Phantom Scars (5 page)

Chapter 9 - The Husband’s Job

We had gotten into a routine. Emma would have breakfast ready when I woke, and then we would go downstairs and work with my momma. We had been doing this for almost two weeks, so I was surprised when I woke up and didn't find Emma in the kitchen. The only other place she would have been was the bathroom, so I quickly knocked on the door and leaned my ear against it, only to hear crying.

"Emma, are you okay? Do you need something, Little One? Are you sick?"

She didn't answer me, and the door was locked. I started to panic, so I did what any man did when he didn't know what to do with his upset wife. I called my momma. I told her what was going on, and she came right upstairs and sent me out of the bedroom, so I couldn't hear what was going on. When my momma came out of my room, she gave me a shopping list.

When I looked down at it, I felt like an idiot. Of course Emma was a girl, so she would need this stuff.

Feminine pads

Feminine pain reliever

Heating pad

She was having her period and was obviously miserable. I looked at my momma dumbfounded. "You're a husband now, that's part of your job." I nodded and headed outside to my motorcycle to hit the closest drugstore.

I scratched my head, when I stepped inside the store. I was only familiar with the liquor aisle here. A woman stepped up and looked over at my list. "Do you need some assistance?" she asked.

"Yeah, my wife needs this stuff," I said handing her the list, and she smiled knowingly.

"This way, Sir." She led me through the feminine products aisle, and I had never seen so many choices for handling one bodily function in my life. I was lost in a jungle of super versus ultras, maxis versus minis, and god help me, scented or unscented. Who thought of this stuff? Of course, right next to all of this was the display of condoms and such. I felt my ears getting hot, as I thought of needing any of those.

I was relieved and ready to get out of there, when we were finally heading to the register. The clerk surprised me by stopping and grabbing a tub of cookie dough ice cream and some chocolate bars. She set them next to the other items. "Trust me, she'll be thrilled you bought these," she grinned, and I smiled and thanked her, as she rang up my purchase.

I found Emma lying on her bed, curled into a ball, with my momma rubbing her lower back. I walked in and showed her what I bought, and my momma got up and kissed my cheek. "It looks like you can handle it from here. Good job, sugar."

I quickly grabbed a bottle of water and gave her the pills she had requested. As she took them, I plugged in the heating pad, put it on low, and passed it to her. She thanked me with tears in her eyes.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked.

She sniffled a little, and I pulled her into my arms.

"Abby makes me miss my mother," she whispered sadly.

"Oh, Little One, I'm so sorry," I hugged her a little tighter. "Do you want to tell me about your momma?"

She looked up at me unsure and then nodded yes. She went on to tell me how her momma always had her head in the clouds, never truly noticing what was going on around her in the real world. She was a busy body, but she’d always had time to care for her daughter when she didn't feel well.

When I asked what had happened to her momma, remembering that she had said she had no family, she just shook her head. "Nothing happened to her. It was
who
."

I looked at her, waiting for her to explain, but her lip just quivered. She turned her face into my shoulder and burst into tears. I held her until she cried herself to sleep. I didn't know who had hurt my Little One, but I would do my best to let her know she was safe.

Chapter 10 – Meeting Dr. Greyson

It had been three months that I had been married and living with Emma. She seemed to find her place with my family, and I could tell they truly loved her. She and my momma had become close, and the way she clung to momma just made her smile. She had always wanted a daughter, and now she’d gotten her wish. Emma was still so young and impressionable, so I was glad it was my momma helping for the sake of her young mind. I didn't think you could ever find a better woman than my momma. She was open and loving and had a heart the size of the ocean. I also knew if she figured out I was lusting after our little Emma, she would kill me.

Emma was just a little girl, and here I was fighting my eyes to stay on her face and not her chest. She was so tiny and warm, and I just wanted to snuggle her in my arms and not let her go, but I couldn't touch her. Not without reason, not without the purpose of comforting her, and she had needed less and less comforting lately. It had been too long since I had gotten to hold her in my arms, and it was driving me nuts. I did my best not to look, as she bent at the waist, pulling pots out from under the counter. I tried not to watch the way her hips moved, as she washed dishes and wiped the counters, and I’d swear I sincerely tried not to look at her wet shirt. But it was wet!

