Pull Me Closer (Suits in Pursuit) (19 page)

She swallowed hard.
“I, I don’t know. I didn’t plan for this to happen. This is all new to me. I was lost in the moment, and well, I was ready, okay.” Closing her eyes, she sighed. “I’m not a child, don’t I get a say?”

The inflection in his voice
rose as his patience dwindled. “You’re not ready and no, you don’t get a say! What kind of man do you think I am? I’ll decide when we’re both ready.”

He hadn’t meant to scare her with his
reaction, but he didn’t know how to explain why he had reacted so badly to her news. He watched her intently as she trembled at his words.

Eyes blinking fast and darting, her lips curved down.
“Are you upset with me because I’m a virgin? I’m sorry.”

He softened his tone.
“Of course I’m not upset with you for being a virgin. I’m upset about what I almost did without knowing. Kerrigan, last night you were in tears at the thought of me getting too close, too quickly.” Slowly lifting his head, he brought his eyes to hers.” You’re not ready. I won’t touch you until you are. I certainly won’t let your first time be on a desk in my study.”

Tiny wrinkles appeared across her forehead as she frowned.
“I didn’t know this would upset you so much. Axel, I’m sorry. I thought you wanted this.”

He lowered his face into his hand, grabbing his forehead.
“Kerrigan, I do want this, I want you, but I had no idea. You can’t give yourself to me just because you think that’s what I want. Virginity isn’t the kind of thing you spring on a guy after the fact. You’re not ready. Go get your things and let’s go.”

Her shoulders slumped.
“Aren’t we spending the day together?” Slowly, she turned away.

Seeing her hurt and confused expression, he inhaled, closed his eyes and shook his head.
“I don’t know.”

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

She never thought Axel would
reject her for being a virgin. She was humiliated. Obviously she’d never felt like a whore before, but feeling like a hard-up virgin slut was probably a close second.

“I’ll go get my things.”
The sting of rejection burned in her throat, and her voice cracked.

Almost
in tears again for the second time in less than twenty-four hours, she spun around and ran as fast as she could move her legs to the guest room, her legs quaking beneath her. She slammed the door behind her and locked it, then slumped to the floor beside the bed. Her tears flowed freely down her face as she clung to herself, and shuddered and shook uncontrollably. In less than a week, she had managed to screw up her first chance at a real relationship with a man she found irresistible. He didn’t want some inexperienced little girl. He wanted a woman. She gathered her few belongings and placed them on a chair next to the bed.

After washing her face to
remove the evidence of her tears, she resolved to forget the last two days. She had been stupid to think she could have a future with a man like him. He was out of her league. Better to end this now before things went too far. If she felt this badly after mere weeks, she could only imagine her heartbreak if she had gotten more deeply involved and he broke up off with her later. She would put on her proverbial mask and go back to pretending everything was normal—he was her boss, she was his employee. Their few moments of indiscretion could be swept under the rug. Nothing unforgivable had happened between them.

Shit!
He pounded his fist hard on the desk’s surface after she left. He was pissed with Kerrigan for not telling him that she was a virgin when he could have easily had his way with her. He was upset the most about how he had handled the situation. He had pushed her away, and he was sure he had seen tears in her eyes before she ran off. This was the very sort of thing that had led him to the notion of no-strings-attached sex as the best choice for him.

He had three options as he saw it. Option one—he could let her go, forget everything that had happened between them and let things go back to the way they were. Option two—he could offer her a healthy severance agreement, get rid of her and forget she existed. Option three—he could be honest, confront his past and move forward with the woman who had seized his every thought, invaded his senses, captured his heart and made him feel as if there were hope for love to blossom. After serious internal debate, he stood and made his way to the door. The only choice that could be made was the one that inflicted the least pain on Kerrigan.

He tried twisting the knob, but the door was locked.

“I’ll be right out.”

Kerrigan’s shaky and unsteady voice forced a twinge of pain through his chest. The last thing he ever wanted to do was to hurt her. “Kerrigan, may I please come in?” His tone was tender and calm. He was about to do the hardest thing he’d ever have to do.

“Here I am. I’m ready.” The door flung open, and there she was with all her things in hand. The sheen in her eyes gave her away. She had been crying.

His voice was low and husky, his face riddled with remorse. “I really don’t want you to leave yet. I owe you an apology and an explanation.”

“It’s okay Axel. It’s probably for the best. Let’s just stop this now before things get out of hand. We will never work out. I’ve been caught up in my emotions. I’m not thinking with my head. Let’s go back to the way things were before … all this,” she said, gesturing with her arms waving between them. “Let’s forget the past few weeks.”

“Kerrigan, what’s happening between us has been going on a helluva lot longer than a few weeks, and I don’t want to forget a single minute. Everything I said is true. I want you, only you. I want to know everything about you. What happened in my office brought some painful memories back from a long time ago.”

She shifted from one foot to the next, looking pass him to avoid his face. “Let’s just keep things professional between us. I’m no good at this relationship stuff.”

He was going to break through to her again. Cupping her delicate face with his large hands, he stared into her eyes. “No, I won’t go back to the way things were before. There’s something so powerful between us, I couldn’t ignore my feelings if I tried. I was a jerk. Will you at least give me a chance to explain?”

The way she leaned into his touch, he knew the icy cage that held her emotions captive was melting away.

“Okay. Explain.” Her tone was stern, but he was glad for the opportunity.

“There’s something I need to show you. Will you come with me?”

He held out his hand to her, and she accepted. His pace slow, deliberately enjoying the feel of her hand in his and delaying what was to come. They walked in silence with their fingers intermingled until he led them back to his office.

