Authors: Kathy Belge
Queer (8 page)
Once you find some queer friends and start living your proud LGBT life it can be easy to get trapped in the "pink triangle," where you reject anything that doesn't conform to your queer politics and expectations. You might start looking down on straight people because you think they just don't get it or isolating yourself from the larger world because you only feel safe around other queers. Naturally, you're excited about your identity and want to explore it. But don't let that get in the way of all the non-queer-specific opportunities that life has to offer! Your sexual identity is just one part of the bigger picture.
In the end, your best friends may not be other queer kids, but hetero hipsters, hippies, jocks, goths, nerds, or just the kids next door. The fact that you're queer doesn't mean that all straight people are nightmares! (Believe us, you'll find out that other queer people aren't always the winners of Miss Congeniality.) Having straight friends (of both genders) is important, even if they do sometimes ask annoying questions about your sex life or don't always understand the sting of homophobia.
Fag hags
(straight girls who hang out with gay guys) and
lezbros
(straight guys who befriend lesbians) make great support, and you'll never have to worry about losing those friendships due to romantic complications!
How I Found the Lesbians
When I got to college, I was finally out and wanted to meet other LGBT students, so I did the logical thing: I joined the gay and lesbian student union. I met some really great people, but there was one problem: 99 percent of them were guys. They were all very nice, but I really wanted to meet some girls.
One day on campus I saw a sign for a folk music concert. I don't know why, but something about the woman's photo made me think "lesbian." I gathered my courage and dragged my roommate to the show in a small room in the student union. I don't remember anything about the musician or the songs she sang. All I focused on were the two women sitting in front of me holding hands throughout the show. After the concert, a girl who lived in my dorm approached me and invited me to come to a feminist film the next week, sponsored by the college women's center, the same group that hosted the concert. It was there that I discovered that many of the lesbians on campus were more involved with feminist issues than with the gay student unionâmost of the women in the women's center were lesbian or bisexual! Finally, I found my girls!
I quickly became involved in the group, organizing feminist film showings, a radio program, and a lecture series. I stayed involved with the gay and lesbian student union, too, dragging my new friends to their events and getting the union to host more events that would appeal to women. By the time I graduated, the union was about 40 percent women and also had a few trans members. Not only did I find my people, I also helped to bring these two groups together!
There's usually one teacher who everyone thinks is cool. You'll know who it is because, on any given weekday, you'll find a whole bunch of students hanging out in his or her classroom after school, discussing the pros and cons of vegetarianism or debating presidential politics.
If you're not sure if a teacher or faculty member is supportive, you can suss them out, much like you would a fellow student. Does she prohibit homophobic jokes in her classroom? Does anyone who uses the word faggot get reprimanded? Is there a "safe zone" sticker with a pink triangle on her bulletin board? If so, chances are this teacher is one you can trust.
Another great place to find adult allies is PFLAG, Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (pfiag.org). If there's a meeting in your area, check it out. If you're getting any grief from your family about being gay, PFLAG is awesome about giving you some hope.
Don't overlook that supportive uncle, neighbor, or librarian. The lesbian couple down the block, the trans guy who fixes your dad's car, or your mom's gay hairdresser might want to take you under their wings. Or hell, even your parents could be your greatest allies.
Part of navigating your queer sphere is to knowâlegally^âwhat your rights are. You can start by checking out the American Civil Liberties Union (aclu.org), which is a national organization that has fought for a lot of LGBT teens' rights. If you go to a public school, your rights in school are the same as they are out of school. If you go to a private school, you don't have the same rights as kids in public school. That's because public schools are considered part of the government and are protected by the US Constitution, whereas private schools are governed by something called contract law. Often private schools have a code of conduct that is outlined in their student handbooks.
Here are answers to some common questions about school. These responses are based upon government laws, so again, if you go to a private school, you'll have to check in with your student handbook to see your particular school's policies.
Q: Can I wear a gay rights T-shirt to school?
