Please Don't Take My Baby (14 page)

‘She’s a good size,’ Jill said, as we gazed at Courtney. ‘And she’s feeding and sleeping well?’

‘Yes. Very well. She’s in a four-hourly routine.’

‘Excellent.’ Jill made a few restrained cooing noises with some oohs and aahs, and then we crept out. ‘I need to speak to you before we go down,’ Jill said once we were out of the room.

I stopped where we were on the landing and looked at Jill, slightly anxious.

‘It’s nothing to worry about,’ Jill said. ‘Rachel phoned and confirmed what I’d been thinking: that it could take months before a mother-and-baby placement is free in this area. Apparently, on her last visit Rachel explained this to Jade and Jade said she was happy to stay with you for now, but I need to know you’re happy with that arrangement too. We said at the start it would just be for a few weeks and now it’s looking more like months.’

‘Yes, that’s all right with me,’ I said. ‘I just worry that I am not doing everything I’m supposed to. I haven’t had the training that the mother-and-baby carers have.’

‘You’re doing a good job,’ Jill said. ‘Rachel hasn’t got any issues and the fact that Jade is happy to stay here says it all.’

‘That’s fine with me, then,’ I said. ‘I’m pleased I can help.’

‘The other thing Rachel has asked me to check,’ Jill continued, ‘is that you are keeping detailed notes with a view to contributing to Jade’s parenting assessment.’

‘I’m keeping my log notes up to date,’ I said, ‘as I usually do.’

‘Good, but make sure you include details of Jade’s parenting skills and her ability to bond with Courtney. You know the sort of thing: how quickly Jade answers her baby’s cries, if she is meeting her needs, and how she interacts with Courtney through play, etc. You’re with her every day, so your report will form a crucial part of the social services’ assessment – to decide if Jade is able to look after Courtney or if she should be adopted.’ Which I really didn’t want to hear.

Jill saw my face grow serious. ‘Don’t worry. The mother-and-baby carers are often asked to contribute to the assessment,’ she added. ‘Just write down objectively what you see.’

I nodded and we continued downstairs but my heart was heavy. Although the foster-carer’s notes are often included by the social worker in assessments this was different. Usually my contribution was in connection with the progress the child was making but now it seemed I would be contributing to the decision on whether Jade kept or lost her baby.

Later, after Jill had gone and Courtney had had her lunchtime feed, I persuaded Jade we should go for a walk and Jade suggested the local shops, as she wanted to buy a chocolate bar and also a new mascara. When we arrived at the small parade of shops she said she didn’t have any money, so I gave her a £10 note and then waited outside the shops with Courtney in her pram while Jade went first to the newsagent and then to the chemist. As I waited it occurred to me that although I was giving Jade her allowance and I also bought nappies, formula and anything else she or Courtney needed as part of my weekly shop, Jade never seemed to have any money. Her mobile was included in her mother’s account, so I wondered what she had been spending her money on and how she’d been spending it for since returning from hospital she hadn’t been out until today. A couple of times she’d asked Adrian to buy her sweets on the way home from school and then didn’t have the money to pay him, so I’d reimbursed him. I’d remarked casually to Jade, ‘I don’t know what you’re doing with your money,’ but she hadn’t replied and I hadn’t pursued it.

However, that evening the mystery was solved and I wasn’t pleased by what I discovered. As usual Tyler was with us and had stayed for dinner; he’d fed and changed Courtney by himself and then I’d shown him how to settle her on her side in the cot. By 8.30 Jade and he were watching television in the sitting room, Adrian was in his bedroom finishing some homework and I’d just closed Paula’s bedroom door, having checked she was asleep. I went downstairs to find Tyler watching television alone.

‘Where’s Jade?’ I asked, for she hadn’t come upstairs.

‘Outside, having a fag,’ Tyler said.

‘What? I didn’t know she was smoking. Where did she get the cigarettes from? You don’t smoke, do you?’

‘Na. I don’t smoke. It’s a fool’s game,’ Tyler said, frowning. ‘But I have to get the fags for Jade or she moans like hell. Tell her to stop smoking, will you, Cath? I’ve tried but she doesn’t listen to me. It’s bad for her and if the social worker finds her smoking around the baby she’ll have a fit.’

