Release Me (17 page)

“Dude there is nothing wrong with needing to dumb things down and clear your mind. Give her a break man. It’s not like she was bailing on a Dr. visit or some shit. It’s a Friday afternoon; she’s been at work all day dealing with other high maintenance bands because her world doesn’t revolve around TAT as much as we wished it did. She fought with her girls. When we dumb it down we play music, when Tay needs a breather she bails for alone time. Don’t ride her ass about it man.”

I shake my head no and finish the bottle of Miller and grab another, twisting the top and chucking it to the trash. “It’s not that. I don’t give a fuck if she needs time bro, I get that. It’s that she runs from me, she doesn’t run to me. For fuck sakes I am finding out why she’s pissed from you. I have called her what? Ten times? And nothing. One text from you and she is fast as shit to respond. Tay runs from me and I am fucking tired of it.”

“Dude, she only text me back because the whole you owe me thing she knows I mean business. She has been on my ass at every turn with playing out this album, so she wore me down but I warned there would be a price. I was just hoping for something like a new guitar or something fun but I make any deal I can to be there if I am needed.” Noah shrugs his shoulders and looks to Axe who stands on his barstool and climbs on to Noah’s back.

I smile as I watch them and sigh. “Dude get a guitar, don’t chase after her. If she wants to talk I want her to talk to me.”

He looks at me then and the look is intense. I can’t tell if he is gonna slit my throat or start crying. “You really love her.” He doesn’t ask me because it wasn’t a question.

“Yep.” I say and swig the last of my second beer, but refuse the urge for a third.

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see

No one knows this more than me

Chapter Seventeen

Tayla

I walk into the Pit and see Sam and I smile instantly. “Hey Pet.” He says and winks, kissing me on the cheek. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I am actually here for Noah.” I say with a guilty smile. He makes a joke of gripping his chest in mock heartache.

“Stop breaking my heart Pet.”

I smack his arm and let out a frustrated sigh. “It’s been a long day Hun.”

“Wanna talk?” He asks me, all joking gone he looks at me with his intense green eyes and I know he will listen and help me if he could.

“Just life. I feel like everyone is on me over this Jenny BS. I just want what is best for Cal and Axe and right now, having Jenny fill some of the void she left in Axe is what matters. I know he isn’t my son, I know that. I know that by rights I have none, but my heart is his and his dads, there is no changing that. If I need to sit back and bite my tongue to see them content I will.”

“That’s why you are his mom Tay.” Noah says from behind me and I turn to see him lift his sunglasses from his head and walk to the counter where Sam and I are.

“That’s the truth.” Sam says and I see a sad smile cross his face. “When I lost my daughter, I didn’t think there would be anything on this earth to fill the void. I think of the mistakes I made and that I wasn’t there for her the day she died. Looking back on every second I had with her, I understand why you do things that suck for you but are right for the child.”

I am frozen in place my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach. I knew Sam had a past that he suffered immensely with but no, nothing on this earth would have prepared me for what he just told me. I look to Noah, who obviously, duh, knew about this and probably knew his daughter. He pats his back in a brotherly way but doesn’t fuss, so I don’t fuss.

“I had no idea Sam. I am so sorry.” I try to level my voice as I look him in the eye fully understanding the sadness that is ever present there.

“I don’t like to talk about it too much, but if it helps you see that right or wrong you are there for him in the trenches then I can share my knowledge and maybe help.” He is so nonchalant in his tone that I know he is done talking and I will never push him on it.

Noah breaks the moment by handing me his phone and I can see on the screen he is calling Cal. “You need to talk to your man T.”

He walks away toward his booth and leaves me standing there. I look at the phone when I hear Cal answer. “Hey baby.” I say and the silence I am greeted with confuses me. “Cal.”

“I’m here. I’m guessing Noah forced this call so do your thing, I am done chasing you.” He hangs up and I look at the phone in shock before going to Noah.

“How bad is this on a scale from one to ten?” I ask and take a seat in the chair by his drawing desk.

“Scale of one to ten, oh I’d say about an eight.” Noah says and starts freehand drawing a hard candy on my foot.

“Why?” I ask exhausted by this entire day and it’s only five PM.

“You need to talk to him, but my suggestion is tread really fucking carefully on this one.” Noah says and leans back to look between my fingers at the lettering he just drew. “What do you think?” He asks me.

I look at the script as it reads from left to right, “The gaps between my fingers are meant for your fingers my love.” Tears come to my eyes as I see this beautiful promise that I am giving Cal, feeling awful for my behavior today. “I love it Noah, its perfect.”

He nods and starts setting up. I move to the tattoo chair and watch his methodical movements as he sets up. “How are you doing?” I ask and I am so careful with him because I don’t want to hurt him.

“Same as I am every day. Mad as hell, sad as hell, and horny.” He winks but I know he doesn’t feel as light as he sounds.

“You know I spoke with the label and they have services available that can help with the depression and anger.” In a career as publically recognized like Noah’s, it’s hard to find help that is truly confidential.

“You think I am gonna let a shrink anywhere near my mind?” He asks with sarcastic laughter. “These trap doors are sealed fucking tight T. They won’t ever be opened.” The trap doors he is referring too are the memories in his mind of the father who beat him to a bloody pulp and the reminders of a sister he was forced to see raped. As if those weren’t enough to make him a little insane, now he has the memories of the one woman he loved and trusted and the reminder she is gone forever.

Cal

It was after nine by the time Tayla walked in the door. I had put Axe to bed after his dinner and bath and so I went to my studio to play some tunes and clear my mind. I might not have the ability to be a lyricist, but I can write music.

