Relinquished (6 page)

“Do you want to now?” He gestured at the wheel. “I can pull over.”

I looked around, really wanting to but knowing better.  I’d driven plenty of cars like this one, which was why I couldn’t take him up on his offer.  “No.  I’d rather not get pulled over without a license.”

His eyebrows raised. “Hmm.  Should I ask?”

“You can ask, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you,” I flirted, enjoying our playful back and forth way too much. A genuine grin broke out on my lips.  Damn, Holden could make me smile so easily. Around him, I seemed to forget about all the shit in my life. Was this what it felt like to be free?

“How about you?” I asked, wanting to take the focus off me. “What made you get into the fitness business?”

He settled further in his seat, completely at ease. “Since Dante and I grew up at a military school, we learned self-defense as far back as I can remember, and I became fascinated with martial arts.”

My eyes widened. “Military school, wow.  I can see Dante going to military school, but you seem so laid back.”

A sad expression covered his face. “Yeah, our dad is in the security business and travels a lot, so he sent us somewhere to give us a more stable life. We only stayed with him during the holidays and our summer break.”

Interesting. Although we were from completely different worlds, the three of us had grown up in brick and mortar institutions. I wondered what their mother was like, and how she felt about sending her sons off to be raised by other people.

He shook his head. “We’ve always been active in one way or another.  Dante has a business degree, and I went into sports physical rehab.  It just made sense that we went into business together by opening a gym.  We started out with just athletes but found a way to make our program work for anyone who wanted to live a fit life.” His eyes came to life when he looked at me. “There are a couple guys that instruct the self-defense classes, but that’s my favorite thing to teach. I can show you some moves when you’re ready.”

“That would be great.” I wish I’d known those moves earlier on in my life.  I bet I could’ve gotten out of a lot of situations had I known how to protect myself better, how to protect other people better.

It began to lightly drizzle as we got off the freeway, but he didn’t seem daunted. The surrounding area was bland until the ocean appeared, seemingly out of nowhere and took my breath away.

I sat up straight and peered through the lightly spotted window before the wipers cleared away the tiny drops. “Oh my God.  It’s so…” Words escaped me. I was in absolute awe.

Holden switched off the music, and the only sound was the clicking of the turn signal and the intermittent swipe of the wipers.  My heart pounded as excitement filled my body. All these years…

I watched the dark water ease up to shore then suddenly white foamy waves crashed against the sand.   As we turned left, Holden rolled down my window.  “Listen to it.”

A cold blast of ocean air smacked me in the face, tossing my hair around, but I welcomed it. Even from the street, I could hear the angry waves as they collided with the earth. I closed my eyes, focusing on the magnificent sound, and breathed in the strong, salty air.  When I opened my eyes, we were pulling into a tiny alley lined with two and three-story homes just as one of the garage doors opened.  

Confused, I looked at Holden, who was trying not to smile. “What’re we doing here?”

“This is my house.”

We pulled into the garage, next to his International Scout, and I was completely blown away.  He’d never told me that he lived
right
on the beach. Then again, we were still learning about each other, and I hadn’t exactly told him everything yet either. And I probably never will.

“Come on, let’s go in.  I’ll show you around, and you can drop your things in the wash right away.” He pointed to the high-tech washer and dryer by the door that I assumed led into the house.

I leaned back, grabbed my bag from behind my seat, and wished I’d packed more than just my work outfits and sweaty gym clothes. Since I had to carry my clothes to and from the laundromat, I normally only washed small batches at a time. There were usually dryers that still had a few minutes left after other people pulled their clothes out and the fewer the clothes I had, the quicker they would dry.

The garage door slowly lowered as I stepped out of the passenger seat. Holden rounded the front of the car and narrowed his eyes at me.

“What?”

He impatiently swished the ring of his keys around his finger. “I was going to get the door for you.”

“Oh.  Sorry.” I should’ve been used to that by now.  Whenever he drove me anywhere, he was normally at my door before I had a chance to open it.

He stepped closer, leaning in until our bodies were touching, then he swiped my hair behind my shoulders. “It’s okay, but I’d like to open your door from now on, okay?”