‘Jade certainly won’t be smoking anywhere near the baby while she’s with me,’ I said forcefully. ‘And I’m not having her smoking outside either. I suppose she’s been popping outside for a fag whenever I’ve gone out. I’ll speak to her. You’re very sensible, Tyler. She should listen to you.’

Tyler beamed as though it was the first time he’d ever received a compliment and even looked a little embarrassed, but credit where credit’s due – he was sensible.

I didn’t wait for Jade to finish her fag and come in. I went through the kitchen and out of the back door, where I found her standing on the patio in the dark and cold, puffing on the last of a cigarette while talking on her mobile. Seeing me, she immediately dropped the cigarette and ground it out with her foot while finishing the call with a quick: ‘Gotta go. Speak later.’

‘I’m coming in now,’ she said, going past me and towards the back door.

‘Good. We need to talk.’ I followed her in.

I heard her groan. I closed the back door as she marched through to the sitting room, where I heard her say: ‘You’d better go, Ty. She’s in a bad mood.’

I went into the sitting room. ‘Don’t be rude, Jade, please,’ I said. ‘And I think Tyler should stay while I talk to you.’

Tyler was holding the remote to the television and pressed the key to silence it. ‘Listen to her,’ he said, turning to Jade. ‘She’s only saying what I’ve said. You need to stop smoking and drinking. If the social services find out they’ll take Courtney. And I’ve told you if you smoke around our baby it’s bad for her. I’ve seen the warnings on the telly.’

‘I don’t smoke near our baby,’ Jade said angrily. ‘I always go outside.’

‘And leave the baby in the house alone?’ Tyler said, making a good point. ‘Jade,’ he continued, doing well without my input, ‘I’ve started studying. I’ve decided I’m going to take my GCSEs in the summer. I want to get a job so I can support you and our baby. I’m doing this for us, so we stand a chance of being together, as a family, and you’re not helping by smoking and drinking.’ I was really touched by his sincerity.

‘I’m not drinking!’ Jade said, defiantly. Then she looked away and lowered her voice. ‘But I need something,’ she said plaintively. ‘I’ve been stuck in this house for over two weeks and it’s doing my head in. If I can’t drink or smoke or go out what can I do? I have to enjoy myself sometimes.’ She flopped on to the sofa next to Tyler. Jade had gone from being angry to upset and I could see she was close to tears.

‘Jade, love,’ I said, perching on the chair closest to the sofa. ‘Don’t upset yourself. Tyler and I only want what’s best for you and Courtney. Smoking is taking all your money and is bad for your and Courtney’s health. I appreciate you have been going outside to smoke here, but if you were in a flat on your own you couldn’t leave her and go outside, could you? You’d open a window or smoke in the flat, and that’s what your social worker will think.’

Jade shrugged.

‘I understand being a mum has meant a lot of changes for you,’ I continued. ‘It’s hard work, you’re exhausted and your hormones are all over the place right now. I also appreciate you haven’t been out much, so I have an idea: no more smoking and I’ll babysit on Saturday afternoon so that you and Tyler can go out for a while – just the two of you.’

‘I play football on a Saturday afternoon,’ Tyler said.

I was about to suggest Sunday instead when Jade said quickly: ‘It’s OK. I can go out with me mates on Saturday.’ I hesitated. ‘Shopping or to the cinema,’ she added.

While this wasn’t what I’d intended – I’d thought it would be nice if Tyler and she went out together – I recognized Jade needed a break. I looked at Tyler.

‘I guess that’s only fair,’ he said. ‘I mean, I’m out with my mates, so she should go with hers.’

I thought if the outing were confined to the afternoon there would be less room for trouble. ‘All right, then,’ I said. ‘Saturday afternoon. I suggest you go out after you’ve given Jade her lunchtime feed and I’ll expect you back by six o’clock. Is that all right?’

‘Yeah,’ Jade said, perking up. ‘And I promise I won’t go outside any more to smoke.’

‘Good girl,’ I said. ‘And Tyler.’ I now looked at him. ‘I want you to promise you won’t buy Jade any more cigarettes, even if she asks you to.’

‘Sure,’ he said. ‘I never wanted to in the first place.’

‘Excellent.’ And I congratulated myself on handling the situation rather well.

That evening I tortured myself over what I should write in my log notes in respect of Jade’s smoking. To make no reference to it at all would be a lie but to include it seemed like a betrayal and a minus point marked against her behaviour. I sat for some time with my pen hovering over the page and then closed my fostering folder and decided to finish the entry in the morning.

