Puppet (21 page)

I’m shaking my head, my hands trembling, the blade pressing into my fingertips as Edelin’s box instructs me to grip tighter.  My heart rattles and adrenaline surges through my veins, my mind desperately trying to grapple back its control.  Edelin watches me with hungry eyes as James takes a step away from me, looking back and forth between me and Edelin.

“Don’t,” I spit through gritted teeth, glaring at Edelin across the room, panic tightening around my chest and taking control of my mind like Edelin controls my body.  Adrenaline pumps through me but has nowhere to go; there’s nowhere for me to run; I
can’t
run.         

My hand clasps around the metal shard and my leg takes a step forward.  “Stop!” I scream at Edelin.  “I’ll do anything else, just stop!”  My voice is fading to whimpering now, anger and fear competing for precedence.

James is against the cell wall, watching as my legs carry me across the room toward him.  Jed steps in front of him, his eyes darting from me to Edelin and I flinch as my arm reaches to push Jed out of the way.  He stumbles back as my legs carry me closer to James.

“Edelin!” I shout desperately.  “Stop!”  But he only watches as I get closer and closer.

Jed lunges for Edelin with a shout, but there’s a guard who yanks him away.

I’m inches from James now and I’m doing everything in my power to delay Edelin’s instructions.  James looks down at me but for some reason, I don’t see fear in his eyes, only sorrow.  He looks at me as if giving me permission, just as I told him to shoot me.  I shake my head frantically, telling him to go, to at least fight, but he doesn’t move.  He knows he can’t fight.  He knows what Jed did to me; made me.  I feel a tear slide down my face and I wish I was weak; I wish James could pluck the weapon from my hand and stop me.  But he can’t.  His eyes bore into mine, telling me more than words could say and he reaches out to brush his hand against my cheek.

Images of him flash through my mind, us watching movies together, talking together, laughing together.  How he pointed the gun at my chest and then let me go, Duquesne telling me about James’s plan to save me.   

I’m scared and hurt and angry all at the same time.  Angry that James doesn’t move away, angry at Edelin, hurt because I’m breaking my own heart and scared because I know what I’m capable of and what I’ll do. 

I stare into James’s deep blue eyes, wishing I could lose myself in them.  Lose myself, lose anything but James.  But I can feel my arm beginning to move on its own, my control slipping away and my mind stopping.  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, my words small and wavering as my hand moves forward, plunging toward James’s heart, although it feels as though I’m tearing through my own.

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M
y voice cries out and my mind screams and I’m begging God for it to not be true.  The metal sinks toward James’s chest and my mouth opens in a silent scream as I beg God to let James live.  I feel the metal touch James’s skin, but only barely, before I yank away, gasping as my hand burns from the inside out.  I bite back a scream as it envelops my arm and I take a wobbly step back.  A guttural cry comes from my throat as I bend over, fire shooting through my legs.  I see Edelin out of the corner of my eye, his furious face suddenly turning to fear as I look at him.  He makes a startled sound and begins poking the buttons on his remote again.  Pain shoots through my body as I stand my ground, almost enough to send me to the floor, but I grit my teeth together and clench my fists.

Edelin shouts something unintelligible at me while every part of my body burns, and with a scream, I hurl the metal shard towards the wall, watching as it sinks into the plaster only inches from Edelin’s head.  His eyes grow wide as I begin to walk toward him, the pain growing with every step.  I grit my teeth together as I grab his collar and shove him against the wall.  I grip his shirt and push him upwards, watching as he grasps at my hands and his eyes grow wide.

“Turn it off,” I spit, every word sending a burst of fire throughout my body.  Edelin only stares at me, the box gripped tightly between his fingers.  “Turn it off!” I scream, gasping as the pain intensifies and I tighten my grip on Edelin.  He sputters for air, fumbling with the remote and I feel the burning leave my body as fast as it came.  My body relaxes with a sigh and Edelin drops to the floor, gasping.  I grab the box from his hands, resisting the urge to crush it between my fingers; I don’t know what that will do to me.  Instead, I shove it into my pocket. 

I’m gasping for air just as much as Edelin is and I’m just about to turn around and walk back to James, to say something, to throw my arms around him, before I see the metal shard in the wall and Edelin’s fingers inching toward it; too late.  He stands, suddenly towering over me and I’m about to dart away, but I don’t have enough time. 

