Promposal (19 page)

“No, don't be sorry. Friends are supposed to be there for each other.” He gave a heavy, painful sigh. “Besides, I bought a ticket last week, just in case.”

My eyes filled with tears and my throat tightened. I reached over and hugged him. “Really? So you'll go?”

He hugged me back. “Like I'd miss the opportunity to see you dolled up. You're going to look fabulous.”

“You will too. I can't imagine any guy in there who will rock a tux harder than you will.”

He laughed. “Girl, please. We both know that's the truth.”

“As long as you save all the good dances for me.” I'd do my best to make sure Joshua had a great time at prom. That he wouldn't be hurting badly over Ethan.

Suddenly I felt renewed, even a touch excited at the thought of dress shopping. No, it wasn't what I'd wanted to happen. But I'd
have a great night with my best friend. I would stop holding Zach at arm's length and actually make an effort to friend him. Not this half-assed wading-through-life thing I'd been doing the last few weeks.

I was done with being down. Joshua needed me, and I was determined to be there for him.

We finished our homework, and he headed home. I put my homework away in my room and stretched out on my bed, arms crossed behind my head. I probably wasn't going to stop having these feelings for Benjamin for a long time. But that was okay—or it would be, anyway. He'd impacted my life in ways he didn't know. I found myself thinking deeper, examining music and books in a way I never had before.

Hmm. That reminded me—hadn't he suggested a book to me the last time we'd talked, at my locker? Shit, what was it he'd said, and why hadn't I written it down?

I scrambled to think. Ah, that was the day I'd found Karen in the bathroom, crying over no one asking her to prom. I'd gotten distracted.

Cyrano de something or other. Yeah, that was it. All I knew about Cyrano was my mom watching some eighties movie based on the book, where the romantic lead had a huge nose or something.

I jumped up and rushed to my computer. Oh, wow. Apparently the whole thing was available online. I opened it and began to read, starting with the summary.

The air locked in my lungs, and I stared dumbly at my screen.
No way.
There was no way Benjamin would be giving me a message like this. Would he? That was crazy. I read the summary
again. The two men in the play were close. Both had feelings for the same woman. And Cyrano had to push aside his feelings so his friend could woo her and win her hand.

What had he said specifically to me? That I'd find it “illuminating.”

My stomach began a wild flutter, like a thousand butterflies were trying to burst free. Oh my God. If this was true . . .

Maybe Benjamin liked me a lot after all.

I
picked at my school salad with my fork. The lettuce was veering on limp, and the oily dressing gave the greens a greasy look. I shot an exaggerated frown at Camilla. “How do you eat this stuff all the time?”

“You're just picky.” She dug into her salad with gusto. “It's not that bad if you eat it fast.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a winning plan. I must be the only one in our whole school who doesn't find this satisfying.” I snorted.

Ignoring me, she finished chewing her bite, then put her fork down. Dabbed the corners of her mouth with her napkin. Then she drew in a deep breath and spun in her chair to face me. “Can I talk to you about something that seems
really
crazy at first but actually might not be?”

“Sounds right up my alley.” I grinned.

Her eyes grew serious as she leaned toward me. “So . . . I think Benjamin gave me a secret message that he likes me. But I'm not sure if I'm reading into it or not. I was up for hours last night
thinking about it, and it's driving me batty, and I need another person's perspective.”

Wow. “A secret message? That sounds fun. What did it say?”

“Well . . .” She chewed on her lip and glanced away. “Okay, it wasn't like a text or note or anything. It was a book.”

“He gave you a book?”

“No, no.” She waved a hand. “Let me explain.”

Over the next couple of minutes, Camilla summed up the notes she and Benjamin had passed back and forth in class, discussing books and music and stuff. How they'd been giving each other recommendations and analyzing them. Of course, this had happened before she'd asked him out.

