Pieces of Me (21 page)
Authors: Amber Kizer
Samuel waited, staring at the screen. Hoping she hadn’t logged off, that he hadn’t pushed too hard for her to take care of herself.
S: Misty?
M: here
S: do u feel guilty because u got sick?
M: i know who my donor was
she went to my school
S: r u sure?
M: i saw her a couple days before she died
and she was so upset
she’d gotten a bad haircut and I ignored her
i stayed in the bathroom stall
and watched her cry
and didn’t try to help her
l8r i heard her hair was cut as a joke
You didn’t want me to see your pain. You were hiding too
.
S: do u know how to cut hair?
M: no
but I could have offered to give her
tissues or something
told her it wasn’t so bad
that she’d survive at least
I hid from her instead
And you needed someone to say all of those same things to you. You can’t give what you don’t have
.
Samuel knew he had to change the subject. Get her thinking about something other than the crushing guilt and insignificance she seemed to drown in. He said a quick prayer that he might say the right words, find the way to reach Misty, comfort her from so far away.
S: have i ever told you about my addiction
to snail mail?
M: no
S: i will send you a postcard
what’s your mailing addy?
M: why?
S: i like real mail
it stays around when the power goes out
M: do u wonder what stays here
when our power goes out?
S: r u afraid of death?
M: yes
Misty couldn’t imagine, but knew she’d be even more alone dead than she was living.
S: what scares u most?
M: not no-ing
S: u cant know until u believe
M: what?
S: u have to believe in it
B 4 u can understand
u have to believe there will be a net 2 catch
u before u jump
M: i don’t know if i can do that
Samuel’s frustration overcame him. He didn’t have the words. He saw a shrinking window of opportunity with Misty. She was giving up. He felt it. He couldn’t make her hang on but God could. Why was He letting her suffer like this? Believing that her family would be better off if she died. Terrified of death because her present loneliness was all she saw of the beyond.
“Come on, speak to her. Show her. Make her believe in you,” Samuel called out. He tried to pray, but God wasn’t listening. He felt that too. As if God decided Sam used up all his prayers and miracles on himself. Like that friend who turned his back because too much was asked of the friendship.
M: i have 2 go
S: Misty?
promise me u will log back in tomorrow
M: sure
S: no
really
promise me
M: i promise
Samuel scoured the web for examples of faith in action. He wanted to prove to Misty she had to hold on. He hunted for her donor. His own search went on hold.
Bingo
.
THE SEATTLE TIMES
November 3
Local Teen Jessica Chai Turned Tragedy into the Ultimate Gift
Her parents said, “She was always talking about how she was going to change the world.” And in the most profound way, she did. It will be months before her family is fully notified how many donors and lives she changed. As of this article, there are four known organ recipients, but cornea and tissue recipients have not yet been reported back.
The transplant coordinator’s office was very forthcoming about organ and tissue donation, especially for children and teens. “Many of the children waiting for organs need the organs of other children because of their specialized size. Parents don’t often think about the unexpected death of a child, so they’re faced with the decision to donate at the same moment they’re trying to accept a tragedy and say good-bye. It’s heartbreaking.”
The mother of an infant who donated her baby’s organs, successively saving five other babies, told us, “When a child dies, and parents do not donate, there are multiple tragedies. I would do anything
to save other parents from what I’m feeling. Nothing will bring back my baby, but knowing that there are five children growing up who could have died too? There is a peace, in knowing they have futures, I wouldn’t have otherwise. There is peace. I don’t understand why more parents don’t donate.”
In a world where teenagers are most often talked about as thinking themselves immortal and untouchable, Jessica Chai was an anomaly. By talking to her parents about her desires to be an organ donor, she made this an easy decision. Her mother insisted, “This wasn’t our decision, we’re just following her wishes. She even posted her pledge to her social media accounts.”
The list of needed donations goes beyond the usual heart, liver, and kidneys. Other lesser-known tissue donations are: skin used for grafts on burn patients, bones used to rebuild joints and jaws of those injured in accidents or facing cancer, as well as veins and arteries that can restore limb function. The list goes on—one donor can outright save the lives of a dozen people and improve the quality of life for fifty more. And yet, every year the list of those who need grows greater. Thousands of people die each year waiting for a lifesaving decision. That’s a staggering loss of life that could be saved.
Cheerleaders at Jessica’s high school are putting together a memorial case and will hold a pep assembly to educate the student body about her gifts.
“We’re all totally supportive of Jessica. It’s really sad. She was in my math class in seventh grade,” offered Tiffany Jones.
Perhaps Jessica’s decision will spur other families to have conversations and make pledges. Though overcome with grief, Jessica’s father did add, “We hope she’ll be remembered as the giving person she always was. Carlton can be proud of his big sister.”
Samuel sat back and stared at the screen. I started reading from the top. Again. And again.
Leif jotted down, erased, crossed off, and ultimately started a new page. He wanted to fix things with Vivian. He was inspired by their early conversations about seeing potential donors doing reckless acts and making ill-conceived choices. He wanted her to know he was listening. He’d paid attention. She mattered to him.
He strummed a chord and sang, “Oh, no, there goes a donor …”
He tried again. “Dead-man-walking donor … Stupid-stunt-girl donor …”
Leif sighed. Songwriting wasn’t as easy as passing the ball. But he was tired of easy. He wanted real. Vivian was the realest part of his life.
He flipped through his notebook and looked at the title of his first love song. “Vivian.”
