Perfect Imperfections (5 page)

CHAPTER 8

It does not matter how much time you have to prepare for the death of a loved one, for it is never enough. Death will envelope you in its cloak of emptiness. The Noyes household had had their share of predicaments but they had always stuck together and worked through them all. But today, they grieved in their separate corners of the house.

Kim had never seen her mother so shattered. Despite her mental state, she saw how her mother was being taken care of Anne, who had become almost a sister to her in this time. Anne genuinely seemed to feel some of the grief, and she made sure the girls were cared for. Outside, Keith and Dave took care of everything else.

When Kim finally managed to get a grip on herself and decided she needed to leave.

“I’ve booked my tickets for this Saturday. I have my reporting on Sunday evening,” Kim announced at the dinner table after the relatives had left and Judith, Kim, and Sam were left to deal with their grief without someone constantly hovering over them. Their caring was probably genuine, but it was also a reminder of how things would be difficult now. A few of the family members didn’t miss any opportunity to rub it into Kim’s face that these were the disadvantages of marrying young and to an older man. Even though her mother was pale as a sheet with eyes like glass, that didn’t dither the women of the family and even some men from passing judgments, especially Ela, Judith’s maternal cousin, who had a knack of being unpleasant every time she spoke.

“Why do you still want to stay here and not go back to Canada?” Ela asked once.

These were the kinds of comments that Judith wanted to stay away from, and that was the reason why she had worked hard to build a life away from people who had done nothing but criticized her choices. Judith had had enough of these things.

So when Kim announced she was leaving, Judith didn’t say anything. Kim expected her to say something about quitting her job and staying with the family, but evidently her mother was too grief-stricken or had no energy to pursue that argument. That was a conversation that would have required Judith every last ounce of her energy. And anyway, probably her mother had finally understood that the argument would be futile. She had made up her mind after all; there was nothing that could shake her from her decision.

***

The months that followed Richard’s death were tough on everyone, but now they seemed to have found a new routine, a routine that did not involve hospital rounds, medical assistants visiting home, the constant worry of paying medical bills, and the fear — the constant fear — of Richard’s death. Everyone had gone back to their lives. Sam was back at school, Judith immersed herself in her work and, even though she was not required to work two jobs any more, she still did as that didn’t give her any time to think of going back home at the end of the day to an empty house and no Richard. And Kim was back to flying.

For Kim, the time was as difficult as it is for any young girl who is close to their father. A part of her felt guilty that everything was going back to normal.
Is it so easy to get over Dad?
She felt very upset every time she did something normal, and that guilt turned into frustration, and usually it was Dave who had to deal with it. And he did. He was ever so patient with her erratic behavior and mood-swings. He understood them and her. He knew just how she felt, the feeling of not wanting to stop grieving as yet, of not accepting that their heart was done grieving. He knew all about those thoughts and feelings having lost his own parents very early in life, something he never liked to talk about. So he gave Kim time, time to accept that it was okay to be normal and she did, to an extent she did.

Even though going back home reminded her of Richard and the feeling of betraying her father by not being sad any more haunted her, Kim still made it a point to visit Judith as often as she could.

On one such visit, Judith announced over dinner, “I want to be with both my girls now.” Though the words were spoken calmly, Kim could sense the chaos hidden underneath. “Kim, I won't pressure you,” she continued, “but I want you to know that I could really do with having both you and Sam home now. There is no reason why we should be scattered when we should be with each other. Think about it.”

Kim looked at her mom and realized for the first time that she had lost a lot of weight, almost to the point of being frail. She knew she needed to be back home. Even though she was enjoying her job as a cabin crew with its many perks, she had gotten as much as she could out of it, and now wanted to come back home.

“Hi!” said Kim when Dave answered her call.

“All good? You sound low.” Dave turned in his chair in office where he was working late. He had been too Kim’s place earlier and knew well enough that he would be getting a call tonight.

“I don’t know. I mean everything is fine. But it’s not the same.” A silence fell between them as Kim gathered her thoughts on what and how much she was going to share with Dave.

“I feel like a horrible person.” Kim got up from her bed and started pacing her room.

“Kim.” Dave encouraged her to continue knowing very well that if it was not today, Kim would continue to keep whatever she is feeling bottled up within her.

“I never wanted to hurt Ma or Dad. But I did, I did every time things didn’t go as I had planned.” A sad little chuckle escaped her throat, “which was so often. But I also failed to see what was good. I was never thankful. And now Dad is gone, and Ma… did you see her today? She looks so frail. Did I do this to her?”

“No Kim, this is not on you. And don’t beat yourself over things.” Dave sat up in his chair and continued, “The situation you were in, Kim, it wasn’t an easy thing to do. And you did what was right. You helped with what you could. You were still a teenager Kim and you were dealing with things way beyond your emotional capabilities.

“Then why do I feel so horrible?” Kim asked. The question was more for herself than for Dave but he still answered, “because in situations like this no matter how much you do, it is never enough. But what you have to remember is that Richard loved you and Judith loves you.” Her paused for a minute giving Kim to take in what he had just said before continuing, “Kim, you did fine. Look forward to what you can do now.”

