Redemption (Iris Series) (37 page)

Ayanna and Dev exchanged looks of surprise then Ayanna shook herself out of her shock and took her mom’s plate.

“Well, let me get things served.”

“It looks just like Ammie’s,” Dev said.

“It
does
look just like hers.  But will it
taste
like hers, is the question,” her mom teased.

Did her mom just make a joke?  Stop the presses.

“You taste first, Ina, and see how she did,” her father smiled.

Shit.  Now she was nervous.  Everything was so surreal at the moment.  She felt like she was having an out of body experience watching people sit around the table having a normal family dinner.

Jonathan reached for her hand under the table and squeezed.

Her mom took a bite and closed her eyes.  After a moment she opened them and Ayanna was surprised to see tears swimming in them.  Ina nodded and cleared her throat, appearing to erect a protective wall.  Then she looked at Ayanna.

“It’s very good, Yannie.  It tastes just like hers,” she said quietly.

Ayanna couldn’t have heard a better compliment.

“Thanks,” she smiled, watching her mom.  Then, “Okay then folks.  Let’s dig in.”

She served everyone else and took off her apron to join them.  They fell into a comfortable silence enjoying the meal.

Eventually, the conversation at the table rolled around to Dev’s endeavors to be a dentist and the exams he needed to take in order to move forward in getting his license.  As they were finished up eating, her parents expressed an interest in how the catering business was going, so the conversation moved into Ayanna’s food blog and
The Local Yokel
.

“It’s going well.  Janie and I are a good team and we now have a few events under our belts.  Things are going smoothly,” Ayanna said. She was afraid that if they talked much more about it, her parents would find something to complain about, so she changed the subject.

“Jonathan used to work on Wall Street a few years ago.  He consults on the side and during the summers.  In fact, he just helped me with my portfolio.”  She looked at him, begging him with her eyes to help steer the conversation away from her.

He wasn’t going for it at the moment.

“There wasn’t much I needed to do.  Your daughter is brilliant,” he said to her parents.  “She’s made great financial decisions over the years.  All from teaching herself.  Not many people are able to do that, so I didn’t need to teach her much at all.”

Jonathan let that comment hang, and took a sip of his wine.

“That’s good to hear,” her mom murmured.

Feeling uncomfortable, Ayanna got up to clear the table.  “Why don’t you guys have a seat in the living room and I’ll clean up a bit and get the dessert ready.”

Normally she would wait awhile before serving dessert, but they’d already made it an hour without incident and she didn’t want to push her luck.

“I’ll help,” Jonat
han said, getting up with her.

“Me, too,” Dev said, appearing anxious about being left alone with their parents.

What a screwed up pair they were.

“No, I’ll help,” her mom said.  “You boys sit with Wansa.  I’ll help Yannie.”

The guys looked at Ayanna waiting for her reaction, and finally she said, “Okay.”

She and her mom gathered the plates and walked into the kitchen.  As soon as the plates were on the counter, her mom opened the dishwasher and began loading. 

“You’ve never invited us to your place for dinner before.”

Her mom’s comment surprised her.  She
’d almost sounded disappointed.

“I’ve never had a place of my own to make a dinner for all of us.”

Her mom nodded then continued.  “You and Jonathan seem good together,” her mom said casually.  “He’s a good balance for you.”

Ayanna remembered the same comment from Ryann.  Apparently everyone thought she was a little off kilter.

Her mom continued.  “Things are going well with him?”

Ayanna stopped until her mother looked at her.  “I’m in love with him.”

Her mom hesitated, then smiled softly and nodded.  “I can tell.  He’s a very nice man.”

Ayanna’s heartbeat was pounding in her chest.  “He is.  He’s not just a nice man, he’s a
good
man.  The best man I’ve ever known.  And for the record, he’s the only man I’ve ever been in love with.”  She took a moment for that to settle in and then got out a Tupperware to put away the leftover food.  When she was cleaning out the casserole dish, she said quietly, “He accepts me.  Warts and all.”

Her mom nodded again.  “I can see why that would be important to you.”  She
paused then continued, “You’re different.  Softer.  I noticed when you called last week, too.”

Ayanna took a deep breath and wiped her hands on a towel, closing the
Tupperware lid.  It was time to have this conversation, it seemed.

“Mom, I’ve been doing some thinking.  Hear me out before you react, okay?”

Her mother tensed a little but nodded.

“We’ve never been close.  And I know you don’t really love me the way most moms do their daughters.  I know I wasn’t the daughter you wanted.  But I’m the one you’ve
got
.”

“Oh, Yannie,” her mother began, her face looking sad.

“Let me finish,” she held up her hand.  “I don’t ever expect us to be best buds, Mom, but I think we need to take a look at this relationship.  With everything that’s been going on in my life these past couple of months, I’m reminded that life is short. I don’t want to get a call one day saying that
you’ve
had a heart attack and we have unsaid things between us.”

Ayanna blinked back tears and waited, watching her
own mother’s eyes tear up for the second time that evening.

“
I would like very much to work on our relationship.”  Her mom looked down then back up at her daughter.  “I never thought you
wanted
a relationship.”  She paused again.  “Do you really believe I don’t love you?”

Having said her piece, Ayanna continued to wait
then looked away.

“You were difficult, Yannie, and all your father and I wanted for you was to have a successful life.”

“Mom, I don’t want to get into the blame game and who started the ball rollin’ in this dysfunctional dance between us.  I
know
I was difficult, but if I was it was only as a reaction to feeling unaccepted.  I never in my whole life felt like I was good enough for you.  Just one big disappointment.”

