Plays Unpleasant (27 page)

CRAVEN
. This is most infernally perplexing. I cant believe that you insulted Julia, Charteris. Ive no doubt you annoyed her: youd annoy anybody: upon my soul you would; but insult! now what do you mean by that?

PARAMORE
[
very earnestly
] Miss Craven: in all delicacy and sincerity I ask you to be frank with me. What are the relations between you and Charteris?

JULIA
[
enigmatically
] Ask him. [
She goes to the fireplace, turning her back on them
].

CHARTERIS
. Certainly: I'll confess. I'm in love with Miss Craven. Ive persecuted her with my addresses ever since I knew her. It's been no use: she utterly despises me. A moment ago the spectacle of a rival's happiness stung me to make a nasty sneering speech; and she – well, she just shook me a little, as you saw.

PARAMORE
[
chivalrously
] I shall never forget that you helped me to win her, Charteris. [
Julia turns quickly, a spasm of fury in her face
].

CHARTERIS
. Sh! For Heaven's sake dont mention it.

CRAVEN
. This is a very different story to the one you told Cuthbertson and myself this morning. Youll excuse my saying that it sounds much more like the truth. Come! you were humbugging us, werent you?

CHARTERIS
[
enigmatically
] Ask Julia.

Paramore and Craven turn to Julia. Charteris remains doggedly looking straight before him
.

JULIA
. It's quite true. He has been in love with me; he has persecuted me; and I utterly despise him.

CRAVEN
. Dont rub it in, Julia: it's not kind. No man is quite himself when he's crossed in love. [
To Charteris
] Now listen to me, Charteris. When I was a young fellow, Cuth-bertson and I fell in love with the same woman. She preferred Cuthbertson. I was taken aback: I wont deny it. But I knew my duty; and I did it. I gave her up, and wished Cuthbertson joy. He told me this morning, when we met after many years, that he has respected and liked me ever since for it. And I believe him, and feel the better for it. [
Impressively
] Now, Charteris: Paramore and you stand today where Cuthbertson and I stood on a certain July evening thirty-five years ago. How are you going to take it?

JULIA
[
indignantly
] How is he going to take it, indeed! Really, papa, this is too much. If Mrs Cuthbertson wouldnt have you, it may have been very noble of you to make a virtue of giving her up, just as you made a virtue of being a teetotaller when Percy cut off your wine. But he shant be virtuous over me. I have refused him; and if he doesnt like it he can – he can –

CHARTERIS
. I can lump it. Precisely. Craven: you can depend on me. I'll lump it. [
He moves off nonchalantly, and leans against the bookcase with his hands in his pockets
].

CRAVEN
[
hurt
] Julia: you dont treat me respectfully. I dont wish to complain; but that was not a becoming speech.

JULIA
[
bursting into tears, and throwing herself into the easy chair
] Is there any one in the world who has any feeling for me? who does not think me utterly vile?

Craven and Paramore hurry to her in the greatest consternation
.

CRAVEN
[
remorsefully
] My pet: I didnt for a moment mean –

JULIA
. Must I stand to be bargained for by two men –
passed from one to the other like a slave in the market, and not say a word in my own defence?

CRAVEN
. But, my love –

JULIA
. Oh, go away, all of you. Leave me. I – oh – [
she gives way to a passion of tears
].

PARAMORE
[
reproachfully to Craven
] Youve wounded her cruelly, Colonel Craven. Cruelly.

CRAVEN
. But I didnt mean to: I said nothing. Charteris: was I harsh?

CHARTERIS
. You forget the revolt of the daughters, Craven. And you certainly wouldnt have gone on like that to any grown-up woman who was not your daughter.

CRAVEN
. Do you mean to say that I am expected to treat my daughter the same as I would any other girl?

PARAMORE
. I should say certainly, Colonel Craven.

CRAVEN
. Well, dash me if I will. There!

