Racing Outside the Line: A Love Story at 190 Mph (18 page)

"It don’t have to be difficult, darlin’."

I leaned back away from him and he got up and closed the drawers, leaving me to get control of myself. I heard the motor coach door open and assumed he was giving me more time to myself. I was slowly able to pull myself up off the floor and went into the bathroom. I leaned against the countertop. I heard the door open and close again as I stared into the mirror at my reflection, "
What
are you doing here?" I asked myself out loud.

"You’re here because we’re meant to be together." I dropped my head back to my chest then looked to the bedroom door where Seth was standing. His tall form leaned against the doorjamb as he watched me. I looked back to the floor, unable to say anything. I wanted to cry, I wanted to throw something at him and yell, "Then why the hell are you engaged to her?" I wanted to crumple to the floor and hide from everything that had ever happened between us and everything that was currently happening, but most of all, I wanted to not be ridiculously in love with him.

I heard him walking toward me and felt his hand reach out to touch my shoulder, but I flinched away from him. I couldn’t just let this go. I was too emotionally invested now to pretend it was okay that she was still around.

He leaned against the shower door next to me. "Lexie, I’m sorry that she’s still physically in my life, but emotionally, I belong to you. I always have."

Several responses came to mind: "put your money where your mouth is," "actions (or underwear drawers) speak louder than words." Finally, I decided to simply look at him with narrowed eyes and my hands folded angrily across my chest.

"I wish I could make this easier for you." His attempt to diffuse the situation only served to piss me off more. How could he be so calm? Oh yeah, because it wasn’t his heart on the line here!
You’re the one who went and fell in love with the man!
Ugh! Stupid annoying voice in my head! "You can burn all the things in those drawers if it will make you feel any better."

Did he really think that was all this was about—something as superficial as drawers? Sure, it was the catalyst for this emotional crisis, but it wasn’t the real reason I was ready to break down. I stood up, placing my palms on the countertop for the little support it could offer me. I looked up to the ceiling not wanting to see my own reflection at the moment, "God, I am such an idiot."

He stepped closer to me, and I finally looked up at him. "Why do you think you’re an idiot?" He sounded genuinely confused and concerned.

It’s the concern that made my mouth open again. "I didn’t expect this." I took a deep breath shaking my head, trying to formulate my explanation. "I mean, I knew I would… I knew she would still," I let out a deep sigh. "I knew she was still in your life, but I wasn’t ready for how hard it hit me." I pulled back away from the countertop and leaned against the wall covering my eyes with my hand. "I wasn’t ready for this."

"Weren’t ready for what?"

Might as well say it
I told myself…
just spit it out
… say
it out loud and see how he reacts to it
. "I’ve fallen in love with you all over again." He had the nerve to grin.

"You’ve always loved me," he smiled and with so much confidence that I found myself getting a little pissed.

"Just because I always loved you and was stupid enough to think the sun shined out of your ass, doesn’t mean that I was ever actually
in
love with you." I was angrier now and stormed out of the bathroom past him.

Walking into the bedroom, my eyes were drawn to those damn drawers again. I paused long enough for Seth to grab me and draw me into his arms. I needed his strength too badly to push away from him. "I’m sorry, baby; I was trying to get you to laugh. I know what you mean, I really do. It was always different for us. You sort of idolized me and I always did my best to live up to that expectation and keep that distance from you. It’s different now… stronger" he stroked my back.

"Too strong," I admitted venomously. "I don’t like feeling as though I’m out on this ledge all alone." I wanted so badly for him to return my full feelings, to tell me he loved me, but I wanted him to feel it, not just say it because he knew I wanted to hear it.

"You’re not alone, Lexie." Smiling down at me, he placed his hand on my cheek and I leaned into it. "I’ve wanted to talk to you alone all day. I wanted to tell you…"

At that second, the door to the motor coach flew open and Gene burst in. "Gary is on his way! Wyatt radioed me and said he wasn’t happy that you’d left. He’s comin’ to drag you back."

Seth’s nostrils flared and he gritted his teeth, "Crap!" Turning back to me, his features softened, "Remember, you’re not alone, we’ll continue this later." He kissed me quickly before rushing out of the motor coach. I looked out the window in time to see a guy much smaller than Seth pull up in a golf cart vehicle I hadn’t seen before. He looked pissed and was yelling as Seth jumped into the passenger side of the cart then they sped away.

Gene and I watched the pre-qualifying coverage on TV just after Seth left. When I got antsy and began pacing the floor of the motor coach, Gene announced that it was time to get a closer look. We climbed on board the vehicle called "Kenny" and drove through the motor coach lot. The second we left the gates of the "drivers and families lot" everything changed. Everyone looked at us in the vehicle and watched us pass by.

Gene leaned over and said, "They’re tryin to see if we’re someone worth lookin’ at. Ya get used to it."

It was very odd being looked at constantly and yet trying to pretend as if you weren’t. Finally, we pulled up to the garage area that was really just a big long building with bays. It looked like a horse stall for big metal horses. Gene offered me his hand as we got out and headed toward the building. I had no idea where I was going, so I gratefully took his hand and followed him as he pointed things out. "Jake’s garage is over there." I could barely make out Jake’s form surrounded by a bunch of other guys.

