Prima Donna (8 page)

“
Uh ah.” She shot up.

There was no way she could just lay down and pretend that the last four days hadn’t happened.

“
I can’t do this.”
“Do what?” Jamil mumbled.

“
I can’t do
this
anymore.” McKinley stressed the word this.

“
What’s wrong wit’ you now, McKinley?” Jamil huffed, opening his eyes.

“
I’ll tell you exactly what’s wrong with me. I’m tired of you doing whatever the fuck you wanna do, then when I step to you about it you flip out on me and make it seem like
I’m
crazy. I know what happened. It’s not okay that you do this kind of stuff and I just sit here and fuckin’ take it.”

“
C’mon, babe. I’m tired, just lay down. We’ll talk about this in the morning.’’ Jamil tried to get her to lie back down.

“
No, I don’t wanna lay down, and we gon’ talk about this right now,” she hissed, pushing him away.

“
I want you to explain to me how you can propose to me and disappear on me all in the same damn day. What kind of shit is that and who does shit like that? You claim to love me so much, but every chance you get you’re hurtin’ me. And I don’t understand why you do me like this.” McKinley began to cry. “Oh, I know why. You do it ’cause you can.”

“
Stop.” Jamil sat up and tried to hold her, but McKinley wasn’t willing to let her defenses down.

“
No! If we’re gonna get married I need for you to change. I’m tired of yo’ mouth making promises, but your actions showing me something different. I’m tired of one minute we’re good and then within a blink of an eye it’s some bullshit all over again. This shit is driving me insane.”
“I told you I was gonna change. But change takes time, McKinley. You gotta give me a chance to do it,” Jamil reasoned.

“
I’ve given you three years to change. If it ain’t happened by now then it ain’t gon’ happen,” McKinley shrieked.

“
So what you sayin’?”

McKinley sat quietly and collected herself.

“
I think we need to take a break,” she finally said.

“
A break?” Jamil looked at her sideways. “What the fuck you mean, ‘a break’? We ain’t takin’ no fuckin’ break? If we ain’t gon’ be together, we ain’t gon’ be together. Ain’t no in-between.”

“
Then I guess we ain’t gon’ be together then,” McKinley replied calmly.

“
Word? So that’s it?” Jamil stared at her surprised.

“
Yeah.”

“
A’ight.” Jamil got out of the bed and put on his shoes.

McKinley willed herself to breathe. With each second that passed, it seemed like she was going to faint. Her stomach was in knots as she watched Jamil grab his keys. If she wanted him now was the time to stop him, but the further he got down the hall the firmer she stood on her decision. This would be good for the both of them. McKinley just prayed that her walking away wouldn’t be the biggest mistake of her life.

“
The problem is that you know where my heart stands. You use it against me.”

Dawn Richards

“
Broken Record”

When she’d made it up in her mind that leaving Jamil alone was the right move to make, McKinley never considered the fact that being without him would cause more than a broken heart. Being without Jamil made her feel like she’d died one hundred times. Everyday was like Groundhog’s Day. Every morning she relived the fact that he was gone and never coming back. She would never hear the sound of his footsteps coming up the steps.

She wouldn’t feel him lying next to her in the middle of the night. She wouldn’t get to smell the sweet scent of his skin. The sound of his laughter wouldn’t fill the house up anymore. Every moment of the day she spent alone. When the phone rang everything in her hoped that it would be him on the other end, begging for her forgiveness. She’d called him and left him messages, begging him to call her, but Jamil hadn’t called once.

It had been two weeks since she heard his voice or saw his face. It was like he’d fallen off the face of the earth. Curled up in bed, McKinley gazed at the wall. Tears slid out of the corners of her eyes at a rapid speed. She’d hardly eaten in days. When she closed her eyes at night the only thing she dreamed of was him. No matter what she did, thoughts of Jamil haunted her brain.

Her friends said that in time the pain would get better, but McKinley didn’t believe it. To be without Jamil was worse than being with him. The inconsistencies of their relationship she could handle, but the constant pang in her heart was torture. She wanted her baby back. Everyone around her would call her dumb, but she didn’t care. They weren’t the ones suffering.

McKinley didn’t know what to do. Begging him to take her back made her feel like a complete and utter fool, but every second she breathed air knowing he wasn’t hers anymore killed her. Fuck pride, McKinley had to get her man back. Using her cell phone, she called him. Each ring felt like death. It hurt her even more when he didn’t pick up.

McKinley hung up the phone and burst into tears.
How can he just ignore me like this,
she wondered when her phone rang. McKinley looked at the screen. It was Jamil. A sense of relief flooded over her body.

“
Hello?” Her voice quivered.

“
What’s up? You called?” he asked nonchalantly.

McKinley could hear music and people talking in the background. It sounded as if he was at club or a bar.

“
Yeah, you know I did,” she answered with a slight attitude.

“
Look, I ain’t call you to argue.”

“
I didn’t call you to argue either,” McKinley explained.

“
Well, what’s up then?” Jamil asked dryly.

