Regrets of The Fallen (Victis Honor Book 1) (19 page)

“
I guess this is your mind.
” Bale looked around. “
Empty buildings… Nice.
”

“What are you trying to say? Look, this can’t represent my whole mind. That would just be sad.”

“
It represents the pieces of your life, I think,
” Bai said as she entered the wooden building the other two were in. The golden shine of her hair and eyes seemed dimmer here, as if the inherent sorrow of this place affected her directly.

“There you are! Wait, so the pieces of my life are empty buildings?”

Bai wiped the dust from the wall beside the door. “
Junon,
” she read.

Isabella blinked. “That’s… one of the cities I took out.”

Bale moved to the doorway, peering across the street. “
There’s the name of a family I recognize over there.
”

“Who is it
… Haskil?” Isabella shook her head. “We’re near the beginning of the killing, then…” She stepped outside, looking both ways. A short ways away to her right the houses were made of stone, and just past that was a much nicer area. To her left the houses grew darker and worse-off, some of them charred or torn apart, but in the distance she could see a large golden home that emitted some sort of light.

“
You can choose which way to go
,” Bai said as she moved up beside her. “
Back or forward, past or future.
” She folded her arms. “
Your mind isn’t very creative, is it?
”

“Shush.” Bella looked between both directions before heading for the golden house. “I already know what’s in the past. I want to see this future. I want to know what that represents.”

“
This can only end well
,” Bale muttered as she and Bai followed. They moved through the town, recognizing the names on the buildings as they passed. Isabella didn’t need to be reminded how empty her life was, but apparently her mind thought differently.

“My mind is an asshole,” she said to herself, because
she was the only one there. They were getting closer to the golden house, though the buildings around them were getting worse. Things changed a few minutes later, however; the ground began showing grass, and more flowers appeared as they passed. Suddenly the buildings they moved around showed signs of construction, as if they were being rebuilt or newly erected. Bella smiled as she walked. “See, it’s not all bad. It’s getting better. This area is actually pretty nice.”

“
It’s reflecting your change
,” Bai said as she inspected the flowers they passed. “
Life among the death.
”

“
Only
your
mind would take rebuilding your life so literally,
” Bale stated.

“Hey, I didn’t ask for your opinion.” Isabella blinked as another figure stepped out of a house before them. “Haruka…?” Haruka smiled at her and began walking. Isabella grinned and sped up; behind her, Bale and Bai shared a look before following. “Wait, Ruki! Damn it, stop going so fast!” Isabella had to start running to catch up, but soon enough she was running beside Haruka, who gave her a grin. They continued running, straight towards the golden house, until suddenly Bella was jerked back, stopped by hands on her arms. She glared back at Bale and Bai, who held her and prevented her from moving forward. “What are you doing?!”

Bai sighed and looked to the side, but Bale just pointed ahead of her. Isabella blinked, looking ahead and finally realizing the problem; the town simply ended before her. A giant chasm separated her from the golden building, dark and bottomless and much too wide to leap. Haruka stood in the middle of the air above the chasm, looking at her in confusion. “Why’d you stop?”

Bella looked at the other two. “She doesn’t see it…?”

Bai shook her head. “
It’s not hers.
”

“Maybe I can just walk on it like she can…”

Bale shrugged. “
You can try, but… You already know it won’t work.
”

Isabella looked back ahead to see Haruka waving at her from the other side. Bella braced herself and stepped forward, but just as expected, she fell. Bale and Bai appeared beside her as the wind rushed by. None of them were bothered by the fall; all knew it wasn’t real. Isabella looked at them sadly. “I can’t make it, can I…?”

Bai shook her head. “
Sorry…
”

“
It
is
kind of our fault,
” Bale said quietly.

“No,” Isabella responded, looking down as they approached the ground. “It’s mine.”

IXH

“She’s hidin’ somethin’, y’know.”

