Rebel (15 page)

But it was too late. His girlfriend was coming with him.

He eyed his beer, then lifted the cup and started chugging. Best just to go numb, right?

GAIA STARED DOWN AT THE BOTTOM OF
the empty pint of chocolate chocolate chip ice cream.

"No more." She groaned.

She couldn't believe she'd eaten the whole thing--on top of another pint before that
plus
an amazing dinner (chicken Kiev, care of the Moss's Russian cook, Olga).... Her stomach felt like it was about to explode. She glanced up at Mary and Ed. They weren't faring much better. Mary was sprawled on the living-room couch beside her, clutching her belly. Ed was slumped in his wheelchair in front of the flickering, muted television set. He frowned at his own half-eaten bowl of Rocky Road. He looked a little pale.

"I don't know if I can finish this," he said blankly.

"Hey, kids!" Mary's mother called from the kitchen. "Do you want some more ice cream?"

Mary rolled her eyes. "Uh ... no, thanks, Mom."

Gaia exchanged a quick glance with Ed. The two of them burst out laughing. Gaia winced. She placed her own empty carton next to Ed's bowl and held her sides.

"Stop it," she moaned. "Don't make me laugh. I'm too full."

"How about a little more chicken, dear?" Ed asked, imitating Mary's mom.

"Stop it!" Gaia closed her eyes for a moment and shook her head, giggling. "I mean it. It's not funny...."

"Hey, check it out," Ed suddenly announced, pointing at the TV screen. "They're talking about all the preparations for New Year's Eve in Times Square." He snorted. "You know, I've lived in New York my whole life, but I've never gotten the whole Times Square thing. Who would actually want to
go
there? I mean, who would want to stand out in the freezing cold in Midtown, packed in like sardines with a bunch of strangers, just to watch some cheesy ball drop?"

"To be part of history, Ed," Mary answered dryly.

Gaia smirked. She didn't get it, either. She'd read somewhere that something like a million and a half people had gone there last year. And they had all been stuffed into an eight-block radius. How could they even
breathe?
She had no desire to experience New Year's Eve like that. Nope. She wanted to be someplace

like this. Sitting in a cozy apartment, enjoying the company of friends ... yes. This was perfect. This was right.

All at once Gaia felt a lump forming in her throat-- the same lump she felt a few days ago on the subway with Mary.
Oh, Jesus.
She wasn't going to get all weepy and sentimental again, was she? It was not good form.
Not for a superbadass chick like Gaia Moore.
But she couldn't help it. She hadn't been so content or relaxed since ... well, since she'd had a real family.

She swallowed.

A real family
. The words rang through her mind like the
distant cry of some tortured animal.
She shook her head. She wasn't going to think about her mother or father. Not anymore. She wasn't going to think about love lost or love turned to hate. None of that mattered anymore.
This
was her family now: Mary and Ed. They were all she needed.

"You know what's even more pathetic than watching New Year's Eve celebrations at home?" Ed asked with a grin. "Watching the
preparations
for New Year's Eve celebrations."

Gaia smiled and turned her attention to the TV screen. There was no need to dwell on the past. It was best just to have a good time. The camera panned up from the streets to the darkened crystal sphere, hovering on a long cord over Times Square. It looked like a giant disco ball. All those people would gather to see
that?
She sighed. Ed was right: It
was
kind of pathetic

watching this stuff. Besides, New Year's Eve really didn't mean anything at all. The end of the year was a totally arbitrary date. If they had been using the Chinese calendar, December 31 would be just another day.

"Oh, by the way," Ed said. "I want to take this opportunity to let you both know that I think you're the biggest losers on the planet."

Gaia kicked the back of his wheelchair.

"Hey!" He chuckled.

"How about some cookies?" Mrs. Moss called.

"Mom!" Mary yelled, grimacing.

Ed started cracking up again. "So ..." He grabbed the remote and clicked off the television, then turned his wheelchair around so that he was facing the two of them. "If we aren't gonna eat cookies, what
are
we gonna do?"

Mary raised her eyebrows. "You know, we never got a chance to finish the game."

"What game?" Ed asked.

Gaia laughed. It figured Ed wouldn't remember. "What do you think, you dope?" she asked. "Truth or dare."