However, the following morning I was none the wiser, so once I’d taken Paula to school and Jade was occupied with Courtney I telephoned Jill, my trusted advisor, and explained my dilemma.

‘Simply write objectively what happened,’ Jill said. ‘Put: “At 8.30 I found Jade smoking on the patio without my knowledge. Tyler, her partner, and I explained the dangers of smoking and she has promised to stop.”’

‘Thank you,’ I said, feeling daft that I’d needed to ask a question that had such a simple solution, but then that’s what support social workers are for – to help and advise when necessary.

‘You’re welcome,’ Jill said. ‘Let’s hope Jade keeps her promise and stops smoking.’

‘I’m sure she will.’

The health visitor came on Friday as arranged and, having weighed and measured Courtney, asked us about her feeding and sleeping routine. I let Jade do most of the talking and only added what Jade had forgotten to mention. The health visitor was pleased with Courtney’s progress and told Jade she was doing a good job. She recorded Courtney’s weight and length in the ‘red book’ which she gave to Jade, explaining she should keep this book safe and take it with her to the clinic each week when she had Courtney weighed and measured. These details, together with the dates of Courtney’s vaccinations when she began the programme, and the results of developmental tests done at the clinic, would be recorded in the book.

After the health visitor had gone and we’d had lunch, and Courtney was fed and changed, I helped Jade fill in the forms Rachel had left that would allow her to claim the benefit to which she was entitled; it took over an hour. After that it was soon time to collect Paula from school. I suggested to Jade that she might like to come with me, as it would be a breath of fresh air for her and Courtney, but she didn’t want to join me. It wasn’t an issue, it was her decision, but I’m ashamed to say that when I returned I checked the patio for any sign of cigarette butts. Thankfully it was clear: Jade had kept her promise.

As it was Friday Tyler didn’t visit us after school as he did most other evenings; he played pool with his mates on Friday evenings. It was strange not having him there; he’d become one of the family and nearly always stayed for dinner. Jade spent most of that Friday evening in the bathroom, having a long bath, washing and styling her hair, plucking her eyebrows, shaving her legs, squeezing a spot and then painting her nails, all in preparation for when she went out with her friends the following day.

‘Because I won’t have time to do it in the morning,’ Jade explained to me. ‘Now I’m a mum I have to plan in advance, so I’m getting ready now.’

‘Yes,’ I agreed, smiling. ‘And you’ll look very nice.’

That night, as with the previous one, when Courtney woke for a midnight feed I soothed her while Jade warmed her bottle and then I left Jade to feed her. When Courtney woke at 4.00 a.m. Jade was in a very deep sleep – probably exhausted from all the preparations for the following day – and couldn’t easily be woken, so I took Courtney downstairs and fed her. I reasoned that if Jade had been married or living with a partner then he would have helped with the night feeds, so I didn’t see anything wrong in me helping her a little. I hoped that in a few weeks, as had happened with Adrian, Paula and Harrison, the early-morning feed wouldn’t be necessary and we would get a better night’s sleep.

Jade and Courtney both slept until 8.30 on Saturday morning. Jade would have slept for longer but Courtney was more than ready for her next feed by that time and her cry wasn’t something you could ignore; to use an expression, she had a good set of lungs on her. I was in the kitchen in my dressing gown, making myself a coffee, when Jade appeared in her nightwear, carrying Courtney. Jade passed Courtney to me to hold and I gently rocked her while Jade warmed the bottle of formula. It was one of those cosy scenes that has stayed with me: Jade and me, like mother and daughter, still in our nightwear with a more leisurely start to Saturday; Jade happy that she was going out later and, with a smile on her face, chatting easily while she warmed the bottle and I cuddled Courtney.

When the bottle was ready I showered and dressed while Jade fed Courtney in the sitting room. Then, when I was dressed and Courtney had finished her bottle, I suggested to Jade that she put Courtney in the bouncing cradle and I would watch her while she washed and dressed, which she did. Paula arrived downstairs and, sitting on the floor next to Courtney, talked to her quietly while lightly stroking her little hand. I knew Paula was bonding with Courtney and growing to love her, just as Adrian and I were, although Adrian would never have admitted it.