Thank heavens my sweet little innocent Emma never noticed my observations. She never seemed to notice I was watching her every second of the day, and I always found a task close to her, so I wouldn't have to leave her side. It was a wonder momma didn’t catch me and drag me back to church.

Eli stopped me one night as I stocked the pantry. "You should have her talk to someone. Not all scars are on the outside." He handed me a little card and left me to stare at it dumbfounded.

I knew my wife needed help, but I had been hoping I would be enough. I looked down at the name, Dr. Warren Greyson, and wondered if he could help her. I wondered if he would let me go with her to her sessions, because I doubted she would feel comfortable enough to go on her own. I would have to call and find out.

Thinking about Emma seeing a doctor took my mind off her body, so at least something positive came out of the mess of my worry. I snuck off up to our apartment and called the number on the card. I was surprised when a man answered. "Hello, this is Dr. Greyson, how may I help you?"

"Hello, Dr. Greyson, I was calling for a few reasons. My friend gave me your card and suggested my wife might benefit from your assistance in dealing with some stuff."

"What kind of stuff are we talking about?" he asked pleasantly.

"Well, to be honest, I don't know. She hasn't told me what happened to her, but I know something did, so I was hoping you’d be able to help her out."

"If she did decide to come speak with me, I wouldn’t be able to share with you her life experiences. Only she can share that with you. Doctor-patient privilege you know."

"That's fine," I let out a breath. "Um, how much would it cost for her to see you?"

"I'm guessing you don't have insurance?"

"No, Sir, we don't, I work on a ship half the year, and I'm home the other half, working in my momma's restaurant,
The Magnolia
."

"
The Magnolia
? Do you know Abby Clemens?" he asked, sounding a little excited.

"Yes, Sir, she's my momma, as I said." I wondered what his deal was.

"Oh, she makes the best pies. You bring me one of her pies, and you got yourself a deal."

"So, a pie a visit?" I asked a little confused.

"Yes, or cobbler…oh, her cobblers are heavenly as well!" he said excitedly.

"Um, okay, when can I bring my wife in?" I asked.

I heard the rustling of papers, and then he asked, "How about late this afternoon at five o'clock? It's the last appointment of the day, and it’ll give us extra time if we need it."

"Thank you. We'll be there."

When I told my momma of the deal I had made with Dr. Greyson, she seemed a little too happy about it, and it bothered me. She made a sheet of peach cobbler just for him and sent a tub of vanilla ice cream to go along with it. Of course, because of the payment we were taking, we had to borrow her car. A sheet of cobbler and a tub of ice cream, along with my wife, would be very difficult to manage on the back of my motorcycle, at least it would be if we wanted to keep it bug-free.

When we walked up to his office, I noticed his hours were from nine o’clock to five o’clock, and I wondered why he would schedule an appointment for us after hours. When we walked in, I handed him his ice cream, and his eyes just about popped out of his head, when he saw the size of the cobbler. I think momma had gone a little overboard. He was just able to fit it in his work fridge, and then he brought us back to his office.

"So, why don't you both tell me a little about yourselves, so we can break the ice," he said.

I looked at my wife, who was staring firmly at the floor and holding onto my hand like it was her life rope. I scooted a little closer to her, understanding her nerves, and wrapped an arm around her. She promptly buried her face in my shoulder, and I saw Dr. Greyson's eyes soften.

"Well, I'm Devin, and this is my wife, Emmaline, but she goes by Emma. We met on my last ship run for the textile mills. She stowed away in my quarters, and with time, I was able to coax her out of hiding and get to know her a little."

"Do you have any idea of why she's so timid in male company?" he asked gently.

I frowned and picked up her hand. She had no idea what I was doing, and she gasped when I pushed her sleeve up a little, exposing her wrist with the bondage scars. She yanked her hand away from me and tucked it behind me in the couch.