Ed frowned. Then he laughed, too. He slumped deep into his chair, burying his face in his hands and shaking his head. "That's what I get for opening my big mouth...."

"Look, Ed, we won't leave the apartment this time, all right?" Mary said. "It'll be strictly indoors. It's too cold, and we're all too full--"

"But I thought the game was over," Ed interrupted.

He looked up. "Besides, isn't it customary that a game of spin the bottle always follows a game of truth or dare?"

"Where?" Mary asked dryly. "In Fargoland?"

Ed shrugged and smiled. "Hey, I'm just trying to liven things up a little bit."

"So whose turn is it?" Gaia asked, suddenly excited.
This
was the good time she'd been looking for--
the antidote to thinking about all the crap in her life.

Mary smirked at her. "Are you volunteering?"

Gaia nodded and sat up straight. "You got it."

"Okay." Mary leaned back. She looked very pleased with herself. "I think I've got a dare that'll liven things up Fargo style. Gaia?" She paused dramatically. "I dare you to make out with Ed."

For a moment Gaia was stunned into silence. She could feel a flush creeping up her cheeks. This was certainly something she hadn't expected. But then again, she should have expected no less from Mary Moss.

"That's it?" Gaia asked, filling her voice with bravado. Jeez. Did Mary think that kissing Ed was some kind of big deal? It was like kissing a brother, if she'd
had
a brother.... She glanced over at him.

Okay, not
quite
like kissing a brother. Gaia had to admit it, Ed was actually a
guy
. Her friend, yes. A complete freak sometimes. But a
guy
. And when it came to kissing guys, her track record was pretty lousy.

Gaia roused herself out of her thoughts long enough

to notice that Ed was scowling at Mary. For some reason, it sent a small pain stabbing into her chest.

"You scared or something?" she asked him, pretending to be offended.

ED COULDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.
He couldn't answer it because he
was
scared. And ashamed. And a little crestfallen, too. He'd envisioned making out with Gaia countless times, in thousands of different scenarios--but never once had he imagined
this
:
exchanging a few sloppy kisses for Mary Moss's benefit.
On the other hand ...

Gaia winked at him. At first he thought she'd seemed a little shocked, but it must have been his imagination. Gaia looked completely unruffled as always. "You ready, baby?" she mock whispered.

He barely heard the question. His heart was thumping so fast that the sound of his pulse filled his ears; he felt almost like he was buried under a thick, gauzy blanket. He no longer felt uncomfortably full, either. His stomach felt strangely empty. Regardless of whether or not this moment conformed to any fantasies he'd had, he realized that it was actually happening.

He was about to kiss Gaia Moore.

He really was. He gaped at her as she approached the wheelchair. Events unfolded way too fast when Gaia got together with Mary. One second he was watching TV; the next--

"And when I say make out, I mean make out," Mary said, giggling. "No half-assed, closed-mouthed smooching."

"I know," Gaia murmured. She stood in between his legs and leaned over him, gripping the wheelchair's hand rests to steady herself. Her face was now barely three inches from his own. He could see every detail of her porcelain skin, every fleck in her blue eyes.... He could even detect a slight tremble in her lips. He couldn't believe how soft they looked, how moist, how ...

"Uh, you sure you want to do this?" he asked, swallowing.

Instead of answering, she simply covered his lips with her own.

GAIA FELT LIKE SHE WAS FLOATING. HER
eyes were closed. Her lips felt the texture of Ed's lips; her tongue explored his mouth. For the first few seconds the motions were mechanical. Her body was acting independently of her
thoughts. Her mind drifted back through all the kisses she'd experienced in the past. But then, without warning, she shifted back to the present.

She was enjoying this.

The way Ed kissed her ... it was
tender
somehow. Caring. Loving.
Sensual.

Did Ed feel the same way? She couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. And then she stopped wondering. She forgot about Mary. She forgot about everything.

Ed's fingers brushed against her arm.

A little tingle raced down her spine.

Whoa.
What was going on here?

She
was
enjoying this. She tentatively let her fingers travel to his soft, thick hair, noticing that his hands had moved to her lower back. The sensation it caused was dizzying.

