Playing at Love (22 page)

Don’t miss Ophelia London’s first full-length novel, ABBY ROAD, coming in March 2013 to online and print retailers everywhere!

Touted by the tabloids as the biggest rock star of our generation, Abigail Kelly is used to being in the spotlight. But beyond the glam of Hollywood, her world is falling apart. Still reeling from the death of her brother and wilting under the iron fist of Max, her manager, Abby banishes herself to the secluded beaches of Florida for the summer, thinking some anonymity and sunshine are just what she needs. What she finds instead is Todd, an ex-marine eager to embrace life after war. Together, Abby and Todd find the balance Abby’s life has been missing. 

 That is, until Max resurfaces, demanding that Abby return to Los Angeles to record her band’s newest album. As the pressures of public appearances, paparazzi, and late-night recordings start to mount, Abby will have to risk everything or lose the life she always dreamed of.

 Ophelia London’s ABBY ROAD is a love letter to music—both the kind you cherish and the kind you create—as well as a beautiful love story that proves even when everyone in the world can recognize your face, the only people who matter are those who can see inside your heart.

Read on for a sneak peek…

Prologue

How could there be no valet parking? This was Los Angeles.

After circling the building a second time, I finally found a space. Even though parallel parking was not my forte, I managed to snake in, then did that reverse-forward-reverse-forward trick about ten times, trying to straighten out. I glanced through the passenger side window, inspecting the population of the sidewalk. Hmm—busy, lots of businesspeople and shoppers dodging one another. Hopefully no tourists, though. My stomach felt queasy at the thought.

I sat back in my seat, closed my eyes, and breathed slowly.
In through the nose…out through the mouth… Repeat until pulse steadies…

If I were late to my appointment, I’d just tell Dr. Robert it was because I was practicing a relaxation technique. He knew agoraphobia wasn’t my current paranoia, however, so he probably wouldn’t buy it. So, after one more inhale, I adjusted my huge round sunglasses, took a last look through the window, then opened the car door.

I was careful not to slam it shut—no need to draw unnecessary attention. I walked around the car. And I was fine. I stepped onto the sidewalk. Still totally fine. Dr. Robert’s office building was only about fifty paces away. Dead ahead. If I looked down and walked fast, no one would—

“Abigail? Abigail Kelly?”

I froze in place. Bad idea; I should’ve kept moving. I turned toward the voice. It was a girl, maybe about sixteen years old. She was pointing at me with one hand while her other was clapped over her mouth. Probably stifling one of those ear-splitting teenage squeals.

“It is. It’s
you
!”

“Hi there,” I said, forcing my mouth to turn up into my “charming smile.” Before she’d even reached me, I was automatically ready to take whatever scrap of paper she handed over. It was a movie ticket stub this time. I glanced at the title, but I’d never heard of it. Occupational hazard of being on the road and out of the country for the past eleven months.

“What’s your name?” I asked, then scribbled my best wishes followed by my signature, including the trademark loopty-loop on the
Y
at the end.

By that time, three other girls—friends of girl number one, presumably—had joined us.

“Seriously. I just
love
you!” one of them said, beaming. “Your songs are, like, all my favorites.”

“You’re so much prettier in person,” declared another.

I was nodding and smiling and loopty-looping as fast as I could, keeping one eye on the building entrance a few yards away.

“Your hair,” girl number one said, “is so totally beautiful. How do you get it that blond and shiny?” Then she actually reached out and touched my head. I allowed it. Not that I was used to having total strangers pet me on street corners, but it was like I’d been nine months pregnant for the last five years, and everyone thought they were allowed to rub my belly.

“Yours is gorgeous.” I smiled. And it was true—it was the kind of red you can’t get out of a bottle. “Never change it,” I said, signing the last piece of paper. “Grow it long. You’ll rule the world. Trust me.”

The girls gathered in a buzzing huddle as I started to walk away. Not too petrifying that time. Four autographs, probably a couple of cell phone pictures. Nothing that was going to make tonight’s news. I clutched my purse strap over my shoulder and exhaled. Home free.

“Hey. Abigail.” It was a man’s voice this time. “C’mon, give us a big smile now.”

When I looked over my shoulder toward the voice, I didn’t find just one man, but three, all dressed in their typical LA daytime street garb: shorts, wrinkled T-shirts, ball caps on backward and cameras strapped around their necks.

Suddenly, they were one arm’s length away from me.

