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Chapter Four

Jesse

Our story wasn’t over yet. It couldn’t be.

Angie and Ben claimed I’d said something the night I blacked out, but I couldn’t believe those words had come from my mouth. I owed her an apology. Shit, I owed her a lot of apologies. But she’d come this far with me, and I hoped to God I’d find the right opportunity to present her with the truth.

I would’ve felt better just to get it off my chest, even if she ended up slamming a two-by-four against my head.

Because Charlie needed to know.

I had to tell her.

When we stripped away all of the physical attributes—skinny, fat, tall, short, blue eyes, brown eyes, red sweaters, green shirts, scars, dimples, moles, and smiles—there was something underneath our skin that hadn’t given us a choice about being drawn to each other.

And
that
was the shit that mattered: the good that she’d squeezed from me when the well was dry.

The girl could’ve had a third ear and I still would’ve felt the same way. Her weight had never bothered me—not until she lost it all and became a fraction of the size she once was. But even then, I still didn’t care. Anyone worth something wouldn’t.

There may have been a few details—her birthday being one—that had slipped through the cracks. There may have been a couple of things I didn’t remember—useless things that didn’t mean anything, the trivial conversations people would have to make them feel like they’d contributed to the conversation—but in the grand scheme of things, they didn’t really matter.

That was the way the mind worked: Memories would shift and twist. We forgot the details and things in between, but retained the thoughts that impacted us the most.

But even with the months of our silence, conversation would have to be initiated by one of us. No way was our story over.

The opportunity hadn’t arisen. Right time, right place and all that. It was always going to be an issue. I could never seem to get it right.

But my patience wore thin, and something was going to have to happen soon. Maybe the break was what we needed. I knew I needed it, but I wasn’t sure about her.

Maybe for her I’d waited too long.

***

“It’s pretty slow tonight,” Ben said, stuffing bags with plastic silverware. “You can go home if you want.”

I nodded. “Good. The roads are shitty.” I tapped on the screen to punch out. “I hate March in Minnesota. Warm one day, snowing the next.”

“You need me to cash you out?” he asked.

Movement outside the swinging kitchen doors brought my eyes up, and I caught a glimpse of Charlie walking past.

Deep breaths.

“No. I’ll go up front tonight.”

“Okay,” Ben sighed. “But Angie is in the bar tonight. Keep your head down and keep moving. Don’t give her a reason—”

“I won’t talk to her,” I laughed. “I promise.” I walked toward the employee bathroom, stripping off my uniform shirt and grabbing my green T-shirt.

“Oh, hey! Before you go, Jess, I was going to ask you…”

I turned just as Angie walked in back and grabbed a plate to prepare a salad for one of her tables. Ben approached me, walking past her, and her eyes met mine. Her lips parted with a small gasp as she looked down to my chest, and her jaw tightened. But she didn’t speak and got out as quickly as possible.

“So,” Ben continued, “I’m sure you’ve heard that there’s an assistant manager position available back here.”

“Yeah?” I stretched the shirt over my head and pushed my arms through one at a time. “So what?”

“Well, I was hoping you’d apply.” He smiled. “You’re really the only guy I’ve got back here worth anything.”

I laughed, balling my uniform into my hand. “I’m not sure if that was supposed to be a compliment, but if it was, you suck at them.”

“For real, man. I know you’ve had a couple of rough times over the past year, but if you can keep that head of yours clear, I think you’d be pretty good at it. I didn’t tell Adam about the birthday present incident. I mean, not about my suspicions of drugs and stuff.” He shrugged. “As far as he knows, you were minding your own business when Angie…accosted you. If she hadn’t been working here for three years, he probably would’ve fired her.”

“Well, I appreciate that. I have no problem with Angie.”

“So?” Ben looked hopeful. “You’ll think about it?”

“Yeah. I’ll think about it.” I nodded. “But I have some stuff I need to take care of right now.” I held up my receipts. “I’ll let you know in the next few days.”

“Sounds good. Applications are due in next week.”

“Okay,” I said over my shoulder as I walked into the dining room. Pulling an envelope from my back pocket, I walked past the tables, straightening a few silverware settings before I got there.

The lobby was empty and only a few tables in the bar were occupied. Alejandro and the boys in the kitchen looked bored, and the only server on was Charlie. The snowstorm had driven the customers away and the hostess wasn’t around.

Charlie sat at table 26 wiping down the menus, and I stood at the front register waiting for her to look up.