Without thinking, she pressed her body toward him. She wanted to stretch the moment as long as it would go. Ed responded, pulling her closer to him and pressing his lips more urgently onto her own. This was insane.

Suddenly Gaia was hit with the urge to pull back. She wanted to see Ed. She wanted to know what was going on in his head. She jerked away abruptly, meeting his eyes with her own baffled gaze. His face was flushed. He held Gaia's stare in a look that seemed half pain, half elation.

"Ooh, baby!" Mary cried.

And that was it.

The moment was shattered. Gaia was no longer in a private little world of two; she was back in Mary Moss's apartment, playing truth or dare. She backed away and took a deep breath. Her heart was fluttering.

Ed didn't speak. Their eyes met for a moment.

Whew. Gaia smiled. That was weird. Her feelings of a second before seemed to be floating away--like a wisp of smoke from a candle. It was formless and intangible ... and then it was gone. What had she been thinking? This was
Ed.
Her friend. She laughed and took a deep breath. It was a good thing it was someone else's turn now.

"So, Ed," she managed to say nonchalantly. "Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

That had been quite an enlightening little exchange. Quite an outpouring of emotion. Two girls, united by loneliness ...

THE NIGHT COULD BE WORSE, ED REALIZED.
It could be a hell of a lot worse.

True, he was playing the annoying game again. But on the plus side he'd eaten a great meal. And he was hanging out in a hot girl's living room. And it looked like he was going to be spending the night here. It was already almost one o'clock.

Oh, yeah. He'd also kissed Gaia Moore.

That minor little thing.
The thing that would explain why his heart was about to explode out of his chest. The thing that would explain why he could hardly breathe.

The weirdest part of it was that the memory was already fuzzy. It had happened only seconds ago, but it felt like a dream. Of course, he hadn't seen anything; his eyes had been closed. The only part of it that was clear was the sensation of her lips against his.

And that had been pretty nice. Pretty damn nice.

He shifted in his wheelchair and gazed at Gaia, stretched out on the couch beside Mary.

Yes. It
had
been nice. Hadn't it?

So why did Gaia look totally unaffected--as if nothing had happened at all? Hadn't she felt
anything?
She had pretty much initiated it by volunteering....

Then he remembered. It was part of a game.

Right. A joke. Nothing more than that. A little comedy routine between friends. Actually, in a way, the kiss

had been pretty symbolic of the way Gaia felt about him. She liked to push him. She liked to get him riled up. But only to make him laugh. In her eyes, he was the funny guy.
The sidekick.
Somebody whom she loved and wanted around--but not somebody she would ever take seriously, at least in a romantic way. That was why she had gone so far. She never would have kissed Sam Moon like that. Not in a game, anyway.

No silly dares or pranks or stunts would ever change the way she felt.

And the truly ironic (meaning shitty) thing was that she had no idea that he didn't
like
being the sidekick. She had no idea that he wanted something more out of their relationship. So. When he looked at it from that point of view,
the kiss had sucked.
But everything sucked from a certain point of view. What else was new?

"All right, Ed," Gaia said. "Your turn. You've ducked this for way too long. Truth or dare?"

He thought for a second. He could feel a sour mood creeping up on him, but he fought it back. He'd been having a lot of fun up until this point--and he wasn't going to let
his
problems ruin
their
good time. It wasn't Gaia's fault that she wasn't head over heels in love with him.

"Truth," he said.

Mary leaned over and whispered something in Gaia's ear. The two of them giggled.

Uh-oh.
Ed's face grew hot.

"Good," Gaia said. She sat up straight. "If you could have sex with anyone in the world right now, who would it be? And it has to be somebody you actually know. Not a supermodel or Madonna or anything like that."

Ed stared back at her.
You, you moron,
he felt like shouting. But there was no point. She was smiling-- mischievously, of course, but innocently, too. And he could see it in her beautiful blue eyes: She honestly didn't know that she was the only one he would
ever
want to have sex with ... in a real kind of way. Even after that kiss, she had no idea. Of course, he'd be happy to have sex with a number of other girls in a not so real way, but it wasn't the same.