“
Will you please come home? I’m sorry. I made a mistake. I thought that breaking up wit’ you was the best thing to do, but it was not. I miss you,” she cried. “And I just want you to come home.”

“
I don’t know if I can do that,” Jamil said regrettably.

“
Why?” McKinley said taken aback by his answer.
“’Cause, man. You were right. We needed to fall back from each other. And I mean, I miss you and everything, but I don’t think we ready to just jump back into being wit’ each other.”

“
That’s a bunch of bullshit and you know it,” McKinley cried out. “I love you and you love me.”

“
I never said that I didn’t love you. Love just don’t go away overnight,” Jamil confessed.

“
So that’s it? You just don’t wanna be wit’ me no more.” McKinley stopped crying.

“
I ain’t tryin’ to be rude or nothin’, but can I call you back?”

McKinley held the phone stunned.

“
Hello?” Jamil said.

“
Yeah,” she replied, feeling like if she let him get off the phone she’d never hear from him again.

“
Can I call you right back?”

“
Whatever, Jamil.” McKinley rolled her eyes and hung up the phone.

“
What the hell am I sittin’ up here cryin’ over this nigga for?” McKinley said out loud to herself, pissed off.

Fed up, she got out of the bed and turned on the light.

“
The hell with this shit,” she spat. “I’m sittin’ over her feeling like I’m dying and this nigga could care less, he out partying. Fuck this.”

McKinley went into the master bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. She looked a mess. She hadn’t combed her hair in days. Her face looked pale and dry. Dried-up tear stains scarred her cheeks. Tired of looking and feeling disgusted, she turned on the shower and got in. The hot water running over her body made her feel as if she was being hugged.

Once her body was clean and fresh she turned off the water and got out. After drying off, McKinley brushed her teeth and washed her face, then grabbed her Wild Cherry Blossom lotion and walked back into her room. Annoyed with the silence that enveloped her, she popped a mix CD into her Blu Ray player. The first song that began to play was Jazmine Sullivan’s fuck-him-girl anthem “Holding You Down
.
”
McKinley sat on the edge of her bed and began lathering on lotion while singing along.

It’s a shame that you don’t care enough,

To even give me half the love,

I give to you,

I live for you baby,

I’m ashamed to say that I’m to blame for how you act,

’
Cause I keep comin’ back.

McKinley couldn’t sing a lick, but every lyric from the song resonated deep within her soul. After every inch of her skin was covered with lotion, McKinley went over to her walk-in closet and pulled out the most uncomplicated outfit she could find. Then Barbra Streisand’s “Don’t Rain on My Parade,”
from the iconic movie,
Funny Girl,
came on.

Don’t tell me not to live,

Just sit and putter,

Life’s candy and the suns a ball of butter.

She stood up and danced like a Broadway dancer.

Fuck staying in the house sulking. It was time for her to live. She wasn’t going to let Jamil rain on her parade. He was living and going on with his life, so why shouldn’t she make the same moves? Dressed in a Camilla and Marc, print Georgette dress with a scoop neck, cutout shoulders and short flutter sleeves, McKinley placed on a cute pair of gold sandals.

Standing in front of the mirror, she pulled her hair up into a sleek ponytail, dabbed on a little pink lip gloss, grabbed her house keys and headed out the door. But to McKinley’s surprise as soon as she stepped out of the door, Jamil got off the elevator. McKinley stood frozen, wondering could he hear the loud thumping in her chest that sounded like a drum beat.

“
Where you going?” he asked, eying her up and down.

“
Why?” McKinley replied.

She didn’t want to tell him the truth, which was she had no idea where she was going.

“ ‘
Cause I want you to take a walk with me,” Jamil said.

McKinley looked away; hating that Jamil’s presence had such an impact on her. Every time she came near him her entire being was reduced to a mere puddle. Her mouth begged her to tell him to kick rocks, but the pull he had on her heartstrings triumphed and she found herself saying, “Okay.”

In a daze, McKinley boarded the elevator with Jamil in silence. She was all prepared to say fuck him and to start moving on with her life. But just like every other time she was ready to take that step into the unknown, Jamil appeared, causing her to steer off course. Outside the cool night air kissed their skin as they walked side by side down the street.

“
So what do you wanna talk to me about?” McKinley said at once.

“
I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I know that I haven’t treated you right, but I’m tryin’, McKinley. I love you and I don’t wanna lose you.”

“
I can’t tell. I haven’t heard from you in two weeks,” McKinley said simply.

“
And by no means necessary do I want you to think that was easy for me. I’m fucked up by this, too. I haven’t been able to sleep at night,” he confessed.

“
Well, how come when I called you, you didn’t answer the phone?” she countered.

“
I mean, what was I gon’ say? What I did was fucked up and nothin’ I said was gon’ make you feel any better, so I just decided to fall back for a minute.”

McKinley took in his words and let them digest in her brain. She desperately wanted to believe what he was telling her, but she’d heard this same speech one too many times before to trust in his word.

“
So what now?” she asked, walking at a slow pace.

“
If you allow me the chance, I wanna show you that I can be everything you need me to be and more,” Jamil said after a pause.