” she whispers.

We grab her luggage from the trunk and head slowly into the airport. As we approach the ticket agent, I look up to see if the flight schedule is on time. Unfortunately, it is. As Mabry finishes getting checked in, I produce a ticket from my pocket and hand it to the agent. Mabry’s eyes shoot up to mine when she notices what’s happening.

“You’re going with me?” For a moment her sadness fades away and is replaced with a sparkle of hope.

“No, Sweetness. I bought a ticket, so I could go through security with you. I want to spend every second I can with you until I can’t anymore.”

Tears fill her eyes in a split second and the sadness returns.

We make our way through security as quickly as possible. There’s a little time left before her flight. We sit quietly, our fingers still laced together. Mabry and I have expressed all our dreams, our fears, concerns, desires, and how we feel about each other over the past few days. But there’s one thing I haven’t been able to say to her and I have to tell her before she leaves.

I’ve been concentrating so hard on the feel of her hand in mine, the smell of vanilla, and how beautiful she is, that time slips away, and before I know it her flight is being called. I’ve run out of time.

We stand to face each other and I can’t pretend anymore. I shut my eyes as tight as possible, trying to keep the tears from falling, but there’s no use. I can’t hold it together any longer. Mabry’s tears match mine. We still don’t say a word to each other. We just hold hands and stare through blurry eyes.

I attempt to speak several times, but my emotions stop me before I can get the first word out. Roughly clearing my throat, I finally start. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” I pause, swallowing my sobs. “God I’m so in love with you.”

Raising her hand, she traces the stubble along my jaw with her fingertips. “I love you too. I’ll come back as soon as I can.”

I close my eyes again, trying to summon the courage to say what I need to say and not chicken out. “Mabry, I desperately want you in my life, but I want you happy in your life more.”

“What are you trying to tell me?” she says between sobs.

I stare at her for several seconds. “I don’t want you to come back here and be with me if it’s too hard for you. I want you happy, healthy, and safe more than anything else, even if that means I have to let you go forever.”

“I
will
come back to you. I promise.”

A voice blasts from the speakers announcing her flight.

Mabry launches herself into my arms. I wrap them tightly around her, burying my face in her neck. Our bodies shake with sobs.

With her lips to my ears, she whispers, “Thank you for saving my life.”

“Thank you for saving mine, Sweetness.”

I place kisses frantically up her neck, over her cheek, to her forehead, and back down the other side until I reach her lips. My hands move, framing her face as hers grab hold of my upper arms for balance. When our lips touch all the franticness of the previous moment evaporates and everything slows. Our tongues take turns slipping into each other’s mouths, exploring the space we both know so well. I commit every detail of the moment to memory. The placement of her hands on my arms and how firm the grip is. How many times she allows a whimper to escape from the back of her throat. The sweet scent of vanilla. The smoothness of her skin as my thumbs run over it. How soft her lips are.

The voice blasts through the speakers again for final boarding. We linger for a split second longer and then hear the voice of an actual person, “Miss, you need to board now or you’ll miss the flight.”

Reluctantly we pull away from each other. Mabry’s face is drenched in tears and blotchy, her eyes are red and swollen, and she’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

Taking one step back, she says, “I’m coming back to you.”

“I’ll be right here with open arms.” I do my best to give her a smile.

She grabs her purse and slowly steps backward. Our eyes remain locked on each other. She walks this way until she’s forced to turn the corner and disappear. I stay in that spot for I don’t know how long. Part of me was hoping she’d walk around that corner and back into my arms. It wasn’t until I noticed the plane taxiing past the window that it sunk in, she wasn’t coming back. I walk to the window and watch the plane glide down the runway. Resting
m
y forehead against the window, I whisper, “Have a fantastic life, Sweetness.”