Please Don't Take My Baby (21 page)

On Sunday afternoon I suggested to Jade, as I had done the day before, that we all go out for a while, but Jade didn’t want to, so as the weather was fine Adrian and Paula played in the garden again. Also, in the afternoon my neighbour’s two children, who were a similar age to Adrian and Paula, came in and they all played together and had fun, so I didn’t feel quite so bad that I hadn’t taken Adrian and Paula out during the weekend as I usually did.

That evening I telephoned my parents – we often spoke on a Sunday if we hadn’t seen each other during the weekend. As part of our conversation Mum naturally asked how Jade and Courtney were doing and I had to say: ‘Not very good.’

Mum knew that confidentiality forbade me from telling her the details, so she didn’t ask any questions. ‘Oh dear,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry to hear that. Give Jade our love, dear.’

‘I will.’

Adrian and Paula spoke to their nana and grandpa, after which I began their bath and bedtime routine, ready for school on Monday, and I was never so relieved that a weekend was finally drawing to a close.

Courtney was restless again on Sunday night and I repeatedly had to settle her. When she woke for her early-morning bottle I didn’t wake Jade, for I assumed she would still find it too painful to look after Courtney, so I took her straight downstairs to the kitchen, where I warmed a bottle, and then fed her in the sitting room. When she’d finished I returned upstairs and laid her in the cot while I showered; then I woke Adrian and Paula and our schoolday routine began.

When it was nearly time for me to leave the house to take Paula to school I knocked on Jade’s bedroom door and, going in, asked her if she could look after Courtney while I went to school.

‘Can you take her with you?’ she said from beneath the duvet.

‘Yes, I can. If you want me to.’

‘I do.’

‘I’ll see you in half an hour, then,’ I said. I came out and closed her bedroom door.

Paula was excited that we were taking Courtney to school with us. We walked and she helped me push the pram. When we arrived in the playground she proudly showed off ‘our baby’ to her friends. A few parents looked at me oddly, although most knew I fostered so were used to seeing me appear in the playground with a new addition to my family. I waited until the bell rang for the start of school and then I kissed Paula goodbye and pushed the pram home again. I was grateful for the exercise, having been at home all weekend.

Jade was still in bed when I arrived home and despite my encouraging her to get up she stayed there until mid-morning. Only when I’d put Courtney in her cot in my bedroom for her morning nap did Jade get up. She came downstairs in her nightwear, made herself some toast and then took it into the sitting room, where she switched on the television. I don’t normally watch daytime television but I didn’t say anything; I was relieved she was downstairs and not shut in her room. However, an hour later when Courtney woke from her morning nap Jade returned to her room, only coming down again (still in her nightwear) when Courtney had her afternoon nap. Later I asked Jade if she would like to come with me when I collected Paula from school, but predictably she didn’t want to. I could understand why Jade couldn’t bear to see her daughter and I was very worried.

‘Is Jade still unwell?’ Paula asked when I arrived in the playground pushing the pram.

‘Yes,’ I said.

Paula helped me push the pram home and then kept Courtney amused in her bouncing cradle while I made dinner. I took Jade’s dinner up to her room on a tray, as I knew she wouldn’t come down while Courtney was there. She thanked me but hardly ate anything and I took the tray away. Jade didn’t wash or dress at all that day and had managed to completely avoid seeing her daughter, although she must have heard her sometimes. Before I went to bed I went to Jade’s room and asked her if she wanted anything, but she didn’t. She looked dreadful, as though she had given up on life, and I tried again to talk to her about her feelings, but she shook her head and waved me away, close to tears. Very worried but aware there was nothing I could say or do to help Jade, I said goodnight and came out, dreading how she would cope with tomorrow.

The professionals meeting had taken place during the day – I didn’t know at what time – and I wasn’t surprised that neither Jill nor Rachel had telephoned us with news of the outcome. It is considered good practice (rightly so) that when an upsetting decision of this nature is made the parent should be told in person by the social worker and not over the phone or by a third party. In Jade’s case, therefore, no news was not good news – just the opposite, in fact.

Courtney was restless again during Monday night but I was awake anyway. I lay in the dark staring at the ceiling, worrying about the following day. I knew I had to be strong for Jade, who would probably be hysterical when Rachel carried Courtney from the house, but I doubted how strong I could be. I was grateful that Rachel was coming at 10.00 a.m. when Adrian and Paula were at school so that they wouldn’t have to witness Jade and Courtney’s agonizing parting.