“So last week, out of the blue, he told me I should read
Cyrano de Bergerac
, but I forgot all about it. He hasn't mentioned anything to me since, and I can't figure out why. Either A, I didn't read it quickly enough and he's too embarrassed to bring it up now, or B, I'm reading more into the book's meaning than he meant and it wasn't that big of a deal.” She pursed her lips and turned pleading eyes to me. “And the thing is, I really can't tell which it might be. Because he was pretty firm in telling me to read the book. So it has to mean something, right? I'm not just being weird here?”

I dug through my memory bank. “Hmm. That's the one where the ugly guy likes the hot girl, and his hot friend likes her too, right?”

She nodded.

“But . . . didn't the girl also like the hot guy or something?”

“Yeah. Both guys liked the girl, but at first she only liked the handsome one, not Cyrano. It's not a perfect fit for our situation, but I don't know if that matters here. I
for sure
do not like Zach like
that, and Benjamin knows it.” She sighed. “But I'm too afraid to ask him what he actually meant.”

“Because if it wasn't a message about him having feelings for you, it will hurt to find that out.” I gave her a sympathetic smile.

“And I'll be even more mortified than I already am.” She bit her thumbnail. “So I'm stuck—what do I do? Should I mention I read the play and see what he says? Or has it been too long now?”

I rubbed my jaw. “I know it's tempting to read into it—and trust me, I don't blame you. I'd be doing the exact same thing. But the guy hasn't said anything to you since then, right?”

She shook her head, her face miserable. “But I don't know if that's because I hadn't read it yet and he's waiting for me to. Maybe this was him putting the ball in my court.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“You don't sound sure.”

“I guess I feel like if he's going to tell you something, wouldn't he be more obvious and open about it? That seems too subtle. Would he make you work this hard to figure out he likes you? After all, since all this began, he hasn't given you any signs that he's into you. This just seems too random.”

She sucked in a loud breath. “Well . . .”

I raised an eyebrow. “Whoa. Are you holding back on me?”

“We . . .” She leaned closer and whispered in my ear, “We did kiss. A while ago, while working on our psych project at the mall.”

“Why didn't you tell me?” Part of me was hurt by her silence.

“Because it didn't happen again. And I felt dumb. And . . .” She flushed, her cheeks staining a pretty pink. “I just—I wanted to savor it. If that makes sense.”

I nodded. I got it. If the guy I loved kissed me, it would be too
special to blab about to everyone. Still . . . “I'm your best friend. You know I wouldn't have gossiped about it to anyone.” The irony of the situation struck me, and my guilt flared. Ethan had been upset at me for keeping secrets too.

“I know. I'm sorry.” She gave me a chagrined smile. “After a while, it seemed like it was a nonevent, since nothing happened. So I tried to forget it happened. Until he told me to read that book. Which is why I'm torn.”

I sipped my Dr Pepper. “Yeah, that does change things a bit.” I rested my hands on my thighs. “But I don't know. I feel like he could be much more open if he was telling you he liked you. Even with his cousin liking you too. That seems awfully subtle.”

“Yeah. I guess you're right.” She poked at her salad, eyes downturned, back hunched over.

I hated making her sad. But I also didn't want to fill her with false hope if he was just going to hurt her feelings again. “I'm sorry. Maybe I'm wrong.” I nudged her with my side to get her to look at me and offered a small smile. “Wouldn't be the first time.”

“Hey, guys.” Ethan plopped down in the seat beside me and opened his lunch bag. “Sorry I'm late. I had to talk to my German teacher.”

I blinked and stared at him, my jaw practically hitting the ground. Even Camilla was quiet as we both sat there, shocked.

Ethan's eyebrows shot up. “What? Am I not allowed to sit here anymore?”

“Um, no, by all means.” I waved at the seat.

He gave me a brief nod, then bit into his sandwich. I ripped my gaze away and fixed my attention back on my pathetic salad. It was hard, forcing myself to eat, but that was better than letting myself
think about how very, very close he was to me. I could feel the heat of his body pouring into my side. His thigh even brushed mine for a fraction of a second as he shifted in his seat. And that familiar scent of his skin and bodywash wafted toward me.

Don't you dare close your eyes and breathe him in,
I ordered myself. In punishment for my weakness, I ate a huge bite of crappy salad.