I felt him leaning in further, and my eyes slipped shut. As his lips made contact with my cheek, I breathed out quietly, “Okay.”

When he placed his hand on my lower back and led me to the machines, I was practically panting. I didn’t even have to look at him to feel his grin. It was pretty obvious that he loved the effect he was having on me.

He set the machine up and waited until I dumped my clothes in before opening the door to the house. “Come on in.” Tossing his keys, wallet, and cell onto a side table, he strolled confidently into his home—his beautiful, breathtaking home.

We were in a small hallway with two doors on either side. Directly in front of us was the living room, and just beyond the opening, I could see huge glass windows and doors that sat no more than twenty feet away from the sand.

He gave me a knowing look. “Now you know why I had to have this house.” He flicked on a few lights since it was starting to get dark.

“Yes.  That view is spectacular.  Why would you ever leave?” I chuckled as I walked up to the glass, placing my hands on it as I stared out. I could’ve gotten lost in this scene all day.

Snapping out of my trance, I realized I’d left smudges on the window. “Oh shit, I’m sorry.” I pulled my arm through the short sleeve of my shirt and began frantically cleaning the glass.

“Jules, it’s okay,” he laughed. “Don’t worry about it.” Holden placed a calming hand on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry.  I used to get in trouble when I was little because I always left handprints on the front room window.” Wow. I hadn’t meant to blurt that out. At least that memory was one of the easier ones. Just one of my shorter stays.

That particular clean freak foster mother had wanted a doll she could dress up and display, not a child.  She’d forbid me from playing with the neighborhood kids, so I’d sneak up to the window behind the couch and watch them ride their bikes and play street hockey.  When we were in school, the boys always asked why I never came out to play, and after a few snotty girls teased me enough times about it, I stopped watching them.  Within a short time, I was relocated. Again.

Holden ran a soothing hand up and down my back as I pushed my arm through the sleeve. “Don’t worry about it.  Really.” But the look in his eyes said that he was concerned.  

I gave him a sheepish smile. “It’s funny how little things from your childhood mold you into who you are as an adult.”

His eyes softened as he nodded. “That’s so true. We carry all kinds of baggage into our adult lives.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and turned to stare out of the window. “Ya know, when we were kids, there were these boys that wouldn’t leave me alone, and Dante stood on the sidelines and refused to help me.  He said I needed to learn how to stand up for myself, no matter how many guys were coming after me.”

I grimaced. “Well, that’s pretty shitty of him.  What happened?”

He continued to gaze out of the window toward the horizon. “Eventually, I became skilled enough to beat the shit out of them, but it still made me feel bitter. My brother didn’t back me up when I needed him most.”

I couldn’t help but think about Casey and how I’d wished I could’ve helped her.

He turned his head toward me, snickering. “Funny thing is, he’s just as protective as I am now. Neither of us will stand by and let someone get hurt by another person, but I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever forgiven him.”

I placed my hand on his shoulder, one of the few times I’d actually reached out to him. “Is that why you decided to work with injured athletes?  To help them heal?”     

He shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.  I’ve watched athletes give their all to a sport, but as soon as they aren’t useful, they’re discarded and forgotten. It’s bullshit. I want to rebuild their confidence while helping them strengthen their physical abilities. My ultimate goal is to show them they’re worth something with or without the sports label.”

Those simple words gave me a whole new understanding of the man who was somehow slowly soothing the gaping hole in my heart. I felt myself staring at him with admiration.

From the very beginning, I’d been attracted to his attitude toward people like me—the discarded, broken souls
in society.  But until now, I hadn’t realized just how deep his compassion went. 

He reached up and wrapped a piece of my hair around his finger with a confidence that further proved how comfortable he was in his own skin. “Come upstairs, I wanna show you something.”

From our vantage point, I could see almost the entire first floor.  As he led me toward the stairs, I took in the casual dining room and huge modern kitchen. Upstairs, he led me down another hallway, then stopped at one of the open doors. I looked back at the stairs and noticed another set that led up to what I assumed was a third floor.

