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‘I’m
petrified,’ I repeat, ‘of what I feel for you, for the danger that I’m putting
us all in.  I walk around permanently afraid, I am weak,’ I whisper. 
‘I hate that trait in a person.’

Nate
moves us over to the sofa, grabbing a box of tissues along the way. He sits and
brings me onto his lap, I lay against the crook of his neck and take a tissue
from his outstretch hand. 

‘Babe,
I’m in love with you, you think I’m not scared, you think I want to open myself
up for the hurt that could potentially bring?’ His lips find my hair. ‘You
think I didn’t fight it?’ He whispers.

‘You
fought it?’ I whisper back.

‘Yeah,
I fought it.  Fell in love with you the moment those hazel eyes hit mine,’
he admits, romantically. ‘So sad, and yet totally mesmerising,’ he adds. 
‘I was a goner, knew it the moment you refused to tell me your name.’

‘That’s
so sweet,’ I sniff.

‘Fuck,
you going to cry over sweet stuff too?’ He teases.

‘Yes!’
I snap, playfully.

‘Come
on Soph, take a chance on us,’ he cajoles.

‘My
life is in London,’ I remind him, ‘I have a business, a flat, friends, what am
I supposed to do with that?’

‘I
get you would be giving up a lot for me,’ he declares.  ‘Here, you already
have friends, people that love you, a home with me, a business in Krystal if
you wanted it, although I understand if it’s too early for all of that.’

‘I
don’t know if I can go back to Krystal, Nate,’ I shudder at the thought of
standing in Jessie’s where Myer’s put his grubby hands all over me.

‘Then
we stay here, this is where I live, I work, you can take your time in deciding
what you want to do next.  There’s no pressure, I got you.’

‘You
want me to move in?’ I glance up into his thoughtful face, gorgeous but
serious.

‘Fuck
yeah, you choose me, you stay by my side,’ he asserts.  ‘I’m thirty-six
years old, and I know when something is real.  Me and you, we are real,
Sophie Parker,’ he states.  ‘All the other shit, we deal with when it
comes along.  I get that bastard getting a hand on you has cut you deep,
but we keep on making them good memories and the bad will eventually
fade.  Look what we have achieved in just over a week of just us,’ he
shakes his head.  ‘Babe, you’re everything that I want and need and a
whole lot more besides, you gotta decide whether I am enough for you,’ he
proclaims.

I
snort, ‘Bloody hell, Nate, are you kidding me?’

His
lips tilt, ‘say what?’

‘You
are more than enough for me, that was never the issue,’ I explain. 

‘Then
what’s the issue?’ He pushes.

‘Say
I stay here, we settle, I stop looking over my shoulder and bam!  It all
disappears, you are hurt or worse, that would stop at my door, baby.  I
can’t risk that.  The other way around, I am hurt or worse, you take
revenge, you get hurt or worse.  If I go home, no one will look to you or
your family, you all stay safe.’

‘That’s
like saying don’t cross the road just in case you get run down!’ He
scoffs.  ‘Life is a risk, babe.  I am willing to take that risk on
you, be nice if you could reciprocate.’

I
gaze into his glorious gaze and know I am being played. ‘Emotional blackmail,
seriously?’ I arch an eyebrow.

He
grins.  I send a teary grin back.

‘You
want forever with me?’ I question.

‘Yeah
babe, you want that with me?’ He murmurs, softly.

‘I
could only dream of forever with you,’ tears fill my vision.

His
thumb catches a tear, ‘I love you, Sophie Parker,’ his lips find mine and
seduce me entirely.

********

‘I’m
coming back!’ I urge, Nate.

He
doesn’t look convinced.  We are at departures, at DIA.  After
agreeing to stay in Denver with Nate, I had announced that I would, however, be
keeping my flight home today. 