A:
Generally, your right to express your opinion is protected under the First Amendment of the US Constitution. That means you should be free to express your opinion as long as it doesn't disrupt the learning environment. You might be banned from wearing a sexually explicit T-shirt or a revealing outfit because those are considered disruptive. It also depends upon the school's rules about T-shirts. But the school has to treat all students the same. For example, if the school lets someone wear a T-shirt proclaiming a political view or social belief, it should allow you to express yours. But if your school has a rule against such T-shirts, then no, you won't be allowed to wear a gay slogan T-shirt to school.
And remember: Not all proqueer slogans are the same. Your school may consider "Equality Now!" to be OK. But that doesn't mean that they'll necessarily like it If you wear a T-shirt that says "Same-Sex Marriage is Sexy!" or "Straight People Are Sooo Gay!" You may be able to wear something saying "I Like Girls" but not "Your Girlfriend Wants Me." It can be tricky. It's also good to question your motives when wearing something that is thought to be political. Are you making a case? Or just vying for attention? Sometimes it's a little bit of both, but getting your queer butt sent home from school for your "inappropriate clothing" won't help other queer kids' views to be taken seriously.
Q: Can I bring a same-sex date to prom?
A:
The good news is that LGBT students have made a lot of progress in recentyears with the right to bring a same-sex date to the prom. The not-so-good news is that If you live in a conservative area, your school may say that it doesn't allow it. Still, the right to bring a same-sex date to the prom or other school function is considered a form of free expression, so you should absolutely fight for it. Students in recentyears have won the right in court to bring same-sex dates to the prom. If Your school is tellingyou that you can't or kicks you out when you do, contact the ACLU for help.
Q: What if I'm being bullied at school?
A:
If you are being harassed at school and you report it, your school has the responsibility to do something about it. If you are being harassed for being LGBT, report it to a principal or counselor. Make sure to keep your own notes about what is happening to you, when you reported it, and to whom. If things don't get better, get your parents involved. However, your school should not out you to your parents without your permission. Nor should they allow teachers or staff to make antigay remarks about you or punish you for holding hands with a same-sex partner if they allow opposite sex couples to do the same. For more on how to respond if someone is harassing you, see Chapter 4.
Q: What if I want to identify as another gender at school?
A:
Unfortunately, this is a complex legal question that hasn't been tested much in courts. So it may depend on how far you want to go and what type of school you attend. If you wish to be called "he" instead of "she" and perhaps take on a different name, some of your teachers may be supportive, realizing that it may make you more comfortable in an academic atmosphere. But if you're a boy who prefers to dress like a girl or vice versa, then you may be violating school dress codes. And if you wish to use the public bathroom of your new gender, it's possible that someone will protest. If it becomes an issue, your parents may need to get involved and work with you and your school to come to an agreement. If that's not something you can ask them to do, you may need to wait until high school is over to be able to fully express yourself. You can also contact the ACLU with any questions about your rights.
1955
LESBIAN LIFE, LOVE, AND LITERATURE
The lesbian community wasn't always an easy thing to find. In the 1950s, there were no lesbian online communities, magazines, bookstores, dating services, or film festivals. There were gay and lesbian bars, but those were vulnerable to police raids, and some women didn't want to be in bars around drinking. So in 1955, San Francisco lesbian couple Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, along with three other lesbian couples, decided to start the social group Daughters of Bilitis (DOB)ânamed after an 1894 collection of erotic poetry called
The Songs of Bilitisâ
which had discussion groups, social events, and activism initiatives. Soon there were DOB chapters in New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, and Washington, DC, and most joined efforts with local gay male groups like the Mattachine Society. Soon the DOB started a literary and news magazine called
The Ladder,
which became a lifeline to lesbians countrywide. Most chapters have since folded, but the organization gave way to more modern groups like Gay Liberation Front and Lesbian Nation, and
The Ladder
was inspiration for later lesbian mags like
Curve
and
Go.
How Marke Found His Posse
When I came out, I wanted to find my people. But I was different from a lot of the gay guys I knew. I didn't like the same music they did or the same types of fashion. None of the other gay guys read a lot of books, and I was a total bookworm. I thought that because we didn't have a lot in common, I could never be friends with them. But closing myself off made me look like a big snob. I really needed to connect with other gay people. How else would I ever get a date, right? So I took a giant social leap and befriended the gayest-acting guy in schoolâthe one who wore expensive preppy clothes and who everyone had nicknamed "Swish." (Really, that's what they called him.)