The paparazzi really had no sense of personal space. Looked like I’d picked the wrong day to run a simple errand alone, without Shugger, my bodyguard, or even Molly, my personal assistant. I wondered for a frightening second if I should call Max and have him send in the troops to pull me out; managers were very good at things like that. But I dismissed the idea—causing a scene might’ve been worse.

“Hi, guys.” I waved in what I hoped was a friendly manner, even though I was dying to turn and run. “I gotta go.” I pointed toward the building. “I have an appointment.”

“With the Psychiatrist of the Stars again?” one of them said, his snapping camera literally three inches from my face.

Really, I shouldn’t have been at all surprised that they knew, even though I’d only gone in to see Dr. Robert one other time—the rest of our sessions had been done over the phone, because I was out of the country. Not that they were doing much good, if you ask me. When I’d tried to convince him I was simply having a quarter-life-crisis, he didn’t believe me.

Maybe he was smarter than I’d thought.

“What do you talk about with him, Abigail?” another paparazzo asked.

I shook my head, playing mysterious, and backed away.

“Yeah, c’mon, you can tell us. It’ll be
our
little secret, right?” He snickered while moving his camera to a different angle.

Knowing this had already gone on for too long, I turned on my heel and started to walk off, ignoring the warning bells chiming in my head. But they followed me, saying things I tried to ignore. All the paparazzi were really after was a reaction—they wanted to snap a picture of you crying or yelling or adjusting your bra strap.

“Yo, Abby,” one of them called out, stepping in front of me right before the entrance. “How’s Christian these days? Huh?”

The question made my stomach drop to the floor and my throat feel like a long, slippery snake was choking off all oxygen. This was a low blow, even for them. But I did not react. Christian was my one button the paparazzi knew they could push—even though what happened to Christian was a year ago. That didn’t matter to them. In fact, they would sink as low as they had to, dig up the most painful part of your past, then twist it into something even uglier, just to get the response they wanted. But I refused to give it to them.

Instead, I swallowed hard and said nothing. When I tried to step around them, the photog in front blocked my way again.

“How does it feel, Abby? To know you killed your brother?”

I wasn’t sure when I realized that my forward motion had stopped. Half of my brain was screaming to remain calm—
do not react, Abby
—while the other half was painfully aware that the clicking sound of the cameras had suddenly tripled. There was no part of my brain that could give the command to retreat.

The next sound I heard was my own gasping. I felt tears on my cheeks when I pressed a hand over my mouth. Blood rushed to my head as I bent forward, my other hand braced on the front of my thigh. My eyelids were clenched so tightly that all I saw was black…

The next thing I was fully aware of was sitting on the small sofa in Dr. Robert’s office. He was staring from a wingback chair a few feet away while some hidden machine was playing sounds of the ocean, and there was a steaming cup of something minty-smelling on the table next to me. I looked down at my lap toward an area of acute pain. Both fists were white-knuckled—nails digging into my palms. When I swallowed, my throat felt uncharacteristically raw. I tried to think back, wondering if I’d really just broken down like that. In the middle of rush hour. For the whole world to see.

“Are you ready to talk about it?” Dr. Robert asked, clicking his pen. “About your brother?”

I took a breath and opened my mouth.

But then I closed it, sealing my lips together. No, I was still not ready to talk about it.

Dr. Robert crossed his legs. “All right, then.”

I reached over for my drink and took a sip, then another, staring down into the mug; the liquid inside looked like tiny tsunamis as my hands shook uncontrollably.

“Okay,” Dr. Robert said, lowering his notebook. “Let’s talk about something lighter for a while.” He tapped a finger to his chin. “When was the last time you felt happy?”

I chuckled darkly and rolled my eyes, about to explain to him that I hadn’t had one moment of joy since Christian died. But then I thought of something else and realized that wasn’t the truth.

“Three…three days ago,” I began, my voice sounding scratchy. “We were in Paris. The band was exhausted—it was our ninth show in nine nights. We were running on adrenaline.” I returned the cup to the table and looked toward the window past Dr. Robert’s head. “During the acoustic set, it was just Hal and me onstage. The song was slow—a love ballad from our first album. We were sitting on stools; Hal was on guitar and I was behind a standing mike. Toward the end of the song, I remember closing my eyes.” I closed my eyes now, reliving the memory. “I could actually feel the music pulse through my body, down to my toes, under my hair. I’ve never felt so…
alive
.” I sat forward, leaning toward Dr. Robert. “My voice, the band, all the instruments were blending perfectly that night; everything was clicking. As I sat under the spotlight, I felt the energy of fifty thousand friends singing along with me, singing their hearts out. That massive venue was suddenly intimate, like we were all in sync. I wondered if they knew we were experiencing something extraordinary.”