When Jade was dressed she put Courtney in her cot for a sleep – as part of the routine we had established. Then when Courtney woke for her lunchtime feed Jade fed and changed her and then I looked after her while Jade finished getting ready to go out – although what more there was to do I’d no idea, as preparations for going out had already stretched over two days.

When Jade appeared she was wearing new jeans, top and high-heeled shoes I hadn’t seen before. She was also wearing some make-up.

‘You look very nice,’ I said. ‘Have you decided where you’re going yet?’

‘To the mall, shopping,’ Jade said. ‘There’s nothing on at the cinema.’

‘All right, love, enjoy yourself. And you’ll be home by six o’clock,’ I reminded her.

‘Yes. Thanks for looking after Courtney.’

‘You’re welcome, love. I’m happy to.’

And I was very happy to be looking after Courtney all afternoon. When Jade was there I played a secondary role and helped and advised Jade on how to look after Courtney rather than actually doing it. But now with Courtney all to myself I made the most of it: playing with her and talking to her. When she grew restless I cradled her in my arms and carried her around the house, pointing out all the different objects: ‘That’s a window, those are curtains; that’s Toscha, our cat, she goes meow; that’s her bed and that’s her food bowl …’ and so on, until eventually Adrian said: ‘Excuse me, Mum, I’m not being rude but shall I start making the dinner? I’m starving.’

‘You could certainly help me,’ I said with a smile. ‘I didn’t realize the time.’

‘No. You’ve been a bit preoccupied. Did you know Paula’s smoking a joint?’ he said with his dry humour.

I laughed, just. ‘Don’t joke about that.’

I settled Courtney in her cot and then Adrian helped me prepare the vegetables and meat for dinner. He liked helping and was a good cook. It was six o’clock when the three of us sat down to eat – the time at which Jade was supposed to have returned. I plated up her dinner and left it in the oven to keep warm, as I was expecting to hear her key in the front door at any moment. Six thirty came and went, still with no sign of Jade; I assumed the bus was late or one had been cancelled – which often happened – and that Jade would be home soon. We finished eating and cleared the table.

When seven o’clock approached and Jade hadn’t returned, I was disappointed, and also starting to worry. However, I saw nothing sinister in her lateness. It was the first time she’d seen her friends in quite a few weeks, so I thought they’d probably had a lot to talk about and were having such a good time that she’d simply lost track of time. I was aware the shops in the mall stayed open until eight o’clock on Saturdays.

At 7.15 I telephoned Jade’s mobile and it went through to her voicemail. I left a message: ‘Jade, love, it’s Cathy. It’s after seven o’clock. I was expecting you home an hour ago. Can you phone, please?’

She didn’t phone but five minutes later my mobile sounded with an incoming text. It was from Jade:
Sorry. I 4gt. I’m on d bus nw. GIV my luv 2 Courtney. X
.

Relieved, I continued with the board game I was playing with Paula. I knew the bus took half an hour to get from the mall to my house and Jade had said she was already on it, so I was expecting her soon.

When she hadn’t arrived home by 7.40 I texted her:
R u nearly home? Cathy x
.

She texted back straightaway:
Yes x
.

Courtney woke for a feed at 8.00, just as I was running Paula’s bath. I left the taps on, collected Courtney from her cot and returned to Paula in the bathroom, but Courtney wouldn’t stop crying, so I switched off the taps, told Paula to get undressed but to wait for me before she got into the bath, and hurried downstairs for a bottle for Courtney. Even though Paula was eight years old I didn’t leave her unattended in the bath in case she slipped or fell. With Courtney still crying in my arms I went into the kitchen, where I quickly heated the bottle of formula, tested it, and then put the teat to her lips; she latched on immediately and sucked ravenously. I carried her in my arms, still feeding, upstairs and into the bathroom, where I topped up Paula’s bath with some more hot water and then sat on the floor and fed Courtney while Paula bathed and chatted.

It was 8.20 when Jade finally arrived home – over two hours after the time we’d agreed. Paula was in bed, waiting for me to read her a bedtime story, and Adrian was downstairs, watching a DVD. I was in Jade’s room changing Courtney before settling her in her cot for the night. I heard the front door open and close and then Jade’s voice call from the hall: ‘Hi! I’m back, Cathy! Where’s my lovely daughter?’

I knew straightaway, even before I saw Jade, that she had been drinking. Something in her voice told me she wasn’t sober. ‘We’re up here,’ I called back evenly.