I thought we'd have nothing in common. I was completely wrong. Sure, I wasn't into his collection of designer colognes, and he wasn't much interested in my favorite punk bands and Japanese novels. But we actually had a lot in commonâand not just the whole queer thing. He loved dancing as much as I did and took me out to my first all-ages club, introducing me to the "gay corner" of the dance floor. We also both adored modern art, and he invited me to the museum downtown with some gay art lovers from other schools. I even got him to mosh with me to Minor Threat and the Sex Pistols in the school cafeteria.
I met an entire network of other queer kids through Swish, and I'm still friends with most of them to this day. Finally, I could relax and be myself around other LGBT people. I'm really glad I took a chance on someone who didn't seem like me at all. (Otherwise, I'd probably still be reading Jane Austen in my parents' basement.)
One of the best ways to feel part of the queer community and simultaneously to feel good about yourself is to get involved in making a difference for other LGBTs in the world. Participating in community-building activities will look great on your college application, and who knows: It may just snag you a boyfriend or girlfriend, too! Getting involved helps to build your character and to give you extra confidenceâtwo total turn-ons. Here are some ways to take part in queer life.
Plan for the National Day of Silence
. Every year, students from hundreds of schools from around the country take a vow of silence for one day to draw attention to all the LGBT youth who are silenced by antigay harassment and violence. It started in 1996 with more than 150 students at the University of Virginia. A year later, 100 schools joined in, and now hundreds of thousands of students from more than 8,000 schools and universities participate. It typically takes place in April, and it's a great way to show your solidarity with the LGBT community. Lately many schools and teens have launched super creative web campaigns, design projects, and viral videos to spread the word. To find out what's going on in your area, visit dayofsilence.org.
Join your local LGBT community center
. This is a great way to meet other teens from different schools, find out what's going on in the greater LGBT community, and learn a bit about LGBT culture and history. Center Link is a national organization for LGBT community centers, and its website (see Resources section) can connect you to one in your area. At your local center you can give support and peer counseling to other kids who are coming out and get involved with art, writing, theater, and political groups. You can volunteer to help older or less fortunate LGBT people in the community or join an outreach program to speak in schools and the community about LGBT issues.
Join or start a Gay-Straight Alliance.
Even if you don't think you need one, having a GSA in your school makes it safer for other LGBT kids. A study by the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) found that in schools with GSAs, students heard fewer homophobic remarks and experienced less harassment and assault because of sexual orientation or gender identity. If students were harassed, they were more likely to report it. In general, LGBT students felt more secure in schools with a GSA. Plus, having a GSA is really fun and a great way to make queer friends. The GSA Network (gsanetwork.org) has some great info about how to start and maintain a kick-ass GSA at your school.
Volunteer for political campaigns.
While being LGBT is not a political decision, gaining rights as a queer person is. So getting involved in politics is a good way to ensure that your own rights are protected. Even if you can't vote yet, you can help inform your community about important issues or candidates who have philosophies you believe in. Perhaps there is a great candidate running for office who is promoting gay marriage rights; you can support him or her. Or maybe there is an antigay ballot initiative in your town or a group working for trans-employment rights. Join in the fight! Getting involved in political campaigns when you're young teaches you valuable communication skills, helps you make contacts in your community, and gives you a hands-on opportunity to learn how the system works.
Launch or join an online community
. You probably have your own blog or Facebook page. Why not use it to spread the word about causes and issues you feel passionate about, either by joining online groups and contributing to the discussion or by starting your own groups and fan pages? If you're extra tech savvy you can register your own domain and start a forum that addresses specific things you feel strongly about. It's a sad thing, but young and strong LGBT voices are often missing from debates. Other people, both LGBT and straight, really do want to know what you think. Use your cyber voice to speak out! Be sure to follow internet etiquette while online. If you disrespect or insult people, your opinion likely won't be heard or taken seriously. Focus on the issue and not on the person speaking. Never use obscene, abusive, or sexually explicit language. You're unlikely to change the opinion of an angry bigot, but your thoughtful counter-argument may sway someone else viewing the page who is undecided on a particular issue.