“So, I’m going to leave this up to you.” He leaned against the doorframe. “I can either drive you home later, or you can stay in one of my guest rooms tonight, and I’ll drop you off at work tomorrow night.” Man, his hopeful yet shy demeanor was so freaking sweet but could I take him up on his offer?

I gulped as I stepped into the bedroom. There was a huge window facing the beach, and it had an even better view than the first floor.  The dark ocean could be seen for miles. Once again, I was stunned. I couldn’t believe he was inviting me to stay for the night.  I’d never been in a place like this before, let alone slept in one.  I sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, feeling how comfy it was under my weight. Then with a sigh, I laid back. I couldn’t resist spreading my arms across the soft blanket.

I looked out the picturesque window. “So, my options are to either spend the night
in this beautiful house with an ocean view, in a bed that I could knock out in right now or to go back to my place?” I suddenly felt like Annie. Things like this just didn’t happen to girls like me.

Sure, I’d only known Holden for less than six months, but I didn’t want my fear to win out tonight. For some reason, I’d felt like I could trust him from the moment we’d met.

With a light laugh, I stretched out like a cat, trying not to purr while I enjoyed the luxurious feeling of the coziest bed I’d ever laid in. A hum vibrated in my throat. “It’s a difficult choice, but I think I’ll stay with you.”

Realizing how that sounded, I popped my eyes open and sat up quickly only to find him staring at me with a ravenous look as his chest heaved in and out. Drawing my knees up to my chest, I rephrased. “I mean, I’d like to stay here.  In this room. Tonight.”

He made a grunting sound, then took a deep breath. “Okay, good.” Swallowing hard, he looked out the window before meeting my eyes once more. “How about we get out of this room and go grab something to eat?” Without waiting for me, he strode to the door. “Let me grab a few sweatshirts since it’s cold outside. Meet me downstairs, and we’ll take off.” Then he was gone, and the only sounds I heard were his footsteps as he jogged up the other flight of stairs.

I laid back for a few more seconds, just taking in the luxury. A girl could easily get spoiled like this. And there was something about the way he always said ‘we’ that made me think about possibilities.  It wasn’t the word itself but the confident way he said it, like he and I were one. Together.

I’d never had that before. Maybe it was all in my head, but I decided to let go of all the insecurities that had been weighing me down and just enjoy this time with him. It could be nothing. I could be left hurt. I’d take it. It would be worth it.

What did I have to lose?

We strolled down the dimly lit, cement pathway that separated the beachfront homes from the sand.  As was usual for southern California, our little rain storm ended up being nothing more than an hour’s worth of a few sprinkles, but the crisp, cool air remained behind.

“Dinner was really good.” I peeked up at Holden, focusing on the sensation of his strong hand covering mine. It was such a simple thing but meant more to me than he could ever know. “Thanks for bringing me out here.”

The sound of the waves coming in and pulling away from the shore filled me with such peace.

His voice was tender as he looked at me. “I’ve wanted to bring you out here, away from everything, for a while now. I’m trying to pace myself though.”

The ginormous hooded sweatshirt he’d given me to wear engulfed my body as I tilted to give him my best curious smile. “What do you mean by,
pace yourself?”
Surprisingly, I didn’t feel weird about being here, holding his hand, maybe even heading toward something I’d never had.  A normal relationship.

He pulled me toward his body before moving the hood down. “You’ve got to know by now how I feel about you, Jules.”

I was surprised by his sudden seriousness and the passion in his eyes. “No, Holden.  I don’t.”

“Then let me spell it out for you.” He stepped closer, allowing me a moment to take a quick breath before his soft, warm lips touched mine. The sound of crashing waves continued to surround us as his mouth worked slowly against my lips.  It was by far the best kiss I’d ever had. Way too soon, his lips brushed across my mouth once more before he tenderly nipped my bottom lip and pulled away. My quick breaths were visible in the cool, wet air. There was no hiding how much I enjoyed his lips on mine.

Staring down at me, he chuckled. “So now you know. I don’t want you to feel rushed into anything.  That’s why I’ve been taking it slowly.”