I kissed her head and hugged her. "It's okay, honey, he's a doctor," I whispered, and I saw her peek at him. "She also has scars across her back as well," I informed him, and she wiggled more into my side. I hugged her tighter and kissed her head. "I’ve got you," I whispered.

The doctor just looked at us for a while and then wrote a few things down. "So, how did she come to trust you?" he asked.

"I suppose it started when I took care of her when she was sick on the ship. I started leaving her notes, where we spoke of ourselves to each other."

"So your relationship was developed over time?" he asked.

"Yes, it was, and I made sure to let her know I wouldn’t hurt her. I did scare her a couple of times, but I did what I could to calm her, or I’d leave so she could see I wasn't a threat."

"Did it work? Could she calm herself?"

"Yes, but it took a while to settle her down."

He pulled his chair around to the front of the couch, and Emma tucked her legs up next to me. I wrapped my arm around them as well, so she would know she was safe.

"Alright, Emma, my dear, I can see you're very anxious when you're around me." He looked at me. "I assume this is true of all gentlemen?"

"Yes, it took her a while, but we got her used to my brother and Eli. She still doesn’t do well when left alone with them, though."

"Okay, what I'm observing here is a severe reaction I'm fairly certain developed because she’s needed to defend herself from some kind of danger before, but now it's out of place. She has an anxiety issue that's limiting her ability to interact with others. So, I'm going to write her a prescription for some anti-anxiety medication. It’ll most likely make her sleepy, so I suggest you have her take it before bed. It'll take anywhere from a week to a month to fully kick in, and we'll see how she's feeling then and adjust the medication accordingly."

I brushed the hair back from her face and kissed her forehead. "Emma," I whispered to her, "Is that okay? Do you want to try some medicine?"

"It'll help with your panic attacks as well," Dr. Greyson added.

She looked up at me then to him, and then she looked back to me and nodded yes. I smiled widely and kissed her forehead again. "Okay, honey, we'll get it for you."

Dr. Greyson got up and walked to the other side of the room, pulling out a notebook and then his prescription pad. He wrote up the prescription and handed it to me along with the notebook. "Emma, I suspect some of the things you experienced will be difficult to talk about, even medicated, so I want you to write them instead. You don't have to share them with me or anyone else," he said looking at me.

“I want you to come back in a week, and hopefully the medicine will have kicked in a little. Your writing assignment for next week is to write your feelings on coming to see a doctor for help. They don't have to be positive. If you're upset with Devin for bringing you, by all means, write about it. Just get it out, okay?" he said and then patted my knee. "You're doing good with her, she trusts you. Let's hope she trusts you enough to know you’re just trying to help by bringing her to see me." He stood up and moved his chair back behind his desk. "Alright, same time next week?" he asked.

"Yes, that's fine."

"Okay, wonderful, have a good week," he called to us as we left. I think I liked him. I had worried he would be a jerk and insist I stay out and scare the living daylights out of my girl, but he was gentle and careful, and he even knew to hand the stuff to me, not to her. I think this might work. I really hoped it would.

Chapter 11 - A Peek Inside

Emma spent the next week writing in the notebook constantly. It was like all the things she wanted to say, she wrote instead of verbalized. I wondered if she had been very chatty before she had been taken, because she seemed to have a lot to say on paper.

We took a pie to Dr. Greyson the following week, and Emma brought her notebook, which she kept with her twenty-four-seven. I think she was afraid I would read it. I had to admit, I wanted to, but I respected her wishes and her privacy. I was kind of hoping she would let Dr. Greyson read it out loud.

Dr. Greyson took the apple caramel crumb pie with joy and led us back to his office. Emma snuggled deep into my side and focused on the notebook in her lap.

"How was your week?" he asked.

I smiled. "Good, I think." I looked over at Emma, smiling proudly. "She's taken to writing like a fish to water."

"Good, that's good, I'm glad to hear it. It can be very therapeutic to get it out. How’s the medicine working for her?" he asked me.

I looked at her, wondering if she would give me a clue of how to answer. She just smiled at me. "I think it's doing well."