Jade’s footsteps sounded unsteadily on the stairs and then she came round the landing and into her bedroom. I didn’t immediately look up but concentrated on fastening Courtney’s nappy.

‘How’s my beautiful baby?’ she said, slightly slurring her words.

‘She’s been fine,’ I said coolly, glancing up. ‘I’ve fed and changed her and now she’s ready for bed.’

Jade tottered over on her high heels to the changing mat and, swaying slightly, leant over and kissed Courtney’s cheek. As she did I smelt alcohol and also cigarette smoke. Straightening, she said to me. ‘Sorry I’m late. I hope you’re not angry with me?’

‘Not angry, more disappointed,’ I said.

‘Why?’

‘Because you didn’t come back on time and you’ve been drinking and smoking.’

‘No, I haven’t,’ she said belligerently.

I wasn’t going to argue with her, and Courtney was ready to go to bed. I went to pick her up to put her into her cot and as I did Jade took a step forward.

‘I’ll do that,’ she said a little aggressively. ‘I want to give her a cuddle. I’ve missed her.’

She stooped to pick up Courtney and as she did she slipped off one of her high heels and stumbled heavily backwards, crashing into the cot before regaining her balance. I was thankful she hadn’t been holding Courtney.

‘I think it’s best I put Courtney to bed,’ I said. ‘We don’t want you dropping her.’

I picked up Courtney, held her out to Jade so that she could give her a kiss, and then laid her on her side in the cot.

‘I don’t know why you’re angry with me,’ Jade said, annoyed. ‘I can have a drink with me mates on a Saturday if I want. It’s not against the law.’

‘It is at your age, and it’s also against the law to be intoxicated while in charge of a minor,’ I said firmly, tucking the blanket around Courtney. ‘Supposing you’d tripped and fallen with Courtney in your arms? You could have done her real harm. It doesn’t bear thinking about.’

‘You worry too much,’ she said dismissively. She hiccupped and then, giving Courtney a little wave, left to go to the toilet.

I kissed Courtney goodnight, raised the side of the cot and then went on to the landing, where I waited for Jade. I heard the toilet flush and then she came out, looking very pale.

‘I’m going to bed,’ she said. ‘I’m tired and I feel sick.’

I stopped myself from telling her that given the amount of alcohol she’d probably drunk it was little wonder she felt sick; I’d save my lecture for the morning, when she would be in a better state of mind to hear it and understand.

‘Go to bed and I’ll fetch a bucket,’ I said. Then I added: ‘And leave Courtney in her cot.’ For I had the horrific thought that in her inebriated state Jade might try to pick up Courtney for a cuddle. Had I known Jade was going to arrive home drunk, I would have taken the cot out of her room and placed it in my room for the night, so that there was no chance of her picking up Courtney during the night.

As I passed Paula’s open bedroom door, where Paula was in bed still waiting for a story, I called: ‘I won’t be long.’

Downstairs I took the bucket from the cupboard and returned to Jade’s room. She was in bed; she’d taken off her shoes and jeans and was lying in her top and underwear.

‘I’ll have a wash in the morning,’ she moaned groggily, as I placed the bucket beside her bed. ‘I’m too tired now. I don’t feel so good.’

I checked Courtney, who was nearly asleep, and then came out, leaving the door wide open so that I could hear Jade if she got out of bed or was sick. I went into Paula’s room. She was sitting up in bed, waiting patiently for her story.

‘What’s the matter with Jade?’ she asked, worried.

‘She’s not feeling well,’ I said, sitting on the bed next to her and resting my head on the headboard. ‘It’s nothing for you to worry about. Now, where were we up to in this book?’ I was reading Paula
The BFG
by Roald Dahl – a chapter or two a night, for although Paula could read, like most children her age she still liked to be read to.

I had read two pages when I heard Jade begin to retch. Paula heard it too. ‘Jade’s being sick,’ she said anxiously. ‘She needs you!’

I left Paula in bed and hurried round the landing to Jade’s room. She was hanging over the edge of the bed with her head in the bucket, vomiting, while Courtney slept in her cot a couple of feet away. I was about to go over to Jade and hold back her hair when the landline began to ring. Damn! I thought. Worried the ringing might wake Courtney, I left Jade and rushed round the landing to answer the extension in my bedroom.