Authors: John Berryman
Recovery (7 page)
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NELA, THE HEAD NURSE, was firmly constructed, a fresh-faced intolerant woman of forty with grieving eyes whose husband had wrecked a sky-rocket academic career with drinking and drugs and died of them. Severance took a dim view of head nurses and the prospect of her lecture on ward-discipline, which he had twitched through twice, did not turn him on; but he was in a do-or-die frame of mind this morning, alert to the possibilities of help lurking in the very motes eccentric in the sunbeam bright on Jeree's hair-bun slumped in front of him, as he readied his ballpoint and pad.
âYou all know who I am,' Nela said calmly, smoothing her uniform. âMy subject in this part of the treatment-programme is Responsibility. You are all suffering from the lack of self-confidence which is common to this illness; from feelings of inferiority (“someone else,” you think, “could do it better”âwhatever it may be); from self-consciousness (this is
paralyzing
in some of you); from fear of rejectionâoften so powerful that it leads to consideration of suicide, a plan which if adopted will leave you
really
invulnerable, quite safe at last. Your confidence in yourself has got to be restored, little by little. We can help you, but we cannot be responsible for you. The first person
we must be responsible to is
ourselves.'
Severance, who had been rejecting every item as he wrote it down, sat mentally up to the note of an old accusation. He had heard this before, when he could not get out of it.
paralyzing
in some of you); from fear of rejectionâoften so powerful that it leads to consideration of suicide, a plan which if adopted will leave you
really
invulnerable, quite safe at last. Your confidence in yourself has got to be restored, little by little. We can help you, but we cannot be responsible for you. The first person
we must be responsible to is
ourselves.'
Severance, who had been rejecting every item as he wrote it down, sat mentally up to the note of an old accusation. He had heard this before, when he could not get out of it.
From Vin. The whole elaborate situation flooded back. A young writer had telephoned from a distant State one Sunday morning and kept him on the phone for half an hour with an insufferable amalgam of hero-worship and megalomaniaâSeverance had been patient, and patient, and tried to get him off the line, and tried, finally said, âNo, I'm afraid I'm going to hang up now, goodbye,' and did so, and thought no more of the matter (but somebody had told him later that he had seen him looking like a thundercloud, so abstracted that Severance did not recognize him or speak) until that evening when suddenly for no reason he burst into flame against that young man, he tore his wife to pieces during her visit, sat cursing through some female ex-drunk's AA talk (âI fell down the stairs and hit my head on a marble table-top, I took the First Step')âscrew all these humorless bastards sitting around congratulating themselves on being sober, what's so wonderful about being sober? Great Christ, most of the world is sober, and look at it! He was still raging when after a sleepless night he took up the matter in Group next day. Vin accused him of âinsincerity.' Severance was baffled and furious: âI did not say a damned
word
to him that was insincere.' âYou should have told him where you stood, and hung up.' âWell, I had to spare his feelings, for God's sake, you don't know what young writers are like.' âWhat do
his
feelings matter?' said Vin. âIt was your feelings that should have mattered to you. You were irresponsible.' âIrresponsible?' cried Severance. âYes. To yourself. You did not accept responsibility for yourself.' After infinite negotiation and resistance he finally saw this, and it so changed his behaviour that when, after he got out of treatment, the same damned young manâand other readersârang
up from California and then Massachusetts, he cut him off short. Now as he sat half-listening to Nela (âWhen we are tired or hungry, we do irresponsible things') he made the connexion with his submission over leaving the ward to go give his lecture on the Fourth Gospel. His responsibility was not to his students but to himself. Well, well. At last. By God's grace he had done the right thing without even knowing why. There was hope for everybody. He said a silent prayer for all the patients including himself. Teach me to give in.
word
to him that was insincere.' âYou should have told him where you stood, and hung up.' âWell, I had to spare his feelings, for God's sake, you don't know what young writers are like.' âWhat do
his
feelings matter?' said Vin. âIt was your feelings that should have mattered to you. You were irresponsible.' âIrresponsible?' cried Severance. âYes. To yourself. You did not accept responsibility for yourself.' After infinite negotiation and resistance he finally saw this, and it so changed his behaviour that when, after he got out of treatment, the same damned young manâand other readersârang
up from California and then Massachusetts, he cut him off short. Now as he sat half-listening to Nela (âWhen we are tired or hungry, we do irresponsible things') he made the connexion with his submission over leaving the ward to go give his lecture on the Fourth Gospel. His responsibility was not to his students but to himself. Well, well. At last. By God's grace he had done the right thing without even knowing why. There was hope for everybody. He said a silent prayer for all the patients including himself. Teach me to give in.