Haruka looked at Freya. “She hides many things.” The monk was leaning up against the wall, keeping an eye on Isabella’s bed; the pirate had just appeared leaning against the doorway. “Has a right.”

“Does she?” Freya raised an eyebrow. “What if
th’ things she’s hidin’ affect you?”

“She’ll talk when ready.”

Freya tilted her head. “You trust ‘er, huh?”

“Completely.”

“How long’ve ya known each other?”

Haruka blinked. “…a week?”

Freya laughed. “Really?!”

The monk rubbed her head, embarrassed. “Really.”

“I would ‘ave guessed a lot longer. Like, years.”

Haruka shrugged. “Feels that way.”

“Just ‘ave a connection, huh?” Freya rubbed her chin. “Yeah, I get that. Th’ thing is, you two seem really close, an’ pretty important to one another. It’s obvious by th’ way you act normally, but ‘specially in certain situations.”

Haruka glanced at her curiously. “Like what?”

Freya shrugged. “When th’ banshee screamed, it took ya seconds t’ get out on deck an’ check on ‘er. An’ o’ course, y’ jumped after her when she went after th’ banshee. As for ‘er, well…” The pirate scratched her cheek. “Not my place t’ say. But ‘er expression when you come up in conversation says a lot.”

Haruka looked back at Isabella, wondering just what it meant. Obviously they had a quick, strong connection; that was half the reason she had left the Black Sun for her. Of course, it was an out, as Haruka had no desire to continue being a Black Sun. She’d never wanted that life, but she’d had nothing better to leave for. Isabella was better. Even though they hadn’t had the best of luck from the beginning, she still found herself happy with her decision, content with the way life was going right now. If she looked ahead and filled in her future with many years of this, she was happy with the thought. That said enough about whether or not this was the right choice.

But what exactly did it mean? That thought still circled her head as she ran over things, organizing the information in her mind as she tended to do. Freya watched her, smiling slightly. “You look like you’re thinkin’ ‘ard, lass.”

Haruka sighed, sinking into a chair. “Lot to think about. Curious… Confusing… Interesting.”

“What’s interestin’?”

“Just… thoughts.” Haruka sighed. “About the future.”

“Ah…” Freya nodded towards the bed. “Is she in yer future?”

“…If she wants.”

“C’mon, now,” Freya said with a chuckle. “Don’t gimme that. I’m askin’ you, what do
you
want?”

Haruka looked at her, thinking over her response. “…To be with her.”

“There ya go.” Freya nodded. “Now does
she
know that? Life’s a crazy bitch an’ she don’t always give you time t’ say an’ do th’ things you want. You always wanna make sure th’ people around you know ‘ow you feel, ‘specially if it’s good.”

Haruka tilted her head. “You’re saying… Don’t hesitate?”

“Exactly! I ‘ate hesitation. You didn’t hesitate when y’ jumped after ‘er, did you? How about when y’ left?”

“I didn’t.”

“Then why hesitate talkin’ about things?”

Haruka sighed. “Delicate. Lots of pain.”

“Yeah, I heard ‘er past was kinda dark. What about yours?” Freya pushed off the door frame, taking a couple steps into the room. “I know you care ‘bout each other, but you gotta remember t’ think about yerselves, too. Y’ can’t just keep focusin’ on th’ other person, that doesn’t work an’ you can end up resentin’ ‘em.”

“I just want to be… careful,” Haruka stated, rubbing her arm. “Never had real friends. Bella’s more than just… a ‘friend’. Want to do things right. No mistakes.”

“By the time you’re done avoidin’ mistakes, things might be too late.” Freya sighed, giving a shrug. “But it’s jus’ my opinion. I’ve never been one t’ pussyfoot around or take my time. Maybe I’m givin’ bad advice. I jus’ think there’s such a thing as
too
careful.”

Haruka nodded. “You’re right. Will keep in mind. Careful, but… not too much.”

