Pieces of My Heart (19 page)

“And then, when Kiernan . . . These last few months . . . Every time I lost control, I’d start begging for the same thing.” Taking a deep breath, I steadied my shaky voice. “But I think I understand it now. ‘Home’ isn’t a physical place. It isn’t four walls. It isn’t rooms and windows and doors. Home is where you feel
safe
. Somewhere you feel
protected
and
cared for
. Somewhere you feel
wanted
.
Loved.
Home was never the place I grew up in. But I finally found it . . .” Meeting Caulder’s eyes in that moment was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. “In you.”

Anguish washed over his face as his eyes slammed closed. His mouth dropped open and a single word slipped out. Not even a whisper, it was barely a shred of sound, torn from somewhere deep inside of him. “
Angel
.”

“I’m sorry, Cal.” Tears pricked my eyes at the thought of causing him that kind of pain. “I didn’t mean to—”

“Stop.” His eyes burned into mine.

“Cal, I never meant to—”

“Stop talking.” He leaned across the seat, close enough that the fire in his eyes scorched me head to toe. My heart picked up a frantic rhythm.

“Why?” The word slipped out as barely more than a fragile gasp of highly charged air.

“Because if I don’t kiss you right this second . . .” His knuckles skimmed over the apple of my cheek, fingers tracing the shell of my ear as he tucked away an errant strand of hair. “I think I may die.”

“But . . .” I was so confused. I knew what
I
wanted. What I wanted more than anything on Earth, right that moment. And I had no freaking clue why I was arguing. But . . . “You said—”

“It doesn’t matter what I said. I’m a friggin’ idiot.” Cupping the back of my neck, Caulder hauled me closer and his lips slammed down on mine.

It wasn’t a romantic kiss. It wasn’t the kind you read about in fairytales, filled with sweet innocence. This kiss tasted of desperation and pain and need. His mouth ravished mine with a drive to devour that I understood all too well. We clung to each other, hands fisting in hair and clothing, holding on to one another, as though we both felt the urgency to ensure nothing could ever tear us apart.

“Oh, God.” Caulder gasped, tearing his lips from mine.

“What? What did I do?”

“Nothing, Angel.” He dropped his forehead to mine and shut his eyes again, his chest pressing against mine as he filled his lungs to capacity. “It feels like I can breathe again. I’ve been suffocating for so long, I almost forgot what it felt like. You say
you
need
me
, but I’m the one who can’t live without you. You’re my oxygen, Jade.”

Burrowing deeper into Caulder’s chest, I hugged him tighter and felt him shudder in my arms.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Alternately repeating those words and pressing kisses to my hair, I didn’t know who he was apologizing to. Whether it was me, or himself, or Kiernan . . .

I didn’t say a word. I let him get it out. Curled into him on the side of a busy road, I held onto my home. And I felt him breathe.

Nineteen

The Parks’ guest room was a soothing shade of pale pink. Along with the cream comforter and mint green sheets, it created a sense of tranquility. The softest mattress in the world didn’t hurt, either. Still, I lay awake until all hours of the night.

My mother’s words blended with Michael’s. And then DJ’s, followed by Stryker’s.

Your father’s going to be around for a while. You might as well get used to it.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that because I donated sperm and about twenty minutes of my time to your existence that I’ll let you stand between me and what I want.

He’s out for blood and I’m not going down for this bullshit. You better watch your back, Jade. Because he’s coming for you.

I wasn’t lying when I told you someone was going to be made an example of.

Let’s teach that stupid bitch a lesson she won’t never forget.

They ran circles around my mind, bleeding into my dreams the few times I dared to seek peace in sleep.

You’re the worst kind of rat, Jade. And you’re gonna die in the sewers with the rest of us. Who knows, maybe we’ll eat you for dinner.

“Jade!”

I bolted upright, sucking wind. “What?”

My heart pounded inside my chest as I fought to control my breathing.

Slowly, Caulder approached the side of the bed and lowered himself onto the edge of the mattress. Little by little, my brain cells started firing again and it registered that he was only wearing a pair of low slung pajama pants. And it was dark.

“I heard screaming.”

Screaming?
“I . . . I must have had a nightmare. I didn’t even realize I’d fallen asleep.”

“It was bound to happen sooner or later. You’ve been awake for three straight days.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. I . . .”

“Shh.” Two big hands cupped my face, his thumbs brushing smoothly across my cheeks. It was only then that I realized they were damp and that the tears were continuing to fall. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

His touch alone sent a shudder of relief through me. “Cal . . .”

Scooting closer, he wrapped me in his arms and pulled me against his chest. “I’m right here. You’re okay, Angel.”

