Peppermint Kiss (16 page)

“Why are you defending him, after the way he's treated Mum?” Grace snapped.

“I'm not, I just—” I began, but Saff cut in.

“How can you be so calm about all this, Abs? It's like you're not even bothered by what he's done!”

I totally lost it then. All those times when they said I was the strong one? Well they were wrong.

“How dare you!” I shouted. “Course I'm bothered! It's there in my head
all the time
. I'd love to get really angry, like you, Saff, or have a good cry like Mum does, or be all superior like Grace – in fact I'd love to do
all
of that! But someone has to keep this family on track!”

They were just staring at me in stunned silence then.

“Abbie, love, I—” Mum began, but I wasn't finished. Not by a long way.

“It's
Dad
you're being so horrible to, you know!” I screamed. “The same Dad who bought that karaoke machine for you, Saff, when you were eight, and then sat through you giving whole concerts on it for the next four years, even though you can't sing for toffee!”

“How dare you, of course I can sing!” Saff shrieked, but I ignored her and turned on Grace. “And it's the same Dad who hung that lantern on the wall outside your window,” I shouted, “so you could see there were no monsters lurking in the garden at night. The same Dad who wrote that little letter for you to find in the bush, from the monsters, saying they'd gone to live somewhere else.”

I fixed her, then Saff, with a piercing glare. “
Of course
he should have our number, and
of course
you two should talk to him. He was so upset when you wouldn't, and when he realized he wouldn't be welcome on Saturday—” My voice choked up in my throat then, and tears started sliding down my cheeks. “I mean, I don't think he should come either, it's too complicated, things are too…raw. But I'm just saying – he's
Dad
. He's our dad.” Then the tears took over completely and I
had
to stop.

Saff looked really upset. “I wasn't being horrible to him. Well, I didn't
mean
to be.”

“
I
did,” said Grace coldly.

Mum put her arm round me. “Abbie, sweetheart, no one's being deliberately unkind,” she said, glaring at Grace. “It's just, what happened was all such a shock and—”

“I know it was!” I sobbed. “I'm the one who's been there for you all, picking up the pieces, drying the tears, sorting out the problems.” I looked at Saff and added, “Handing out the jelly babies. Basically, insisting that everything was going to be alright, even when I didn't believe it myself. Why do I always have to be the strong one? When do I get to have
my
meltdown?”

Mum looked horrified. “But Abbie, you know you can always talk—”

“No!” I shouted. “I don't want to talk about it! What's the point? What's happened has happened. I just wish you lot would realize that I'm no stronger than you are! I'm as hurt and scared and angry as the rest of you.”

“Oh, Abs—” Saff cried. She tried to hug me, but I wriggled away. “I've got to go,” I stuttered. “I've got a date, remember?” I was really crying by then, sobbing and choking on my words. I grabbed my strappy bag, marched to the door and stormed out.

Twenty minutes later, I couldn't believe I was actually there, in the cafe loos. What I'd felt like doing was running up to the flat, locking myself in my room (if I had one, ha ha, or any private space of my own, come to that), crying my eyes out for a very long time, then sleeping for even longer. But I was determined to carry on as usual. So there I was, trying to fix my make-up and get a smile to stay on my face. But it wasn't working and I had to keep pressing my lips together to keep from crying.

I still felt all trembly and sick and churned up inside when I walked out of the loos. Marco had arrived, and when he looked up and smiled at me my stomach did its familiar flip and I vowed not to let anything spoil this.

We hugged hello (cue even more stomach flipping) and Marco went up to the counter to get some drinks. I really tried to pull myself together then, but I couldn't – I just felt so miserable. He came back with strawberry milkshakes and handed me a menu. I held it up to my face and acted like I was really interested in reading about all the different kinds of burger, because I felt like if I started talking yet I'd just cry.

“Earth to Abbie – do you know what you want yet?” he said, grinning at me over the top of my menu. “For the third time of asking.”

I realized I'd been staring blankly at the menu for ages, going over in my head what had happened back at Rainbow Beauty.

