Queen (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (8 page)

I sit on the couch and begin to worry as I watch the time tick on our cheap,
plastic wall-clock. The minute-hand is broken and now shorter than the hour-hand. The ink on most of the numbers has faded to a pale gray. I stare at the second-hand as it makes its twenty-seventh revolution around the numbers. The ominous tick… tick… tick… of my life changing by the second drowns out any noise from the building or street. It becomes deafening.

“What took so long?” I ask Grant when he sits next to me on the ratty couch. It’s clean, but I’m embarrassed to see his designer clothing si
tting on something that should be on the curb for garbage collection. I blush when I realize that he’s sitting on my bed with me as I had last week with him on his.

“Since you wouldn’t listen to my proposition I asked for permission with your mother. To say she wasn’t pleased is an understatement. I didn’t want to upset her, but she wants you taken care of. She wants to know that you have security before she parts our earthly plane. She gave permission when I told her what my Father has in store for
you if you don’t come willingly,” he says miserably.

He tries to hold my hand. The
innocent gesture of his fingers on my skin lights me up and I hate it. I hate that I react to someone I should despise. I despise everything he stands for. Most importantly, I shouldn’t respond like this with my dying mother in the next room. Why should I get pleasure while all she feels is pain? Why should I enjoy anything when she will cease to exist?

I pull my hand away and tuck it under my thigh where he can’t get to it. It doesn’t matter because he places his hand on my knee anyway. It isn’t sexual. I can tell he means it as a comforting gesture; one that will connect us as he tries to talk to me. But my body is making more out of it than it should. I disgust myself.

“I don’t want anything from you, Grant. I wouldn’t even accept my scholarship if it wasn’t for the fact that I earned it. I don’t want a handout. I
sure as hell don’t want one from a Whittenhower.”

“You have to surrogate for me and my wife. There is no other option. I wish I hadn’t shown any interest in you. When Albert reported to my Father that you were in my
bedroom he read too much into it. He won’t back down and the consequences will be yours.” His blue eyes try to seek mine out and I glare at him. He’s weak for not standing up to his father and wife. I don’t like weakness.

“I have two jobs and a scholarship. I have goals in life that I wi
ll reach. I just turned eighteen. I’m too young to have a baby, especially someone else’s.”

He doesn’t say anything. He just sits beside me on the couch. We both wait for the other to speak as we stare at the clock. When thirty minutes pass
es he speaks.

“I will pay you for your services. You can go to school and still reach your dreams- only faster.”
He tries to reason with me. He tries to find that one thing that will make me say yes.

“I’
m not whoring myself out. I know that I won’t truly be a whore, but it’s basically selling my child. I don’t like how Whitt is being raised, why would I allow my child to grow up like that?”

“It’
s a great sacrifice. I realize this. My father and Cora do not see it as that. I don’t think like them. I know you see me differently than I am, Regina. I am as much a victim to their ministrations as you are.”

“You could always say no, Grant. You have the ability.” I look at him and the expression of terror on his face tells me that he will never disobey his father even if it
’s to the detriment of his happiness.

“Answer me this, Grant- Why me? It can’t be because of the fact that you want me in your bed. I won’t sleep with you no matter how badly I may want to.
I can be honest about that. I want you and I know you want me. But I won’t give in to anyone, even myself.”

He stares at me and slowly wraps his arm around my shoulders. He freezes like that for a moment waiting for me to protest. When I don’t, he pulls me closer, trying to comfort me. His warmth infuses my body and my eyelids flutter shut. My breathing evens out and all I can smell is Grant. I have no words t
o describe the scent, other than, simply Grant.

“That is why, Regina. The Whittenhowers were
n’t always affluent. You’re smart, motivated, and determined. It reminds my father of his parents. It was their determination that made Whittenhower a name. He wants that in his grandchildren.

He really does see me and Whitt as
a weakness. I know I’m weak. I make no excuses for it. Adelaide has been interrogated for the past week about you. She held out for a few days and that made Father proud, but he broke her down. You will never break.” His voice is filled with pride- pride for me, pride I haven’t earned nor deserve.

The news that while Ade was ignoring me this past week, our last week of schooling, she was systematically being broken down by her father, broken down for information about me. It feels like a knife wound to the heart. I was angry at her while she was trying to protect me.

I turn my head and bury it in Grant’s neck trying to stem the sob building in my chest.

“Why not just stand up to him and make him proud then?”
I whisper against his throat. His arms form a cage around me- protective and reassuring. He shudders and sighs.
“I can’t.” He palms his face and shakes his head. “I just can’t, Regina. Please say yes. I don’t want to see what he will do to get you to comply.” His desperation and shame is evident in his tone of voice.

“I can’t, Grant. Just as you won’t stand up to your father, I won’t bow down to him either.” I stand and walk to the door and unlatch all the deadbolts.
The clicks signal that our conversation and truce are over.

I can’t sit and be held by someone who won’t stand up for themselves or at least find someone who will. I can’t be
Grant’s strength, not when he’s allowing his father to target me for something he wants for Grant. I just can’t do it no matter how nice it feels at the moment. I know that it will haunt me as I try to sleep. I feel torn, but at least I will sleep knowing I did the right thing.

He walks to me and I can see the fear
carved across his face. He kisses my cheek in goodbye. It tingles as strongly as it did when Roman did it earlier and I hate it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Neither guy is a good idea for a million little reasons and several massive ones.

“We’ll both regret your refusal, Regina. At least consider it. I’ll leave you alone until after graduation. You’ll be hearing from me,” he threatens as he disappears
smoothly down the stairs.