I
needed to touch base with the salon and work out what I intend to do with it,
sell it or become a silent partner?  I also had to face Shauna personally
and inform her that her worst nightmare had indeed come true, and I would be
staying in Denver with the love of my life.  She knew I was sleeping with
him, or she did, I haven’t spoken to her other than briefly find an excuse why
Nate was chasing up my whereabouts last week.

I
had avoided telling her the truth over the phone about the assault and my
meeting with my dad, determining that needed to be a face to face conversation.
Instead, I had updated her that I had needed some space and had taken myself
off for a while.  Shauna knew me well, taking myself off was something
that did I regularly when I felt hemmed in, or things were going a little crazy
around me.  I had promised her a complete rundown on the happenings in Krystal
when I arrived home.  She permitted my vagueness only because I had
assured her that I would be home shortly, and she could pin me down for
details.

There
was also the matter of my flat.  I had a two-bedroom flat in Battersea,
which I adored.  It was something that I scrimped and saved for, something
I craved for myself.  A place of my own where I could be myself.  I
was proud of my achievements in life, even if they came at a price, one of the
costs being accepting my dad’s money. I wasn’t proud of this fact.

I
hadn’t heard a thing from my father since my call to find out where to collect
the money to pay the drug dealer, last week.  Nate had spoken to him
twice, but I had no desire to converse with him.  I had nothing to say to him.
He’d been a stranger for the first thirty-one years of my life and knowing what
little bit I did disgusted me, he couldn’t improve on that.

‘Maybe
I should come with you,’ Nate runs an anxious hand through his hair, clearly
uncomfortable with me leaving him in Denver.

‘Nate,
I have things to tie up.  My business, my home,’ I remind him.  We
had been through all of this last night.  Nate wanted me to sell up all my
connections in England, rather than keep them, stating he wants us to build a
life together here in Denver.  He didn’t want me keeping them as a safety
net, he wanted my full commitment to him, which in his eyes meant detaching
from my old life.

‘I
can’t protect you over there,’ his troubled gaze finds mine, and I almost melt
at the love apparent in them.

‘I
will be there a couple of weeks, at most’ I promised. ‘I need to speak to
Shauna, collect some more of my belongings and speak to my staff.’

‘Maybe
I should speak to your dad, get Kris back on the case,’ he suggests, absently.

‘No,
Nate.  You are the one that stressed the importance of us leaving the
danger behind and living our lives regardless.  You can’t have it both
ways,’ I glare.

‘Okay,’
he nods, pulling me into his arms.  ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to worry
you,’ he relents. ‘Call me when you land,’ he commands. ‘Shauna picking you
up?’

I
kiss his jaw, ‘yeah, going to miss you,’ I purr up into his anxious gaze,
engraving it on my memory.

‘Me
too, babe,’ he palms my jaw and kisses me long and hard. 

‘You
going down to Krystal to sort out the suspension?’ I confirm, once his lips had
left mine.

‘Yeah,
my boss doesn’t see it as a problem, there’s no one to confirm his version of
events,’ he confides.  ‘It will be fine, babe.’

‘In
future, you share information like that with the woman you love, yeah?’ I scold
him, mildly.

We
had discussed Nate’s suspension the night before, Nate being extremely pissed
that Ellie had laid that on me.  I had defended her by insisting that if
he had told me himself, I wouldn’t have had to hear it from his sister. 

His
lips re-found mine, and kissed me quiet, ‘don’t you forget,’ his thumb brushed
my cheek.

‘Forget?’
I echo.

‘How
much I love you,’ his lips tilt up to one side, providing me a glimpse of that dimple
that sends my insides mushy. 

I
grin, ‘I won’t forget,’ I whisper.

‘Just
saying, still waiting, babe,’ his eyes hold mine.

‘Still
waiting?’ His spellbinding gaze hypnotises me.

‘Fuck
if there isn’t a fucking echo in here,’ his lips twitch.  ‘Still waiting
for you to tell me how you feel,’ he adds.

‘You
know how I feel,’ I push myself wantonly against him.

