Reckless Together: A Contemporary New Adult College Romance (The Reckless Series) (8 page)

"I'll be there for you—after and at the trial—"

"No! Don't. I don't want you there." The words popped out almost before they were even conscious thought.

A quick look of hurt crossed her face. Her mouth quivered. Shit. He immediately wished he could stuff the words back in. He'd hurt her again.
 

He leaned forward and pulled her into his arms, relieved when she didn't push him away and reject him. "I'm sorry. It's not you. I don't want you anywhere near that bitch."
 

After all that counseling, he thought he'd taken control of his emotions and turned them into something useful. He was losing control again. "I don't want her to get to you. "

"Logan."

He must have looked as fierce as he felt. El's eyes were wide with fear and worry. He felt like crap for scaring her.

"It's okay." She stroked his chin. "You don't have to explain to me.
I
understand. I wouldn't want to sit in front of a group of strangers and lawyers and talk about the day I walked in on Austin and Mom. It's too personal and painful.
 

"In fact, I told Austin that right after it happened. That I wouldn't testify against Doug. That I'd be a hostile witness. I don't have your courage. And what I went through is nothing compared to what you did…"
 

He grabbed her hand that was stroking his cheek and squeezed it. He would not break down in front of her.
 

"You're incredibly brave," she whispered.

"I'm not brave. I'm scared shitless. If there was any way I could get out of it and still live with myself, I would."
 

The thought of facing
Her
made him break out in a nervous sweat. Deep down, he was afraid he'd get an involuntary hard-on when he saw her. The fear made it seem more likely and loom large. He'd been dealing with the guilt and disgust since the violation.

She
repulsed him. Always had.
She
wasn't the kind of woman he'd ever go for. Not even if she'd been his age. But he'd gotten aroused when she'd touched him. He hated himself for it. Despite all the counseling and reassurances that his body had merely reacted the way nature intended, he worried he was some kind of sicko. He blamed himself—he should have been able to fight through the fog of the drugs and fend her off. He should have been limp as a noodle no matter what she did to him. He should have never come.

He covered his disgust with himself by trying to sound noble, though it was the last thing he felt. "I have to make a stand for all the guys like me. Guys who've been raped but were too afraid to report it because they thought no one would believe them. Or think they started it. Or wanted it. Or whatever shit society believes because men are always supposed to be the sexual aggressors.

"I've been working for CAPSA as a security escort and helping them raise awareness about safety and sexual assaults."

El nodded. "I know. I read about it."

He nodded. "I can't let them down. But I don't want to be their poster boy forever, either." Logan kissed El's hand. "El, forgive me. But I'm not sure I'm strong enough to say what I have to say to the court with you there, knowing you'll hear every shitty detail and wondering what you'll think of me."

"Logan you know I'd never—" She stopped herself. "If you change your mind…"

He nodded. But he knew he wouldn't.
 

"Schedule that interview.
Please
. Just keep your options open."

Ellie

I spent the night with Logan. Like I could help myself when he begged me to. I was still lying in his bed, dreading going back to my dorm room, when Logan came in carrying a dining hall tray loaded with a bowl of cereal, a piece of toast, and a cup of delicious-smelling coffee.

"Get up, sleepyhead."

"Go away!" I rolled over and pulled the covers over my head. "I'm no good in the morning."

"You're very good in the morning."

We'd made love again at three a.m.
 

"Was that morning? I thought it was the middle of the night."

"Technically, it was morning." He pulled the covers off and set the tray next to me. "We both have class and you have to talk to Jason and tell him your mom is coming."

I grabbed the coffee and cupped it between two hands, blowing on it to cool it. Logan seemed back to normal this morning. But I still worried about him. "Don't remind me."

"El, you're going to tell him?"

"Only because you keep pointing out how dangerous secrets are." I nodded toward the tray, which looked suspiciously familiar. "Traying season is over. I thought you were going to return this?"

"It's not graduation yet, is it?" He paused and then flashed that devilish smile of his. "And I was thinking—I might still need it next winter."

My breath caught. "Really?" That came out way too excited. I tried to cover my excitement and sound casual. "Are you? What changed your mind?"

He sat on the bed next to me. "I thought about what you said about keeping options open. I'm going to schedule my graduate admission interview today."

I set the coffee down and threw my arms around him. "Logan!"

"Don't get your hopes too high, El. It's just an interview. It doesn't mean I've made up my mind."

"No, never. Absolutely not," I said. But my hopes were already floating away with me. I wanted him to stay. In the worst way. Maybe it
was
selfish of me.

"It might not work out. After four years of college, I'm sick of studying," he said.

"Who isn't?" I inched my face toward his for a kiss.

"I'm tired of my old man calling the shots. I want my own money."

The business with Amber, the horrid Double Deltsie alum. In my joy, I'd temporarily forgotten about her and the dubious dealings Logan had with her. "Perfectly understandable. Admirable, even." I hesitated before deciding to plow on. "I thought that's what that top-secret deal with Amber Ranklin was for."

Logan's eyes went cool. "I thought you were against that?"