PARAMORE
. If you take that tone, I have nothing more to say. [
He crosses the room with offended dignity, and posts himself with his back to the bookcase beside Charteris
].

JULIA
[
with a sob
] Daddy.

CRAVEN
[
turning solicitously to her
] Yes, my love.

JULIA
[
looking up at him tearfully, and kissing his hand
] Dont mind them. You didnt mean it, Daddy, did you?

CRAVEN
. No, no, my precious. Come: dont cry.

PARAMORE
[
to Charteris, looking at Julia with delight
] How beautiful she is!

CHARTERIS
[
throwing up his hands
] Oh, Lord help you, Paramore! [
He leaves the bookcase, and sits at the end of the couch farthest from the fire], Sylvia arrives
.

SYLVIA
[
contemplating Julia
] Crying again! Well you are a womanly one!

CRAVEN
. Dont worry your sister, Sylvia. You know she cant bear it.

SYLVIA
. I speak for her good, Dad. All the world cant be expected to know that she's the family baby.

JULIA
. You will get your ears boxed presently, Silly.

CRAVEN
. Now! now! now! my dear children, really now! Come, Julia: put up your handkerchief before Mrs Tran-field sees you. She's coming along with Jo.

JULIA
[
rising
] That woman again!

SYLVIA
. Another row! Go it, Julia!

CRAVEN
. Hold your tongue, Sylvia. [
He turns commandingly to Julia
]. Now look here, Julia.

CHARTERIS
. Hello! A revolt of the fathers!

CRAVEN
. Silence, Charteris. [
To Julia, unanswerably
] The test of a man's or woman's breeding is how they behave in a quarrel. Anybody can behave well when things are going smoothly. Now you said today, at that iniquitous club, that you were not a womanly woman. Very well: I dont mind. But if you are not going to behave like a lady when Mrs Tranfield comes into this room, youve got to behave like a gentleman; or fond as I am of you, I'll cut you dead exactly as I would if you were my son.

PARAMORE
[
remonstrating
] Colonel Craven–

CRAVEN
[
cutting him short
] Dont be a fool, Paramore.

JULIA
[
tearfully excusing herself
] I'm sure, Daddy –

CRAVEN
. Stop snivelling. I'm not speaking as your Daddy now: I'm speaking as your commanding officer.

SYLVIA
. Good old Victoria Cross! [
Craven turns sharply on her; and she darts away behind Charteris, and presently seats herself on the couch, so that she and Charteris are shoulder to shoulder, facing opposite ways
].

Cuthbertson arrives with Grace, who remains near the door whilst her father joins the others
.

CRAVEN
. Ah, Jo, here you are. Now, Paramore: tell em the news.

PARAMORE
. Mrs Tranfield: Cuthbertson: allow me to introduce you to my future wife.

CUTHBERTSON
[
coming forward to shake hands with Paramore
] My heartiest congratulations! Miss Craven: you will accept Grace's congratulations as well as mine, I hope.

CRAVEN
. She will, Jo. [
Peremptorily
] Now, Julia.
Julia slowly rises
.

CUTHBERTSON
. Now, Grace. [
He conducts her to Julia's right, then posts himself on the heathrug, with his back to the fire, watching them, whilst the Colonel keeps guard on the other side
].

GRACE
[
speaking in a low voice to Julia alone
] So you have shewn him that you can do without him! Now I take back everything I said. Will you shake hands with me? [
Julia gives her hand painfully, with her face averted
]. They think this a happy ending, Julia, these men: our lords and masters!
The two stand silent hand in hand
.

SYLVIA
[
leaning back across the couch, aside to Charteris
] Has she really chucked you? [
He nods assent. She looks at him dubiously, and adds
] I expect you chucked her.

CUTHBERTSON
. And now, Paramore, mind you dont stand any chaff from Charteris about this. He's in the same predicament himself. He's engaged to Grace.

