Rebecca's Rose (14 page)

That evening after Levi left, they gathered around Mamm’s bed and stared at her as if she had just broken out in spots. Mamm sat up slowly and studied each child’s face.

Rebecca stood at the foot of the bed with Linda on her right and Max and Danny to her left. The unusual show of unity got Mamm’s attention.

“Mamm,” Rebecca began, “we want to discuss something with you.”

Mamm hesitated then patted the quilt tucked around her legs. “Cum, sit, all of you. There’s plenty of room.”

The three younger siblings sat on the bed while Rebecca remained standing. “Linda told you about Levi,” Rebecca said.

“Of course she did. You would not want to keep that kind of secret from me, would you?” Mamm motioned for Rebecca to sit by her at the head of the bed. Rebecca hesitated then obeyed. “Linda says he worked like an ox.”

“Jah, Mamm,” Danny said. “He fixed the lawn mower and cleaned out the stalls.”

Smiling calmly, Mamm took Rebecca’s hand. “It wonders me why he came.”

“To help with the chores,” Danny said.

“Nae, that is what he did. But
why
did he mow our lawn?”

“It needed mowing,” Danny said.

“He likes Rebecca,” Max volunteered.

“Now we come to it,” Mamm said. “He likes our Rebecca.”

Rebecca felt herself blush.

“What district is his family in?” Mamm asked. “Do I know them?”

“I don’t think so,” Rebecca stammered.

Mamm brushed a wisp of hair behind her daughter’s ear. “Linda says he is very handsome.”

“And tall.” Linda added. “With muscles.”

Mamm nodded patiently. “So he can lift the heavy things.”

“He wants to come every Wednesday to help us on the farm,” Rebecca said.

She saw the weariness appear on her mother’s face. “Hmm. I see. And you are wondering what your fater will have to say about that.”

Max folded his arms across his chest. “Fater will forbid it.”

Mamm sighed and attempted a smile. “You are gute children, and yours is such a burden.”

“Fater would never have to know,” Danny said.

“Nae, Danny, I will not keep secrets from your fater.”

A vein pulsed behind Rebecca’s ear. She drew back from her mamm and walked to the door. “Then that’s the end of it,” she said, anger choking her from the inside out.

“Wait, Rebecca.”

Rebecca refused to look at her mamm—didn’t want her to sense the disappointment—but she couldn’t keep the resentment from creeping into her voice. “I must get to the milking, Mamm. Linda has a sore finger.”

“Rebecca,” she heard Mamm call from halfway down the hall.

She should have known Levi’s helping on the farm was too good to last. But at least she could see him every Friday. She refused to let Fater steal her few hours of freedom every week. At least rumschpringe gave her that much liberty. Mamm may have promised to love and obey Fater, but Rebecca didn’t feel the same obligation. Jah, she tried to honor her parents, but was her desire for her own life unreasonable?

Rebecca stormed down the hall.

Why couldn’t her fater see reason? Why must Mamm submit to his every wish?

Ach, I am so wicked. At least I have a fater
.

Rebecca let the screen door slam behind her, and she snatched the pail from the porch before stomping off to the pasture. She clapped her hands, and the two cows ambled toward her. Slapping their rumps, she guided them into the barn and hooked them to their posts.

After washing the teats, she scooped up the short stool and planted herself next to Snowball. Her hands milked with the speed of second nature. The mundane task left her mind free to ponder her sins. When her resentment subsided, the familiar guilt took its place. How could she be so ungrateful when her life was so gute? She didn’t have rheumatoid arthritis like her mother—yet—and she had working hands and legs.

She slipped her hand into her apron pocket and fingered the folded piece of paper she kept there. She thought of Dottie Mae and her list. Her best friend was gone, but Rebecca was alive—living and breathing. How could she be so ungrateful?

Rebecca milked Snowball in record time. She retrieved an empty pail from the corner and moved her stool to milk the second Jersey.

Max startled her when he came up behind her and gently took the stool. “I’ll do it,” he said, reaching for the pail.

“Nae, I am okay.”

“Don’t be a martyr, Rebecca. There’s plenty more for you to do in the house.”

She let him pull the pail from her fingers.

“He is a pest, but it has been a long while since I have seen you smile like that,” Max said. “I hope he is allowed to come back.”