Pieces of her auburn hair fell past her shoulders, but the majority of it was held up in a sloppy bun. Her skin glowed, and her small diamond stud earrings brought my attention to her neckline. I followed that to her unbuttoned collar and down to the small peaks of her breasts.

Charlie chewed on the inside of her cheek, wiping each menu in slow motion as her thoughts distracted her from her task. She stopped wiping to smile for a second, and she still hadn’t noticed me watching her.

She removed the smile from her face and shook her head from her thoughts. Then she looked around to make sure no one had seen her.

That’s when she saw me.

I dipped my chin and cleared my throat. She stood, and walked toward me. My heartbeat picked up and I tried to keep myself calm, but my feet were getting antsy.

She took a deep breath and paused in her stride just before she met me at the register. With a fake smile, she said, “May I help you?”

I nodded and set my receipts on the counter. “Can you check me out? Please.”

She licked her lips, and with a nod she stepped behind the register.

We were quiet—quieter than I wanted us to be. There was a piece of me that wanted to scream her name and beg her for things to go back to the way they were before. And the minute I thought it, she closed her eyes with a swallow.

“I…” I began, but stopped myself.

She slouched and looked up with glossy eyes. “Don’t, Jess.”

“I can’t let… I won’t accept… I…” I stuttered fiercely, trying to figure out what would get her to speak to me. But I started laughing instead, and I shook my head. “Can we start over?” I asked. “Hello, Charlie Johnson. My name is Jesse Anders. And I don’t know why it’s so hard to talk to you.”

Her eyes closed again as she fought her tears. When she opened them again, she stood straighter. “You know why it’s hard—”

“I’m sorry,” I interrupted her.

“I know you are.”

I raked my hand through my hair and looked around the lobby. The sleet outside slapped against the windows and the soft music from the bar could be heard as it trickled into the space between us.

“Do you want to…” My voice faded.

She handed me my money with a harsh sigh, letting me know she wasn’t in the mood for our conversation.

“Don’t do this, Charlie. Please.”

“What do you want from me, Jesse?”

“You. I want you,” I said. My chest burned with the words as my heartbeat rattled inside my chest. “I want you in my life. I want you in my bed. I want you in my mouth. I want your words and your thoughts and your mind and your body.” I talked until I ran out of breath, and then I started again despite her tears. “I’ve wanted you since the day we met. And I don’t want to let another day or night or hour or minute slip by knowing I could’ve done something about it if I’d only just said it,” I added, exhausted from the past few seconds’ worth of outburst. “So I’m saying it.”

Angie walked past the bar and stopped when she saw me. Her eyes went to Charlie’s, then back to mine. Acknowledging that Charlie was okay, she nodded and went back to her tables.

“But I told you what would happen if we—”

“Fuck that. I don’t care what we’ve said up until this moment. We’ve talked a lot, Red. Too much has been
said
and nothing has been
done
. Please,” I begged, lowering my voice to a whisper. “Come home with me tonight.”

With her arms covered in goose bumps, she shivered. “And then what?” she asked with a sniff. “Then we’ll just figure it out, huh?”

I took a step back. I wasn’t sure what she was asking, but I didn’t like the look in her eyes.

“Are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend? Are you going to take me on dates?” She sniffed again. “Woo me, marry me, get a job, buy me a house, and we could have two point four temperamental children running around our white-picket-fenced-in yard?” She laughed sardonically. “You’re going to take care of me, Jess?”

I shook my head. “Is that what you want me to do?”

“I don’t want you to do anything,” she said, wrapping her arms across her chest. “Don’t you see? You haven’t thought this through. I come home with you tonight, and tomorrow I’m just another phone number. Why would I do that to myself?”

“Is that what you think you’d be?” My eyes widened. “Is that really what you think I’d do?”

“Chances are good.” Her chin quivered.

“You can’t blame me for something that hasn’t happened yet, Charlie,” I whispered, taking a step toward her. “Please. Give me a chance.”

She shook her head and the tears spilled from her eyes.

“Is this about what I said? What I said on my birthday? Because I don’t remember saying those words, Charlie. I swear to you. I don’t believe I said them.”

“It’s because of all of it—”

“I love you,” I blurted out.

She shook her head and covered her face. “You don’t. You think you do, but you don’t.”

I took a step back again and my stomach sank. If only she’d been inside my head for the past few months, if only she truly knew what she meant to me, she’d know her words weren’t true. She’d said them to hurt me or she’d said them because she didn’t want to believe me, but I had no choice but to repeat myself.