I worried too how little Courtney would cope with all the changes, for by tomorrow night she would have lost everything that was familiar to her and be with new carers in a strange house. How can you explain that to a five-month-old baby?

You can’t.

It was like waiting for the executioner to arrive. Jade was sitting on the sofa with a screwed-up tissue in one hand and crying quietly, while I was on the sofa next to her, a reassuring hand resting impotently on her arm. Courtney was in her bouncing cradle on the floor on the other side of me and thankfully oblivious to the fate that awaited her. All that could be heard for some time was the ticking of the clock, Jade’s snuffling and Courtney’s occasional gurgle.

It was 9.50 and part of me thought that Jade had done well to get this far. She was washed and dressed, and while she couldn’t bear to look at Courtney she was at least in the same room as her, and hadn’t run away. It had crossed my mind that had I been in Jade’s position I would have fled the house rather than stay and watch my daughter being taken away.

A couple of minutes more passed and then the doorbell rang. Jade started and gave a little gasp.

‘It’s all right,’ I said soothingly, patting her arm. ‘Calm down.’ Although I was feeling anything but calm.

With my stomach churning and my mouth dry, I went down the hall and answered the front door. Rachel was dressed smartly as she had been on her previous visit and held her briefcase at her side.

‘Good morning, Cathy,’ she said formally.

‘Good morning,’ I replied, standing aside to let her in. ‘We’re in the sitting room.’

I closed the front door and followed Rachel down the hall.

‘Good morning, Jade,’ Rachel said stiffly as she entered.

Jade didn’t answer. She kept her head down and pressed the tissue to her mouth.

‘How is Courtney?’ Rachel now asked, sitting in the armchair and tucking her briefcase by her feet.

Jade didn’t look up or answer. ‘Courtney’s fine,’ I said, returning to sit on the sofa beside Jade.

‘Good. And what sort of weekend have you had?’ Rachel asked, again looking at Jade.

Jade stared at the floor and sniffed. ‘Jade’s obviously upset,’ I said. ‘She’s coping as best she can.’

‘So you haven’t been out partying all weekend?’ Rachel now asked Jade, which seemed rather an insensitive comment, although she was waiting for a reply.

Jade shook her head but didn’t look up.

‘She’s been in all weekend,’ I confirmed.

‘Looking after Courtney?’ Rachel asked.

I nodded, for there seemed little point in telling Rachel I had been looking after Courtney all weekend.

‘All right,’ Rachel said with a small sigh.

Leaning forward, she unfastened her briefcase and took out some papers, and my stomach churned. She set them centrally on her lap and then, sitting upright in her chair, looked at Jade, who still had her eyes lowered.

‘As you know, we had a meeting yesterday,’ Rachel began, addressing us both. ‘It was a difficult meeting and lengthy. We discussed our concerns in respect of you looking after Courtney and your behaviour in general, Jade. You remember I explained our concerns to you when I saw you last week?’ Rachel paused but Jade didn’t look up or reply. Rachel glanced at me before continuing.

‘My manager and the other professionals present at the meeting felt it was in Courtney’s long-term interest to be placed for adoption and I anticipated removing Courtney today. In which case you would have had to leave Cathy’s straightaway, as technically you’d no longer be in care. However, also present at the meeting was a lady called Erica Weston, who runs Grasslands. Have you heard of Grasslands?’

Jade shook her head.

‘No,’ I said.

‘Grasslands is a special unit set up as part of a project to help teenage girls,’ Rachel continued. ‘It’s about an hour’s drive from here and can take up to twenty-five girls. They are housed in self-contained units with a shower and small kitchen. The girls are given support to help them return to work or studying, but there are strict rules and the girls have to sign a contract to say they will obey the rules. If they break the rules they have to leave Grasslands. I asked Erica to attend the meeting, as I felt she might be able to help you. Not everyone at the meeting felt you would benefit from going to Grasslands, Jade, but I did. I put your case and after much discussion we decided it was reasonable to give you the opportunity to go there and try to turn your life around.’

Rachel stopped and looked at us. I had been listening very carefully, following her every word and studying her as she’d been speaking. Grasslands sounded like a type of correction centre, a less severe form of young offenders’ institution that might be able to help Jade.

Jade now raised her head and looked at Rachel. ‘What’s the point if I haven’t got Courtney?’

