Playing Well With Others (8 page)

Treat people how they wish to be treated.

The Golden Rule (aka the Ethics of Reciprocity) seems like a no-brainer, a default rule that we are all taught from childhood. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” or some variation thereof, is a maxim that crosses cultural, religious and national boundaries. In our communities. this rule can occasionally become a bit muddier. Some people see behaviors like holding open a door or referring to someone as “Sir” or “Ma’am” a basic courtesy, while others may consider such behaviors to be part of a power dynamic. Some people wish to be addressed with fancy formal titles, for others a first name suffices.

If in doubt, start by being civil, pleasant, and nice overall. Holding a door for someone, or saying thank you for someone who held a door for you, is lovely. However, do not automatically take polite behaviors as indications of deeper interests and desires. Respecting that others may not follow your paradigm will ease your process of discovering and growing within the various communities. Respect your own boundaries and values, and those of others, and remember that how we wish to be treated may not mirror the desires of others.

Respecting someone does not mean liking someone.

You can respect an individual’s skills, advice, ideas, experience, station (i.e. dungeon monitor), and still personally opine that they are, to put it politely, a flaming douchebag. There will be people with skills and talent you respect, but who do not share your personal, spiritual or ethical beliefs. That does not shove them out of the running for being treated with basic courtesy. Neither should courtesy or respect be mistaken for service or submission. Just because someone is nice to you doesn’t mean they want to fuck you. And just because you don’t like someone doesn’t mean you ought to treat them with disrespect.

In
Chapter 7
, we will dig a little deeper to explore some terrific and some troubling behaviors that you should be aware of as you venture into the community.

Respecting the space.

Every space you enter is someone’s home, or somewhere they have spent many hours (or years) helping create. Their effort should be respected:

• Read the event waivers and rules.
  If you are going into a space, find out what the rules are, and, if asked to sign anything, read it first.
  

• Follow the rules.
  Rules are there for a reason. If you are uncertain of what a rule means, or why it is there, ask questions outside of the play space/dungeon for clarification. They may be due to regional laws, discomfort around certain types of play, or past incidents.
  

• Explore the culture and “unspoken rules”
  There may be specific protocols or behaviors expected in a space, and it may not have occurred to hosts to write them down. People may be perceived as rude if they do not know the unspoken rules and culture. If possible, find someone familiar with the environment to help clue you in. Party hosts and event sponsors would be well advised to help folks respect the space by communicating as much as possible as clearly as possible.
  

• Clean up.
  Clean up after your scenes, after your food, after yourself in general. Strive to leave the space improved over when you first found it. This makes you an awesome guest, and likely to be invited back.
  

• “Well, they didn’t SAY I couldn’t!”
  Co nsider asking if it is OK — asking permission is a better policy than begging for forgiveness. Sure, the hosts might not have listed that activity as a “no-no,” but only because it hadn’t occurred to them to indicate that unleashing a swarm of bees in a crowded dungeon was not cool.
  

• Find out what you can do to help.
  It might be nice to bring food to share, to volunteer to help with setup or clean-up (party hosts love this!), and to acknowledge the hard work put into the event by sending a thank-you note afterward.
  

Beyond the dungeon: Respecting people outside the community.

Respect must extend to people outside of our community with whom we will inevitably intersect. This includes our coworkers, family, friends, hotel staff, government officials, other folks at a restaurant, and even total strangers. As we discover our bliss, it is important to remember, as we are living in the default world, that we respect the choices and lifestyle of non-kinky folks.

• “Vanilla” bashing.
  “Vanilla” is a term used within the kink community to refer to individuals not participating in kink, who do not identify as kinky, or who don’t understand or like kink. It has taken on a rather pejorative flavor, and is often used to denigrate people who don’t choose, or aren’t aware of our communities. If we bash others, we invite reciprocal intolerance. Kinky sex is only better sex if you like kinky sex. Kinky sex is not “better” or “more enlightened” — and anyway, you have no idea what is actually happening in the bedroom of yonder random “vanilla” person.
  

  Bashing anyone is bad because bigotry sucks. So does being condescending or trying to seem superior. Tut-tutting over the “poor vanillas” who are missing out on the awesomeness of kinky sex is like capping on a lesbian because they “just haven’t found the right man.” Vanilla, as a spice, is expensive, complex and fulfilling, and those who live that life are worthy of respect.
  

• Avoid slamming the kinks of others.
  Making rude, derogatory or insulting statements about weird leather folks, crazy swingers, messed-up mas-ochists, wacky vampires, polyamorous dorks, M/S freaks, creepy furries, etc., doesn’t help anyone. Someone out there probably thinks your kink is pretty weird, wacky or wrong. Try to avoid antagonistic, judgmental and abusive speech.
  

• Clean up after yourself.
  Hotel staff did not consent to a viewing of all your slippery dildos, and your party hosts aren’t going to be thrilled to pick up your body-fluid-soaked paper towels, used condoms and assorted trash. If you are at a convention event at a hotel, put your toys away before the staff come to clean. If you leave a big mess, leave a big tip. If you’re at a private party, help out by picking up.
  