His bare skin radiated heat like a furnace. A soothing warmth that seeped inside me and eased my painfully tight muscles. “I can’t shut it off. I can’t stop thinking about—”

“I know.” Of course he did. Because he couldn’t, either. I hadn’t woken him. He’d heard my nightmare because he’d already been awake. Caulder was a problem solver. He wouldn’t rest until we figured out a solution to my current problems—of which, there were many.

“What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know.” I felt my head shift with the steady rise and fall of his chest. “But I do know you have nothing to be afraid of. I won’t let anything happen to you. You’re safe here and you’re not going back there.”

It was the same argument we’d been having for days. He really wanted to rehash it now?

“I can’t just live in your guestroom forever.”

“Why not?” Gentle fingers tucked the hair out of my face and he dipped his head to look at me. “No one else is using it.”

Sleep clawed at me, threatening to drag me under again, but I was afraid of what waited for me there.

“She’s my mother, Cal.”

He opened his mouth to disagree—I was sure—but I waved my hand through the air, cutting him off.

“I know you won’t agree, but I have to give her another chance. I have to. I’m not asking you to understand it.”

“Good, because I don’t.” He voice came out gruff, but the sorrow in his eyes told me that maybe he did. He may not have understood why—I wasn’t even sure I understood that—but he did understand how much she meant to me.

“I have to talk to her.” I couldn’t give up. Not yet. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to give up on her.

“Talking is fine.” Caulder’s fingers threaded through my hair, combing the strands along my back. “But you’re not going back to that apartment as long as Michael’s there. You’re not going back to that apartment, at all. If she wants you in her life, she has to cut him out. It’s as simple as that. You want to give her another chance. That’s it. She can choose. Then maybe we can find somewhere else for the two of you to live. Somewhere safe. Somewhere no one will find you.”

‘No one’ being drug dealers and members of the Hell Hounds MC. I was really keeping some great company these days.

“But . . .” I was too tired to shut my eyes without falling asleep, so I kept them open and swallowed back the exhausted tears threatening to make a reappearance. “What if she doesn’t . . .?” Making Mom choose between me and Michael was a terrifying thought.
“She’s all I have left. She’s all I’ve ever had. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

“She is not all you have, Angel. Not anymore. Not ever again.”

I put up only the barest of resistance as he laid me back on my pillow.

“You need to rest.” His body curved perfectly around mine. Insulating me. Shielding me from whatever sought to do me harm. “I’m right here. I’ll be right beside you whenever you’re ready. I’m not going anywhere.”

***

The rest of the night passed in a deep slumber. I couldn’t remember falling asleep or Caulder leaving my bed, but when I woke, sunlight was pouring in through the window, not doing nearly as good a job of warming me as he had.

I felt like a sloth. The sleep had done me good, but I needed about three more weeks of solid shut-eye before I’d be able to function like a human being again. A shower couldn’t hurt, but before I made it to the bathroom Cal and I shared, the smell of coffee had me turning for the stairs.

“Morning.”

“Oh . . . Good morning, honey. I . . . um . . . oh . . .” Mrs. Parks was bustling around the kitchen with her own cup of coffee, which she set on the counter to open a cabinet and proceeded to stare at with her hands on her hips only to spin around in search of her coffee again, which was now on the counter behind her.

If I’d had a couple more gallons of caffeine pumping through my system, it might have occurred to me to help her. But as it was, I looked on in amused fascination. I’d never seen her look so . . . flustered.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes. Of course. Why?” I could have sworn she sounded . . . nervous?

“No reason.” Easing behind her, I picked up her mug and held it out to her.

She sighed when she saw it. “Thank you.” A wry smile hinted on her lips. “I’m a bit of a mess this morning, aren’t I?”

I shrugged. “You haven’t finished your coffee yet.”

It was a good enough excuse for me.

“No, I suppose I haven’t. But I . . . To tell you the truth, I’m a little nervous about tonight. And a little excited.” The smile that had been playing on her face turned conspiratory and spread wide. “I haven’t been on a date in a long time.”

“You have a date?” I grabbed the pot and dumped it into an oversized mug. I was going to need fuel for this.

“Not so much a date,” she hedged, “as a work function. With a colleague—who happens to be a man. A very attractive man. That involves dinner and dressing up.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“Good. Because you’re coming, too.”

What?
“What?”

“You and Caulder, both. I have two extra tickets. It’s a charity gala for the hospital. They do it every year and it’s always quite the event.”

More caffeine. Drink faster. Scalding my tongue and throat on a large gulp, I stuttered through a mildly coherent response. “I . . . I don’t think I—”

“Please, Jade? I have absolutely nothing to wear and I need your help. We can go shopping together this afternoon. A girl’s day. Just you and me.”

“Whatever it is she wants from you, I suggest you just agree and get it over with.” Caulder breezed into the room, freshly showered and smelling like heaven. “She’s the most persistent human being on the face of the planet.”