“Prob’ly th’ best idea.” Freya turned towards the doorway. “Lemme know if you need anythin’.”

“Right.” Haruka looked at her. “Thanks.”

Freya smiled. “Don’t thank me. It’s only ‘cause I like you.”

Haruka smiled as she left, then took a seat on the bed, sighing as she looked at Isabella. Life used to be so simple, but now it was complicated in all sorts of ways, enough to confuse her. However… The monk smi
led to herself, leaning back and crossing one leg over the other. She couldn’t deny that this complicated life was a lot more exciting. She felt more alive, more engaged, and more invested in her own life. Sure, things were dangerous, confusing, constantly troublesome and emotionally draining… but it was fun.

Freya must have rubbed off on her, because Haruka found herself grinning at the prospect of what else they might face. Whatever the case, she was embracing this life whole-heartedly, and damn anything that tried to get in their way.

IXH

Haruka jerked awake to a dark room. She had no recollection of falling asleep, but she had. A quick look around revealed she was alone in the bed, though the blanket was pulled over her. She smiled at first, realizing Bella must be conscious again, but then frowned, wondering where she was. The monk climbed out of the bed, moving quietly. Her instincts led her to step out onto the deck where she realized it was the middle of the night. A cool wind chilled her slightly, but not enough to be uncomfortable. The sound of the waves reached her ears, soothing and calm, a stark difference from all the storms they’d had recently. Her eyes were drawn upwards, however, and she soon found herself staring silently.

The sky was clear, revealing a brilliant blanket of a million stars. They shone brightly enough for her to find several constellations in a few seconds; some of them shimmered softly, slowly changing color as they were wont to do. Haruka found what she was looking for soon enough: Isabella was standing alone on an empty part of the deck away from everyone, staring at the sky in obvious thought. As Haruka approached from behind her she spoke softly without looking back, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Very,” responded Haruka as she stepped up near her, watching her curiously.

Isabella continued gazing into the stars, her soft voice carrying a tone that was oddly sad and distant. “Have you ever thought about how we can’t reach them? That, no matter how beautiful and desirable and magnificent they are, no matter how they guide our dreams and dominate our thoughts…” She finally looked at Haruka. “…All we can do is look?”

Haruka met her eyes. Isabella wasn’t just talking about stars, that much was obvious, but she couldn’t understand what she was really talking about. The knight looked and acted like she’d just learned of a family member’s death, except Haruka knew they were already all dead. She couldn’t fathom what had suddenly come over the usually cheerful woman, so she might as well ask. “What’s wrong?”

Isabella smiled at her before looking away. “Many things. I really don’t want to-“

“Talk about it,” Haruka finished for her with a sigh. “Of course you don’t.”

Bella looked down at the gentle waves. “I… I’m sorry,” she said lamely. “I’m being unfair… again… But I’m trying to protect you.”

Haruka folded her arms. “Don’t need it.”

“You don’t know that.” Isabella looked away from her. “You have no idea. Already I’m being selfish. If I was to be more so…”

Haruka growled, grabbing her shoulder and turning her to face her. “I care about you. Why hide everything?”

Isabella looked scared as she tried to look anywhere but Haruka’s face. “Because I’m… falling for you.”

The monk blinked. She took Isabella’s chin gently, but firmly, forcing her to meet her eyes. “I feel it.” She tilted her head, smirking slightly. “Others see it. No need to hide.” Isabella let out a deep breath as Haruka traced a finger down her cheek. “I care about you.” She smiled. “For you. You aren’t just a friend, you never were.” The knight shook slightly as Haruka moved closer. “Bella… I-“

“Haruka, stop!” Isabella cried out as she pushed her away. Haruka looked genuinely startled, which quickly changed to confusion. Bella was distraught; she seemed almost on the verge of a breakdown as she turned away and shook her head, hugging herself. “You can’t just… You can’t care that much for me. You
can’t.
”