His words echo inside my head replaying the ominous threat on repeat.  The gravity of my situation finally sinks in. I try every day to win, to be the best at everything I do, and to never relent. I’ve met my match and h
is name is Daniel Whittenhower Sr. He may make me do things I will regret, but I will take from him what he holds most dear; even if it takes my entire life.

Chapter
Nine

“I did it, Ma.” I sit on the edge of her bed and
proudly wave the leather case holding my diploma in the air.

“I’m officially a high school graduate. This diploma will give me access to the top universities. Have to give the elite props for educated me so well.” I smile at her brigh
tly.

She’
s pain free tonight. We’ve upped her dosage to four pills. I’m not sure she can feel anything. I know she can’t feel her legs or feet. Weeks ago I had to help her to and from the bathroom, but now that isn’t even an option. I had to ask a few of the ladies from the building to take care of her when I wasn’t around. They never leave now. Several are camped out in the living room. We all know it’s time.

“How did the ceremony go?” I can see the pain in her expression for missing the ceremony. She isn’t well enough to
move from room-to-room let alone leave the house. I don’t blame her and she knows it.

The ceremony was a joke. I was top of my class and the next in line gave the speech. Hillbrook couldn’t have their scholarship student show up the
ir rich children. Those parents paid a huge fee to hear one of their own give some lame speech about how graduation wasn’t an end, but a beginning. It was the same speech that was given at countless schools over the years. They wouldn’t have tolerated the speech I would have given.

I have no family besides my mom and obviously she couldn’t attend. I was surprised as I walked across the stage that several people clapped, not the whole auditori
um as the students before and after me received, but a few from Fate and Ade’s families. I nearly burst out laughing when Whitt squealed
Queen
at the top of his tiny lungs. I received one standing ovation from Roman. He was camped out at the exit and as soon as I walked across the stage he vanished.

“It was fabulous, Ma. I gave my speech and everyone loved it.” I lie to her and don’t feel bad for a second. She’ll never find out the truth and I’d rather
have her believe that I was given the respect that I was do.

“Have you thought more about the gentleman’s offer?”
She prompts for the hundredth time.

She wants me t
o do it. I’m not sure what it entails, but she thinks that I’ll just carry their child, not
my
child. She doesn’t realize that she’s pushing me to give away my own flesh and blood to those bastards- Her flesh and blood.

“I think I may do it, Ma. I can still go to university and the money would help out for the future.” I lie to her again. If a fant
asy relieves her worry then it’s worth it.

“
People do this all the time. I’m a mother and I know how devastated I would be if I couldn’t have shared a child with your father. It pleases me to know that my legacy will live on even after I’m gone. It’s a beautiful thing you’d be doing, Regina. Everyone should know the love of their child.”
I don’t want to shatter her fantasy. The Whittenhowers wouldn’t see it as a gift. The child would be an acquisition. I couldn’t put my child through that life. They can find someone else who is a professional surrogate.

“I think I will take a light nap. Wake me up in a little bit, Regina.” She closes her eyes and sighs deeply.

I can hear the fluid in her lungs rasp with every breath. I will never forget that sound for the rest of my life or the way I can see her eyes through her translucent eyelids. Her skin is paper-thin and I worry that if I touch her it will bruise or wound.

I slide down the wall and prop my elbows on my knees and settle in for the long wait. Lately I don’t really sleep. I sit vigil in her room watching her sleep. She sleep
s about ninety percent of the time as her body shuts down. Hospice was here earlier and said it could be any moment. I simultaneously dread and pray for it to come to pass. Her suffering needs to end and nothing hurts more than watching it.

Light filters in every time the neighbors open and close the door checking on us. I get slightly annoyed by the interruption in my meditation.
I’m resting in a calm that isn’t sleep nor awake.

I should be worried that our front door is wide open, but what is the worst that can happe
n? There is nothing to steal. They can’t kill us and if they did, it would be faster than the pace we’re going right now. It would be a blessing. They could harm me, but really, it would pale in comparison to the hell I’m experiencing right now.
“Are you asleep,” Roman whispers to me worrying that he will wake me or my mother.
“No, I haven’t slept in a long time,” I whisper back.

I look up to him as he quietly shuts the door.
I glimpse the side of his face before the closing of the door cuts off any available light leaving us in near darkness. I grimace at the grim expression marring his face. I hold his blue-green eyes as a lifeline. I could do this alone, but it is better having him with me.

He slides down the wall and sits next to me. I find his hand and hold it tightly.
It’s warm and I relish the connection. I don’t want to go through this alone. My so-called best friends aren’t the ones to go through this with me. I know that Fate would sit here with me until the end. Adelaide probably would if I’d asked. But I don’t want to ruin their day. I want them to have what I never will- carefree fun.

“I think we should use this as a form of interrogation. I would spill anything, confess to things I’ve never done, just to end this misery. I will never condemn the Dr. Deaths of the world. How a doctor could see this every day and not want to end the suffering is unfathomable to me. I understand.”

He doesn’t speak. He knows I’m just talking and there’s nothing he could ever say to change anything that we’re going through. It’s a comfort that he doesn’t feed me pretty lies. I curl up to him. I sit wrapped in Roman’s arms and silently pray that the end is near.

“I have a problem, Roman. The Whittenhowers
want something from me that I’m not willing to give and they have threatened me. If I don’t do it, I don’t know where my life will end up. I have worked so hard to get where I am and they could make it vanish in a blink of an eye. I don’t know what to do.”