Reinventing Rachel (21 page)

“I think my faith has been characterized by a lot of working—working to earn God’s favor, his love, his guidance. Go to church, read the Bible, pray, do this, don’t do that.”

Rachel frowned as Leah described the life she herself had led for years. “But isn’t that what the Bible tells us to do?”

Leah looked at Rachel with curiosity. “Us?”

“You, us, whatever.”
Way to blow your cover.

Leah shrugged and went back to work. “Well, not really, no. It says to love God with all your heart and soul and mind and strength. It doesn’t say, ‘Here’s a checklist; get to work.’ I think those things come because we’re motivated to connect with God and learn more about him. They shouldn’t be conditions that we try to meet in order to earn his favor, and if we skip a Sunday or go to bed without praying, God’s going to withdraw his love until we’re back on the right track.” She shook her head. “A friend of mine reminded me the other day that God loves us, first and foremost, and that in any healthy relationship
both
parties work toward deeper intimacy. It’s not just up to one of us—like, it’s not just up to me to make our relationship deeper and closer. God’s working at it, too, meeting me halfway—more than halfway, sometimes, when I’m really struggling. It’s a way different view than the one I was raised with, where I thought God was sitting on his throne aiming lightning bolts at my feet and telling me to dance.”

Rachel had stopped sweeping as Leah’s personal revelation became more and more enlightening. To hear the idea that a relationship with God was a two-way street was eye-opening.
Although what does that say about the way he abandoned me? Where was that mutual effort when the crap hit the fan?

She was about to ask another question when a rap on the door made them both jump. Then Leah let out a laugh and ran to unlock it. “Declan, good grief, what are you doing here so late?”

Declan polished the rain from his John Lennon glasses. “What, the party’s already done then? It’s not even half ten.” His accent—some kind of British that she couldn’t place—drew Rachel’s attention, as did the way his eyes locked with hers. “Oh, hi there.”

“Hi.”

“Rachel, this is Declan. I invited him to come tonight—”

“Which I did.”

“Well, yes, but four hours past when I told you to!”

He grinned. “Sorry, I was studying with the boys and lost track of time.” He reached out a hand to Rachel. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too.” She shook his hand—strong and warm, and lingered slightly longer than necessary—then gestured toward his outfit that was beaded with rain. “Still pouring out there, I guess?”

“Aye, but just a wee sprinkle, really.”

Ah, Scottish then.

“I’ll drive you home when we’re done,” Leah said to him, then turned to Rachel. “You, too—you usually walk, don’t you?”

“After day shifts, yes. But I take the bus at night.”

“Definitely give her a ride then,” Declan said. “No need for you to be standing at the stop in the rain.”

“True.” Leah motioned to a chair. “Make yourself comfortable. I was just telling Rachel what you and I were talking about the other day, about a relationship with God being dependent on both parties and not just us.”

Rachel groaned inside.
He’s probably one of her seminary friends. Never mind then.

The thought took her by surprise. Why would she even think about him that way, given she was going on four months with Jack? What if Declan
had
been a “possibility”—would she have just dumped Jack like their relationship was nothing?
But I’m
not
serious about Jack, right? He
is
just a transitional guy, and unless I want to deal with a really messy breakup, I need to start making that clearer—

“Right, Rachel?”

Rachel jumped. “What? I—I’m sorry, I got caught up in my own thoughts. I didn’t realize you were talking to me.” She felt her cheeks warming with embarrassment.

Leah spoke again. “I was just telling Declan that I’d told you about our house church the other day, and that you’d said you were familiar with the concept.”

“Oh—right, right.”

“If you’re interested, we’d love to have you join us,” Declan said. His brown eyes drew Rachel in like tractor beams. “Not that we’re doing anything formal right now—though I suppose that’s the whole point, aye?”

Rachel swept the small pile of debris she’d made into the dust trap. “Oh, thanks, but no. I’m not, um—I’m not really a Christian anymore.”

Leah’s eyes widened. “Anymore?”

Rachel concentrated her eyes on her broom, not wanting to make eye contact with either of them. “It’s a long story. I don’t really like to talk about it.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Declan said, his voice sincere.

“It’s okay,” she said, offering a small smile that was probably more flirtatious than she had intended. She suddenly realized how tired she was, which she blamed for her apparent inability to control her facial expressions. She needed to be home, in bed, with this night behind her and Declan out of her space before she said something stupid.

And yet, once she was home and in bed, she stared at the ceiling, unable, as usual, to sleep. Thoughts of Jack’s comments about making a career rather than just having a job were buzzing around in her head. Was coffee destined to be her career? Surely youth ministry hadn’t been her only other option.

And was that all life was—finding a job you could tolerate for thirty years, then retiring and playing bunko and knitting until you died? She thought about heaven and the beliefs she’d had about death. Without some kind of afterlife to aim for, what was the point of life? And without God, what was life’s value?

It was past midnight when she finally rolled out of bed and shuffled to the kitchen for a drink. As much as she’d always loved coffee, sleep had always been the one thing it couldn’t deliver. She was glad she’d finally found something that could give her a hand in that department.