“I am moving back.”

“Yes, you are moving back.” He echoed softly almost in relief that Kim had decided to come back home.

Kim disconnected the phone and crawled into bed, but her mind was racing.

It wasn’t her job or the fact that she was going to move back home. It was Dave! Over the past year or so that she had been with him, she had never really given him or their relationship much thought, not until Judith and Richard had explicitly told her about their disapproval of their relationship. Dave had come into her life at the time when she had to take on the responsibilities for which she was not prepared, and she felt lost and weighed down. It was as if she had been in autopilot mode when she had first met Dave. He had just fitted into her life so easily that she hadn’t even realized when he had become such an important part of her. She had never thought much about what he had meant to her, but he was important. He had supported her in every decision she took. She couldn’t help but smile in fondness to the thoughts of him, and then the unexpected hit her.

Suddenly, she began to see the similarities between him and her father. Both of these men had always been there for her. It was something that should have made her smile, but instead it seeped in as a fear. How had she not seen this before? Her relationship with Dave was uncannily similar to that of her parents.
Oh Ma! Why couldn’t I see it?
— she whispered in the dark, clutching her heart as though it would beat its way out.

Now she began to see the reason behind Judith’s concern for her, and Richard’s reluctance to accept Dave. They didn’t have a problem with Dave. He was not a bad person and they knew that. They knew and could see what Kim in her shortsightedness and defiance couldn’t. Even though Kim had felt reluctance deep down within her somewhere, she just didn’t want to see that she was in a relationship with a man much older to her.

Then the fear crept in. A day would come — yes, it would — when he would leave her just like Richard had left her mother.

For a moment, Kim thought she was jumping the guns yet again and making assumptions that were unfair to Dave. But the seeds of this thought had already been present somewhere deep in her conscience. Only now, they been watered by the sudden realization.

She wondered about the hardships her mother had faced. The hurt that Kim had often seen in Judith’s eyes and the guilt in her father’s began to make sense to her.

She recalled hearing her parents argue one night. She had been only fourteen and they had just moved to Dubai. “Richard, you need to realize that you have a family, two girls who depend on you,” Judith had said and that was followed by a deafening pause.

“We cannot keep moving every few years,” she had continued. “You need to swallow your pride or ego or whatever it is that you have with your bosses and stick it out with a job. We cannot live like this anymore. Fifteen years is a long time for me to allow you to do things your way. Don’t you see we need to give these girls some stability?"

Until then, Kim had never heard her mom speak in a loud voice. It had sounded like a stranger's voice to her. Then she had heard Richard’s protest, “Judith, you know I cannot work for such people — such unintelligent narrow-minded people who want mechanical work and have no room for imagination and cannot appreciate new ideas and innovations, even though that is exactly why they hire me. Do you know how stifling it is? Do you want me to be unhappy and work just for the money?” Richard’s voice was calm, in stark opposition to Judith’s angry one.

“Yes! Yes Richard, I want you to work for the money for once,” Judith had replied with all her anger intact, “because that is what will buy you and your family a comfortable life. If that makes you unhappy then that is your problem to deal with. Not your little Sammy’s or Kimmy’s, who were sent back home from school because we have not paid their fees since last term. Did you not see their faces? Did it not break your heart?”

Judith had broken down just then and there had been a momentary silence, for she had collected herself almost immediately and said, “Richard, we cannot live like this. At least, let me go look for a job till you find something that you are happy with. It will be a temporary thing.”

Once again, there had been silence after that, which had left little Kim wondering why her mother needed her father’s permission to look for a job. It would not be until another year when she got to know that her mother was from a very affluent family in Canada and had married her much elder brother's best friend, very much against her family’s wishes. Her parents had been in love despite the fourteen-year age gap, but soon her mother had faced the hardships caused by her father’s brilliance and inability to work under people, leaving them to live a very basic life. On most days, it had been merely hand-to-mouth. When the temporary agreement of her mother working had become a permanent one, Kim could not remember.

CHAPTER 9

Kim didn’t realize when the darkness of the night sky began to fade away and turn to light. But she knew she couldn’t stay in bed any longer. She felt the urgent need to shed the memories that had haunted her the whole night. She wanted to bury them, erase them, but experience told her that such memories never go away; they return to haunt at the oddest hours.

The many places Kim had been fortunate to travel to, she had loved to experiment with morning beverages. The Turkish coffee, Café Cubano, Restretto, Café Bombon — these were some of her favorites, which went beyond the various versions of cappuccino and latte. Kim had mastered these tastes, and she even prepared them with some mastery as often as she could. She also enjoyed her teas, and had mastered many of them too.

But today, she wanted her trusted latte. She knew caffeine would be the only thing that could help her get through this day.

Judith and Sam weren’t up yet, which meant there was still some time. Kim sat by the window, looking at the quiet street and stared straight ahead as far as she could see. She noticed nothing on the roads, but was still entangled in her thoughts. She couldn’t figure out what it was that upset her so much. Still unaware of her feelings, the unease within her was growing. Finally, she decided, she couldn’t afford to ponder over something that she couldn’t figure out. She brushed it aside as pangs of nervousness about moving back. What else could they be?