“Really? I thought that was you.”

He grinned as he leaned around me to grab the coffee pot that was running dangerously low. “Where do you think I get it from? It’s really not worth arguing with her. Or me.”

Didn’t I know it.

Sighing, I shook my head and watched Caulder scowl as the last few drops of coffee plunked into his half full cup. “Alright.”

***

I stared at my reflection in the mirror and couldn’t help but laugh. The floor length fiery red gown covered in sequins with the thigh high slit was incredible, but it was definitely not me.

“Maybe not that one.” Mrs. Parks grinned at my reflection over my shoulder. “Can you bring us the blue one, please?”

A team of employees had been at our beck and call since we walked through the front door, providing everything from refreshments to pantyhose at the snap of a finger. I felt like I’d fallen into a movie.
Pretty Woman
maybe.

A tall, slim blonde appeared with a stunning sapphire blue dress draped over her arms and Mrs. Parks squeezed my shoulder in excitement. “Isn’t this fun? Don’t tell Cal, but you have no idea how badly I’ve always wanted a daughter to do these types of things with.”

It was an offhand statement that lodged in my mind like the lump deep in my throat. Prancing around dressing rooms, playing dress-up was never the type of thing I thought I’d enjoy, but seeing the first real spark of life in her eyes in months . . . I would have done it all day long.

The blue gown slipped over my head and fell smoothly in waves of silk to my ankles. The bottom layer was embellished with black roses. On top of that were two layers of shimmering blue silk that wrapped around from the back and met at my waist in the front. The halter design added an elegant touch. As did the rhinestones embedded in the halter strap wrapping around my neck and cutting a wide swath along the waist line. It was in one word:
Perfect
.

“Oh, Jade.” Mrs. Parks hand covered her mouth, but I could see the smile in her eyes. “You look stunning. This one. Definitely, this one. Do you agree?”

I wouldn’t have disagreed if she’d picked me a sack to wear, but the girlie part of me that had never once indulged in owning a fancy gown—not for prom, or a sweet sixteen, or any other occasion—wanted that dress more than anything in the world.

“Yes. Definitely.”

She had the gown packaged along with the classic LBD she’d chosen, and I refused to even consider what it meant that neither of them even had a price tag.

From there she dragged me to a spa across town. A
spa
. I couldn’t believe it.

Hot water sluiced over my forehead and down my neck. Strong fingers massaged my scalp, nails scraping along the sensitive skin and I groaned in pleasure. I’d never been to a salon like this before. I’d had my hair trimmed at the Quick Cuts at the mall a time or two, but nothing like this.

Scented candles burned throughout the parlor, filling the space with aromas of jasmine and sandalwood. Some kind of new age relaxation music filtered softly through speakers hidden amongst the endless plant life, making me feel like we were in the middle of the jungle rather than the middle of a high-end strip mall.

Beside me, Mrs. Parks laughed at a story her stylist was telling her and I shut my eyes. This moment felt too good to be true and I just wanted to hang on to it.

Another burst of hot water and the magical fingers were gone, replaced by a soft, fluffy towel being wrapped around my hair and squeezed.

“This way.”

Following behind the tall, slender woman with the fancy up-do that looked more like it belonged on a runway somewhere than hidden behind a black apron, I dropped into a leather spinning chair. Through the reflection in the mirror in front of me, I watched Mrs. Parks have her hair wrapped, chatting with the woman who did it. Beneath the lighted mirror, I noted the ten thousand different tools of the trade spread out on a long counter. Evidently, hair care took a lot more than a bottle of cheap shampoo and a brush.

“You really should trim your hair more often.” The stylist—Tina, according to the name tag pinned to her apron—ran her fingers through my hair, pausing to examine the ends. “We’re going to have to cut off several inches to remove all these split ends.”

I knew my hair was a limp, scraggly mess. A disgrace to a place like this. It was humiliating to have her examining it so closely, but it was the last she said on the matter. After agreeing to let her do whatever she felt was best, I let the stylist do her thing. Honestly, I didn’t care what she did. I’d always hated my hair and she was a professional. It wasn’t like she could possibly make it any worse.

Mrs. Parks settled into the seat beside me and I watched as her hair was cut and curled, not wanting to see my own until it was finished.

The entire spa was cordoned off into sections. Before entering the hair salon, we’d been directed to the nail station where I’d had acrylic nails applied, polished, and painted. They were gorgeous. A deep blue to match the dress with a single black rose on the ring finger of my left hand. But I was quickly coming to realize the price of such beauty. They got in the way. Of
everything
. I’d jammed them—which hurt more than I’d imagined—no less than twenty times in the last half hour. To avoid destroying them, I was going to have to relearn how to do everything from opening a door to holding a pen.