‘Still
wanna hear it, London.  You work on that, yeah?’ I look up and know he
doesn’t look too put out by my reluctance to pronounce my feelings.  I
have never told anyone I love them before; it doesn’t come easily to me
expressing my emotions.

‘I’ll
work on that, Nate,’ I step up and kiss him quick, ‘got to go, baby.’

Another
long, wet kiss and I walk away, my stomach tingling, I already miss him.

********

Shauna,
with a pink form strapped to her chest, beams as I step into the arrivals at
Heathrow airport.  I wave, grinning hugely as I step around the crowd to
reach my best pal.

We
hug, as much as we can with a baby in between us, and she directs me to the car
park where her vehicle awaits. 

‘I
have missed you,’ she grins.  ‘How are things?’

‘All
good,’ I assure her, ‘how’s this little bundle?’ I ask.

‘Hard
work,’ she rolls her eyes, but her smile is bright.

My
eyelids are drooping before we reach my flat.  As we pull up I yawn. 
‘Do you mind if I just hop out?’ I call over to Shauna, who is fiddling with
the baby from the front seat. ‘I am fit to drop.’

‘Of
course not, that’s fine, lunch tomorrow?’ She tests.

‘Lunch
tomorrow!’ I hug her tight, ‘good to see you, babe.’

‘Good
to have you home, Soph,’ she responds. 

My
stomach dips, Shauna is going to be extremely pissed at my news. 

I
wake up at eleven the following morning, jet lag sticking to the lids of my
eyes. I had notified Nate, by text, when I had arrived home safely telling him
that I was heading directly for bed.  He had immediately called, I
answered, we ended up having a long conversation of whispered promises before I
fell into a dreamless sleep.

I
slept well in my own bed, and I have to say it felt great to be in my own
environment, amongst all my belongings. But, I missed waking to Nate, his arms
wrapped around me, his lips moving over my body.  My stomach
flutters.  I lay and gaze at the ceiling, I need to wind things up pronto
and get back to building a future with the man I love.  I smile, me being
in love still astounds me, I could eat, breath and sleep Nate and still never
get bored with him.

I
shower and dress for lunch with Shauna. I debate my jeans, but decide that Nate
is right why let Myers change who I am.  I had been dubious about appearing
slutty with my clothes since the assault.  It was hard, but I forced
myself to wear one of my short shift dresses with a linen jacket and stockings,
as the weather was fine but chilly.  I was going on to the salon, so
applied my work makeup and styled my hair as if it was a normal work day.

Sitting
in the busy restaurant, my friends face drops.

‘What
the fuck, Sophie!’ Shauna looks devastated.  ‘Why didn’t you tell me,
actually why didn’t you immediately fly home?’

‘I
wasn’t actually in any state to fly home, Shauna,’ I express.

‘I
knew you shouldn’t have gone all that way by yourself,’ she tuts, pushing
another spoonful of baby rice into Emily-Jane’s mouth.  ‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah,
Nate brought me to his loft in Denver and made everything alright,’ I smile. ‘I
was a mess,’ I confide, ‘but things are good, we are positive that the bastard
being arrested and not given bail, will signal the end of everything.’

‘But
the debt still hasn’t been paid?’ She checks, her thought process similar to
mine.

‘No,’
a curling hits me in my gut at her expressing the one niggle that I still
have. 

‘Then
it’s a good job you’re home now, how did you not know this about Ollie,
Sophie?’ She shakes her head in disgust at the knowledge of my brother being so
heavily into drugs.

‘I
don’t know,’ I mumble, disappointedly.  ‘You met Ollie, would you have
said he was a druggie?’  Shauna had met Ollie during his visit last summer
when we had spent many a night having dinner together, along with Shauna’s
husband.  Everyone had loved Ollie, he was a kind and gentle soul. 
There was no way there were any outward signs of drug usage.

‘Absolutely
not!  Do you think it was a new thing?’ She asks, softly.