Ethan made small talk with David and Ashley, whose hands were pretty much cemented together now. Since their promposal, I hadn't seen them apart. Funny how that crush he'd had on Karen had faded when he was faced with real, sweet, true affection. Ashley was good for him, and it made me glad to see them working out.

It also made me painfully aware of how much I missed my easy relationship with Ethan. Those extended days of silence after my confession had stung me immeasurably. For the hundred thousandth time, I wished I hadn't told him how I felt.

Well, that wasn't quite true. I wished he'd reacted differently.

But he was here now, and maybe that meant he was ready to pretend like it never happened, for us to go back to being friends. Could we? Was that what I wanted?

Yes.

And no.

It was so hard not to confront him and ask him what was going on with us. And with Noah. How had the promposal gone—had Noah said yes? I'd be damned if I asked Ethan about it, though. And somehow I doubted he'd offer up details anyway.

“—don't you think, Joshua?” Ethan was saying.

I stiffened, caught off guard. I hadn't paid attention to the conversation. “Uh . . .”

David rolled his eyes and grinned. “We're talking about how fast the school year is flying now that it's almost over.”

“Yeah. It sure is.” My heart gave a dull ache, and I stood. I needed a moment to gather myself before I could sit here and fake like everything was okay. Just a minute to tuck my raw feelings deep down in my chest. “I'm gonna get a piece of cake. I'll be back in a sec.”

I didn't want cake. But it was a handy excuse to escape. I walked through the line and grabbed a plate of carrot cake. To help shake off my inner tension, I listened to the casual conversations around me. I moved as slowly as I could to the cashier.

It worked. As I headed back to the table, my happy mask was back in place. I sat down and dug into my cake, even though I didn't taste a thing. Smiled and laughed at jokes. Camilla shot me a concerned glance, but I kept up the facade and served her a cheeky wink. She wasn't fooled, but she didn't call me out on it.

Ethan, however, was totally fooled. For once. Go figure.

The bell ending lunch rang. It was incredibly hard to stand and walk away from the table like I didn't have a care in the world. All I wanted to do was grab Ethan by the shoulders and ask him why he didn't love me.

After I dumped my trash, I turned and almost ran face-first into Ethan. He laughed and held his hands up to keep me from falling over. “Whoa, you okay?” he asked.

My smile was brittle; the facade was cracking. “I'm fine, thanks.”

I saw a flare in his eyes, but it was gone before I could label the emotion. He gave me a polite smile. “Okay. I'll see you later.”

He strolled out the door, and I had to fight to keep from running after him. I just couldn't do it. I'd laid everything on the line in
the library. Had bared my heart to him, told him I loved him. If he wanted to talk, it was up to him.

Camilla came up and threaded her arm through mine. “You okay?”

We left the caf. “I will be,” I answered her. Ethan's figure was absorbed into the crowd, and he disappeared. I sighed. “That was so hard.”

“I know.” She rested her head on my upper arm for a moment. “My first impulse was to yell at you to go talk to him. But I already knew what you'd say to that.”

I kissed her forehead and gave her a gentle smile. “It's out of my hands. If Ethan wants to pretend things are normal, I'll just have to pretend right along with him until they are.” And someday it wouldn't hurt as much as it did right now.

We went our separate ways. I stopped by my locker to grab my books for class. I shuffled down the hallway, and in the entryway of a classroom I saw Tyler clutching Madison's hands. Her face had hesitation written all over it.

I slipped closer.

“—messed up, Mad. I realize that now,” Tyler was saying. He sucked in a ragged breath. I could see the intensity in his eyes as he stared at Madison. Like she was everything to him. I'd never seen him that serious before.

She swallowed, and her hands began to shake. Her back was stiff, but her eyes were locked on him. “You really hurt me.”

“I did. And it was wrong. I made you feel like you were unimportant. Like you weren't worth my best effort. It's taken me a while to understand it, but I do now.” He dropped down to one knee and dug into his pocket. With flourish, Tyler revealed a
ridiculously huge Ring Pop with a shiny red candy stone on top.