I shrugged. "It's no secret I don't like Amber. It's nothing personal." Though it was. "I don't like any of your exes."

"I thought you liked Kelsie. She helped save your life. You at least owe her gratitude."

"Okay, maybe Kelsie. So? The deal with Amber?"

"Still in the works." Logan was way too casual and noncommittal. "It'll be wrapped up soon."

"That's all you're going to say?"

"That's all you need to know. For now. When the big money comes in, you'll know it. I'll take you out to celebrate."

"Okay, big shot. I'm counting on it." I leaned in until our lips nearly met.

"El?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell Jason about your mom's visit before my shift."

"You just want him distracted so he doesn't notice you're glowing and realize it's because you're sleeping with his daughter."

"About that—change before you see him—"

I cut him off with a kiss.

Logan dropped me off at my dorm on his way to class. As I walked up the steps to the building, I saw the curtains to my room were still closed. Bre should have been in class. Which meant one of two things, and I didn't even want to contemplate one of them.

I let myself into the building, climbed the stairs to my floor, and unlocked the door to my room with some trepidation. Inside it was dark and smelled overpoweringly of my favorite perfume. I'd been right—that was what Bre had thrown. It combined with the smell of stale beer and unwashed body to make a truly lovely stench. The kind of smell when you hole up in your room without ventilation and sweat beneath the covers, hiding from the world because even darkness seems too bright. It smelled like a bad breakup.

As my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I spotted Bre in bed. I knew I was stepping in it, but I spoke up anyway as I gingerly picked up the broken remains of my perfume bottle and dropped them in the wastebasket. "Shouldn't you be in class?"

"Shut up!" Bre's voice had that ragged, raspy edge, the sound of someone who's sobbed their eyes out all night. "It's over."

I didn't have to ask what. "I'm sorry." I sat down on my bed across from her. "What happened?"

"I don't feel like talking."

That was fine by me. I really didn't feel like hearing. "Okay, I'll just change and get out of your way."

"He broke up with me! The slut texted one of Dan's friends. He wouldn't say who. The friend relayed the message. Dan realized his phone was missing and came over, demanding it back and calling me a bitch. Can you believe it?"

I sort of could, but I wasn't stupid enough to say so. "I'm sorry."
 

"Yeah." She hiccoughed like a person does after a long crying binge, but her voice was hard. "He'll pay."

"Give it some time," I said. "Let your head clear." I got up and got her a bottle of water from the mini fridge and an acetaminophen from the ancient medicine cabinet above the sink. She was still burrowed when I stood over her bed to give them to her. "Take these and get some rest. I'll be back later."

This day, which had started so well, was lapsing into one joy after another. I cleaned up the rest of the perfume damage, changed, grabbed an energy drink from the fridge, and headed out to tell Jason about Mom coming to campus and left Bre to wallow in her sorrow. Sometimes, wallowing was the best thing. She'd put up with plenty of mine. She'd earned some understanding from me now. I'd probably even have to forgive her the perfume incident.

I found Jason alone in his office and knocked on his door. "Got a minute?"

He looked up and grinned. "For my oldest daughter? Always. What's up?"

I came in, dropped my backpack on the floor, and plunked into the chair across the desk from him. "Thank you for being cool with stuff and giving Logan his job back." I got emotional all of the sudden and my eyes teared up. "That was nice of you."

"Hey, it was purely self-serving. Logan is a tremendous asset to the office. He does the work of two or three techs. We need him here. We've missed him."

It was like Jason to downplay things. I nodded. "Well, if that's the only reason…" I laughed. "I'm still glad you did. He'll need your support now more than ever."

Jason knew how guilty I'd felt about coming between him and Logan. We didn't need to say more about it. He nodded. "That goes without saying. So you just came by to thank me?"

"Mostly." I was still hedging.
 

Jason cocked one eyebrow. "Mostly?"

"Before we get to the rest, I have more profuse thanks to offer."

"More?" He laughed. "What kind of a daughter did I raise? Wait, I didn't raise you. Someone else has instilled this extreme politeness in you."

I laughed back. "Hardly. I was raised by a she-wolf. This inconvenient polite streak has more to do with genetics, I fear. Since I have only one polite parent, you're to blame."

He grinned.

I didn't wait for him to say anything, just tumbled headlong with the news that made my heart sing. "Logan is going to schedule his graduate school admission interview today. Thanks to you."

Jason's grin froze on his face as he studied me in that intense, fatherly way. "Good. He should keep his options open." He hesitated. "Just don't get your hopes up that he's going to stay, Ellie. The trial is going to take its toll. It won't be easy on him."

"But I thought you wanted him to stay. Are you unhappy that we're back together?"

Jason took a deep breath, looking like he was trying to temper his words. "I want him to consider all of his options. I want you to be happy. But realistic. I still have my doubts. Logan is about to be tested in a trial by fire, the powerful fire of words and public opinion. After it's over, it may be best for him to escape this place and start fresh somewhere else. Away from all these memories.

"Only Logan can decide that. Don't pressure him to make a decision that's not in his best interests. It will burn you both in the end."

"Since when did you become the issuer of dire warnings?" I couldn't hold back my snark.