Once inside the building where Seth’s car was, Gene pulled me along through a throng of fans. "We’re going through them people and into the garage." Gene directed as he pushed me forward to lead the way. I tried to push my way through the crowd, but no one was budging. After a very long five feet, Gene took over and slid us around and through the people and up to the divider that separated the crew from the fans. A security guard stepped forward and checked our badges before allowing us entrance.

The first thing I noticed was the look on everyone’s faces. They were all acutely focused, but they seemed to be pretty positive.
That must mean something good, right?
I asked myself. I spotted Seth, and he must have seen me in that moment because he came walking over to me.

I noticed that the guys weren’t spending a lot of time working on Seth’s car, but there were all kinds of noises coming from the garages on either side of Seth’s.

Seth leaned a little closer to me. "It’s really frustrating to be so close to you and not be able to touch you, not to mention that I’m about to punch at least five of my own crew for the comments they’ve made about how hot you are." I rolled my eyes in response to his last statement. "What? You don’t see it?" I looked away with exasperation. I knew I was attractive, but to get a whole garage of guys commenting on me with all the fans floating around here in their skimpy, attention seeking outfits, just didn’t seem likely. "Those jeans you’re wearing are driving me insane showing off your tight butt, and every time you lean over to look at anything, I can’t take my eyes off your breasts. I can’t stop remembering what it’s like to have your long legs wrapped around me. Crazy… it’s driving me crazy not to touch you."

A truly genuine smile crossed my face at his flattery. It did make me feel better that he wanted me so much.

"By the way, more than a few guys have asked if you’re fair game."

"And what did you tell them?" I asked with smug curiosity. It was good that he was being put in a tough spot. He deserved a little discomfort in this situation.

"I wanted to say ‘stay the hell away from her, she’s mine,' but I had to settle for, 'Desmond would kill you if you ever touched her.' It’s started several discussions on who would be most likely to be able to take Desmond down. They’re lucky I’m in a good mood or I’d be taking them on too."

"Why
are
you in a good mood?" It seemed unfair that I should be so miserable while he was having such a great time.

Even though it was clear that there was too much noise in the garage for anyone to understand our hushed conversation, I still leaned a little closer to Seth to make my next remark… just in case. "I should have shown you the picture of me from the fraternity Halloween party last year. Each of the sisters dressed up as a dominatrix. I still have the leather thigh high boots, the black bustier and the see-through thong… Oh! And the whip..." I knew I was getting the right reaction from him when he put his index finger to my lips to stop me from saying anything further.

"Evil, ridiculously sexy woman." His eyes burned passionately into me. How was I supposed to maintain a solid anger at him when he was going to go and look smolderingly at me like that? I was turning to a pile of mush just looking at him and remembering what it felt like to be in his arms.

One of the crew members interrupted us as he suddenly appeared at Seth’s side. "Seth, press is gathered by the hauler, they’d like a quick interview." I watched Seth as he nodded.

"Things’ll get kind of crazy around here now, so stick with Des and Gene," he leaned closer to my ear as a car started up in a stall not far from us, "try not to encourage any of my poor crew members to pursue you, I don’t want to have to kill any of them before the race tomorrow." He smiled at me, his eyes sparkling with laughter and warmth then walked out of the garage toward the haulers that were parked across from the garages.

I was staring in the direction Seth had walked even though there were a great deal of people between us now, and I could just barely make out his white polo shirt. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Desmond approach me.

"You two have sure become good friends again. What were you talking about?" He sounded very protective, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he had figured it all out about Seth and me. It wasn’t as though he was some estranged brother that didn’t care to know his sister very well, he was my Des. He knew me better than anyone—well, almost better than anyone. At this moment, Seth was definitely at the top of the list of those who knew me best and not just because he knew me in a biblical sense. There were so many times when I didn’t really need to explain anything to Seth, he just understood me. Thinking about that, about him knowing me, helped me to put into perspective his reaction to my confession of love. He probably knew I loved him long before I even realized my own feelings. It would explain his lack of surprise and his comment after I told him, "You’ve always loved me."

"Hmm. All the same, it’s best to stay away from him. Even if there were some feelings there, you shouldn’t act on them, Lex. You know Seth’s like a brother to me, but the boy just can’t commit to anyone. He gets into a relationship and bails before it gets too serious. Poor Alexandria, she’s just the latest of a long line of women he has run from. I don’t want that to happen to you."

"I love you Des, you know that right?" He nodded as he threw his arm around my shoulders and squeezed a little one armed hug. "You’re the best brother a girl could have."

"I know, I know, and of course, the most handsome right? Most charismatic? Most generous? Most…"

"Don’t push it, Des," I warned with a laugh as he smiled.

"Qualifying will start soon and the cars will be coming and going. It’s tough to know what’s going on unless you’re in front of a screen. As soon as Seth changes into his fire suit, we’ll go watch the times roll in on the TV in the hauler."

Wyatt pulled me back toward the hauler and into the small room within it. The qualifying coverage was already on, and there were some people already standing around the TV watching the results. I followed Wyatt to the couch and sat next to him as we waited for Seth to take his turn qualifying. It was difficult to follow what they were saying since it was noisy outside to begin with, but my viewing ease was further hindered by the fact that I knew absolutely nothing about the people they were mentioning. They might as well as have been discussing Big Bird and Elmo out there for all the good the names were doing for me. That is, until they started to discuss Seth.