â ⦠Then: the other people in this treatment center; then
everyone in Extended Care
âour elderly people, upstairsâand in the whole hospital. Only
then
our beloved ones outside, and those suffering everywhereâfor your beloved ones are suffering with youâin the war in Vietnam, in Biafra all this time, everyone everywhere.
everyone in Extended Care
âour elderly people, upstairsâand in the whole hospital. Only
then
our beloved ones outside, and those suffering everywhereâfor your beloved ones are suffering with youâin the war in Vietnam, in Biafra all this time, everyone everywhere.
âNow for your particular ward-responsibilities â¦' My job! he thought with a qualm. In ten whole days I haven't done a damned thing about it. I don't even know exactly what it is or how to go about it. I'm listed as âsupplies for the Snack Room.' Where are they anyway? Things seem to be getting along all right without me. But he determined to get hold of Rose right after lunch and
find out.
find out.
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âWell, Alan,' Dr Gus Riemer was asking buoyantly, âwhat do you think made
you
take your first drink after your second tour of treatment?' Dr Riemer, replacing Gus One in charge of the new-formed Repeaters' First Step Prep, with Julitta sitting stiffly in, was a big radiant young Negro-surgeon in white buckskin shoes. After booming out with satisfaction and joy his own fearful history (âOh, after a few months I thought I'd just have a little
wine
with dinner, nothing wrong with thatâmaybe pop some pills before an operationâquite okayâand pretty soon I
was back on the hard stuff and brainsick with amphetamines and lying my rich ass off not only to Rhoda and my trusting colleagues but myself. Oh, I “could handle it” all right!') he had been going round the Group with this $64 question, friendly to Jeree (âI see you're still in hopeless withdrawal, dear'ânews to Severance) and Mary-Jane, formidable to Wilbur and Letty and Stack. Severance had overlapped him in the Spring and admired him all Summer in Dr Rome's Encounter-Group, where he dubbed him Augustus the Chemical Adventurer, but he experienced now a thrill of anxiety. Still, he was ready for him.
you
take your first drink after your second tour of treatment?' Dr Riemer, replacing Gus One in charge of the new-formed Repeaters' First Step Prep, with Julitta sitting stiffly in, was a big radiant young Negro-surgeon in white buckskin shoes. After booming out with satisfaction and joy his own fearful history (âOh, after a few months I thought I'd just have a little
wine
with dinner, nothing wrong with thatâmaybe pop some pills before an operationâquite okayâand pretty soon I
was back on the hard stuff and brainsick with amphetamines and lying my rich ass off not only to Rhoda and my trusting colleagues but myself. Oh, I “could handle it” all right!') he had been going round the Group with this $64 question, friendly to Jeree (âI see you're still in hopeless withdrawal, dear'ânews to Severance) and Mary-Jane, formidable to Wilbur and Letty and Stack. Severance had overlapped him in the Spring and admired him all Summer in Dr Rome's Encounter-Group, where he dubbed him Augustus the Chemical Adventurer, but he experienced now a thrill of anxiety. Still, he was ready for him.
âI've given it a bundle of thought. I told Louise last week I didn't know, and that was honest, but now I've cleared up some and I see it was obsession with a woman. I half fell in love with her in treatment last Springâit was terribleâI felt ghastly about itâwe only embraced and touched each other, and kissed once in the corridor late one nightâbut I didn't know what was going to happen when we got out of hospital. I did
not
call her up but I sweated. I felt unspeakably guilty too, toward Ruth. Finally about two-thirty one afternoon I had to get out of the house to think about her,
really think
about her, and try to decide what to do, maybe write her a letter. I'm a good letter-writer, I often find out what I think
during
the letter. Anyway, for some reason I waited until Ruth had gone out, perhaps at three?âwhy I waited I don't know, I could have gone out for a walk any time, but I did, then I took a bus to Elmwood just to think, and that was it. What permitted it, so far as I can see, was
omnipotence,
the feeling that I could get away with it, besides I didn't plan to
do
anythingâand self-pity, because I had been so damned righteous about my really almost unbearable desire, plus guilt about the desire itself.'
not
call her up but I sweated. I felt unspeakably guilty too, toward Ruth. Finally about two-thirty one afternoon I had to get out of the house to think about her,
really think
about her, and try to decide what to do, maybe write her a letter. I'm a good letter-writer, I often find out what I think
during
the letter. Anyway, for some reason I waited until Ruth had gone out, perhaps at three?âwhy I waited I don't know, I could have gone out for a walk any time, but I did, then I took a bus to Elmwood just to think, and that was it. What permitted it, so far as I can see, was
omnipotence,
the feeling that I could get away with it, besides I didn't plan to
do
anythingâand self-pity, because I had been so damned righteous about my really almost unbearable desire, plus guilt about the desire itself.'
