Real Ultimate Power (15 page)

N
injas don't hold hot babes and listen to them complain all night—they pork them. BUT, before a ninja can pork a hot babe, they have get them all hot and ready. They do this through romance, telling them compliments about their blouse, or buying them a dinner platter. But if you don't want to do any of that stuff, then here are some tips to be romantic like a ninja:

Now, if you do all that stuff I told you and you finally get the girl into the basement, you can dry ride her—it's like making out, but without the commitment. Here's how:

And if somebody's dad comes home, you can stop immediately without a problem—so, who cares!

I
n each ninja clan, there is a division of power. Bosses are at the top. Usually there's only one ninja boss, because it's easier that way, but sometimes there's more if nobody wins the fight (draw). Then there's a secretary who writes down what they talk about in meetings, not secrets though—that would be insane. And the rest of the ninjas are regular ninjas. You can either work alone or you can join a clan. Sometimes, it's good to join a clan, because you can exchange weapons when you get bored of yours, and you can also change home base every couple days or so. But if you work alone, you don't have to vote on anything. Plus, you can make your own hours. And if you don't need anyone in your life, then it's probably best to work by yourself. Plus, it's pretty difficult to join a clan. First, you've got to know other ninjas, and that's tough for the obvious reasons. And then you have to get them to like you, which is almost impossible if your mom doesn't even like you.

Not everybody can handle joining a ninja clan, though. To get in, you have to eat burning charcoal and pick up hot pans with your bare hands or you can just stick your head in boiling grease for two seconds.

A lot of people recommend finding a clan that's older than you, because they can teach you a lot about sniping and secret paths, but those clans are really hard to get into. Besides, sometimes it's better to join a clan of people younger than you, because you can take over since you're probably bigger than everybody else. Then they'll be your personal servants, and you can make them carry you to your next victim and everything.

There was a younger clan in the neighborhood. I talked to them a couple times, but they were pretty disorganized. So I didn't even bother. But there was another one that was better, and I asked the leader whether he knew anything about ninjas. He said, “Yeah.” and I was like, “Can you back it up?” and he said, “Maybe.” So I really wanted to get in. But, then, they said I would probably get too excited and screw up a mission. So I was like, “COME ON!” and he was like, “No way! Look how you're acting now.” And I was like, “This is how ninjas act!” And he was like, “No.” That's O.K., though, because there's no way I could take someone like that seriously.

It doesn't matter anyway, I choose to work on my own because I don't like explaining myself, and I always end up doing all the work anyway. So to start your own ninja clan, you have to have a base. It can either be in the woods or made out of blankets. It
has
to be accessible for dogs that want to be a part of it. You've got to have weapons, which I'll talk about later. And you've got to be a
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ninja.
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And
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that's
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it!
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