Pure Dead Brilliant
Read Pure Dead Brilliant Online
Authors: Debi Gliori
Dramatis Personae
THE FAMILY
T
ITUS
S
TREGA-
B
ORGIA
—about-to-be-thirteen-year-old hero
P
ANDORA
S
TREGA-
B
ORGIA
—ten-year-old heroine
D
AMP
S
TREGA-
B
ORGIA
—their two-year-old sister
S
IGNOR
L
UCIANO AND
S
IGNORA
B
ACI
S
TREGA-
B
ORGIA
—parents of the above
S
TREGA-
N
ONNA
—
great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother
(cryogenically preserved) of Titus, Pandora, and Damp
D
ON
L
UCIFER DI
S'E
MBOWELLI
B
ORGIA
—half brother of Luciano Strega-Borgia
N
OSTRILAMUS,
M
ALEFICA OF
C
ALEDON
—long-dead ancestor of the Borgia clan
THE GOOD HELP THAT WAS HARD TO FIND
M
RS.
F
LORA
M
C
L
ACHLAN
—nanny to Titus, Pandora, and Damp
L
ATCH
—butler at StregaSchloss
M
ARIE
B
AIN
—possibly the worst cook in the Western Hemisphere
THE BEASTS
A
LPHA
—centaur and librarian
T
ARANTELLA
—spider with attitude
S
AB,
F
FUP,
and K
NOT
—mythical Schloss dungeon beasts
N
ESTOR
—Ffup's infant son
T
OCK
—crocodile inhabitant of Schloss moat
M
ULTITUDINA, THE
I
LLITERAT
—rat, mother to multitudes, and Pandora's pet
T
ERMINUS
—daughter of the above
T
HE
S
LEEPER
—Scottish unreconstructed-male mythical beast
THE HOUSEGUESTS
A
RIADNE
V
ENTETE
—student witch and balloonist
H
ECATE
B
RINSTONE
—student witch
B
LACK
D
OUGLAS
—student witch and yoga tutor
F
IAMMA D
'I
NFER
—student witch and impostor
A
SSORTED
P
ROTO-SORCERERS
—an additional eight students from the
Institute of Applied Witchcraft
THE IMMORTALS
A
STOROTH
—Second Minister of the Hadean Executive, with special
responsibility for pacts and soul harvests
T
HE
B
OSS
—Astoroth's online manager, First Minister of the Hadean Executive
A Note to the Reader
There are few things more confusing for tourists than
the Scottish population's halfhearted adoption of the
24-hour clock. Hapless tourists are asked to adhere to bus, train, and airplane timetables that lurch giddily between normal time (the train will depart at 5:30
P.M.
) and
24-hour time (the train will depart at 17:30). The author apologizes on behalf of all mass-transportation companies, and advises her readers to seriously consider using an Alarming Clock for all their future travel needs.
Slander, Defame & Grabbit Attorneys-at-Law
The Old Vaults
Litigants Close
Auchenlochtermuchty
Argyll
Dr. A. Aunt
c/o
Egg & After
Suite 34001, Nutmeg Towers
Canary Wharf
London
Publication of defamatory material impugning character
and proclivities of T. & F. Strega-Borgia
Dear Sir/Madam:
My esteemed clients Tock Strega-Borgia Esq., Master Nestor, and Miss Ffup Strega-Borgia have brought to my attention a copy of your publication (July bumper edition) in which they were distressed to discover that their names, reputations, legitimacy, and intellectual capabilities had all been mentioned in a disrespectful, nay, slanderous manner. Not wishing to further impugn the good name of Strega-Borgia, my clients wish me to convey to you the terms under which they are prepared to “forgive and forget.”
In the first instance, my clients demand that you print a fulsome apology to them in your magazine in a type size no less than 48 point, and spanning no less than one full double-page spread. This apology to be printed in the “mega holiday read” August edition.
Second, my clients are desirous of some form of material compensation to allay the
considerable mental anguish caused them by your devastating attack on their good name.
I would suggest that a sum of one hundred and fifty thousand pounds would suffice.
Finally, my clients would like to stress their direct connection through a blood tie to a large Italian clan, better known as the Mafia. It hardly needs to be said that some of these relatives would be inclined, if informed about your recent “indiscretion,” to take more than a passing interest in slanderous journalists writing about Family members.
Capisce?
Yours sincerely,
Sr. Dormi Piscatelli w.s. (“The Shark”)