‘You will have her with you if you go,’ Rachel said. ‘Grasslands is a home primarily for teenage mothers. You can both live there for a limited time.’

I hardly dared believe what I was hearing. Was Jade being given another chance to parent Courtney? It was incredible, and I saw Jade was struggling to take in what she was being told too.

‘You mean you’re not going to take Courtney today?’ she asked after a moment, staring at Rachel.

‘Not if you agree to go to Grasslands, no. But, Jade, if you do go, you must understand you have to obey the rules and you still need to prove yourself. You will be monitored carefully by the staff at Grasslands and by me. If you give us any cause for concern Courtney will be taken into care immediately for her own safety, and you will leave Grasslands. Otherwise the girls can stay with their babies for up to a year.’

‘I want to go,’ Jade said, finally appreciating the chance she was being offered.

‘You understand Grasslands is out of this area and away from your friends?’ Rachel said. The reason Jade had originally come to me was that the only free mother-and-baby carer had been out of the area and Jade had refused to go.

‘I want to go,’ Jade said again.

‘And you understand you will be wholly responsible for Courtney?’ Rachel said. ‘Staff will be on hand to advise you but it will be down to you to care for your baby and yourself. You won’t be able to dump Courtney on the staff and go out with your mates, as you have been doing here with Cathy.’

Jade nodded. ‘I understand.’

‘Drinking and smoking at Grasslands are strictly prohibited,’ Rachel continued. ‘All residents have to be in their rooms with their babies by eight o’clock in the evening. It is for the good of the babies. You can have visitors in your room, but they must have left by seven o’clock and no one is allowed to stay overnight. That includes Tyler. Break any of the rules and you will have to leave immediately, and you know what that means for Courtney?’ Rachel was speaking firmly to Jade, harshly almost, but I fully appreciated why and I hoped Jade did too. This was Jade’s very last chance to prove herself and keep Courtney, and if she messed up now there would be no second opportunity.

‘So you agree to all the rules and to sign the contract?’ Rachel asked.

‘Yes,’ Jade said quietly. ‘Thank you.’

‘I had to fight for this,’ Rachel said. ‘So don’t let me down, Jade. Not everyone at the meeting felt you would benefit from Grasslands, but I did.’

‘Thank you,’ Jade said again. To which I added my own thank-you.

Then for the first time in two days Jade looked at Courtney. Standing, she came round me and picked up her daughter. She took her on to her lap and encircled her in her arms. Closing her eyes, she held her close and cuddled her, as though she would never let her go. I felt her emotion, so sincere and desperate that I could have cried. I think Rachel felt it too.

Looking at me, Rachel asked: ‘So Jade’s continuing to make good progress with her parenting skills?’

‘Yes,’ I said. For Jade’s rejection of Courtney over the weekend had been understandable and was now history, and I hoped Rachel didn’t go up to Jade’s room, find the cot gone and in my room; I’d have some explaining to do! I felt my eyes brim at the thought of all Jade had come so close to losing, and might still lose if she didn’t change her ways at Grasslands.

‘This is a copy of the contract you need to sign for Grasslands, together with a leaflet about the home,’ Rachel said, holding out the papers she’d had on her lap. I took them, as Jade still had her arms around Courtney. ‘I’m going back to the office now,’ Rachel said to me. ‘I’ll phone Erica and confirm Jade will be taking the place. Then I’ll return here at about five o’clock to collect Jade and Courtney.’

‘They’re leaving today?’ I asked, shocked.

‘The room at Grasslands is free now,’ Rachel said. ‘It won’t stay free for long. There’s a waiting list for this type of home. It’s important we get this moving for Jade’s and Courtney’s sakes. And I don’t want to give Jade the chance to go out celebrating tonight.’ The faintest smile crossed Rachel’s face. ‘Can you help her pack, please, Cathy?’

‘Yes, of course.’

Rachel said goodbye to Jade and we left her on the sofa, still cuddling Courtney, and went down the hall to the front door.

‘Thank you for giving Jade this chance,’ I said, by the door. ‘Jade’s a good kid really. She just lost her way.’

Rachel gave a heartfelt sigh. ‘I just hope she doesn’t throw away this chance. I do share some of my colleagues’ concerns. It would be even more upsetting for them both if this failed and I had to remove Courtney in six months’ time. That was one of the arguments raised against giving Jade this opportunity: that the chances of her succeeding were so slim it would be kinder to them both to place Courtney for adoption now.’