“Oh, sorry, erm, I don't know.” I felt so sick and churny there was no way I'd be able to eat anything. “I mean, I'm not really hungry,” I added lamely.

“Oh right,” he said, giving me an intense look. I stared at the table, not wanting him to notice I'd been crying. Then he said, “If you don't fancy the food here we can go somewhere else.”

“It's not that,” I muttered. “I'm just not hungry. You go ahead though.”

He shrugged. “Nah, you're alright. I'd feel funny eating on my own. I'll get something later.”

“Oh, okay. How was band practice?” I managed to ask.

Luckily he got on to talking about that and didn't stop for ages and ages, and I could just nod occasionally. By then I'd realized that coming out was a total mistake, of course. I'd wanted him to see me as vibrant and witty and cool, but instead I felt small and washed-out and fragile, like I might shatter into a million pieces at any moment. The clatter and chatter around us was too loud for me, the lights were too bright, and suddenly…

I just had to get out of there.

I lurched to my feet, accidentally jogging the table and toppling my milkshake over. The glass hit the floor and smashed, and my drink splattered everywhere. And now noise wasn't a problem, because everyone was silent, staring at me.

Marco looked startled. And confused. “Oh, Abs, it's okay,” he said softly, seeing the shock on my face. Then, “Hey, where are you going?” he cried, as I turned and ran out onto the high street.

I wasn't sure where I
was
going at first, as I stumbled down the hill, but I did know I couldn't face the flat. Not yet anyway. I'd just decided to walk to Summer's when I saw a familiar face in a crowd of lads coming up the other side of the road.

Ben.

“Abbie!” he called, as they neared me, and then he instantly saw that I wasn't okay. He told his mates he'd catch them later and dashed across the road. Even though we were in the middle of the street, I couldn't help bursting into tears as I blurted out what had happened back at Rainbow Beauty.

He didn't say anything, apart from the occasional swear word. Instead, he just listened (and shuffled me over to sit on a shop window sill so a buggy could get past). And that's where I was, sitting on the ledge, drying my eyes on my sleeve, with Ben's arm round me, when Marco saw us.

He came marching up, looking furious. “Abbie! What's going on? Why did you just walk out like that? I felt like a total idiot!”

I couldn't believe it. He hadn't even noticed that I'd just been crying my eyes out!

“Well, now you know how it feels,” I snapped.

“Oh, is that what all this was about, to get even after the gig?” he demanded. “Although why you were acting moody with
me
when it was you who went off with
him
for half an hour… Anyway, congratulations, you've made your point.”

He was wrong, of course, but I couldn't be bothered to correct him.

“And now you two have met up to have a laugh about it!” he snarled.

“Mate—” Ben began.

“Mates don't steal girls off each other,” Marco snapped.

“Excuse me, I'm not some kind of
object
!” I cried. “And anyway—”

“It's no big deal if you like Ben,” Marco said coldly. “It's cool. Whatever. I just wish you'd been up front with me.”

He was wrong again, but I didn't care – if he really thought I was horrible enough to lie about wanting to be friends, and then deliberately set him up to look stupid, and to go behind his back with his best mate… Well, if that was his opinion of me, he could get stuffed.

“Hang on, you don't—” Ben was saying, but Marco had already stormed off.

“He didn't even notice I was upset!” I fumed. “That might have given him
some
clue about why you had your arm round me. He thinks he can flirt with half the school but if I'm sat here with you, when we're so obviously just mates, he has a go at me! Idiot!”

I stood up, feeling the need to get moving again. But by then I'd realized that Summer's happy home was the last place I wanted to be.

“I'll walk with you,” Ben offered.

I shook my head. “Thanks, but I'm not going back yet. I need some space.”

“Okay,” said Ben. “Look, it'll be alright, yeah?”

I managed a small smile. “See you later,” I said.

“See you. Take care, okay?”

I headed towards Vire Island, totally ignoring the wolf whistles from the skateboarders I passed on The Plains. As soon as I crossed the little bridge onto the island, I felt calmer. I bought a coffee and some chocolate from the stand and sat on one of the benches right by the river. I didn't have any space of my own in the flat, so perhaps I could make this spot mine instead.