“I love you,” I whispered.

She stared at the floor, not budging in her conclusion, and there was nothing more I could do. I’d told her how I felt, and all I could do was wait.

Several slow seconds passed, and when it was clear she had nothing more to say, I nodded. “Here. Give this to your dad.” I set the envelope on the counter and walked out the front door.

Chapter Five

Charlie

“Hey?” Angie said.

I turned quickly, tearing my eyes away from Jesse’s fading silhouette in the parking lot. I’d followed him outside, but I hadn’t strayed from the sidewalk. “Hey.” I cleared my throat.

She held the door open, shivering, and the snow gathered on my shoulders. “Get back in here. You’ll freeze.” She tilted her head. “You okay?”

Reluctantly, I walked back in with my head spinning at Jesse’s words. “I think so.”

She sighed. “Are you going to the patio party in a few weeks?”

My eyes still searched for him through the window, but they never found him. “The what?”

“The patio party. You know, the grand opening of the patio?”

I closed my eyes. “It’s already that time of year?”

“I think this is just a freak storm. It’s supposed to be in the seventies next week.”

Twelve months had flown by; so much had happened. The person I was at that moment was so different from the one I’d been the last time I’d gotten dressed up for that stupid party.

I remembered thinking
Wow, seventeen pounds
. That’s how much I had lost by the same time last year. I’d dressed up for him. I’d wanted him to want me. I’d wanted to feel like I was worthy. And as I looked down to my arms, half the size they were last year, the number that came to mind
was one hundred and twelve.

The skin under my arms sagged, and the stretch marks on my belly had shrunk. My double chin had vanished and my cheekbones defined my face, making my eyes appear larger. Replacing my beloved ice cream with water had brightened my skin, and the necklaces, bracelets, and rings I’d gotten my whole life for birthdays and holidays now hung from my body with room to spare. A second-hand store had replaced all of my size 26 clothes with size 8s, and I’d never felt more beautiful in my life.

Or as empty.

My stomach pulled and twisted, and a lump formed in my throat.

“Thinking about Jesse?” Angie asked.

I’d always want Jesse. I’d always want him the way I wanted him that night on the patio so long ago. He’d always hold that intrigue for me. “As always,” I whispered.

“What’s in the envelope?” she asked, nudging her chin toward the counter.

I walked over and lifted the flap.

I pushed out a breath and tucked the flap back in. “Money he owed my dad, and…”

“And?”

“And a red queen,” I whispered. I looked at the ceiling, keeping the tears at bay. “A red queen from my chessboard.”

She took a step toward me and set her hand on my shoulder. “What happened to his…?” She paused and looked down.

“What? What happened to what?”

Her eyes shifted toward the kitchen. “I went back there to get a salad tonight and he’d just punched out. He wasn’t wearing a shirt.”

I raised a brow. “So?”

She exhaled, tugging on her lip. “His chest is covered in burn scars.”

I gasped, my hand covering my mouth. “It is?” With glossy eyes I shook my head, and her words sent a shiver down my spine. “Are you sure they were burns?”

“I’m no expert, but those weren’t knife or bullet scars, Charlie. They weren’t new, either. They were the color of his skin. Like he’d grown up since they happened,” she whispered.

Oh God.

“You can go home now, Charlie!” Adam said, startling us and wiping my name from the seating chart.

Angie looked at me, and without a word exchanged, her eyes told me she understood. She nodded and rubbed my shoulder. “Go.”

“But if I go, he’s going to think…”

“Stop thinking about everyone else for once! Think about
you
. What do
you
need?” Her eyes pleaded with me. “Let him think what he wants. He’s going to anyway.” She laughed without humor. “Look, I’ve known you for almost twenty years, Charlie. I don’t have a single memory without you in it. We grew up together.” She took my hands in hers. “And I’ve never seen anyone transform like you have. I know why you wanted him. I always knew.”

I furrowed my brow and shook my head. “What do you mean?”

She frowned with a nod. “Because he’s a bully. He’s every guy who’s ever teased you, left fat jokes in your locker or bags of food on your seat. And Jesse gave you whatever answer you were looking for as to why mean people do what they do.” She grinned. “He’s an asshole who happened to fall in love with you. And look at you.” A wide smile stretched across Angie’s face. “You’re gorgeous.”

I nodded, another shiver running over my arms as she pulled them out at my sides.