Then, as she walked into the kitchen to get her cup of coffee, still engrossed in her thoughts, she heard her mother’s surprised voice, “You are up early, Kim?”

And, suddenly, Kim was happy to see her mother. She couldn’t have been gladder to see her mom — anyone and anything was welcome as long as she could get away from her thoughts.

“I thought I’d see the rising sun. I don’t get to see much of it these days,” Kim managed to say with a smile. Then she moved from the window, switched on the TV and sat down on the sofa. Her mother evidently understood that there was something going on in her mind but Kim knew she wouldn’t bring up anything that she didn’t want to talk about. Judith wouldn’t disturb her anymore; she wanted her daughter to move back home.

“Sam will be going for that interview that Dave has set up for her,” said Judith. Sam, who had finished her studies was back home. She was looking for some work experience before going for her Masters in Business Management.

“I think the head office is a little far from here,” continued Judith after a long gulp of coffee. “But we’ll see about it once she gets through. He mentioned that they are looking for candidates for their new branch at the City Center too. So, maybe, they could put her there. It will be better for her to commute anyway.”

Kim listened absentmindedly as her fingers kept flicking through the TV channels. Her mother took the remote from her and continued, “Of course, that’s being presumptuous. She needs to get through first.”

“Mom,” Kim said, “do you think we are getting too dependent on Dave for every small thing?”

The doubt that had been pestering Kim since several days was now out in the open, but the moment she said it, she began to regret it. It hadn’t sounded like such a bad idea in her head.

Judith looked at her with widened eyes. She felt a wave of anger rushing in her body, so much so that she could even feel the heat on her face. But she checked herself. The anger was because she thought of all that Kim had made Richard go through when he had advised her against Dave. Now, she had doubts? Judith didn’t want to get into an argument with Kim. She reminded herself of that. But she also knew that she could not allow Kim to follow this particular train of thoughts.

“Kim, you must not think too much,” said Judith, choosing her words carefully. “It can spoil even the good things in life.” Judith was wary.

Judith did not want to say anything, even by accident, which could tick Kim off. She knew that if Kim went this time, she would not return for a long, long time, and so an uncomfortable silence stretched between them.

On the other hand, Kim knew what her mother had carefully masked in her words, and she didn’t get mad. She couldn’t get mad. There was nothing her mom had said or not said that could upset her.

Just then, Sam walked in, and they both forced a smile for her benefit.

The smiles amused Sam. She walked over and helped herself to a mug of coffee and said cheerfully, “Don’t mind me. Please continue whatever it is that you people are doing, and do stop with those fake smiles!”

Then she sat with them in the living room, but there was silence once again. However, it was not as piercing as before.

Sam had always managed to bring a sense of normalcy into the household. That was the reason that everybody else tried to keep things as normal as possible for her benefit. Sending her away when Richard was ill wasn’t an easy decision to take, but they did not want her to live with the image of her father’s deteriorating health. Even Richard himself had always wanted his Sammy to remember him as her strong Pa.

That was why she was away from the drama that ensued when Kim broke the news about her relationship with Dave. Sam had always been the sheltered one in the family, and everyone ensured things were kept as normal as possible for her, but the fact was that everyone derived some strength from her cheerfulness. Slowly, they had begun to realize that in making things normal for Sam, they were helping themselves more than they were helping her.

***

Dave flew with Kim to Abu Dhabi to help her pack up and sort out the paperwork that needed to be done. It took them a little over two weeks to sort everything out. This time, their stay at Abu Dhabi wasn’t rushed. They had no business or work that needed them to be up and running.  Once they vacated the house Kim had leased out, handed over the keys, and moved into a hotel, they were free. It would take them a couple of hours in the mornings to complete the necessary paperwork, but the rest of the days were free. They decided to make the most of this time they had.

“I want to buy something from here, as a keepsake,” said Kim when they started walking towards the hotel exit on their last day there.

“Okay,” said Dave.  “Do you have anything in mind other than postcards and coffee pots?”

“Hmm… I don’t know.”

“How about we go to the Al Mina market then?” suggested Dave. “Maybe we could look in their carpet souk. Does that sound good?”

“Yes, that’d be nice,” said Kim after a moment’s thought. “But this time, I want something smaller. Not like the one you convinced me to pick up in Tehran.”

“Oh, you don’t like it? An original Iranian carpet from Tehran, and you don’t like it?”

“No, no, of course, I like it. I love it,” said Kim hastily. “But I want something smaller this time. Something that I can put up on the wall.”

“Why would you put a carpet up on the wall?”

“Because I want to defy gravity and start walking on the walls,” said Kim, with a twinge of annoyance.

“Ah! Defying gravity. I guess that’s the only thing that you haven’t defied yet,” Dave teased and gave her a side hug and lightly pressed his lips on her head. Kim couldn’t help but smile to herself just as their ride pulled in and the valet opened the door to the car for them.