Red Sun (42 page)

Thankfully, the lights dimmed
even more and the previews started.  Elan settled into his chair and propped his large feet on the empty chair in front of him.  What was he thinking now?  Was he angry?  Was he suspicious?  Was I the only one dwelling on what I’d said?  I was again uncomfortable, but now for a different reason than before.   A few rows ahead, Kaya had already nestled her body into Jolon’s.  Both hands were wrapped around his arm and her head was resting on his shoulder.  His hands were visible too which eased my mind.  One arm was draped over the chair beside him while the one Kaya clung to was holding the popcorn in his lap.  All I could do was sigh.  I was miserable without him. 

The sound of Elan’s chair squeaking caught my attention.  “Be right back.  I need
another water – the popcorn’s a little salty,” he said, standing from his seat and easing past me.  “Want something else?”

I shook my head ‘
no’ and then watched him walk down the aisle way and then disappear through the door.  Jolon waited a few seconds and then turned around to look back at me.  I think he was checking to see that I was doing okay with all this, but I can’t be sure.  To ease his mind, I smiled faintly just before he turned back to face the screen.  Kaya never missed a beat.  She was paying more attention to our body language than she was the movie.  As soon as Jolon was completely turned around, she looked up at him for a second and then whirled around toward me.  She stared.  As a woman I knew exactly what she was thinking:
“What the heck was he looking at her for?” 
Even if it was as innocent as him just checking on me because I was sitting alone, any woman would wonder why he cared so much.  Eventually she turned forward again, but not without looking at Jolon one last time.  He’d completely missed the entire thing.  After turning back toward the movie, he stopped paying attention to anything else around him.

Elan returned soon after
, carrying another bottle of water and a couple boxes of candy.  He’d seemingly forgotten all about what I’d said before and was cheerful again. 

“Want some?”
  He asked, offering me his water.

I smiled and drank a little before passing it back.  From the corner of my eye, I watched him.  He burst out laughing at something that I completely missed because I was focusing on him.  No matter how my feelings toward him were changing, he was a good guy.  I couldn’t deny that.  He was a good guy, a good brother, and
I realized that something had to give.  There was a lot of heat on Jolon and me to work this out smoothly, but there was also a lot of pressure to make a move soon.  The longer this went on, the worse it would be for everyone.  Kaya’s feelings would get deeper, Elan would feel more betrayed, and Jolon and I would have to continue to hide what we had.  I owed Elan and Kaya both more than what I was giving them.  They were both good people who’d been steadfast for the most part.  Me, on the other hand, I’d been anything but that.

The movie ended at around 10:30 and I was exhausted as were Elan and Jolon.  Kaya was the only one with energy to spare, but I was pretty sure that it was just the rush of adrenaline pumping through her veins because she was around Jolon.

“Where to now?”  She asked while we walked across the parking lot.

Jolon yawned.  “I don’t know about you, but
it’s home for me.  I’m beat.”  Kaya was visibly disappointed. 

“It’s still early,” she protested.  “Don’t you
wanna grab something to eat at least?”

He shook his head and sighed. 
“Probably some other time.  I’m gonna turn in.  We have to be up before the sun,” he replied, looking over at Elan.

Kaya exhaled sharply.  “Well, I guess it’ll have to wait then.”

Elan took my hand gently and we stopped at the back of the truck, a few cars separating us from Kaya’s car.  He held my gaze while he spoke to the others.  “Actually, I think I’m gonna just hang with Solei for a while.  We haven’t seen much of each other lately and I have a lot of missed time to make up for.”  There was a look in his eye that made me nervous.  He apparently hadn’t gotten the hint earlier when I pushed him away.  Jolon’s intense gaze was set on Elan too, alerting me that I wasn’t the only one who detected that Elan could possibly have obscene plans in his head.