Rebecca turned her face from him. “I will mop.” She left the barn without a second look.

I am so wicked. Yesterday I had a brother who would die before he volunteered for a job. Today is a new day.

Denki, Lord, for a new day.

Before Rebecca reached the house, the screen door opened and Mamm hobbled onto the porch on her cane. The tortured look on Mamm’s face made it plain that she moved with great effort.

“Mamm!” Rebecca cried, bolting up the steps. “What are you doing?”

She caught her mother by the arm and tried to lead her back into the house.

Mamm shook her head. “Nae, nae, I came out to have an interview with my daughter.”

With Mamm leaning heavily at Rebecca’s side, they limped to the bench and sat in unison.

Rebecca sighed. “Mamm, I can come to your room if you want to talk to me. You do not have to put yourself through this.”

“I tried to have a talk with you in my room, but you jumped up and ran out the door like the house was on fire.”

Rebecca felt her face grow hot. “I suppose I did.”

Mamm patted her hand. “I thought perhaps by coming here, you might be convinced that this is as important to me as it is to you.”

Rebecca took a deep breath and looked away. She must not say or do anything to upset Mamm. Her burden was heavy enough. “Please do not worry yourself, Mamm.” She spoke rapidly so the bitterness would not choke her and Mamm would not detect the fake cheerfulness. “I manage fine here. I am glad Levi came today. He helped very much. But we have gotten along quite well without him before this, and we will get along quite well after. I am sorry I seemed upset. I truly did have to milk the cows.”

Stiffly, Mamm lifted her arm and wrapped it around Rebecca’s shoulder and pulled her close. “You
are
upset, and if you had an ounce of selfishness in your body, you would jump off this porch and run as far away from here as possible.”

The warmth of her mother’s touch almost broke through her defenses. At that moment, Rebecca wanted to bury her face into her mother’s neck and cry like a baby. But she didn’t. No tears of self-pity today.

“Oh, heartzly, you bottle too much inside.” Mamm shook her head. “Listen to me. I am trying to comfort you and still I criticize. Poor
buplie
. Poor baby. You get nothing but criticism. Shame on me.”

Rebecca swallowed the lump in her throat. “Don’t worry, Mamm. I am fine, really.” She attempted a smile. “I hate to see you suffer, that’s all.”

Mamm frowned and rested her chin on the top of Rebecca’s head. “This is my own fault. I have been so wrapped up with my own trials that I have not been mindful of my eldest daughter. You do not trust me with the secrets of your heart.”

“Nae, Mamm, I am fine.” Rebecca’s mother winced when Rebecca pulled away from her. “And you should be in bed.”

Rebecca stood and held out her hand for her mother to take. A short, relatively harmless conversation. Mamm needed her rest.

Mamm took her hand but, with more strength than Rebecca thought Mamm possessed, pulled her daughter back to the bench. “Sit here with me,” Mamm said quietly.

Rebecca held on to her mother’s hand as they sat. She began to massage Mamm’s knuckles. This always brought Mamm much relief. Mamm furrowed her brow and pulled her hand away. “I have taken advantage of your kindness, Rebecca. We all have.”

“Mamm, I am fine,” Rebecca insisted. Mamm would be flat on her back for weeks after this ruckus. Why had she not tempered her initial reaction in Mamm’s bedroom? So much trouble could have been avoided.

“You’ve had a long day,” Mamm said.

“Jah,” Rebecca said, happy for an excuse. “It has been a busy day, and I am tired.”

Mamm motioned with her fingers. “Cum, put your legs on my lap, and I will rub your feet.”

“How could you even suggest that?”

The wounded expression on Mamm’s face spoke for itself. Rebecca chastised herself once again. Somehow she had made things worse.

“My feet feel gute. I do not want you to hurt your hands,” Rebecca said.

Mamm ran her fingers along Rebecca’s arm. “The Master washed His disciples’ feet. Will you not let me do as much for my daughter?”

Her mother gave her such a forlorn look that, instead of refusing, Rebecca hesitated. “Fater would be angry.”

There it is, Mamm. Contradict me if you dare.

Mamm looked as if she had just received the news of a death in the family. “Cannot you accept my gift?”

“Why does it mean that much to you?” Rebecca said.

“Because I never do anything for you. You do everything for me. Do you know how worthless I feel?”

