Rainbow Road (20 page)

Jason lay back as Kyle crouched in, slipping his legs beside Jason’s.

“Here, squeeze up next to me,” Jason said, and somehow managed to zip them both up inside the bag. He wrapped his warm arms around Kyle. His chest pressed so close against Kyle’s back that Kyle could feel Jason’s heartbeat.

“The ground’s rock-hard out here,” Kyle complained, not wanting to feel so close to Jason. His thoughts were too mixed up inside. When Jason didn’t say anything, Kyle gave a sigh. “I don’t know, Jason.”

“About what?” Jason replied, planting a warm kiss on Kyle’s ear.

“About
us,
” Kyle clarified. “This trip hasn’t turned out like I’d thought.” He felt Jason’s lips pul away. This obviously wasn’t the best conversation to have with both of them wedged in together. But they had to have it sometime.

“Has it turned out like
you
thought?” Kyle asked.

“No, not exactly.” Jason’s voice sounded guarded. “I thought we’d have more time together, just you and me. And there’s a lot of stuff I hadn’t expected.”

“Me too,” Kyle said, and then he was quiet. He wanted to say more—a lot more—but how? How could he tel the boy in whose arms he lay—the boy he’d thought he loved with al his heart—that his feelings were changing?

“Are you stil mad about the guys with the truck?” Jason asked.

“No …” Kyle hesitated, trying to sort out his words. “That just realy scared me.” Jason was quiet a moment, then he asked, “Are you stil angry I yeled at Esau’s dad?”

“No, but that scared me too.” Even now, lying beside Jason, it confused Kyle how this boy who’d been so consistently gentle with him could so easily show such aggression with someone else.

“You know I’d never hurt you, Kyle,” Jason whispered reassuringly.

“I know.” Kyle sighed. “It’s not that.”

“Are you stil mad about that girl?”

“Oh, yeah!” Kyle exclaimed. “I’m
still
angry about that.”

Jason let out a breath. “I said I’m sorry, Kyle. Tel me what else I can do. I’l do it.” Kyle stared up at the stars, wishing he had an answer. “It’s not just that, Jason. It’s … I’m just not sure about us anymore.” Behind him, he felt Jason’s chest contract, as if Kyle had accidentaly struck him. And this time around, Kyle wasn’t sure what to answer when Jason asked, “So does that mean you want to breakup?”

Inside the sleeping bag, Jason’s heart beat anxiously as he waited for Kyle’s response. He was certain that this time Kyle would want to break up.

After al, he didn’t blame Kyle for being angry with him and having doubts about their relationship. Jason had doubts too. The difference was that Jason’s doubts usualy focused on himself. For in spite of being a star basketbal athlete and good at other sports, he was wel aware of his failings.

To begin with, he wasn’t anywhere near as smart as Kyle. And even though other people told him he was good-looking, when he looked in the mirror he saw were imperfect teeth and huge eyebrows. His feet were too big. He hated his nose. He knew he sometimes had a temper problem, and it scared him that he might turn out like his dad, angry and bitter. He stil couldn’t forgive himself for the way he’d hurt Debra. And he felt like a screwup for having lost his basketbal scholarship.

In sum, there were times when he hated himself. How could he expect Kyle to want to be involved with him?

As they’d dated, every time Kyle told him something sweet, like “I believe in you,” “You’re a role model,” or even “I love you,” Jason had often thought,
That’s
what you think. Wait till you really get to know me and realize how confused and messed-up I am
.

But he’d kept silent, hoping that what Kyle was saying might be true.

Now he realized: no such luck.

As he’d feared, during the course of their road trip Kyle had unavoidably glimpsed who Jason realy was. No wonder Kyle doubted their relationship. He probably wanted to climb out of Jason’s sleeping bag and run as fast and as far away as possible.

“Jason,” Kyle replied at last, “would you please stop asking me if I want to break up every time we have a discussion? That doesn’t help.” Jason squirmed in the sleeping bag. Clearly that wasn’t the response he’d expected. Was Kyle avoiding his question? “Kyle,” Jason insisted, “I want to know the truth. Do you want to break up?”

“No,” Kyle said sharply. “If I wanted to break up, would I be scrunched up in here with you? Do you want to break up?”

“No!” Jason replied, his thoughts spinning. “But then why did you say you’re not sure about us anymore?”