She drained the shot of vodka and cringed at the heat on her throat. As it dissipated, however, she felt more at peace, knowing in a few minutes her mind would stop racing in circles and she’d finally be able to sleep.

o

Rachel nearly dropped the espresso she was making when Declan stepped through the door. He saw her and waved. She waved back, then quickly bent her head to her work and willed him to wait to order his drink until she’d gotten back to the office. She wanted to grab another Altoid before they spoke, and she’d left the container on the desk.

“Hey, Rachel,” he said as he approached the counter. “Feeling better today? You looked pretty shattered last night.”

“Yes, thanks, got some good sleep,” she lied as she slid the drink down the counter and then called out the customer’s name. “What can I get you?”

“Just a large coffee, thanks.”

She smiled. “Easy customer.” She poured the coffee and handed it to him, then took the money he handed her. “Looks heavy,” she said, nodding toward the backpack that hung off his shoulder.

“The thing’s a beast. I’ll likely be paralyzed by the time I graduate.”

She handed him his change with a smile she couldn’t help. She loved his accent, for one thing. “There you go—enjoy. You sticking around?”

“For a while, aye. Just to get a change of scenery while I study. You working long?”

“Another four hours.”

“Well, if you get a break, come chat with me. I’d love the excuse to procrastinate.”

She smiled, though inside she felt guilty at the warmth that came at his invitation. “Maybe, yeah. Thanks.”

He nodded and smiled before leaving to claim a table. She checked the clock and decided to do two more office tasks before taking a break to chat with him. Though she wasn’t sure why—she wasn’t in the mood to talk. But something about him made her want to just sit next to him. He didn’t even have to talk to her. Maybe just stare at her with those eyes—

Stop it!

She served customers until Brian was back on shift, then ducked into the back to tweak the following month’s schedule and place an order. Once she had those done, she took one last drink from her water bottle and ate another Altoid, then went out for her hard-earned break.

“Perfect timing,” Declan said when she appeared beside him. “I was just getting to Tertullian, and he bores me to tears.” He grinned and pushed out a chair for her. “I’d buy you a drink but you probably get them free, yes?”

She smiled her first genuine smile in days. “I do. But thanks for the sort-of offer.”

“Do you drink a lot of coffee then?”

“Oh yes. You?”

“Well, more than I did back in Scotland, but only because I can’t find a decent hard cider here to save my life.” He shut his book and pushed his glasses back up on his nose. “So tell me more about how you aren’t a Christian anymore.”

Had she been drinking something she’d have choked a little. “That was subtle.” But the look his eyes was like truth serum. She wanted to tell him everything.

“Yeah, diplomacy isn’t my strong suit. I find out someone has a story to tell about God, I want to hear it, good or bad. I don’t do a lot of beating around the bush. Life is short, no point in wasting it on small talk.”

She meant to only give him the bare minimum, but his questions kept her talking until Jack materialized beside her. “Hey, babe.”

She jumped, hand on her heart. “You startled me.” She looked at the clock and realized she’d been talking with Declan for half an hour. Jack was just coming on shift. She stood as she made the introductions. “Declan, this is Jack. My boyfriend. And Jack, this is Declan. He’s a friend of Leah’s from school.”

They shook hands as Rachel pushed her chair in. “It was good talking to you, Declan. Sorry I have to run, I lost track of the time.”

“No worries, Rachel. It was a pleasure. We’ll have to talk some more again sometime.”

She walked with Jack back to the stock room where she saw for the first time the disappointment in his eyes. “Why didn’t you ever tell me you were so religious back in California?”

“Oh.” She cringed. “You heard that, huh?”

“We were actually talking about religion at the party and you still didn’t bring it up.”

“Because it’s not that big a deal.”

“The way you were talking with Declan, it sure sounded like a big deal. ‘Eating me up inside’ were the words I think you used.”

She let out a huff of frustration and pressed her palm to her forehead. “Well … he’s a Christian, so he understands where I’m coming from. That’s all.”

Jack shook his head. “I just can’t believe you’d talk with a virtual stranger about that and not your boyfriend. It certainly would have explained a lot.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your mood lately—you’ve been so subdued. Knowing that something has been weighing on you like that would explain it.”

She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his chest. She noticed it took him a few moments to reciprocate. “I’m sorry, Jack. Honestly.”

“It’s all right,” he said after a long moment. “Just promise me you won’t keep any more secrets, okay?”

She promised, knowing it was a lie—she certainly wouldn’t divulge the way Declan made her feel any time soon, or the doubts about being with Jack long term. They broke apart and went back to work, though Rachel couldn’t concentrate on anything long enough to finish it. Rachel needed Daphne’s help to sort through this. She felt so guilty for enjoying Declan’s company so much, and awful for making Jack feel bad. Something wasn’t right with their relationship. She didn’t know what it was, but she didn’t think she’d be lying so much to him if things were as they should have been.
She finished the remaining contents of her water bottle.
This is when I need Daphne to be the friend she used to be.

She had three hours left of work. It was going to be a long afternoon.

o

Rachel’s phone rang as she sorted laundry in the living room. She crawled over the pile of clothes to her purse, which hung from the barstool. Her chest tightened when she saw her mother’s number on the display
.