I feel the blade slice into the pit of my stomach between the span of two heartbeats.  Pain races through me, although it’s a different kind of pain than I’ve ever endured; searing and frantic.  I feel Edelin yank the metal violently out of my body and I jerk while gasping as I feel warm, sticky blood ooze over my skin, staining my white shirt a dark, crimson red.  I can hear Jed’s gasp from behind me and James call my name, but my body isn’t functioning right, I’m not functioning right. 

Just then, I notice Head Devere by the doorway and I vaguely remembering her entering the room between the times Edelin stabbed me and pulled the blade out.  I see three administrators beside her, staring down at us in horror.  I wonder how much she saw.  I wonder why she’s here.  She was probably alerted of my escape, Edelin’s actions, by some administrators.  Her expression is masked with shock and horror and she screams something unintelligible at Edelin.  I can’t tell if she’s angry, or scared, or shocked.  

Blood is soaking my hands and I’m starting to feel dizzy.  I can hear James beside me and then I feel his hands on my arms, my shoulders.  I stare into his eyes, suddenly so grateful that he’s alive, even if my life was the cost. 

I can feel my energy fading, my senses dimming; James’s face is beginning to blur and I can no longer hear his words.  I wonder what it’s like to die.  I wonder where I’ll go.  I hope somewhere beautiful.  Somewhere with God.  I hope whatever I did was good enough, I hope whatever I did is forgivable.  My hand reaches up to grasp the cross around my neck, suddenly realizing it as the only thing that’s been through everything with me; the only thing that never left, never lied.     

My hands slip downward and I can feel James’s arms around me, catching me.  And my strings – the ones that tie to me Edelin, to Jed, to James, to this world – are cut as I fall to the floor.           

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O
ne.  I don’t feel myself hitting the floor.  I don’t feel James catch me, I don’t feel his arms around me like I did seconds before.  I wonder where he went.  I don’t know where I am, I don’t know where my body is.  I don’t feel anything.  It’s like I’m reaching but there’s nothing to reach for.  Or with. 

Two.  My vision is gone, the world is black.  I can’t tell if my eyes are blinking, I can’t tell if they’re there or not.  I look for myself in the smothering dark, an arm, a hand, but this is darker than black.  The absence of color.

Three.  The stillness rings like the train horn in my ears, battering me and drowning me; suffocating me in a quiet so deafening I feel as if the world has crushed me.  I hear nothing.  I don’t hear my breathing, my beating heart, my thoughts.  I never knew silence could be so earsplittingly loud.

Four.  Absence.  Of light, of dark, of loud, of soft, of touch, of thought, of feeling.   

Five seconds.  But time is nothing. 

Six.  I feel myself move.  Not my body.  My soul.   

Seven. 
Come back. 

Eight.  I feel pain and my heart starts beating again.   

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I
feel my body contort and my chest heave as I gasp, the sound seeming too loud and raspy in my ears; like a severe scream blasted over and over again, the volume turned up.  A blinding light sears my eyes and I can hear shouting, although the sound wavers in and out like it’s muffled; like I’m underwater.  A dull pain throbs through my body and my hearts thrums furiously in my ears like it’s about to burst.  I’m coughing and gripping the side of a table, my hands sticky and damp. 

“Pen!” I hear James exclaim and I see him leaning over me, his image slowly sharpening into focus.  Alarm surges through me when I see his torso and arms are covered in blood, dark red and brown, but then I slowly realize that it must be mine.  The sight of it stained and smeared across somebody else almost frightens me more than the starkness of it against my white apparel.       

As my eyes adjust to the light around me I see that I’m not in the cell room like I had suspected, but a hospital room; a real one.  Nurses and doctors swarm the halls around me and someone I assume to be a doctor is standing over me, opposite James.  I begin to sit up, but stop when my stomach sears with pain.  I notice the sheets around me are stained and panic is beginning to form in my stomach, as well as a sense of nausea.  I want to cling to something, anything, to get away from all this blood staining the eerily crisp white room.  I feel as if I’ve stabbed the room along with me; everyone looks hurt and disheveled.   