He stopped, satisfied. He had levelled with them, by God. But Gus was shaking his head at him, saying softly, âDeluded,' and Julitta was beginning something off to his
right. He turned toward her, hurt. Her voice was high and controlled.
right. He turned toward her, hurt. Her voice was high and controlled.
âThe only word I can find in my vocabulary, which is pathetic compared with yours, word adequate to this marvellous and airy intellectual construction, is: HORSESHIT!' Severance almost reeled back in his chair. âWe're not here to discuss your sex life or your psychologizing, but your
drinking.'
drinking.'
Then Gus was asking, âWhat about
feelings?'
and uttering, âYou're computerized,' and, âWhy do you drink?' and Severance was speechless and finally the focus shifted to Hutch, his old friend from Vin's Group who had come back into treatment, to Severance's amazement (âI started drinking the day after I got out'), just the night before.
feelings?'
and uttering, âYou're computerized,' and, âWhy do you drink?' and Severance was speechless and finally the focus shifted to Hutch, his old friend from Vin's Group who had come back into treatment, to Severance's amazement (âI started drinking the day after I got out'), just the night before.
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Severance's Journal
Â
Humbled (I hope) and
shook.
shook.
This morning I felt fine,
confronted
Les with his, âIf there's anything left over from here, it'll be taken care of in my Friday Encounter-Group,' said to me on the way over to lecture Sunday nightâhe denied it, Harley and Keg at him arguing, defending (major threat to sobriety: quarrels with wife)âI joined in too much, too confidently, and shouted as usual (Mary-Jane vs me, dyad after lunch about it and my flirting joke rejected by her last night at Dr Rome's lecture). Now I seeâ
correctly
âmyself as a patient again, ill, deluded, and whether I've made any progress at all I
don't know.
confronted
Les with his, âIf there's anything left over from here, it'll be taken care of in my Friday Encounter-Group,' said to me on the way over to lecture Sunday nightâhe denied it, Harley and Keg at him arguing, defending (major threat to sobriety: quarrels with wife)âI joined in too much, too confidently, and shouted as usual (Mary-Jane vs me, dyad after lunch about it and my flirting joke rejected by her last night at Dr Rome's lecture). Now I seeâ
correctly
âmyself as a patient again, ill, deluded, and whether I've made any progress at all I
don't know.
Â
Why
do
I drink:
do
I drink:
Defiance (=Fuck you. I can handle it.
Grandiosity (Insecure)
Self-destructive =I am just as great,
bec.
bec.
Delusion: âI need it' as desperate, as (etc)
+ Calm down excitement (after lecture, lab, good news)
Dulling pain (loneliness, self-pity, bad news)
To animate boredomâbut is this really so? ? Screw this usual idea, in my case
(I feel as if scales were falling from my eyes. Surely this can't
all
be wrong?)
all
be wrong?)
Hysterical laughter at dinner, after Gus and Julitta. A
defence
(Arita said just now at midnight) against fear of what Gus read: but not only better than rage and defiance (which Ruth said she would absolutely at all points previously have from me expected) but
okay
defence
(Arita said just now at midnight) against fear of what Gus read: but not only better than rage and defiance (which Ruth said she would absolutely at all points previously have from me expected) but
okay
=harmless to myself and others
âeven useful, as amusing (without laughing we wd all go mad on this ward, no wonder I am so goddamn popular, the W Clown # 1)
New idea abt 1st Step. I think: we are in no condition to make a serious step now: just give
a
version of
present
view: then two others:
a
version of
present
view: then two others:
1.
after 1 month
after 1 month
2.
after 3 months
after 3 months
From Severance's Journal
Â
2nd Mon., 8 a.m.
Have I been wrong all these years and it was
not
Daddy's death that blocked my development for so long? Could this have been mere separation from Mother?? (cf. my agony those Fall weeks at school in Chickashaâand the unbelievably mawkish and cozy tone of my letters to her even as long afterward as Edinburgh. Perh. of even the emptiness of my Canadian sep. fr. her.)
not
Daddy's death that blocked my development for so long? Could this have been mere separation from Mother?? (cf. my agony those Fall weeks at school in Chickashaâand the unbelievably mawkish and cozy tone of my letters to her even as long afterward as Edinburgh. Perh. of even the emptiness of my Canadian sep. fr. her.)