Kaya sighed again.  “Must be nice,” she said to herself
, obviously wishing that she and Jolon could have one on one time too.  Elan smiled and pulled me closer to him, causing Jolon’s knuckles to crack audibly when he balled up his fists. Kaya and I both looked down at his hands simultaneously.  Of course, the next thing she did was look at me.

Elan touched my face.  “God you’re beautiful,” he said quietly, leading me to believe that I was the only one who heard him.  “You always were…..but something’s different.  I just can’t put my finger on it.”

His voice was still quiet, so it shocked me when Jolon blurted, “It’s her hair,”
harshly, causing us all to turn and see his stoic expression.

Elan looked back at me
quickly.  “Yeah!  That’s
it.”  He took another look.  “It looks good.  When’d you change it?”

I smiled a little and glanced over at Kaya who was red in the face.  “Uh…when I went home,” I replied.

He nodded, still staring.

“Don’t feel bad, Elan.  I didn’t notice it either,” Kaya said
snidely.  She looked at Jolon suspiciously for a quick second and then back at me as she folded her arms over her chest.  “Apparently some of us are just more perceptive than others.”  She was working hard to conceal her anger.  Jolon was still clenching his fists, but his eyes were now focused on the ground.

Judging by
the look on Elan’s face, he was starting to see how Jolon’s statement could be interpreted as more than just perceptiveness.  It was Kaya’s tone that finally made him start questioning it.  “Yeah, I guess,” Elan replied, evaluating his brother’s posture.  It was tense – tense and irritated. 

“Well…ready?”  Kaya asked Jolon dryly.
  “I guess I’m just taking you home then.”

He nodded and didn’t look
up from the ground when he walked away.  When they disappeared, Elan helped me into the truck and took off too.  He was thoughtful for most of the drive.  I imagined he was thinking about what just happened.  He had one hand on the steering wheel while the other arm was halfway out the window.  I didn’t know what to say to him.  There honestly wasn’t anything to say that would change his mind anyway.  I had a feeling that his suspicion of Jolon had just deepened. 

He pulled into Ruthann’s driveway and shut off the lights
.  I sat there with my hands folded in my lap, watching, waiting.  What was he thinking?

“That was interesting,” he said quietly.  His head was resting on his fist while he watched me from the corner of his eye.

“What was?”  I said innocently, secretly hoping he was talking about the movie.

“Jo…..he’s getting bold, isn’t he?  I mean, flirting with you right in front of my face…Kaya’
s too!”

I took a deep breath and cleared my throat.  “I don’t know if I’d consider what he did flirting.  He was stating a fact.  I
did
change my hair.  Maybe you’re reading too much into it.”

He sighed and shook his head.  “
No, actually it was worse than flirting – he was
defensive
of you.  He was basically trying to make me look like a chump cause I didn’t notice your hair as soon as he did.  And did you peep the body language?”

I shook my head ’no’.

“He squared up like he wanted to fight me because I was touching you!  Like you’re not mine to touch!”  He shook his head, trying to calm himself down.  “Sometimes…,” he started.  “Nothing.  It doesn’t even matter.”

I leaned my head to the side thoughtfully.  “No…what were you gonna say?  I
wanna know.”

He shook his head again and looked out the window, his jaw tense.  “It’s just that…sometimes I can’t help but to wonder if you really
are
mine,” he admitted.  “I mean, I know we’re technically together, but when I touch you it’s like you push me away.  Like tonight when I picked you up.”  He paused.  “We’ve been together just about since you moved here.  Not officially, but we may as well have been.  I know I wasn’t seeing anyone else and neither were you.  So…..four months later, we’re still in the same place we were when we started.  I tell you I love you and you basically give me a rain check.  I try to touch you and you clam up.  I’m not saying you have to sleep with me right now or anything, but I’ll be honest, I didn’t think we’d be at square one this long.”

I stared out the window in silence feeling as though his words were twisting my heart into a knot.

Elan reached for my chin and made me look at him.  “Solei, I meant it every time I said that I loved you.  Deep down I think you know that.  I’m not saying tonight……but don’t you think it’s time to take that step?  You said yourself that your last experience wasn’t what it should’ve been.  It just makes sense to me.  We both have needs…..and I’m trying to fulfill them
both
.” 