‘The
amount of debt, I doubt it,’ I scoff.  I need to tell Shauna my
plans.  ‘Babe,’ I call, she glances over, and a cloud moves over her gaze.

‘You’re
going back,’ she states, reading my regretful expression.

‘I
love him, Shauna,’ I whisper.  ‘I’ve never loved a man before.’

‘And
the drug dealer?’ The baby becomes unsettled, and Shauna lifts her out of the
highchair.  ‘Okay baby,’ she coos, attempting to settle her.

‘We
are going to deal with it together,’ I express.  ‘I have to take this
chance of happiness, Shauna,’ I assert.  ‘You can all visit, whenever you like,
and I’ll come and see you guys.’

Shauna
sends me a look of resignation, ‘I know I should be happy for you, and I am honest. 
Only, I worry about you Sophie, and now there seems there is more to worry
about.  Are you not sure you’re not knee-jerking, clinging onto Nate to
protect you?’

‘Nate
and I were already together before the attack happened, Shauna,’ I
defend.  I didn’t like that she was disrespecting mine and Nate’s
relationship.  She didn’t know Nate, hadn’t seen us together, how could
she judge?  ‘Contrary to what you believe, I am more than capable of
realising love when I find it.’

‘That’s
not fair,’ she jiggles the baby in her arms. ‘I am only thinking of you,’ her
voice is hurt.

‘You
are like family to me, Shauna. I’m sorry if you think I'm selfish, or stupid,
but it’s time I had someone for me, someone who loves me unconditionally. 
Nate gives me that, and more besides.  You have that, why do you not want
that for me?’ I query, unfairly.

‘I
do want that for you, but can’t you do it here, rather than the other side of
the world?’ She sends me a look of distress.

‘I
didn’t go to Denver with the intention of falling in love,’ I remind her, ‘but,
do you know what?  On this occasion, I am thinking of me, and me
alone.  I love Nate, he wants forever with me, wants babies with me. 
I am not denying myself that for you, or anyone, and I’m not going to apologize
for it either.’

She
gazes at me, mouth ajar.  ‘He wants forever with you?’ She asks
softly. 

I
nod, ‘and babies.’

‘Wow!’
Shauna exhales a deep breath before her shoulders deflate, in resignation.
‘Then who am I to comment,’ she murmurs, ‘I’m sorry, Sophie.  I am thinking
of me, I love you like a sister,’ she provides me a weak smile.  ‘I’m
going to miss you.’

‘I’m
going to miss you, too,’ I whisper, ‘but I am only a plane journey away.’

She
nods, but looks far from convinced.

The
salon goes just as well as my lunch with Shauna.  Charley was dumbfounded
that I was up and moving to America.  She confided that she didn’t have
the finances to buy the Salon off of me, but expressed her competence at
running it as a manager.  I told her I would think about it and for now,
maybe we worked on the idea that she would manage it until I decided what I was
going to do.  She pleaded with me not to consider selling, but asked if I
did, that I discuss it with her first to enable her to speak to her accountant.

I
left the salon feeling exhausted through justifying my actions, as I did with
Shauna.

When
I arrive home, I call a few garages to see how much they would give me for my
Range Rover Evoque, before making myself a sandwich for dinner.  I love my
car and am miserable that I won’t be driving it any longer. I feel like I am
giving up everything that is familiar to me, which unsettles me
immensely. 

When
Nate calls me, he can sense the weariness in my tone.

‘You
okay, babe?’ He soothes, gently.

I
run through my day with him, explaining how I feel about having to validate my
decision to move to the other side of the world, and immediately sense the
vibrations of his discontent.

‘What
the fuck has it got to do with anyone else?’ He complains. ‘Why the hell are
you justifying it?’

‘I
don’t know,’ I sigh, ‘it’s just more difficult than I imagined,’ I admit.

The
line goes silent, before a tight voice enquires, ‘you having second thoughts?’