I felt an icy chill run down my spine at the possibility.

‘Perhaps you could reinforce what I’ve said to Jade?’ Rachel added.

‘Yes, I will,’ I said sombrely.

We said goodbye and I returned to the sitting room, where Jade was still on the sofa cuddling, kissing and now apologizing to Courtney. ‘I’m so sorry. I won’t mess up this time. I promise you. I’m so very sorry.’ Then to me: ‘Thank you, Cathy, for not telling Rachel about the weekend.’

‘It’s history,’ I said, and I returned to sit beside Jade. ‘Jade,’ I began seriously, ‘Rachel wants to make sure you understand that going to Grasslands is your very last chance. If anything goes wrong this time, you will lose Courtney for good. You know that, don’t you?’

‘Yes, I know,’ Jade said. ‘I won’t mess up this time, I promise.’

I was pleased to hear this, but I’d heard Jade’s promises to change before, as Rachel had, and if I was honest I shared Rachel’s concerns (and those of the other professionals present at the meeting) that Jade might not succeed and Courtney would have to be removed from Jade’s care. I picked up the leaflet about Grasslands that Rachel had left and opened it. Tucked inside was the copy of the contract Jade would have to sign. I read it out loud and as I finished Jade looked dismayed. ‘There are a lot of rules, aren’t there?’

‘Yes, but they are there for the benefit of you, Courtney, and the other residents. You will need to make sure you follow them.’

Jade nodded, but in that nod I could see that even she doubted if she was really up to doing all that was being asked of her.

‘You’ll be fine,’ I said, positively. But only time would tell.

That afternoon I packed Jade’s and Courtney’s belongings into cases and bags, and stacked them in the hall while Jade looked after Courtney. The leaflet about Grasslands had said that each room contained a cot, so there was no need for me to dismantle mine for Jade to take; I doubted it would have fitted into Rachel’s car anyway, with all the bags. There was no mention of a pram or stroller in the leaflet, so I told Jade she could take mine. That was already in the hall. By the time I left to collect Paula from school the packing was done. I had no qualms about leaving Jade alone in the house with Courtney, for she had no reason to run away or harm herself now.

When I met Paula in the playground I explained to her that Jade and Courtney were leaving us and that Rachel would be collecting them at about five o’clock to take them to a new home – a special flat where Jade would be given help to look after Courtney.

‘But we can help them,’ Paula said, not wanting them to leave. ‘I like helping Jade look after Courtney.’

‘I know you do, love. You’ve been very good at helping. But Rachel felt it would be better if they went to Grasslands.’ Then, anticipating Paula’s next question, I added: ‘We’ll be able to visit them.’

‘Good. I’m excited. Is Jade?’

‘Oh, yes,’ I said. ‘Definitely.’

However, excited wasn’t the best choice of word, for when we arrived home Jade came into the hall in floods of tears. Coming up to us, she threw her arms around Paula and then me, even before I’d closed the front door. ‘I’m going to miss you guys,’ she sobbed. ‘I love you all so much. You’ve become my second family.’

‘We’re going to miss you too, love,’ I said hugging her. ‘But we’ll still see you. Where’s Courtney?’

‘Having her afternoon nap.’

‘Good girl,’ I said. ‘Well done. You remembered.’ Usually I had to remind Jade about Courtney’s routine; that Jade had remembered seemed to bode well for their future together.

Jade played with Paula while I made an early and quick dinner, for I thought Jade should eat before she and Courtney left on their journey to Grasslands – about an hour’s drive away. I was in the kitchen when Adrian arrived home and, as usual, he came straight in to the kitchen in search of a snack.

‘We’re eating early tonight,’ I said. I explained why.

‘Is Tyler going to live at Grasslands too?’ he asked, biting into an apple he’d taken from the fruit bowl.

‘No, but he can visit Jade and Courtney, just as we will be able to.’

Adrian nodded and disappeared up to his room until dinner was ready.

A little after 4.30 I called everyone to the dining table, where I served the quick dinner of sausages, mashed potatoes and baked beans. They enjoyed the reprieve from green vegetables, which I usually included in the evening meal, and ate enthusiastically. Jade also spoon fed Courtney her baby food and then gave her some milk from a trainer beaker.

Towards the end of the meal Jade received two text messages. One was from Tyler. ‘He says to thank you for all the meals,’ Jade said, reading it. ‘And to tell you he’s doing OK with his exams.’