I pressed both hands over my heart. “Hal and I snuck a look at each other at the end. “We were both grinning like idiots. Right then, I knew I was doing exactly what I was meant to do, what I
love
to do, every day, every minute. I felt that in my bones. And I was
so
…” I broke off when my voice cracked. “I was so perfectly happy.”

I opened my eyes and looked at Dr. Robert, pleased that I’d done what he’d asked.

“And now?” he said. “How do you feel today?”

I felt my chest go instantly tight and my hands ball up as before.

One

“A Day in the Life”

“Yellow Submarine” was playing from my jeans. I knew who was calling by the ringtone, but I didn’t answer right away. It couldn’t be too important; we’d already spoken five times today.

By the second chorus, I moved to a corner of the bookstore and fished out my cell. “Hi, Molly,” I half whispered. “What’s happening on the home front?”

“Hold on, Abby. Just a tick.” Behind her voice, I heard traffic, the radio, and a single horn honking: Molly’s. “Bloody
move it
, Tiny Tim!”

I bit my lip in amused pity, imagining some poor waif on crutches trying to cross the street without being mowed down by the beautiful, impatient brunette in the convertible Mini Coop with the Union Jack paintjob. Despite the British accent, Molly’s creative potty mouth was legendarily dirty.

“Move your bloomin’
arse
!” She called this out, probably while stopped at a red light on Hollywood Boulevard, reminding me of Eliza Doolittle’s similar outburst.

The urge to crack up tickled my throat. I stifled it, stood on my toes, and reached for a biography about Janis Joplin on a top shelf. Sure, Molly could be abrasive, but I happened to find it hilarious. She knew her colorful Cockney swearing was known to make me laugh at highly inappropriate moments. She claimed that part of her job as my “personal assistant/best mate” was to treat me to ten belly laughs in each twenty-four-hour period, even on a day like today, when we were on two different sides of the country.

But that was “before.” These days, it took a lot to get me to laugh.

My life had changed since the shooting. It’d been a year, and there I was, chopped into bits, organized and separated like items on the dinner plate of a finicky eater. Nothing touching, no overlapping. Compartmentalized survival mode at its most dysfunctional. Dr. Robert would’ve been
so
proud…

“Anyhoo,” Molly finally said to me. “Where was I?”

“We hadn’t gotten past hello.” I replaced the Joplin book and grabbed one about Julie Andrews. Snow-capped mountains were on the cover. I liked that.

“Hello, Abby
, darling
.” Molly chimed, bright and sparkly, exactly the way I’d needed her the past five years. “Where are you now? Still at your sister’s place, yeah?”

“No. Pensacola. At a bookstore.” Hearing whispers on the other side of the bookshelf, I quickly moved to the end of the biography aisle, getting that hot-and-prickly feeling up the back of my neck. I couldn’t see anyone, but I knew I was being watched. I guess my cover was blown.

There was a beat, then Molly asked, “You’re out in public? And are you out-out,” she continued, using our code language, “or just out?”

“Just out,” I reported, adjusting the dark aviator sunglasses that covered practically half of my face. My long hair was pulled back, too, tucked inside a baseball cap. I tried, but I’d never been very creative at the whole “disguise” thing.

“You’re out in public,” Molly repeated. “On your own?”

“Doctor’s orders,” I singsonged. “He said if I took this trip to Florida alone, that I couldn’t just hide in Lindsey’s house all summer. He made me promise to get out among the people.”

“He’s a quack,” Molly muttered.

I nodded in private concurrence then dropped the Julie Andrews book in my shopping bag.

“It was the right decision, though, to stay away from LA,” I conceded aloud, knowing that Molly’s protective/venomous dislike of Dr. Robert was for my benefit.

“It
was
impulsive,” Molly admitted slowly. “Less than a week ago, you were onstage in Paris.”

“True.” I lowered my voice. “But for the past year, you know how everyone’s been saying I need support—the familial,
unconditional
kind.” I paused to roll my eyes, wondering if Molly would disagree with this diagnosis, as well. When she didn’t, I jumped back in. “I suppose they’re right. Or maybe I got tired of arguing. I don’t want to even think about…
it…
anyway.” I paused again, stuffing down the sick feeling that came every time I thought about Christian.

“I’ve only been here one day,” I continued, after quickly crossing from behind one bookshelf to another, “but Lindsey kept watching me with those big eyes, so I called her a bad word, grabbed her car keys, and started driving.”