Axel released her hand and pointed to the large leather sofa opposite the front of his oak desk. “Will you sit there while I look for something?” He dug through a wooden file cabinet and retrieved a thick gray file folder, and then made his way to the sofa where she sat. He sat in the chair next to the sofa, avoiding proximity to her and the electricity between them that made them both rage out of control.

Axel searched the folder until he found a stack of worn and yellowed newspaper clippings. He held one in his hand and stared at the clipping, the article had resurrected pain, angering him to the point that fire behind his eyes nearly scorched the paper.

Sucking in a deep breath, he handed the clipping to Kerrigan without looking at her. “What I’m about to share with you is my darkest secret and biggest source of pain.” His chest pounded. “I’ve never shared this with anyone except close family members. Read, then ask any questions you’d like.”

He knew this was either the end or the beginning of whatever would be between them. His gut ached as if he had gone five rounds against the heavy weight champ.

After reading the article, she slowly lifted her bewildered eyes, searching his. “Oh my god!” He cringed at the terror in her eyes. Did she think he was a monster?

Her glassy glare sent a chill up his spine. “Did you do this Axel?” Her voice teetered on the edge of tears.

Lowering his head, his chin pressed into his chest. “No, Kerrigan I didn’t.” He muttered through gritted teeth.

His heart sank. Reaching out to her, “Read these too,” he said, handing her three more articles.

After reading them all, she inhaled and blew out a hard breath. “When did this happen?”

His shoulders sagged. “About twelve years ago. I spent almost two years of my life in courtroom battles fighting the rape allegation against Sara Murphy before being exonerated. If it weren’t for the email exchanges between Sara and her two roommates exposing their extortion plot, I’d be locked up or worse.”

“What happened exactly?” She asked, her shrunken voice constricted and husky.

He turned his head. He didn’t want her to see him like this—filled with anger, rage and fear. He closed his eyes. “Sara’s friends confessed after entering into a plea deal, and the case was eventually dismissed.”

“How did you get through this?”

The pang in his chest forced his eyes open. Her words weren’t accusatory. “I’m still working on it. My pride and reputation was destroyed. I lost all faith and trust in women to the point that I objectified them. I’m not proud of that.”

She looked up at Axel with sympathy. “Axel, I’m…I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

He didn’t want her pity. He turned his eyes away, glaring at the base of the desk. “Sara and I had been going out for six months. I really liked her. We were young, and I thought I was in love. She told me she was a virgin. I told her I’d wait until she was ready.” Narrowed eyes and clenched jaw, he paused. Waves of anger rolled through his gut. “We were in her dorm room the night she decided she was ready. We had sex. She didn’t behave like a virgin in the bed. Immediately afterwards, she started crying and screaming, asking me why I raped her. I was so confused. I thought I hurt her.”

He shook his head, a knot formed in his dry throat. “I didn’t know what was going on. I certainly didn’t think I was being set up. Seconds later, one of her roommates walked into the room, and then the other.” Kerrigan stood and moved closer to him, sitting on the arm of the leather sofa. “They attacked and beat the crap out of me, called the police and said they’d witnessed me attack Sara. That was the worst two years of my life.”

She sat motionless, gazing at him with her big hazel eyes. He had revealed his most painful secret, the thing that he had never shared with anyone else, yet he felt compelled to tell her, to open himself up to her completely. He knew what was at risk, but she needed to know his past, even if that meant losing her.

He turned and stared into her eyes. This was his silent plea. “I lost focus on school. My relationship with my parents was strained. It was hell.” He paused. “I know I can be aggressive, but Kerrigan, I didn’t rape her.” Desperation oozed from his every pore.

His heart raced. With tightened shoulders, he drew his elbows into his sides and clutched the folder hard until his knuckles turned stark white. He had never felt more afraid and exposed than now.

Kerrigan was stunned. “Axel,
I don’t know what to say.”

Slumping over, he exhaled a hard breath, and then
stared blankly into the middle of the room. “I understand Kerrigan. I do.”

“Well, I don’t understand. I don’t understand h
ow anyone could be that heartless and evil toward you.” Betrayed by someone that he cared about must have been torturous.

He jerked his head up, his eyes flashing bright, met hers. “You believe me? You’re not going to walk away?”

She heard his vulnerability and saw his anguish. “Yes, of course I believe you. I know you well enough to know you couldn’t do something like that.” Thinking about what could have happened to him if the truth hadn’t been discovered made her sick, the pangs gripping Kerrigan’s insides and nausea rising.

He
was just as torn as she was with the desire to move forward but too afraid to trust himself or anyone else. She reached out to touch his shoulder, but he flinched, caught her hand and stared into her eyes. She wanted to offer him some reassurance that her feelings for him were genuine and unchanged. It would take time. He wasn’t ready either. He had to learn to trust her too.

Sliding her hand from his, she lowered her gaze.
“I’m so sorry Axel, about before … about today. You’re right. We’re not ready. I can imagine trusting anyone must be difficult, after what she did to you, but I’m not like her.”

He jerked his head back, his eyes widened and the corner of his mouth lifted.
“Kerrigan, you’re an amazing woman. I tell you I was accused of raping someone and you think
I
don’t trust
you
.” His tender eyes peered longingly at her. “I know you’re nothing like Sara. I would never compare you to her.” He reached out, wrapped his fingers around the hand that he had pushed away and held her hand in his. “I can’t believe there isn’t a part of you that doesn’t believe me. I’ve lost good friends who believed I had gotten away with rape because of my family’s wealth and my father’s reach into the judicial system.”

Kerrigan
tilted her head slightly, drawing her lips into a faint smile. “Axel, those so-called friends you lost weren’t really true friends. True friends wouldn’t have turned against you. I know you could never do something like that.”