“Never, never say that, Mamm. You are the world to me.” Rebecca sighed in resignation and took off her shoes. “If it will make you happy to rub my feet, then go ahead and do it.”

Giving in to her mother’s wishes did not produce the effect Rebecca expected. Mamm slowly kneaded her forehead with the tips of her fingers. “Rebecca,” she said, her voice cracking with every syllable, “forgive me. Everything you have done is because you wanted to make me happy. You only now agree to let me rub your feet because it will make me happy.” She took Rebecca’s face in her palms. “What have I done to you?”

Rebecca didn’t want pity, and she didn’t want a deep, heartfelt conversation with her mamm. There was too much to hide, too much to distress her mother. “Mamm, I am fine.”

Mamm lowered her hands and seemed momentarily confused by what she should do next. Rebecca felt sorry but didn’t know what to say. Mamm now felt like she couldn’t ask for anything because she believed Rebecca would only do it to please her. Neither could Mamm offer anything, because again, she thought Rebecca would only accept kindness to make her happy.

They sat for a long time, watching the sunset, and Rebecca was about to suggest that Mamm go back to bed when Mamm said, “Do you remember when we set up that quilt under the tree and quilted it with Dottie Mae and her mother?”

“Jah, it was the summer before she died.”

“And you hated to quilt, but Dottie Mae loved it.”

Rebecca smiled. “She would tease me that I would never make a gute wife because I could not sew a straight stitch.”

“We would quilt while you weeded the flower beds.” Mamm fidgeted on the bench. “Could you move this pillow behind my back?”

Rebecca picked up the blue quilted pillow that sat permanently on the bench and adjusted it until Mamm said she was comfortable. Mamm closed her eyes and breathed in the fresh summer air. She sat for several seconds with a serene expression on her face. Rebecca leaned and rested her head on her mother’s shoulder. She still loved her mother’s comfort, even if she seldom accepted it.

“Do you know why your fater stays away so much?” Mamm said.

“His job in Milwaukee pays gute money,” Rebecca said.

“You know he could find enough work in Apple Lake to support our family.” Mamm turned Rebecca’s chin up to look at her. “Don’t you?”

“Jah, I know he could.”

Mamm squeezed Rebecca’s hand. “But he is not strong enough to stay with his family and do what needs to be done.”

Rebecca looked at her mother in surprise.

“I do not want you to think I am against your fater, Rebecca. He is a gute man. He works hard for our family, but the responsibility to care for his wife, his children, and the farm is too heavy. He cannot bear it.”

“I do not understand,” Rebecca said.

“He is ashamed that he does not have your strength. He stays away so he does not have to face his weakness. He rails at you about the farm not being better cared for because he knows deep in his heart that he has not the strength to stay home and take care of it himself. Can you imagine living with that shame? It is a shame that prompts him to refuse every offer of help because he cannot bear to admit that he needs help. Do you see?”

Rebecca nodded slowly. “Jah, I see.”

“Your father is the head of our home and we abide by his wishes because it is right to do so, but we also do it because we do not want to compound his shame.”

Rebecca’s confusion mounted. “Do you love Fater?”

“I love him very much. That is why I will not let him be hurt. But I see his weaknesses just as he sees mine. You have the brunt of the responsibility on the farm. We have taken advantage of your willingness and honest heart. This must stop. This Levi—he is a gute boy?”

“Jah, very gute.”

“And he likes you very much.”

“I do not know.”

“A boy spends a whole day working on your farm, putting up with your little brothers…he likes you. Does he want to marry you?”

Thinking about the answer to that question made Rebecca feel unexpectedly despondent. Marriage was impossible. She was Amish; he, Englisch But the thought that they would be forced to part sometime down the road made her ill. He had become her confidant, the only person to whom she felt comfortable telling her secrets. Could she give him up like a pair of shoes she had outgrown?

“He does not want to marry me,” she finally stuttered.

Mamm smiled as if she knew the real answer. “Tell him he will be in trouble on Wednesday if he does not do me the kindness of introducing himself.”

“Fater will not approve. You do not have to raise my hopes.”

“It is time I put a little more effort into my daughter’s happiness,” Mamm said. She hugged Rebecca, though Rebecca knew the movement cost her much pain. “You leave it to me. Your fater will see reason, Lord willing. Just because you have never seen my fierce side doesn’t mean I do not have one.”