I sat there for ages, sipping my drink and thinking about Dad, and Marco, and Mum and my sisters. Then I watched the boats go by and tried not to think about anything at all. It did work, a bit, because after half an hour I felt slightly better. After another half an hour my bum started going numb and I got really hungry. So, even though the flat was the last place I wanted to be, I began wandering back.

I had a total shock when I got in – in a good way. Saff met me at the front door and put her hands over my eyes. I smelled paint, but I didn't guess what they were up to – I just thought it must be coming up from the shop.

“Saff, what are you doing?” I cried, as she walked behind me up the hall, pushing me along. She stopped and I felt Mum and Grace on either side of me.

“I know it's not easy, sharing a bedroom with your mother,” Mum said, “especially as you've always liked your own space. I'm sorry there's no chance of a proper room of your own, but we hope this will help.”

“Da daaa!” sang Grace, as Saff took her hands from my eyes.

I gasped, then giggled out in shock. Wow. I couldn't believe it. They'd turned the Hoover cupboard into a chill-out den for me. Mum had given the high window her cleaning treatment, so it seemed much lighter than before. The walls hummed with the warm glow of fairy lights against the burnt orange paint we hadn't been able to use downstairs. Two embroidered floor cushions lay on the leftover click-down laminate flooring. The CD player from one of the treatment rooms sat in the corner, with a stack of discs next to it.

“Do you like it?” squealed Saff, dancing about.

“I love it,” I gasped. I reached out to touch the wall but, “Careful, it's still wet,” Grace warned.

I drew my hand back and grinned at them all. “This is amazing. Thank you so much.” Mum was right, I'd always used my room to dream and scheme, read, design beauty products, draw and write. I'd been really missing it, but I hadn't wanted to make a fuss – after all, no one else had their own space here. “Where did you get those?” I asked then, gesturing at the floor cushions.

“Liam's place,” said Mum. “When I popped over to ask him if he'd come and put the flooring down, he said you could have them, because he was chucking them out anyway.”

I felt a warm glow inside for him. I bet he hadn't really been throwing them away.

“We just want you to know we appreciate you so much,” said Mum. She squeezed my shoulders and I leaned into her.

“I know,” I said. “I'm sorry about losing it like that before.”

“Don't be sorry,” she said then. “You were right – we've all been so wrapped up in our own problems, and you always put such a positive spin on things…well, we didn't see that you were struggling too.”

“We want to support you like you've supported us,” said Grace.

“But you have to
let
us, Abs,” Saff added.

I grinned at them. “Okay, point taken. But Saff, I didn't mean it about your singing.” That wasn't exactly true – she was always breaking into song around the place, and to be honest she wasn't exactly Leona Lewis. But I never would have told her that if I hadn't been so upset. I had a feeling that Mum and Grace thought the same, but they hadn't said anything either. We all knew how important it was to Saff, and besides, who were we to say that she couldn't improve? So we were all really surprised when she just shrugged and said, “It's okay. I suppose I've always known deep down I'm not that good. But there are other things…acting, presenting… I'll get famous somehow.”

None of us knew what to say then. “Oh, honey—” Mum finally began.

“It's fine. I'm fine, honestly,” Saff insisted. “So anyway, how was the date?” she asked me then.

“Oh, it didn't really happen in the end,” I mumbled. “I just felt too…you know. Maybe another time.”

“I'm sorry, hon,” said Mum. “We ruined it for you, didn't we?”

“Dad did, you mean,” Grace snapped.

I shrugged. “It was just bad timing, that's all.” I didn't go into detail about what had happened. I couldn't go through all that drama with them again, not after the way they'd reacted when the gig thing went so badly. I'd learned my lesson about Marco now (finally), that was the main thing.

“Earlier, in the shop, you were wrong about one thing, though,” Mum was saying. “It
is
worth talking things over, even if we can't change them. It
will
help you. Actually it'll help all of us. And because I know you find it hard to do, I've had an idea to help.”