There was no way he could tell her. He'd known this all along, but only now did he really see
why
he couldn't confess his love for Gaia Moore. It wasn't the fear of rejection.
He could live with rejection.

It was because he knew he'd hurt her.

If she found out how he really felt, she'd be horrified. On a variety of levels, too. One, because their relationship would never be the same; two, because she would realize that she was causing him pain; three, because there would be no way she would ever reciprocate....

"There is someone," he found himself saying.

"Really?" Gaia's eyes widened. She leaned forward. "Who?"

Mary bolted upright beside her. "Yeah," she said eagerly. "Who?"

"You ... you'll probably think it's a little weird," he said, swallowing. His pulse picked up a beat. It would be so easy to tell the truth. So easy to get it off his shoulders once and for all--

"That's okay," Gaia prodded. "Weird is good. So?"

"Phoebe Gannis," he said.

The name just popped into his head; he hadn't even been sure he was really going to say it until he uttered the words.

Gaia's face soured.
"Who?"

"Heather's sister?" Mary asked. She smiled, cocking her eyebrow. "Jeez, Ed ... I hope Heather didn't know about that while you two were dating."

Ed shrugged. In a way, his answer hadn't been a complete lie. He'd always had a little crush on Phoebe. And it had definitely been at its height while he was seeing Heather.

"Wait a second," Gaia said, raising her hands and glancing between Ed and Mary. Her brow was tightly furrowed. "Heather Gannis has a
sister?
How come I didn't know about this?"

"She has two, actually. Phoebe goes to college upstate," Ed said. "She's never around."

Gaia frowned. "Is Phoebe ... Does she look like Heather?"

Ed allowed himself a little smile. He was almost

certain that Gaia was going to ask:
Is she pretty?
But that would mean acknowledging that Heather was pretty, and Gaia hated giving Heather any compliments--even indirectly. She was jealous of the girl. She had good reason, obviously; Heather was dating the guy of her dreams. But it was nice to know that Gaia occasionally experienced the same kinds of emotions as everyone else. Ed sometimes had a hard time remembering that.

"She's a lot better looking," he said. That wasn't a lie, either.

Mary laughed. "This is
very
interesting. You know, Ed--"

"Oh my God!" He slapped his forehead. "I totally forgot. My mom told me I
have
to come home tonight because we're having my grandparents over tomorrow." He turned and rolled over toward the door.
Now
he was lying. But they didn't have to know that. He was starting to realize that he'd been wrong about this night from the start. It would suck to spend the night here. He wouldn't be able to get any sleep. He'd just lie awake, thinking about Gaia.
So tantalizingly close.
Forget it. No way. He'd been through enough emotional crap already. "I'm really sorry--"

"But it's almost one o'clock," Gaia protested. "How are you gonna get home?"

"There are tons of cabs," he said, grabbing the doorknob. "It'll be no problem. Don't worry." He

smiled over his shoulder. "You guys have fun, all right?"

Mary and Gaia glanced at each other.

"Uh ... all right," Gaia said reluctantly. "But it's not the same without you."

He smirked. "I'm sure you'll figure out a way to make up for my absence," he said. He turned and headed into the hall. "See you later."

"Be safe," they called at the same time.

"You too," he said.

Amazingly, he felt pretty good as he rolled through the silent, darkened apartment to the front door. Weird. Things really
could
be worse. He had two good friends.
Friends who actually saw past his wheelchair to the person sitting in it.
How many people in his situation could say that? And so what if one of them drove him crazy? So what if he would always be in love with her? Being the sidekick wasn't
all
bad. No.

The world wasn't perfect, as he well knew. Far from it.

"SO IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME
again," Gaia said with a sigh.

Mary settled in against the opposite end of the couch. "I guess so," she murmured. She was bummed to see Ed go. For the first time in a long while, she felt

like she'd made a breakthrough with him--like she was actually hanging around with Ed Fargo, her
friend
. As opposed to the sad guy who'd suffered a terrible accident. As opposed to the guy whom she pitied but wanted to avoid. And she knew that Gaia was to thank for the change. Gaia was so comfortable and easygoing with him that Mary just couldn't help being that way, too. And it wasn't even an act. She honestly hadn't thought of his wheelchair once.