“Because I’m not!” Kyle began shifting his body around in the cramped sleeping bag, turning to face Jason. “I’m scared and angry with you and realy hurt by what you did. But that doesn’t mean I want to break up.”

Jason stared into Kyle’s face, only inches away, and struggled to understand. If Kyle felt so bad with him, why did he stil want to be with him?

“I don’t get it,” he told Kyle. “If not being sure about us doesn’t mean you’re thinking about breaking up, then what does it mean?”

“It means …” Kyle’s eyes closed for a moment as if he were trying to sort out his thoughts. “I guess I had this image of you as this guy I’d always wished I could be: strong, athletic—”

“But you
are
athletic,” Jason interrupted.

“Not like you, Jason. I’m basicaly a math nerd who can swim a good freestyle.”

“But you learned to shoot baskets,” Jason insisted.

“Because you taught me! Now would you please be quiet and listen?”

Jason pressed his jaw shut, although it hurt hearing Kyle put himself down.

“It’s like I got caught up in this image of you,” Kyle continued, “after you came out, with al the media and fan mail you got. I know it sounds dorky, but it’s like you were some sort of god. I remember at prom everyone watching me dance with you. I felt like the luckiest guy on earth. Then when you got invited to California, I felt for sure I was going on a dream trip with this hero everyone adores. I guess I kind of put you on a pedestal.” Jason’s eyes searched Kyle’s face, trying to understand. “Kyle, I’m far from perfect.”

“I know …” Kyle’s eyes shifted away, embarrassed. “At least I thought I did. So much has happened so fast on this trip. It’s like I’m jet-lagged, and we’ve only been driving.”

He smiled, but Jason didn’t feel like joking. “So then, where does that leave us?” Kyle drew in a deep breath and let it out. “I had a dream you died.” He brought his face close, laying his head on Jason’s shoulder. “I know I don’t want to break up. I’m just no longer sure where this is going.”

Jason felt the warmth of Kyle’s breath. “Do you have to know?”

In his chaotic family, Jason had never known what would happen from day to day. He’d kind of gotten used to that.

Kyle raised his head and studied Jason as though he’d just asked something realy profound. “You mean like those old guys said, ‘Take it one day at a time’?” That wasn’t exactly what Jason had been thinking, but it made sense. He tried to recal: What had the old guys said was their secret? Trust … communication …

and what was the third thing? He couldn’t remember.

“Kyle, I’m trying to do the best I can. I don’t mean to screw up. Please don’t give up on me. If we break up, I’l feel like a total failure. You’re what I always wanted.”

Kyle sank into him. “And you’re what
I
always wanted. I just wish…. Why can’t we feel close like this al the time?” As Jason thought about the question, he realized he’d also learned a lot about Kyle on this trip—like the fact that he didn’t always respond wel to changes. But that was okay. They kind of balanced each other out.

He leaned toward Kyle and began kissing him, gently at first, but as Kyle responded, their kisses became more fervent. They held their bodies close, pressing together and feeling each other’s growing excitement. But their passion was thwarted by the stirrings of campers down the road and the approaching dawn.

“Hey,” Jason whispered. “Let’s go see the sun rise over the canyon.”

“What about Nelson?” Kyle asked.

“He’l be al right. He needs to sleep. Come on. Just you and me.”

Kyle’s brow knitted up, as if thinking. “Okay, but let me leave him a note … and some water.” Once they were in the car, it was a twenty-minute drive through the crisp dawn chil from their campground to the canyon’s South Rim.

“Do you think we’l make it in time?” Kyle asked as they entered the park.

They folowed a line of cars, al apparently with the same purpose, to the parking lot and then hurried with the other tourists to the viewing platform at the canyon’s edge.

Jason pointed out a bench for Kyle to stand on and better see above the crowd. Then he positioned himself on the ground below Kyle, draping Kyle’s arms over his shoulders, not caring if anyone saw them.

Together they watched the eastern sky turn blue, then gray, then pink, then orange, til the sun first appeared—a tiny white dot of light between a butte and a mesa.

Then as the orb turned golden, its first rays burst forth, turning al heads west. The crowd inhaled a colective gasp as a show of flame blazed steadily across the canyon’s rock layers—orange, burgundy, crimson, and gold—while shadows withdrew like a tide down to the canyon’s floor.

The grandeur of the spectacle made Jason’s drama with Kyle seem so insignificant by comparison. After al, if this magnificent gorge had been formed one drop of water at a time, maybe there was hope for Kyle and him, one day at a time.