“What word?” Molly asked, a wicked smile in her voice.

“You don’t want to know. But let’s just say I won’t be given any sister-of-the-year awards.”

When I heard another sound behind me, I glanced over my shoulder. But again, no one was there—only whispers from around the corner. I heard my name more than once.

I sighed.

“What’s wrong?” Molly asked.

“Cockroaches,” I answered. “The lights came on and everyone scattered.” Of course I should’ve been happy about it—that no one was pawing at me for a change. But for some reason, knowing that I was being watched was worse than being approached. Since my public meltdown on the street two days ago, I guess people were afraid to venture near.

“Start flapping your arms around, then,” Molly suggested. “And scream like a banshee. See what happens.”

“Nothing will happen. They’ll be too stunned to speak, or they’ll say, ‘Isn’t that
her
?
Didn’t she used to be that famous singer? Such a shame.’” I paused, staring blankly at the shelf in front of me, listening to the sounds of the bookstore: shoppers, clerks, background music. “An hour ago, the place was pretty much empty. Now it’s packed. I’m afraid to come out of the fortress of books I constructed in the back corner.”

“That bloody
stinks
, babe,” Molly said sympathetically. I smiled, but it hurt my face. Frowning felt more natural. Evidently my mood-altering happy pills weren’t doing their intended job. “But how clever of you. A whole book fortress? Aww, and the tabloids claim you’re a one-trick pony. Ha! One trick, indeed,” she muttered. “You should give an impromptu concert, right now, in the middle of the store. Rock their socks off.”

“Now there’s a thought,” I joked, positioning myself in front of a row of thick books with glossy black covers.

“Seriously, though,” Molly said after a moment, “do you want me to have Max send in some musclemen to pull you out of there? He has connections everywhere. Like the mob.”

“No!” I exclaimed, then dropped my voice. “You promised I would be manager-free this summer.” I slid the Hot-Vampire-Meets-Socially-Awkward-Teenager book back into its place on the shelf, then glanced down the aisle. “And it’s not like I’m being assaulted by psychos jumping out of corners, so why cause a scene?”

“I’m your biggest fan, Abigail Kelly,” Molly quoted in her best Kathy Bates stalker voice.

“I’ll leave soon,” I promised, mostly to myself. “I’m just not ready to go back to Lindsey’s yet. She’ll have questions that I don’t want to answer.”

There was a silent beat before Molly exhaled a noncommittal: “Yeah.”

I immediately felt the vibe of our conversation darken. I bit my lip, hating how disconnected and gray my life had become lately.

“So, Abby?” Molly said after another stretch of silence. “I called you for a reason this time, actually…b-because…” After some uncharacteristic stammering, her thoughts changed directions. “Well, anyway.” She exhaled. “I have to ask; you still taking your meds?”

My stomach dropped. I knew she was just doing her job, but I hated being treated like a mental patient.

“Yes, Molly,” I reported, busying myself with the growing stack of books in my bag. “Every morning,” I practically cheered. “Every morning for three hundred and sixty-three days—” The last word caught in my throat.

I had no idea why I tried to make a joke out of it. Reciting the exact number of days since Christian died was
not
totally hilarious. And suddenly, I couldn’t breathe—that year-old noose, that long, slippery snake was slithering up my throat, coiling around my insides, choking me until I couldn’t—

“Well!” Molly cut in brightly. “You’ll be happy to hear that the stalkerazzi are still round your house here. And you haven’t even been up in Malibu for, like, what? A year?” She scoffed. “So completely
stupid
.” I caught my breath, listening to her complain unintelligibly for a while, her slurry Eliza Doolittle lost on me again. Since Molly and I were practically joined at the hip, the paparazzi pissed
her
off as much as me.

“Any guys around?” she asked, veering us toward a more pleasant distraction subject. “Describe them, please. It’s high time you get a little action.”

I shook my head but played along. “There’s a tall gangster wannabe behind the computer games.” I reported this in a low voice, while leaning against the end of the bookshelf. “He’s holding his hand over half his face trying to make it look like he’s not totally ogling.” I whipped off my sunglasses and made a point of holding direct eye contact with the guy. His face went beet red before he backed up and disappeared.

“How ugly is he?” This was Molly’s first question about anybody. My reply to her was always the same.

“Butt,”
I answered. “Gold chains, wife beater, fedora. He looks like two-thousand-three’s Justin Timberlake puked on him.”