“You’re a different person now,” she added. “No one can tell you that you aren’t good enough. And you can’t tell me that you haven’t thought about his timing.”

“What? What do you mean?”

She rolled her eyes. “One of the sexiest sons a’bitches in the fucking state suddenly wants you in his bed. Now? After all this time? Now that you’re half the size you were, you’re suddenly worthy. Can’t you see, Charlie? He’ll be using you as much as you’ll be using him.”

“I can’t justify playing with his emotions like that. Not when a night like that could hurt him more.”

She shook her head. “He’s still a bully. He’ll always be an asshole. Do what you have to do,” she said. “Just be careful. Look out for yourself. Stop thinking about how everyone else is going to feel about it—starting with Jesse Anders.”

I couldn’t argue with her but I couldn’t admit it, either. Jesse and I were never that black and white, but I certainly hadn’t considered that was who he was for me. Maybe everything I’d done over the past year was to get to that point. Maybe Ryan had even been some kind of stepping stone in my subconscious, thinking I needed experience before engaging in a night with Jess.

If this was some kind of test for myself, I was failing. I had no idea what to do.

Jesse meant a lot to me, in more ways than I’d ever fathom. He’d been everything I’d thought about for a year. Through every lost pound. Every counted calorie. Every anxiety attack. Every heartbeat. And I wanted nothing more than to be with him.

My instincts weren’t always right, but I found myself grabbing my purse and running out the door anyway.

***

Jesse’s car was the only one in the driveway, and I walked into his house without knocking. The snow had stopped, and the brown grass was draped in white. I was met with silence in the entryway, but I heard my own heartbeat thump inside my ears. A dark stairwell led up the steps to the kitchen, but a light shone from underneath the door at the bottom of the steps.

Taking the stairs down slowly, I checked my hands. Still good. The closer I got, the more mumbling I heard, then pieces of paper crumpling. I set my hand on the knob and took two long breaths.

I opened the door and he didn’t see me right away. He sat in the corner at a desk, with his hand furiously scribbling something on a piece of paper. His knee bounced, his hand trembled, and a small lamp shone a dim spotlight onto his pages.

I could have turned around. Maybe I should have. If I’d had any foresight about that night, I would’ve seen that nothing good would come of my being there. But I wanted to show him it didn’t always have to be like it was between us. He’d had times when he understood me like I understood him. We’d laughed in desperate times and cried in happy ones. We’d seen a part of each other that we’d shown no one else.

But my presence rode a slippery slope. In his mind, there could only be one reason I was there. But declaring my love for him was the furthest thing from my mind.

With bad, there was good.

With light, there was dark.

With always, there was never.

I cleared my throat and waited.

He froze, kept his head down, and stopped tapping his pen. His head turned first, and then his green T-shirt wrinkled as his whole body faced mine.

The pen dropped, his knee stopped, and his Adam’s apple bobbed with a deep swallow.

“Holy shit,” he whispered, blinking twice.

I’m selfish.

“You’re here,” he added.

I’m cruel.

“How did you…?”

But I’ve never needed anything more in my life.

“You asked,” I breathed, feeling dizzy. “So I came.”

I was selfish and cruel because beautiful boys like Jesse didn’t touch ugly girls like me. And I wanted one night with a man like him. I wanted to say
fuck you
to the Aaron Paulsons, the snickering mall-goers, and the whispering diners who’d always told me I was nothing. That I was nobody.

Angie was right: I was going to use him.

He stood, and then sidestepped the couch, quickening his pace. I backed up against the wall and closed my eyes, waiting for his breath on my lips. I’d barely inhaled before I felt it.

He cradled my cheeks roughly, his fingers slipping behind my ears. His jaw scratched my chin from days of not shaving, and his lips pried my mouth open.

Our first real kiss was everything I wanted it to be and everything it shouldn’t have been. His body responded to me, but not his mind. His delusions only fed into the thought that this would be forever, and I’d said goodbye to those delusions months ago.

He was rough, passionate, and untamed. His tongue swept over mine, and soon I felt his erection press against me.

My arms flew up over my head as he held my wrists firmly with one hand, his other finding the hem of my shirt.

“Jess,” I tried to say, turning my mouth away from his.

His fingertips had already found my bra, but he pulled back with my voice. We panted heavily, and his breath warmed my neck as he rested his forehead against my cheek.

“Take me to your bed,” I whispered.

He kissed my lips gently and took my hand as he led me up the steps.