He tapped a beat on the guitar and sang a cappella, “She sees
the world in color, in universal colors … who names the colors, feels and sees and breathes the colors.”
Just sing songs already written. You have a nice voice, but you suck at writing lyrics
.
Leif paused and began working on the next lines. “ ‘Her strength is …’ What rhymes with
inspirational
?”
He skipped over verses and tried to match sound and chords to the chorus. YouTube made it look so easy.
“Confident, sexy, vibrant Vivian …”
“… Lovely, funny, pretty Vivian …”
This is painful. Yet of the four of them, at the moment, he’s the least painful
.
Samuel had his head buried in religious texts, trying to find answers for Misty. Misty was curled up in her library den, barely managing to make a couple of cranes an hour. Vivian kept scraping the canvases free of paint and starting over.
They’re a mess
.
Leif’s message alert dinged and he saw MiracleMan Sam’s ID pop up with a message.
S: u around? 911
Leif put the guitar down and typed a quick response.
PP: what’s up?
S: i think Misty is bad sick
im afraid she might do crazy
She doesn’t have the strength to be crazy
.
PP: do what?
S: idk
suicide
PP: wow
true?
S: IDK
she gave me her address
i dont have my license but im going to
hitch up there
can i crash with u for a night?
rather the fam not know im in town
2 many ???s
PP: don’t hitch
if u r afraid of time u need 2 fly
can u catch a flight?
S: im tapped
sent all cash to the charities already this month
or id borrow it
Leif looked at the sixty bucks in his basketball-shaped bank from elementary school. He didn’t have enough either.
PP: people get raped and murdered hitching
S: nah i think u just have to be careful
i will pick minivans or soccer moms
PP: im pretty sure they don’t stop
S: i gotta try man
i gotta try
PP: hold tight
don’t go anywhere
give me time to see if I can’t get u a ticket
S: im not asking u to cover it
but im good for it
PP: im not worried
i have 2 ask Viv
so give me an hour to get back to u
ok?
S: sure
gotta finish laundry nywy
or my ma will know sums up
Come on, Leif
. Leif grabbed the car keys and headed toward Art and Soul. His parents were out running and hopefully he’d be back before they noticed. I didn’t know if saving Misty was possible, but if Samuel and Leif tried, if they noticed her pain, maybe that would save her heart.
Leif waved at Cassidy when he entered.
She smiled. “She’s still mad at you. But between you and me, I don’t think it’s mad.” Cassidy lowered her voice as other customers walked in.
“What is it, then?” Leif asked, genuinely intrigued. He needed the insight.
“Fear. Of you deciding you prefer blond cheerleader babes over artists. It’s an unwritten rule that the quarterback dates the head cheerleader.”
He shook his head. “Funny, I didn’t get that rule book.”
“Like I said, it’s unwritten.” She grinned.
“She’s not here, is she?”
“Nope, at home, moping.”
“Okay, thanks.” He turned to go. At least he knew where she lived. He checked the time as he left.
“Hey, Leif?” Cassidy called out.
He stopped and turned. “Yeah?”
“Take flowers. She likes sweet peas—they have some at the market today.”
“Thanks.” Leif mentally detoured. If sweet peas might get her to listen, then he’d get flowers.
Vivian missed him
. She was used to carrying around grief, but because that friend was dead, not because she chose not to be with him. This was new and she didn’t like it at all. She finished hanging the self-portrait above her bed.
Before transplant. After transplant
.
She liked it. Vivian left one side of her face blank, with the merest smudges of shadow and feature. Her future was blank and it was her choices that would fill it up, not the cystic fibrosis.
The other side of her face she’d intricately painted with tiny portraits of those she’d outlived, the bits of experiences and mementos that kept her going even when she wanted to give up. She was two halves in one lifetime.
She stepped back and finished unpacking her hospital luggage. The next time she packed these bags she would be going to the airport and heading out on a grand adventure. Not going in for a biopsy. From now on, for medical, she’d take a toothbrush and a pair of pajamas with her. No longer would she bide her time between physical breakdowns; she refused to calculate her life by appointments anymore. Tomorrow, she and her mom would go shopping for a prom dress. Just for fun.
When the doorbell rang, Vivian hoped for a second it was Leif. But she had no idea where to begin repairing the damage or how to explain that the buttons he’d pushed were the most painful. She took her time, assuming it was a UPS delivery or a kid selling candy for summer camp.
It
was
Leif. Vivian’s mouth went dry and she gripped the banister so she wouldn’t fall.
Yep, Prince Charming is here. Open the door
.
He pressed the doorbell again and the chime reverberated through the house.
“Hi.” Vivian opened the front door and leaned against it.
“Look, I know you’re mad at me. And you can yell at me or throw things or whatever later, but I need you to call a truce for a little while and help a friend.”
She swung open the door. “I call truce if those sweet peas are for me.”
“Oh, yeah.” He thrust them forward. “Cassidy said they were your favorite.”
“You went there?”
“You’re usually working.”
“Having a home day.”
“So, I saw you with a credit card, right?”
“Romantic opener.” She raised her eyebrows. “Yeah? So?”
Leif launched into the story of Sam and what he knew about Misty.
“Come on.” Vivian dragged him up the stairs. “It sounds like she’s rejecting the liver. You can’t stop taking the meds, Leif, they’re the only thing that keeps the body from turning on the organ. She’s going to die if she doesn’t get treatment.” Vivian stopped.