Preacher's Wifey (16 page)

Sarah was my mother's best friend. They had been friends for many years and had seen each other through the birth of children, the demise of marriage, and the death of their parents. Their friendship had survived the best and the worst of times.

“Is she sick or something? The two of you are always together, shopping or causing trouble for the other bingo players at the center.”

“No, she isn't sick. We have just been missing each other.”

I knew my mother. She had the same routine and the same schedule every day of the week and every week of the year. Something was up.

“Mother, what are you not telling me?”

“Dear heart, why on earth do you think I am withholding something from you?”

“Because you are. So, unless you are about to tell me somebody died, then come on out with it. What is this secret you are holding?”

“Secret?”

My patience was wearing thin. “Mother!” I shouted. “What is it?”

She paused before she answered. “Darling, I wanted to sit down and have lunch with you. That is why I was calling today, but when you said you were on your way to be with Byran, I decided not to mention it. It is a shame you know me so well.”

“Mother, you are stalling. Out with it. No chasers. No beating around the bush.”

“I am seeing your father again.”

I almost choked on my own saliva. “You are what?”

“I am seeing your father.” I could hear the hint of happiness in her voice.

I was speechless. More than that, I was confused. My father was married to the woman he had left my mother for.

“Mom, how did this happen? When did it happen?”

“I ran into him at the mall.”

She was lying.

“What mall, Mom? Dad doesn't go to malls in Atlanta. He lives in Birmingham.”

“Okay, you got me. He came by the house,” she said.

She was lying again.
Ugh.

“If you are not going to tell me the truth, we can hang up.”

“Oh, all right. I went to hear him preach,” she confessed.

“You actually showed up at one of Dad's preaching engagements? Mom, I cannot believe you. Why did you do that? Were you trying to look desperate on purpose?”

“It wasn't like what you are thinking.”

“Then what was it like?”

“Sarah called, being messy, one day and said, ‘Your baby daddy is preaching now, and he is going to be over at Second Mount Bethel.' She also informed me that she overheard Ruby Dee and Ira Jean talking down at the center, and she said they said he and Melissa had split up. So I went to see for myself.”

It was hard listening to my mother talk about he said, she said stuff at her age.
But wait a minute.
My father was preaching now?

“Since when did Daddy start preaching? He never once mentioned that to me.”

“That is exactly what I said! I was amazed. So, Ally, you know I had to go and witness this for myself. I had no idea he even saw me. My plan was to ease in the back, hear him preach, and leave. But as I was walking out the door, an usher walked up to me and gave me a note from him.”

“And the note said?”

“He wanted me to meet him at the Waffle House around the corner.”

“I see.”

“So we talked and caught up on the last twentysomething years. It was my first time really talking to him since the day he left.”

“And what did he have to say for himself?” I was starting to get upset. Who did he think he was to try to come back around my mom after twenty years? It took some time for me to warm up to him after he left us, but over time I learned to love him dearly as a father, but I never wanted him to be in my mother's life as anything again.

“He actually had a whole lot to say.”

“And you fell for it?”

“It's not about falling for anything, Allyson. I just heard him out. I listened to his explanation as to why he chose Melissa over me, and so on.”

She was trying to brush it off, but it would not be that simple for me.

“And what was his reason?”

“Your father was young when he and I married. We were both raised in the country, and when we moved to Atlanta, there was more to do, and more to get into. He got caught up in the streets, and he said over time he fell in love with her because of how she made his flesh feel. But she never really had his heart. She never had all of him, the way I did.”

“And you believed that lie?”

“Yes, I believe him.”

She had to be kidding.

“Mother, you have taught me all my life about guarding my heart and not falling for lies. You even told me once that men were not worth the fecal matter of a dog. Your mantra has been, get the goods without giving up too much gold. Now you are on this phone, telling me you believe some put-together lie Daddy told you about leaving us because his flesh was out of control. For the love of God, Mother, give me a break. My view of love is flawed now because of the things you taught me. But I guess you have had some sort of epiphany.”

“I know it is a lot for you to take in because of the bitterness I have infused into you over the years. But is it ever too late for a person to get it right? No, it is not. And I want to make the rest of my life the best of my life.” She paused. “Allyson, I apologize. I have not always taught you the right things about relationships or love, but it was because of a bitter root within me that needed to be plucked out.”

“Let me guess. Daddy plucked it out?”

“Talking with him for the past few days, and I mean really having in-depth conversations, began the process of me healing. For all these years I thought your father was too selfish to care about anything or anyone but himself. I thought what we had meant nothing to him, because he left me to struggle and take care of us.”

“This is exactly why you should not entertain anything he is saying. I can understand you all having a conversation in hopes of bringing some closure to an old relationship, but to say that you are now seeing him . . . Mom, that is a bit much.”

I was really upset because most of my life I had made my relationship decisions with her in mind. The sole reason I was in this mess with Byran was that she encouraged me to do it so I would not end up like her—broke and broken. I had succeeded at one half of it. I was far from being broke as long as I was married to him, but I had failed miserably at preventing brokenness.

“I know it is difficult for you to understand. It would be for me, too.”

“You have no clue how difficult it is. I am stuck in a marriage that isn't worth the certificate that proves it. I tolerate, and have tolerated, emotional abuse from men who cared nothing about me because my eyes have always been on the money, as well as making sure you were taken care of. You will never understand the emotional debilitation I have endured as one man after another went through my body. Or the psychological breakdowns I suffered through thinking I was not good enough as they dropped me and moved on to the next woman once they were done with me—once their purpose had been served.