“What...?” I begin to say but stop at the sound of how raspy my voice is.

James doesn’t wait to respond, but leans over me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me against his chest.  His body is warm and his heart beats against me, almost faster than my own.  I can feel him sigh with relief as he holds me tighter and although my stomach throbs, I cling to him, my arms on his back and my head against his chest.   

“Your heart stopped,” James says quietly. 

I pull away from him in shock, just far enough back to look into his face, to see if he’s joking, lying.  “What?”  My voice sounds breathless and scared.   

“You were dead,” Jed says from behind James and I can hear the tears in his voice.  I survey the room around me, the blood, the medical instruments.  I wonder how long I was unconscious. 

No more than seconds...

I stare down at my stomach to see the bleeding has stopped and I wonder what they did, how they tried to save me. 

I’m shaking my head.  “You can’t die and come back,” I say quickly.  “I couldn’t have been dead.”  My words frighten me and I can hear it in my voice.   

“Eight seconds,” James says quietly, almost a whisper.  I can see the fear and shock and relief in his eyes and I wonder what he did in those eight seconds.  Eight seconds of that terrible feeling that rips apart your insides and sucks your soul momentarily away because fear is the only thing that powers you.  Because I don’t know what I would have done if it had been James lying dead on the table. 

Suddenly, James takes my face in his hands and leans in, his lips pressing against mine, kissing me like it’s the first time and the last time, like he’s afraid I might slip away again, afraid because life is fragile.  And he’s only just realized it.  My heart beats rapidly against my chest and with a start, I wonder how it could have been still only moments before. 

Eight seconds.  Eight seconds of nothing; no beating heart, no breathing lungs, no working mind.  I am suddenly so immensely grateful that God let me live.   

James pulls away and I notice Jed standing a few steps back, his face stained with tears and fear because he just witnessed both me and James come so close to dying.  He takes a step forward and I smile as he hugs me, careful to avoid holding me too tightly.  “I’m sorry Penelope,” he says into my hair, so quietly I barely hear it, and I somehow know he means it for everything – the experiment, the lying, the fights, and the administrators.  I shake my head, not wanting him to be sorry, because I know that without any of Jed’s science, his genius, his crazy mind, I wouldn’t be here.  And oddly enough, right here is the only place I’d want to be.

“What about Edelin?” I ask suddenly as Jed releases me.  I remember Head Devere screaming at him and the guards at the door, but nothing more than that.  The thought of him sends a burst of adrenaline through my veins. 

“He’s lost his control,” Jed states simply.  “Because he lost you.”

Suddenly I remember the remote control in my pocket and I reach down to make sure it’s still there.  It feels heavy and warm.  Dangerous.  “I need it out,” I state.  “The implant, it needs to be taken out.”  I remember fighting the control, but I also remember the burning and Edelin’s fingers scrambling to regain his power.  My body aches with the memory.   

“Duquesne can take it out,” Jed tells me.  “When you’re feeling better.” 

I’m about to protest and insist he remove it now, but I realize how silly it is.  I guess time is suddenly something I have a lot of right now.  It just feels as if everything is still on acceleration, moving past me at dizzying speeds.  I wonder how long it’s going to take me to calm down again. 

“Your stomach,” the doctor I just now remember is here, says from beside me, “should heal.”

I nod distractedly, still thinking about Edelin and the implant and then I suddenly feel the need to find some new clothes.  I feel sticky and like...death.

I wonder at all the thoughts racing through my mind, jumbled, as if pouring in to make up for the lost eight seconds of my life.  My whole body is quickening, as if my lungs and heart also realize the time lost.      

“How does it feel?” the doctor asks.

I give him an odd look, wondering at the strange question.  How does he think it feels?  My stomach throbs and aches and my body is beginning to follow suit.  “Fine,” I murmur, but just as the answer leaves my lips, I freeze.  My mind whirls as I reach up to touch my throat, sliding my fingers across my skin.  I don’t feel fine.  My stomach burns.  I was being sarcastic.  I run my hand along my neck, my mouth partially open in shock as I realize I feel nothing unusual.

“Jed,” I whisper in awe.  I turn to him and after a few seconds, it looks like he’s slowly beginning to catch on.  “I lied.”