JULIA
[
dropping Grace's hand, and speaking with breathless anguish, but not violently
] Again!

CHARTERIS
[
rising hastily
] Dont be alarmed. It's all off.

SYLVIA
[
rising indignantly
] What! Youve chucked Grace too! What a shame! [
She goes to the other side of the room, fuming
].

CHARTERIS
[
following her, and putting his hand soothingly on her shoulder
] She wont have me, old chap. That is [
turning to the others
] unless Mrs Tranfield has changed her mind again.

GRACE
. No: we shall remain very good friends, I hope; but nothing would induce me to marry you. [
She takes the easy chair at the fireplace, and sits down with perfect composure
].

JULIA
. Ah! [
She sits down on the couch with a great sigh of relief
].

SYLVIA
[
consoling Charteris
] Poor old Leonard!

CHARTERIS
. Yes: this is the doom of the philanderer. I shall have to go on philandering now all my life. No domesticity, no firesides, no little ones, nothing at all in
Cuthbertson's line! Nobody will marry me – unless you, Sylvia: eh?

SYLVIA
. Not if I know it, Charteris.

CHARTERIS
[
to them all
] You see!

CRAVEN
[
coming between Charteris and Sylvia
] Now you really shouldnt make a jest of these things: upon my life and soul you shouldnt, Charteris.

CUTHBERTSON
[
on the hearthrug
] The only use he can find for sacred things is to make a jest of them. Thats the New Order. Thank Heaven, we belong to the Old Order, Dan!

CHARTERIS
. Cuthbertson: dont be symbolic.

CUTHBERTSON
[
outraged
] Symbolic! That is an accusation of Ibsenism. What do you mean?

CHARTERIS
. Symbolic of the Old Order. Dont persuade yourself that you represent the Old Order. There never was any Old Order.

CRAVEN
. There I flatly contradict you, and stand up for Jo. I'd no more have behaved as you do when I was a young man than I'd have cheated at cards. I belong to the Old Order.

CHARTERIS
. Youre getting old, Craven; and you want to make a merit of it, as usual.

CRAVEN
. Come now, Charteris: youre not offended, I hope. [
With a conciliatory outburst
] Well, perhaps I shouldnt have said that about cheating at cards. I withdraw it [
offering his hand
].

CHARTERIS
[
taking Craven's hand
] No offence, my dear Craven: none in the world. I didnt mean to shew any temper. But [
aside, after looking round to see whether the others are listening
] only just consider! the spectacle of a rival's happiness! the –

CRAVEN
[
aloud, decisively
] Charteris: now youve got to behave like a man. Your duty's plain before you. [
To Cuthbertson
] Am I right, Jo?

CUTHBERTSON
[
firmly
] You are, Dan.

CRAVEN
[
to Charteris
] Go straight up and congratulate Julia. And do it like a gentleman, smiling.

CHARTERIS
. Colonel: I will. Not a quiver shall betray the conflict within.

CRAVEN
. Julia: Charteris has not congratulated you yet. He's coming to do it.

Julia rises, and fixes a dangerous look on Charteris
.

SYLVIA
[
whispering quickly behind Charteris as he is about to advance
] Take care. She's going to hit you. I know her.

Charteris stops and looks cautiously at Julia, measuring the situation. They regard one another steadfastly for a moment. Grace softly rises and gets close to Julia
.

CHARTERIS
[
whispering over his shoulder to Sylvia
] I'll chance it. [
He walks confidently up to Julia
], Julia? [
He proffers his hand
].

JULIA
[
exhausted, allowing herself to take it
] You are right. I am a worthless woman.

CHARTERIS
[
triumphant, and gaily remonstrating
] Oh, Why?

JULIA
. Because I am not brave enough to kill you.

GRACE
[
taking her in her arms as she sinks, almost fainting, away from him
] Oh no. Never make a hero of a philanderer.

Charteris, amused and untouched, shakes his head laughingly
.