“You cannot possibly know what it feels like to give up on having true love or to convince yourself of the falsehood that love is embodied in a man showering you with material things, when it should be the merging or collision of two souls who would rather die than be apart.”

The only thing I could hear were the cars zooming by on the interstate. The moment was so intense, neither of us could find more words to say. My mother had just admitted to me that everything she had taught me about love was wrong.

I had not paid attention to the time, so when I saw a sign that said I was only twenty miles from Chattanooga, I was relieved. I needed to take what little time was left of the drive to get my head together. Absolutely too much had transpired, and it seemed I was getting hit with one thing after the other. It was like trouble woke up one morning and set its entire agenda around plaguing me. But surely, there had to be a flip side to trouble, right?

“Mom, I am almost there. I will call you later, when I get to the hospital and find out what is going on.”

“Okay, darling. If I had known this conversation would go in this direction, I would have not brought it up. But I wanted you to know from me what was going on. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I never knew I was hurting you so deeply. I pray you find it in your heart to forgive me.”

“I forgive you, Mother, because I know enough to know forgiveness frees the forgiver. Holding on to stuff is like drinking poison and expecting it not to have an effect on you. What I must do now is put some things in order in my own life. You made a decision for yourself to do what was best for you, not being concerned about what I would think, or anyone else for that matter. It is time I do the same thing. I cannot continue to live for the money, the cars, the houses . . . nothing. If I have to lose it all in order to gain my soul, my peace, and my happiness, then I will have gained what matters most.”

“I agree with you one hundred percent. I hate that you had to come to this conclusion on your own and that I failed as a mother to teach you such a core principle. But as I have found myself saying, late is not as bad as never. You are still young, beautiful, and you deserve all the happiness in the world. If I could reverse your sorrow and replace it with joy, I would.”

I sighed. It was not her fault. I should have taken over my life a long time ago. I should have set my own standards. I should have followed my own heart and adhered to my own set of rules and convictions. But I had followed the voice she gave to me. But now I had to find my own.

I drove into the Erlanger Hospital parking deck, was blessed enough to find a space close to the front, and I parked. Before getting out, I decided to check myself in the mirror, and just like I thought, my face reflected the quantity of tears I had cried. I reached into my purse and pulled out my M•A•C compact. I dabbed the sponge into the foundation and proceeded to mask the evidence of my anger, hurt, and frustration. I smeared a little Viva Glam V lip gloss on my lips so they would pop, and with my hands smoothed down the loose hairs that were trying to escape from my ponytail. Satisfied with my express makeover, I stepped out of the car. The banana-colored DKNY sundress I was wearing from the closet at Seth's house made my skin look radiant. The six-inch Prada heels and sunglasses—also from the closet—matched the dress perfectly. I used to hear old people say there was no reason to look like what you had been through. Emotionally, I was harboring a national disaster, but on the outside, I looked as if I had just stepped out of June Ambrose's fashion house.

I entered the hospital, not knowing what to expect. I would soon be laying eyes on the “other woman.” Technically, I was the “other woman,” because even though I was married, the other woman in my mind was the one who was good enough for everything but truly falling in love with. And that would be me. Nonetheless, with each step, I walked with my head held high. I had discovered so many things about myself over the past few days, and Byran was about to meet a different woman than the one he'd left balling on the kitchen floor. Oh, no, I had connected with a different part of me. As I thought about it, it was interesting how my mother and I had come, through introspection, to two different conclusions about our lives.

“Allyson,” I heard someone call.

I turned around to see a worn and weary-looking Byran coming toward me from another direction. I went to meet him, and the closer I got, the less I recognized him. I could tell he had been crying and not sleeping, as the bags under his eyes held the evidence. I hugged him, and he laid his head on my shoulder and cried some more. I could feel his burden, his pain, his guilt. I could feel the weight of his son's death as his eyes poured his heart onto my shoulder. No words were exchanged—I expressed my condolences by holding him.

Several people walked by and offered their sympathy, and eventually I was able to guide him to a nearby chair so we could sit down.

“Thank you for coming,” he said. “All I have been able to do since they took my son away is walk up and down these halls and cry.”

I grabbed his hand. “I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now, because our baby never had the opportunity to make it as far as your son did. But I remember how empty I felt inside, because to me, that baby was still a soul.”

“That is the reason this is happening to me. I convinced you to get rid of our baby, as if I had no regard for life. God is showing me how it felt to you to have to do that. I was so selfish, Ally. I was only thinking about myself and what I wanted and what was best for me. And now look. I don't have either child.” He dropped his head in his hands. “This has been the worst time of my life. I don't know how I will ever be able to get over this.”

“You will. It looks bleak right now because it just happened, but time heals all wounds.”

He looked at me—almost as if he was staring through me. “There is something different about you. I can't really pinpoint what that something is. I just know there is a difference. You even look a little different—more alive.”

“I am different. I have spent the last few days reflecting inwardly. I found out some things I do not like about myself, as well as some things that I do.” I squeezed his hand. “But we are not here to talk about me. This is about you. Other than the unbearable pain I know you must feel, how are you holding up? Have you been eating?”

“Not really. This cafeteria food sucks. But I was too afraid to leave and go get something for fear of something happening.”

“I will go and get you something. What is the next step? Are you all going to do a memorial here, transport the baby back to Atlanta, or what?”