Nelson woke sweating atop his sleeping bag, his mouth feeling dry as the desert. He glanced around the sun-hot tent. What time was it? Where was he? Where had Kyle and Jason gone? Slowly, he recaled last night’s events: getting sick … the hospital … the adorable doctor … crying over the phone with his mom …

Beside his pilow someone had placed a bottle of water. Kyle, no doubt. Nelson guzzled it down. Then he crawled forward to gaze out the mesh door.

Across the campground road, in the shade of the bathhouse, Kyle and Jason sat on the sidewalk, playing cards.

“Hey!” Nelson shouted weakly. “What time’s it?”

The boys looked up from their card game and Kyle glanced at his watch. “Eleven thirty!” Nelson colapsed back onto his pilow, wiped out from weakness. A moment later, Kyle and Jason leaned in the door.

“Did you drink some water?” Kyle asked.

“You look like crap,” Jason told him.

“I feel like crap. How long have you guys been up?”

Kyle gave Jason a conspiratorial glance. “We went to watch the sunrise.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?” Nelson grumbled. “I wanted to see that.”

“You needed to sleep,” Jason told him. “We’l go back for sunset.”

Nelson stared at Kyle and Jason. At least it seemed they were getting along better.

After he’d taken a shower, the three of them drove to Grand Canyon Vilage. They spent most of the day trying to escape the heat by hanging inside the AC of the visitor’s center, the cafeteria, and the lodge lobby. They were stil beat from the night before and took turns sneaking a nap wherever they could. And al the while, Kyle kept prodding Nelson to drink more water. “The doctor said you have to stay hydrated.” Around five o’clock, it finaly began to cool outside and the boys wandered to the trail overlooking the canyon.

“That’s it?” Nelson peered over the edge. “It’s just a big hole.”

But the sunset was pretty awesome, and it was sweet to see Kyle and Jason holding hands as they watched it.

Early that night al three of them crawled into their sleeping bags. And early next morning they set out on their final stretch to L.A.

Nelson found the drive through western California realy, realy boring: mostly more desert and bleak jagged mountains—pretty much the same as the last three states they’d left behind.

Then
bam!
As they crossed the San Bernardino Mountains, the first L.A. suburbs appeared in ambush. Except they didn’t look like Nelson expected: with green lawns and kidney-shaped swimming pools, like in movies. Instead, concrete strip mals spread out in every direction, seemingly forever.

“L.A.! We made it.” Jason punched the horn at the sight of downtown’s skyscrapers, shouting, “Woo-hoo!”

“Hey!” Nelson pretended to scold him. “That’s my job. Woo-hoo!”

“You need to take Highway 101.” Kyle guided them from the backseat toward the school. In spite of his directions, they almost overlooked the old Spanish-style stucco building wedged between a warehouse and a film lab.

“It’s not exactly Beverly Hils High,” Nelson remarked as they parked in front.

But inside, the Harry Hay School appeared newly remodeled. Hammers banged from down the hal. Phones rang. Several families waited in the lobby. Among them, an African-American mom clutched her hands. A dad gazed uneasily toward the ceiling. Beside them sat an uncertain-gender teen dressed in jeans and baggy shirt. His/her head gleefuly bobbed to the music from headphones.

Nelson wondered,
What would it have been like to go to an alternative high school like this ? To be able to go through the day without being called a
gazillion names? To not have to fight a principal who tried to block them from starting a Gay-Straight Alliance?

“We’re here to see the principal, Ms. Yamamoto,” Jason told the receptionist.

“Do you have an appointment?” she asked.

“This is Jason Carrilo,” Kyle answered. “He’s speaking at the opening tomorrow.” From behind the receptionist’s filing cabinet, a boy with briliant pink hair appeared. Nelson’s jaw dropped. As their eyes met, he couldn’t help but smile, as did the boy.

“You’re Jason?” the boy asked, walking over to Nelson.

Nelson felt an immediate, almost electric connection. The boy looked to be about his age. They were the same height and thin build, though the boy had brown eyes, tan skin, and lips so tender-looking Nelson wished he could kiss them. Right then and there.

“Um, no.” He pointed. “
That’s
Jason. I’m Nelson.”

The boy’s eyes shifted briefly to Jason but came back to Nelson. “I’m Manny.” He extended his hand. “That’s short for Manuel.”

“Hey, I like your hair.” Nelson grinned, feeling the warmth of Manny’s palm.