"Do we need to adjust the dose?" he asked. "We can make it a little higher if need be," he offered, speaking more to her.

She nodded yes, and he smiled.

"Alright, we'll kick it up a notch. Is there anything in the notebook you’d like to share with us?"

She looked at me and smiled timidly, as she pushed it into my lap. I smiled at her, taking it. It was the first time I think she had let anyone else lay a hand on it. "Do you want me to give it to him?" I asked.

She nodded yes.

I reached it out to Dr. Greyson, and he took it. "May I read this out loud, or do you want to keep it between us?" he asked Emma.

She shrugged.

"Okay, if I'm going to read this out loud, I want you to have my stop bell," he said and pulled a little silver bell from his drawer. "If I start to get to a part you don't want read aloud, you just ring that bell. If you want me to stop reading all together, you ring it three times, okay?" he asked and passed me the bell to give to her.

She nodded okay.

He opened the book, and I held my breath, waiting for the chance to get inside her mind…

I was not happy to have to come to the doctor, but I know why Devin did it. He was right to do it. I’m such a huge burden on him and his family. I didn't realize how broken I was, until I was forced back into the real world. Everything is so different from my life before. I wonder if I’m ever going to be that girl again and hope that maybe I can be.

Her first entry was short, but left me feeling hopeful.

I like to watch Devin, and he doesn't know it, but I know he’s watching me constantly. I watch him watching me. I can see him in the reflection of the pots in the kitchen and sometimes in the window at night. I see him looking after me, and I feel safe. It feels good to feel safe.

I felt a little guilty for getting caught watching her constantly. My face burned with embarrassment, but I was glad she felt safe and not creeped out. She squeezed my hand.

Abby is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I want to be strong like her. She looks after me and everyone who comes into her restaurant. I overhear her laughter from the dining hall, and I listen carefully to hear her speak people's names and ask about their families. She knows them and loves them. I wish I wasn't broken, so I could love like her.

"You're not broken," I whispered to her.

She frowned at me.

"Okay, maybe a little dinged up, but we'll fix it," I smiled, and she rolled her eyes.

Devin is restless at night. I wonder what bothers him. I don't want him to have nightmares. I sit next to his bed at night, humming to him like I did on the ship, but now it’s to calm him so he has happy dreams, not to keep him asleep so I can stretch. His hair is soft. I like to touch it when he’s asleep.

She blushed, and I leaned in and kissed her forehead. "Thank you," was all I said, and she smiled timidly up at me.

These pills make me sleepy. It’s been harder to avoid my nightmares. I’ve taken to getting up at night and sitting in the tub. The cold hard surface makes me feel safe, like when I hid on the ship. I knew I was safe. I still doze off, and I still dream. It’s never the same dream, always a different part, always a different face, a different piece of the puzzle I’m trying to throw away. I wonder sometimes how many pieces there are in this puzzle of Hell.

"Very eloquent," Dr. Greyson said.

Clayton is big, he reminds me of…

Those were the last words Dr. Greyson was able to read, before the silver bell rang clearly three times.

Dr. Greyson looked up at her and smiled, as he stopped reading and closed the book. "Good job, Emma. I want you to know you can expect to have your privacy respected." He passed the book to me, and I gave it back to her. I knew she kept a fair distance from Clayton, and now I knew why. He reminded her of someone from before. My Little One was making great strides by even being able to be around him.

I kissed her forehead. "You're doing great," I whispered, and she snuggled deeper into my side.

"Emma, I gathered from your notes that you're not sleeping well, and that can really make your anxiety worse. For this next writing assignment, I want you to spend the week focusing on things that make you feel good and help you relax. It can be anything from the smell of something to the feel of something, like you mentioned the bathtub. Just focus on what it is you like and what makes you feel happy and safe, and hopefully in next week's visit, we can come up with a plan to help you get a safe and happy night's rest," he said smiling.

He wrote out another prescription. It was for the same medicine, but for a higher dose. I hoped it would help my Little One rest. I felt guilty that I had been sleeping like a log, unaware of her distress at night. I was going to have to find a way to fix that.