Please Let It Stop (24 page)

I have often referred to Sandie, Vanessa and myself as the witches because when we are together we conjure up a lot of mischief. The day following the unveiling of Peaches, the three of us woke to a beautiful morning with perfect clear blue sky, birds singing and a shocking hangover, the sort where any movement is painful. However, there was sunbathing to be done so we had breakfast on our balcony, packed our bikinis and headed to an exclusive beach club called Nikki Beach just outside of Marbella.

Nikki Beach is a popular haunt for the world’s rich and famous. It is furnished with plush white double beds with waiters catering for your every need. Music plays all day and the champagne and cocktails never stop coming. This is just the place to relax and nurse a hangover in preparation for the night ahead and that’s exactly what we did. We
then headed back to the hotel for our customary evening ritual of getting ready.

You could tell it was going to be a serious party night. Puerto Banus was packed with locals and tourists, and everyone was out in the streets to watch England v Portugal on massive TV screens in their World Cup match. It was just the most electric atmosphere, with everyone singing and cheering for both teams. Although England lost the game, the party did not let up and we carried on through the port visiting different bars until we finally ended up in the most infamous bar of them all, Sinatra’s. Vanessa tells me I had a special glow that night. I certainly felt in my element, and the amount of male attention I was receiving confirmed that something must be right. There was one guy in particular who caught my eye, so naturally I began flirting with him. Meanwhile Sandie and Vanessa chatted to his friends.

We are all capable of looking after ourselves but when you are away with the girls in a foreign country you always tend to keep an eye out for each other. Vanessa apparently noticed that I had been gone for a while and she suggested to Sandie that they look for me. Normally, when any one of us leaves the group for whatever reason we usually let the others know where we are off to, but in this case I had just disappeared. What Sandie and Vanessa didn’t know as they wandered alongside the luxurious multimillion-pound yachts looking for me was that I was hiding from them, snogging my new friend!

They then headed back to the bar, thinking I might be there. Of course, I had long gone but those girls were persistent so in the end one of the guys from the group offered to take them to their apartment to see if I was there. I had no idea the girls were on my trail. The apartment was quite large with several bedrooms leading off from the long corridor, and I believe one of the guys did come in but left saying he couldn’t find us. I don’t know how hard he’d looked. However, Vanessa is nothing if not determined and buoyed by all the alcohol she decided to search the apartment herself. The way she describes it, she was ‘marching down the corridor’ only to see a naked man holding a pair of shorts in front of him. He quickly fled and she followed him.

Vanessa had then stormed into the bedroom where my new friend was standing by the bed. At the same time she called me on her mobile. All she could see were the sheets pulled to the top of the bed. Sandie arrived and apparently they were both wondering why there was a blue light flashing underneath the covers. It was, of course, my mobile phone. I could stand it no longer. I threw the covers back, glared at the girls and shouted ‘What are you f***ing witches doing at the end of the bed?’

We all paused for a moment and I swear I could see Vanessa mouthing the words: ‘Jacqueline,
not
in Marbella!’ She was then unceremoniously dragged out of the room by Sandie. The evening had been disrupted but it was not
ruined since I had already planned to make an exit. While my new friend was cute, he had somehow let slip that he wanted me to be his holiday romance, a concept that did not appeal to the new fun-loving Peaches. I was free at last!

I waited a very long time to write this book because I wasn’t ready until now. I knew that when I sat down to write, it would be a very personal memoir that would include things even my close friends and family did not know about until they read the manuscript. I have in the past been very private about my personal life, but having faced my childhood demons, I suddenly had this necessary urge to share my story. I also could not have written this book while my mother was alive. While there are places in this book where she has perhaps not acted in the way you might expect a mother to, I could not have subjected such a fragile woman to any fallout that may result. Despite everything, I still love her. No matter how much I have suffered, this book is not about exacting revenge. It is simply about telling it as it is and showing that adversity can shape you in a positive way.

I had met many women at business events where I was a speaker and often they would be keen to know the reasons
for my success and how they could overcome their own challenges of being a businesswoman in a man’s world. They all had different stories to tell and many were striving for success, often against a background of business and personal issues in their own lives. My aim in writing this book, and sharing my story and all the challenges I have faced, is the hope that it might inspire people like these to recognise that if I can achieve despite such horrendous life experiences, then so could they. It has not been easy to revisit particular parts of my life; at times it has not just affected me emotionally but physically as well. Occasionally, the process of recounting my memories has truly shocked me. Yet I also feel quietly euphoric that I have risen above it and lead a progressive life, filled with potential and opportunity.

I want to make it clear I am not Superwoman. I am not gifted with any special emotional armoury that allows me to casually brush off events that would cause others to collapse. What I am blessed with is enormous amounts of self-belief and a consistently positive attitude. I am one of those people – and there are many others out there – who is driven to improve my life in the face of adversity; it’s almost like the worse things get, the more I think, ‘I can do this.’ At such times I seem to propel myself to a new level that I never thought possible. That is not to say I don’t stumble and fall. Of course I do.

When Dan, the man I loved and my partner of five
years, walked out on New Year’s Day 2006 it was the culmination of a very testing and draining few years. Knowing he was leaving for good was heartbreaking, as dramatic as that may sound. However, I also felt an underlying sense of relief. Once I had accepted the door was finally closed, I set about fixing myself. I am a firm believer in keeping busy, so my first reaction was to fill my social diary so that it was bursting with possibilities. I then made a list of all the things that I loved doing. I also made a list of all the things I had ever wanted to do. I wrote down everything I could think of that made me feel good about myself and all the things that would bring laughter and joy into my life. Before I knew it my diary was splitting at the seams and, aided and abetted by my friends and family, I was once again starting to see life in a happier glow.