“Ayanna, we wanted a different life for you than the one
we
had growing up—”

“I just wanted to be
me
, Mom.  I didn’t want to be forced to be someone that I wasn’t.”  She thought of Dev and his inability to be his true self with them.  “I just wanted to be loved and accepted for who I was.  That’s all.  And when I didn’t feel that love and acceptance, I started a whole downward spiral of unhealthy behaviors and relationships.  It’s taken me a long time to see how damaging those choices were.”

Her mom looked down and took a moment before speaking.  “I’m sorry we made you feel unloved and unaccepted.  That wasn’t our intention.  You
were difficult, Yannie.  I should’ve tried to fix this between us ages ago, but I’m only human.  There are only so many times you can hear ‘I hate you’ from your daughter before –” 

“Before what?”

Her mom swallowed then looked her in the eye.  “Before you believe it.” 

“Mom,” Ayanna began.

“Listen, Yannie.  You’ve made a...success...of your life doing what you love despite our mistakes as parents, and for that I’m very proud of you.”

Ayanna couldn’t believe her ears.

“Your father and I love you and Dev very much.  I know we don’t say it, but we do.”

Ayanna blinked back more tears, a little bit in shock.

“If we were too strict, then it was the only way we knew how to express the importance of success.”

“But who or what determines success, Mom?  Is it how much money you have?  How happy you are?  I think each person needs to come to their own conclusion on that.”

“You might be right,” her mom said, looking weary.

“I don’t want to fight anymore, Mom,” Ayanna sighed, sounding weary herself.

“We’ve done pretty well tonight.  Not our usual kind of evening together is it?” she smiled softly.

“No.  It was very different.”  Ayanna hesitated, then said, “Instead of fighting, can we agree to disagree on certain things?”

“I think we can try to do that.”

“We have a lot of years of baggage to sort through, so let’s just take it a day at a time.”

Her mom lifted up her hand and touched Ayanna’s cheek.  She nodded then said, “You’ve grown up.” 

Ayanna’s emotions were swirling.  She was feeling extremely vulnerable, but at the same time hopeful.  “Mom?”

Her mom looked at her, waiting for Ayanna to finish.

“I know I’ve said some awful things to you over the years.”

Her mom waited.  Ayanna knew it was time to really grow up.  If her mom could admit her love, then Ayanna should move forward a little too.

“I’m sorry,” Ayanna whispered.  “You’re my mother, and even though I haven’t shown it or said it…I’ve wanted your love for so long.”

Her mother’s eyes glistened as she swallowed down her emotion.  “You have it.”

Ayanna finished her thought and
prepared herself to croak out the hardest thing she’d ever said to her mom.  “I don’t hate you.”

Her mom blinked back tears and
appeared to not know what to say. 

“I do love you, Mom, it’s just –”

“It’s going to take time, Yannie.”  She immediately changed the subject.  “What else can I help you with?”  She looked around the kitchen.

Ayanna
could tell they both needed a minute.  They had just made it through her very first healthy adult conversation with her mom, no plates were broken…and they had both admitted they loved each other.

Unbelievable.

“You’re not allowed to help me with a thing,” Ayanna finally teased.  “I’m getting your anniversary dessert ready.  Now get the hell out of here,” she said shooing her away.

“Language, Yannie,” her mom scolded but with a smile.  She shook her head as she walked out of the kitchen.

Ayanna watched her leave then grabbed the counter to steady herself.  It was taking every ounce of willpower for her to keep it together.  All she wanted to do was lay on the bed in a fetal position and cry over the years of rejection she had felt from her mother.

Her mom told her she loved her.  It was so incredible, she felt woozy.

“Hey.”

She looked up and saw Jon standing at the entrance to the kitchen, looking at her with concern.

“Your mom said you may need some help,” he said quietly.  “She looked like she could use some help herself.  She asked where the restroom was.”  He paused.  “Are you okay?”

“She told me she loved me,” Ayanna whispered.
  “I told her I didn’t hate her, that I loved her.  I don’t think we’ve said that to each other for 18 or 19 years.”

Jon walked quickly to her and enveloped her in his arms, rocking her slightly, rubbing his hands over her back.  She let some of the tears she had blinking back for the last several minutes finally spill.

“Of course she loves you, Yan.  She just didn’t know how to show it.  You’ll both find your way.”

“I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too, baby.”  He continued hugging her until she broke away and got a faraway look on her face. 

“I remember when I was 16, and she asked me if I wanted to have some friends over for my birthday.”

“Uh, huh.”  He waited for her to finish.

“And I remember,” she swallowed, “I remember telling her I would never have any
of my friends come to our house.  Then I told her I didn’t want my friends to meet them because,” she swallowed again, “because I hated them.  I actually told my mom I hated her.”  She looked up at Jon.  “Maybe they’ve tried over the years and I didn’t allow myself to hear what they were really saying.  I have some arrested development with them, or something.  It’s time to stop looking at them like I did when I was a teenager.  I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t try very hard with them when I was younger.”

“You were
just a kid.  You were hurt, baby.”

“I know, but I look back and can see times when they reached out and I shut them down.  I need to do better with them.  I want to
change things with them,” Ayanna said on a sob.

“You will.”  He hugged her close.  “
It’ll take time, but you will.  And listen.  I have to tell you something,” he said, dropping his voice to a whisper, “Your dad, Dev and I were talking about your furniture and I was letting them know about our IKEA trip and how my friend lent us his truck?”