“Hot.”

When I moved my phone to the other ear and turned around, I noticed
him
, standing alone, right across the aisle at the end of Sports & Outdoors. I did a double take, which didn’t happen very often, because, except for the ones with wicked-tall blue hair or an exceptionally nice posterior, I hardly noticed the existence of guys anymore. Occupational hazard of living in LA where everyone was perfect, plastic, and beautiful.

But I did notice this guy. He was laughing out loud at whatever he was reading.

That’s what hooked my attention, the laugh. I wished it were contagious. Before I fully realized that we were staring at each other and that maybe I should’ve, I don’t know…smiled or something similarly human, he tucked the book into the crook of his arm and walked away.

“Listen.” Molly broke into my thoughts. “I’ll pay ya ten bucks to walk over and kiss him. Right now. Chop-chop.”

“What?” I gasped, feeling a little fluttery. “No way, Molly.” As I said this, I couldn’t help standing on my tiptoes to see where Laughing Guy had gone.

“Go on, then,” Molly continued. “March up, tear off his stupid fedora and gold chains, close your eyes, and think of England.”

That’s when I realized who she was talking about. “Oh. Har-har. Here I go. Alert the media.” It was a joke, but even back in the day when I was milking my celebrity for all it was worth, I would’ve never sauntered up to a stranger and attacked. After another quick glance around, I realized Laughing Guy had left my section of the store. I sighed, a bit disappointed.

“You’ve been out of the VIP scene for too long,” Molly said.

“He’s gone, anyway. So much for all men fainting into a heap at my feet.”

When I heard Molly’s chuckles turn to snorts, I started laughing, too. I absolutely adored her—she was as close to me as my sister, Lindsey. While running my fingers along the skinny spines of Dr. Seuss, I calculated how long it had been since Molly and I hit those VIP clubs on our rare nights off.

Not long enough
.

“The very idea of the club scene is exhausting, it’n it?” Molly said, continuing my thought. I answered this with one confirming chuckle. “At twenty-four,” she went on, “your partying days are over.”

I chuckled again, only bleaker. Another confirmation.

“So, what books have you collected so far?” she asked, probably realizing that my thoughts had strayed toward the dark again.

“Well…” I sat down on the long bench in front of the magazines, pulling from the tote bag my potential purchases one at a time. “A coffee table book about Maui,” I reported.

“For Hal?” Molly exhaled one humorless laugh. “At least it will give him something to read besides
Rolling Stone
or…
Lead Guitarists’ Worst Hair Weekly
.” I could almost hear the roll of her eyes. Then she beeped her horn at something—probably a mother pushing a baby in a stroller. “He’s been tweeting every few minutes,” she continued. “The boy needs a hobby. It doesn’t sound like the band is up to anything useful this summer.”

With one finger, I traced the line of breaking waves on the cover of the Maui book. “The guys are never productive when I’m not around,” I mumbled. Then I bit my lip, considering something else. “Molly.” I looked up. “What if fans lose interest because we’re taking the summer off? What if we never sell another record again? That kind of thing’s happened before. I’ve seen those shows on VH1.” I clutched my phone, allowing myself two seconds to imagine the consequences. Then I sprang to my feet. “I need to come home. Today. Right now. Can you get me on the next flight?”

“Abby?
Abby
!”

In a panic, I swung to grab my purse, nearly knocking over my shopping bag of books.

“Abby? Listen to me. Abby—
stop
!”

Molly’s voice had that stern tone she saved for emergencies. Hearing it grounded me in place and I didn’t dare move.

“You deserve this vacation, okay?” she said, speaking much calmer. “We all do.” I exhaled, but my heart was still pounding in my chest. “And don’t worry about the lads; it’s not your fault they bought that gigantic mansion up in the hills. Your fans aren’t going anywhere, either. They can’t wait to buy the next record, okay?” I nodded, blinking back sudden tears. “Are you all right, then?” she asked. “Abby?”

“Can’t you hear me nodding?”

Molly laughed approvingly. I wouldn’t have survived this without her. She held me together, above and beyond her job description.

“Dr. Robert said this summer needs to be about me,” I said in a small voice. “Like a test to see how I survive without a crew of people telling me what to do and where to go and what to wear.” When I took in a deep inhale, my lungs shook. “So far…I’m failing.”

“Give it time, sweetie,” Molly soothed. “Collect your things, yeah? It’s time to leave the store.” I nodded once more then obeyed her gentle command. “Leave the magazine area. Do that straightaway, okay?”