• Be street-appropriate, not just street-legal.
  Many events have guidelines for attendees along the lines of “Please be street-legal in public spaces” on their information sheets. They often mean street-appropriate, especially in hallways, elevators, arriving at the event, etc. Grandpa and the grandkids did not need to see you in a G-string (even if it has a matching bra), or the t-shirt in questionable taste (“A Woman’s Place Is On Her Knees”), even if these are, technically, street-legal. Think about what is “street appropriate” in the city you are in; the answer may be different in San Francisco than in San Antonio. You are representing a larger community, and drawing negative attention isn’t the best way to ensure that we will be welcomed into these spaces in the future.
  

Years back, I met and became lovers with a guy who I assumed was “vanilla” and who self-identified that way. He did so defensively, having had several friends who were in the kink community and who teased him for not being as sexually adventurous as they were. He was tired of that air of superiority and stoically maintained that they had no knowledge of or business judging what he did behind closed doors as less “evolved” sex. I found it fascinating that this supposedly “vanilla” guy easily engaged in rough sex, and in role-play fantasies that involved rape and incest, and generally had a very 1950s era household sensibility. When I gently questioned his referring to himself as “vanilla” when he engaged in such kinky activities with so much abandon, he shrugged. “That’s just the way I am. Ain’t nothing kinky about that,” he drawled. And who was I to disagree? We enjoyed several years of “vanilla” perversion, privately, and with lurid abandon.

• Keep the answers appropriate to the persons asking the questions.
  When interacting with the default world, you will run into people who are genuinely curious about what the hell you’re up to in your shiny catsuit carrying five big bags. If the folks in the elevator ask why you are dressed in a gimp suit, consider an answer such as “a private costume party” as compared to “a kinky sex party.” Shocking answers do not always make friends, and those people didn’t consent to hear your scene report. Some folks really are curious, and some kinksters really do wish to serve as ambassadors. It is helpful to brainstorm a few responses in advance (and see
  Chapters 4
  and 11 for ideas on how to explain this stuff in friendly terminology), and adjust your responses to the receptivity and curiosity of the person asking.
  

Remember, you are an ambassador for our community. Represent yourself, and our community, with respect for the world around us.

Personal Responsibility

Your experience comes down to you. Yes, you will have loving partners who will journey with you, and yes, you will have friends who will watch your back. But at the end of the day, it is up to you to speak for your needs, wants and desires, as well as to keep an eye out for your best interests.

Sometimes, coming into new communities can feel like a “reset” button has been pushed. Everything’s brand new and scary; you’re back in junior high on the first day of school. And while it may be new, you are still coming to this experience as an adult, and you can (and should) bring your adult self and experiences along with you on your journey.

If someone oversteps a boundary of yours, express this, advise them, and make sure they’re aware of the conflict. If nothing is said, nothing can be addressed. It can be difficult to take responsibility for expressing an issue or conflict, but in the long run no one is served by your unwillingness to speak up. Air your grievances with compassion and respect for yourself, for your boundaries, and for the humanity (and fallibility) of others. This approach can go a long way towards mitigating difficulties and resolving conflict.

Check Your Assumptions

As humans, we make assumptions. Some are helpful: assuming that stepping off a tall building will result in death is an excellent way to avoid deceleration trauma. Some are safe enough: we assume what temperature it is outside based on what it looks like from inside. Some are trickier: we assume someone’s taste in music, their economic status, their age or their gender identity, based on the clothes they wear. And some are troubling: we assume the person walking behind us is a threat based on their skin color.

Assumptions get us into trouble, all the time. People, being people, carry this assumptive tendency with them as they become part of our communities. The following are some common assumptions that folks may have when learning about kink, and we’d like to take a look and maybe debunk a few of them along the way.

“Everyone is just like me!”

INDEED, NOT.

There is a vast spectrum of genders, orientations, economic classes, politics, body types, abilities, mental/emotional capacity, religions, beliefs, ages, ethnic backgrounds, relationship structures, behaviors, philosophies, careers, interests, hobbies, erotic desires, internal identities, external identities and levels of experience in the community. You really cannot assume anything about anyone based solely on their physical appearance or presentation.

“Age equals experience”

NOPE.

There are folks who are under twenty who are experts at their craft, and people in their eighties who are just trying out kink for the first time. The number of years that someone has been involved in in the community is also a flawed indicator of experience. Someone who has been in the scene for one year but been going to parties and classes four times a week can possess more cumulative experience than someone who has been in the scene for ten years but who only plays once a year.

“Big toybags and hot outfits equal experience”

NAY, WE SAY.

A toybag (the container full of tools and toys to use in a kink encounter/ scene) has no bearing on experience. That top may have bought those six gorgeous whips and floggers last week. That slave in full Gorean chains and regalia may have just opened a UPS package and declared themselves fully trained. And the low-key player with neither elaborate toys nor extensive fetish wardrobe may be a well-respected pillar of the community. Get to know people, ask around, observe, and keep an open mind.