That didn’t mean that my heart was not hurting. It would be a total lie to say I was fine because I wasn’t. Restoring your equilibrium after you have been through a difficult time cannot be rushed. The key here is to accept that part of you is still yearning for what you have lost. There is no point trying to suppress it. I knew it would take more than a busy social calendar to rid myself of the hurt and loss that I was feeling. It would take more than a few holidays, days at the spa and new high heels. All these things are wonderful but, let’s face it, they are pretty superficial. If you are going to redirect your life, you need to dig
deep and make some significant changes. For me there is nothing like a new challenge to make me feel good about myself. My view is that if you can make it out of your comfort zone you can make it. I decided to set myself some serious and challenging goals for the year ahead. It took until March before I felt ready to do this; I had already lost two months of the year but I was determined to achieve my goals by Christmas.

I began by reflecting over that previous year. What had gone wrong? What parts of it could I have influenced differently? And, more importantly, what lessons had I learnt? I then went on to highlight the reasons for my success, reminding myself of what worked. This enabled me to put together some personal guidelines which reinforced my personal values and beliefs, some of which had got lost in the traumas of the previous year. I reminded myself about the importance of being true to myself, focusing on what I had rather than couldn’t have, spending more time on me and enjoying the here and now. I also thought long and hard as to whether I had fallen into the trap of creating limitations in my life, and of course I had. Often when our self-esteem is at a low ebb we think negative thoughts, and if we continually feed ourselves with a whole list of ‘I can’t do this’ or ‘I can’t do that’ we end up believing it. One example of this for me was, after failing to lose the two stone I had gained three years ago following the IVF treatment, I convinced myself that I was never going to lose the weight.
My other limitation was in believing that I was never going to find a fulfilling relationship.

Recognising the existence of my self-imposed limitations was the first step in getting rid of them. By the time I got to the next stage of putting together my personal life-changing strategy I was feeling very excited about what I was discovering and optimistic about the changes I could implement. I have always believed there is a solution to every problem in life if you are prepared to take responsibility for your own destiny. I have never been one to wait for happiness or success to come to me. I am an impatient, self-changing and self-correcting person by nature and I believe the only way to make things happen is to go get it yourself.

Just doing this exercise changed my outlook on life from the inside out. And slowly but surely my life began to find its equilibrium. The girl who woke up crying on New Year’s Day was gradually disappearing, and emerging in her place was the me that I liked to spend time with, the me I respected, the me that I wanted the world to see.

I put together a list of twenty goals from all areas of my life and highlighted the ten most important ones that I wanted to achieve that year. They are, in random order:

• Launch new Freedom Parties for single women

• Launch new Ann Summers website

• Lose two stone

• Commit to an exercise training programme

• Write autobiography

• Redesign my entrance hall

• Find the gorgeous, charismatic man of my dreams

• Spend more time with my friends

• Participate or present on a primetime TV show

• Be a better sister

By December 2006 I had achieved nearly all of my goals within the timescale I set myself. I adore my sister who was a great support to me during the break up of my relationship. I feel sad to admit that I almost totally neglected her needs during this time and now am glad to say I feel I am giving her the love and support she deserves. I have already lost a stone and a half of the two stone I had gained. Success is not just about being focused and having a strategy, but with challenges such as weight loss the chances of achieving your chosen goals are also linked to your frame of mind. I realise now why it was so impossible to succeed when I was in the depths of despair. As well as committing to a healthy eating plan, I have also put myself on an exercise training programme twice a week with a personal trainer and my friend Julie, something I recently increased to three times a week. My focus is not just about losing weight but I also want to participate in the Moonwalk in May 2007 to raise money and awareness for
breast cancer. I hope that my training will pay dividends during the thirteen-hour walk throughout the night! I am also mindful that my profile will help me raise as much money as I possibly can.

One of the things I have recognised is that my selective involvement in television projects raises the profile of my business. It also takes me outside my comfort zone. After twenty-five years of running Ann Summers it has been great for me to try something different and challenge myself personally in different ways. It was therefore a great opportunity to be involved in filming two major television shows and to be asked to do a second book.

It’s important to take time out to acknowledge where you have got to and now I am in a rewarding place in all aspects of my life. My business is doing well, I am achieving new goals and I feel good about me. I often find that women, especially, make the mistake of focusing their lives on their partner and immediate family, neglecting their own needs in the process. My mother was the epitome of this. She put her life in the hands of another and it destroyed her. I have realised that fulfilling all of my hopes and desires has put me in the wonderful place I am in now, completely open to new opportunities, new friends and hopefully my soulmate. As for the man of my dreams, well, he will turn up when the time is right. Meanwhile I will continue to strive towards personal satisfaction and contentment because I believe that
unless you are happy with who
you
are, you will never be happy with another.

Throughout my career I have met some wonderful and amazing people from different walks of life. I am not elitist about who I talk to or even who I date, and will give the time of day to almost anybody. However, the only people I will avoid are people who act like victims, the ones who blame everything and everyone else for their misfortunes, and then go on about it throughout most of their life, taking no responsibility for their own actions. I’ve learnt that being around this type of people for too long will only serve to bring you down. In any case, I find I always gravitate towards positive, energetic people with similar views and values to my own. Equally, I avoid people who, even in some small way, treat me like a victim. That also goes for those well-meaning types who look at you with pity when they ask you if you’ve met anyone yet, in a way that makes you feel like you must have a contagious rash or something! Yes, even if you run a multimillion-pound business you are never immune to those sorts of questions!