Because
(I forget the Missouri visit, the trip north from Floridaâexc. seeing him on the street
in Wash., summer in Gloucester and 89 Bedfordâtyping lessons)
in Wash., summer in Gloucester and 89 Bedfordâtyping lessons)
the following year, in Hyde Park, was
the
happiest and most active of my life up to that time!!? Close friend
(first,
after Billy Ross and Richard Dutcher): Archie Lamont. Valerie Paquit. William and Eleanor Garden. Pet of Mrs Danahey (Engl), Miss Steele (math), even liked Shop (made footstool for Uncle Jackâdamn bad job too). Did the hydrogen job on my own, the seventh way. Wrote the Venus ânovel.' Prizes, the bit.
the
happiest and most active of my life up to that time!!? Close friend
(first,
after Billy Ross and Richard Dutcher): Archie Lamont. Valerie Paquit. William and Eleanor Garden. Pet of Mrs Danahey (Engl), Miss Steele (math), even liked Shop (made footstool for Uncle Jackâdamn bad job too). Did the hydrogen job on my own, the seventh way. Wrote the Venus ânovel.' Prizes, the bit.
What happened the summer then? Move to East Egg? Teddy Armstrong was
after
the 2nd Form wasn't she? Yes, bec. I had a list of bks to read (obviously fr St Paul's)âwhich I took out of the library and Bill read.
after
the 2nd Form wasn't she? Yes, bec. I had a list of bks to read (obviously fr St Paul's)âwhich I took out of the library and Bill read.
DID I IN FACT TAKE HIS DEATH IN STRIDE (it all bulges that way) and succumb over a year later to something else? or is
so
delayed a reaction possible. Bet it is.
so
delayed a reaction possible. Bet it is.
 (Check! Dr G: It's rare but I've
seen cases, two longer still)
seen cases, two longer still)
So maybe my long self-pity has been based on an
error,
and there has been no (hero-)villain ruling my life, but ONLY an unspeakably powerful possessive adoring MOTHER, whose life at 75 is still centered wholly on me. And my (âomnipotent') feeling that I can
get away with anythingâe.g., slips!âhas
been based on the knowledge that she will
always
forgive me, always come to the rescue (Fall â53). And my vanity based on
her
uncritical passionate admiration (letter ten days ago on my lectures twenty years ago!)ârendering me invulnerable (âindifferent' âa
fact,
too) to all criticism, and impatient with anything short of total prostration before the products of my genius (though: much reality too, as my ironic view of the hyperbole slithering around in recent years,
Time,
Yale, London, Madrid, wherever).
error,
and there has been no (hero-)villain ruling my life, but ONLY an unspeakably powerful possessive adoring MOTHER, whose life at 75 is still centered wholly on me. And my (âomnipotent') feeling that I can
get away with anythingâe.g., slips!âhas
been based on the knowledge that she will
always
forgive me, always come to the rescue (Fall â53). And my vanity based on
her
uncritical passionate admiration (letter ten days ago on my lectures twenty years ago!)ârendering me invulnerable (âindifferent' âa
fact,
too) to all criticism, and impatient with anything short of total prostration before the products of my genius (though: much reality too, as my ironic view of the hyperbole slithering around in recent years,
Time,
Yale, London, Madrid, wherever).
My debts to her immeasurable: ambition, stamina, resourcefulness, taste (in a small Missouri town, Faulkner's
first novels, how in God's name did she get them, Steinbeck's), faith (not so clear that), originality, her sacrifices for my schooling and 1938-9, blind confidence in me.
first novels, how in God's name did she get them, Steinbeck's), faith (not so clear that), originality, her sacrifices for my schooling and 1938-9, blind confidence in me.
Â
But
she helped destroy my father and R; affairs w JA, JL, Gâothers? (>my promiscuity?); horribly weakened my brother; would never, and
still
hasn't let go of me in
any
degreeâe.g.,
in
terminable letters, clips, incessant battering harangue.
she helped destroy my father and R; affairs w JA, JL, Gâothers? (>my promiscuity?); horribly weakened my brother; would never, and
still
hasn't let go of me in
any
degreeâe.g.,
in
terminable letters, clips, incessant battering harangue.
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