On the other hand, Ed hated truth or dare. Mary grinned. There was no denying it:
The game was a lot more fun when he wasn't around.

"Does that mean it's your turn?" Gaia asked.

"Yeah."

"So?" Gaia turned on her side, propping her head up with her elbow. She smiled. "Truth or dare?"

"I know if I pick dare, you're gonna make me eat another pint of ice cream or something. So I gotta go with truth."

Gaia nodded, but her eyes suddenly grew serious. "All right. Truth." She hesitated for a few seconds. "Why do you think you got addicted to coke?"

Mary blinked. Jesus.
That
wasn't the question she'd been expecting. It wasn't exactly in the madcap spirit of New Year's Eve fun. Mary had been thinking more along the lines of: Are you a virgin? What's the most disgusting thing you've ever done with a guy? Et cetera, et cetera.
Girlie
stuff. The kind of stuff you giggled

about at 1
A.M.
, lying in bed with your best friend.

But then again, if Mary revealed something personal about herself, then Gaia would be more inclined to do the same. Yes.
She could use this truth to her advantage.
Besides, her therapist had told her that it was a good idea to talk about her drug experiences. The more she articulated her feelings, the more she opened up about her past--the less she would be inclined to keep her emotions bottled up inside her and find an unhealthy outlet for them. Anyway, it might be nice to share this stuff with a
friend
for once--instead of some concerned-looking, middle-aged woman in a white lab coat.

"I think there were a lot of different reasons," Mary said, lowering her eyes. "One of them, obviously, was that it felt so good. The first time, I mean. You never get the same buzz you do after the first time." She laughed miserably. "Pretty soon you stop getting any buzz at all. You just need it to feel normal...."

She swallowed, shaking her head at the sordid images that were beginning to seep back into her mind: doing a clandestine blast in the parking lot of the DMV before her driving test, running off to the bathroom during final exams last spring, sneaking so much at her mother's birthday party that she got a nosebleed ... and all the while justifying the behavior to herself by thinking: I'm just tired today. That's the only reason I'm doing it.

The problem was,
she was tired every day.
And the exhaustion never let up.

"What was it like that first time?" Gaia asked.

Mary took a deep breath. "It was ... wild. I went to this party with a guy I was dating--Brian Williams. I was a sophomore, and he was a senior. I guess I was kind of in awe of him." She smiled. "My parents hated him."

"Why?"

"He smoked. In front of my mom. He had long hair and lousy manners, and he dressed like a rock star. Seriously. The first time he came over here, he was wearing leather pants and this ripped black T-shirt. You could see his belly button though it. Which was pierced, by the way." She laughed again.
"I thought he was glamorous."

"Go on," Gaia gently prodded.

"Anyway, he took me to this club downtown. I didn't know anyone there. It was all older people, friends of his from outside school. That band Fearless was playing."

"Really?" Gaia sat up straight. Her expression was strangely intense.

"Yeah. Why?"

"I just ... I don't know." She shook her head. "That band just seems to haunt me."

Mary smirked. "I know what you mean. I'm strangely haunted by men named Chaz. Anyway, I barely heard them. Brian bumped into this friend of his." Her jaw tightened. "Guess who?"

"Skizz," Gaia whispered.

"The one and only." Mary closed her eyes and shuddered, feeling very much like she had been magically transported back to that stuffy, dimly lit basement. She could practically smell the smoke and hear the pounding beat of drums; she could see the
creamy look of anticipation
on Skizz's face.

"Anyway, he took us into one of the back rooms while the band was playing and got out a little envelope and a little spoon. He offered it to Brian first, then me. I was scared--but curious and excited, too. And I wanted to impress Brian, obviously. Plus it didn't seem like that big a deal. As far as I could tell, it didn't even affect Brian at all. He didn't freak out or anything...."

Gaia leaned back against the pillows. "But it was a big deal." It was more of a question than a statement.

Mary opened her eyes again. "It was like I was suddenly transformed into this different person. I felt so cool. Really sexy, too--which was something I'd never felt before. And I thought I was in tune with everything that was happening around me. We went back out and danced, and I met a hundred different people. I wasn't shy or awkward at all." She cringed. "I probably made an ass of myself, but I had no clue."