He ran his fingers down the side of my face slowly.  I closed my eyes and leaned into his hand.  I felt terrible for what I was doing to him.  What he said made sense.  I was in total agreement.  But the thing is
, I couldn’t be with him in that way even if I wanted to, nor would my lips allow me to tell
any
man other than Jolon that I loved him.  That was the one thing that I was completely unable to lie about.  My heart went out to Elan that night.  He held my face in his hand and stroked my cheek with his thumb.  I opened my eyes and looked into his and felt my chest get tight which meant that tears were on the way.  All he asked of me was that I love him back.  I knew better than anyone how it felt to be rejected by someone that you have strong feelings for. 

“That didn’t come out wrong, did it?”  He asked, concerned that he’d offended me or gave me the wrong impression. 

“No, no…I understand where you’re coming from.”

He wiped a tear from my cheek.  “What’re you thinking?”

I shrugged and took a deep breath.  “I don’t know….I just don’t wanna make you any promises and let you down.  You don’t deserve that.  I know I’ve been distant…..but there’s a lot about me that you don’t know.”

He smiled sweetly.  “Whenever you’re ready to share, I’ll be ready to listen –anything that’s on your mind.”

Therein lies the problem – what was on my mind had to stay there.  If he knew, it’d kill him.  Instead of revealing this fact, I simply nodded.

“But there is something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

I looked up and sniffed.  “What’s that?”

He smiled again.  “If you didn’t know I was serious about you already, you will after this.”

I got a little nervous, but stayed silent while I waited for him to finish.

“My dad’s birthday is next weekend.  My mom wants me and Jo to come visit and I want you to come along too.  So do my parents,” he said.  “Got any plans?”

I felt my palms sweating.  His parents were two more people who’d hate me when everything finally falls apart and they find out that I’ve come between their two sons.  Elan raised his eyebrows impatiently.  “Well?  What do you say?”

“H-how long are you thinking we’ll be there? 
A few hours?”  I stuttered. 

He laughed. 
“Not exactly.  More like a few days.  Friday night to Sunday morning actually.  We were gonna drive down Friday after work and then stay for the dinner Mom’s planning Saturday and then drive back after breakfast Sunday morning.”

I felt panicked……but then I also felt like I owed him.  “Ok,” I breathed nervously.

“Really?”  He said smiling.  “I can’t wait for you to meet them.  They’re great, and I’m not just saying that ‘cause they’re my parents.  Promise.”

I faked a smile as he kissed my cheek.  What am I doing?  At a time I should’ve been pulling away, here I was getting in deeper.

“You’ll love them,” he assured me.

“I don’t doubt that.  I
am
a little anxious though.”

He waved me off.  “You’re great.  They’ll see that from the minute you walk through the door.”  He kissed my cheek again.  “And we’ll figure out all that other stuff later. 
The fact that you’re coming means a lot.”  He looked me in my eye and seemed sure when he added, “And even though you can’t say it…..I know you love me too.”

I h
ad so much guilt on my conscience that night that I couldn’t even sleep.  All I could think about was how bad I was deceiving Elan.  He wanted me to meet his family.  That’s huge.  Our relationship was so one sided that I couldn’t stand it.  Was he so in love with me that he couldn’t see this for himself?  I mean, my father lives in the same town and he has never met him.  But he was planning to drive me a few hours to meet his people.  The worst part is that I’m aware of how wrong I am and still can’t stop any of it from happening.  My own selfish needs were the only thing I could see – nothing else.  I lay across the bed in Ruthann’s spare room and stared at the ceiling, thinking of even how uncomfortable the ride to his parent’s house would be, let alone the rest of the weekend.  All that time around Jolon while having to pretend like he meant nothing to me.  Could I pull it off?  Am I that good?  Or, should I say am I that
bad
…..