“Hey babe.” Tayla says from the door. I have paused my strumming to write the notes down on the sheet music on the table beside me.

“Hey beautiful.” I look up and see her in her business woman get up. I love every side to this woman; even the stubborn brat that wants to run away from me, but to see her in her element it has always done something to me. Most of her tats are covered and she is so muted from the relaxed girlfriend of a rock star. Knowing what a little sprite was underneath all the business made me hard. Every. Fucking. Time.  “Let’s see the tat.” I ask knowing she was getting something special for me this round.

She watches me with a little confusion but slips her tattooed hand into mine. It takes me a minute but then I see it. In black ink along the inside of her fingers is the very fucking definition of our love. I smile seeing it, smile seeing all of Tays beautiful ink. “Come here babe.”

She comes to me softly without any pause. She knows I am disappointed in how she ran again but I can’t let her think for one minute she isn’t wanted. “I am so sorry for running out. Lunch was awful and then to see the excitement on your face knowing Noah was back for the time being...” She doesn’t finish, she shakes her head and nuzzles into my neck.

“I am never going to hurt you again Tay, not intentionally.” I say the words I have been stressing for months now. I say them because that is why she is running. She loves me I know she does, but she doesn’t believe in me and that sucks.

“I know Cal.” She sounds so small and I hold her closer.

“Then stop running away baby, I am not ever gonna let you go Tayla. You know that right?” I hang on the precipice waiting for her to tell me she knows and she will stop running.

“I hate letting you see me when I am stressed Cal. I am so scared that my weakness in some things will make you second guess me or the value I hold in your eyes.”

Jesus I wanted to throw up. I have never been disgusted by myself in the sense I was this instant. I cup her face in my hands and force her to look at me. "You need to have faith in me baby. If you think for one minute that I could stand back and let you leave, whether or not I have the ability to change your mind I would still not let you leave without begging you to stay. I need to be your best friend Tayla. I need to know all of the little things that aggravate you or be the shoulder you lean on. I don’t expect you to bag out on the girls or the guys for that matter.” I pause and kiss her lips soft, slow... I want no question or fear in her eyes. “Run whenever you feel like you need to run babe, but run to me not from me. I am here, unwavering and on your side no matter what Tayla. I will follow you to the ends of this earth if you ask it of me, just run to me baby.”

I watch as I speak, her violet eyes fill with tears and when she blinks and they fall just so I could catch them with my thumbs. “I will Cal.” She cries and holds me as I kiss along her neck, my arms an unbreakable force that will tether her to me. “I love you.” She says against my chest and I am overwhelmed with love, though I don’t think that it could define what she means to me.

Tayla

We are lying in bed, tangled in the sheets and naked. After all the things we have done to one another, I don’t think I have ever felt the freedom, the joy, which I feel now that I have agreed to trust him and let the fear go.

I am rubbing along his happy trail in hopes to get him going for a round two when my phone rings. “Oh no way baby. Ignore it.” Cal says right as his fingers slip inside of me. I look at my phone, my back arching as he curls his fingers inside of me at just the right angle.

I look at the screen because in my line of business I have no choice but to be connected to my job at any minute of any day. That doesn’t mean I answer every time it rings, but it will tell me if I need to stop to call back or let it go until we are done. When I see that it was Jenny I grab Cal’s arm and stop his amazing fingers to stop him.

“Babe it was Jenny.” I say but he makes no move to stop as he shakes my arm free and bends to lick me.

“So?” He says while lazily lapping at my clit making it extremely hard for me to remember why I care exactly.

“Oh, God...” I groan and bite my lip. “Mmmm, babe she never calls my phone.” I yelp as I say phone when he slaps the side of my ass with the palm of his hand.

“So?” He says again and slips his fingers back inside of me. Just as I am about to forget about the call, she calls again.

“Cal, c’mon.” I say and pull back from him. I can see he is frustrated by my stopping him and I am fucking pissed that Jenny tends to always get into trouble and calling me at fucking midnight? It can only spell trouble.

“Babe, Jenny needs her boundaries. She knows when she can call, she knows when she can see Axe and more importantly she has my personal cell number that is the emergency number. If there was a problem it’s that phone she would call. She’s probably out drinking and partying and drunk dialing you.”

“Why the hell would she drunk dial me?” I ask and he looks at me, still perched between my thighs before he sighs and crawls from the bed. I hate that this is going to ruin round two but I hate more that he is now irritated by me.

He is slipping his gray Nike muscle tank over his head when he looks at me incredulously. “Babe, really?”

“Yes really.” I say and decide to gather my panties and slip them on before snaking one of Cal’s tee-shirts from the dresser drawer.

“Because.” He says and slowly walks toward me. The swagger on this man is enough to make me come. “You care about her getting what she wants. You want her to be a part of this for Axe but for her too. She knows that you are on her side if she keeps doing well. That can be some heady shit I bet considering she doesn’t have anyone.”

I feel my heart melt at his words because it justifies everything I have been through today. All thoughts vanish though when the tune to ‘Take me to church’ plays from Cal’s phone on the nightstand. “Hello?” Cal says immediately. I watch his facial expressions as he goes from questioning to worry in a blink. “Noah did what? I can barely hear you Jenny.” He is throwing his basketball shorts on and tossing his socks on the bed as he listens and hangs on every word. I am dressing as fast as I can, terrified that something bad happened to my friend. “Give me twenty. I am gonna grab Shame and we will be there.”

By the time he was off the phone Cal was literally running out the door with a fast kiss goodbye. I knew as he drove off that the man I love is about to step right on in to Noah’s nightmare.