I blinked a few times to gather myself as my head swirled with questions. What did this mean? I’d never had such a gentle moment with a guy before. The dirt bags I’d been with in the past always assumed they’d be getting a piece of ass after we made out, but Holden hadn’t demanded anything from me. And as scary as it was for me, he’d patiently waited until I lowered my walls before he made a move.

With a single kiss on the tip of my nose, he pulled me toward his front door.  Inside, he adjusted the lighting, giving off a more intimate ambiance, then he dropped his cell phone, keys, and wallet on a nearby table where a row of neatly framed pictures sat.  I’d noticed them earlier but had been drawn to the ocean view.

I picked up the first wooden frame and didn’t have to ask who the man and little boys were in the picture. “This has to be your dad. Dante looks exactly like him.” The resemblance between Dante and their father was remarkable. They had the same dark features, well defined, straight nose, sharp jawline, and cheekbones. The only difference was their eyes. Even as a child, Dante seemed to have an intensity in his while their father had a loving look on his face.

Holden glanced with an appreciative smile. “Yeah, Dante took after him, and I’ve heard I took after my mom.”

I set it down and picked up another of a little boy with bright blue eyes with a woman who had her lips pressed on his chubby cheek. “Is this her?”

“Yeah.” He reached for it and gazed longingly at the photo. “Her name was Nicholette.”

I rested the side of my face against his arm as I took in her smooth skin, long brown hair and the smile she was trying to hide as she kissed his cheek. “She’s beautiful.”

A sad expression covered his face. “I don’t really remember much about her, and this is one of the only pictures I have of us together.” His finger traced her face as he apprehensively added, “She was stabbed to death when I was three, and her murderer was never caught.”

I let out a loud gasp as my heart constricted.
Murdered?
Just the word brought back memories of Casey, but I shoved them away. It was a startling realization that I was not the only one trying to make a life with a huge void in my heart. Not just the murder part, but the growing up without a mom. I guess we all struggle to survive and forget others deal with the same emotions   

I never knew what became of my birth mother, but if the feelings of my foster sister’s death overwhelm me like they do, I can’t even imagine the pain Holden carries with him.  After bonding with his mom for three years, she’d been ripped away. And the killer was still out there. At least I could say Casey’s was rotting away in a prison cell.  

“My father always said I’m better off not knowing the details, but I once overheard him talking to someone on the phone about it.” He looked so vulnerable staring at the photo of him and his mom. I wanted to reach out to comfort him but stopped short when he said his next words. “I’ve always had a pretty vivid imagination and I’ve pictured flashes of how it might’ve happened based on Dad’s conversation.” His loud sigh filled the room. “To be honest, I’ve had plenty of nightmares, but you know how distorted dreams can be. Kind of like I’m looking between slats of wood. The images feel so real, but in my nightmares, there’s always another body lying beside her.”

He closed his eyes tight, his body tense with emotion.

Holy shit, this is heavy.  I guess we aren’t taking this thing between us slowly anymore.

The pain of my own past started to rise, but I pushed it aside, trying to ignore it. Holden needed me right now, but I didn’t know how to help. 

It took a moment for him to calm down as he opened his eyes and refocused on the picture. “Since Dante’s older than me, he remembers her, but his mother never painted a very good picture since my mom had been the other woman.”

“Hold on, you have different moms?” I instantly felt bad about letting him see my shock, so I placed my hand on his bicep and squeezed.

He put the picture down, looked at my hand, and smiled. “Yeah, Dad’s first wife was Dante’s mom.  From what I’ve been told, shortly after I was conceived, Dad filed for a divorce, and after I was born, he married my mom. I guess I never thought to mention it because Dante and I have never thought of each other as half-brothers.  For the most part, we were raised together and to this day, he spends as little time as possible with his mom. She’s not the nicest person, that’s for sure.”

I didn’t want him to see the surprise that was still lingering in my eyes, so I scanned the table until I noticed the next frame where the guys looked even younger.

In the last photo, Holden was wearing a cap and gown while his father stood next to him. I was drawn to this picture more than the other two. The look in Mr. Riley’s eyes here was much different. His arm was resting on Holden’s shoulder, and although he looked proud of his son, there was a lost, somewhat broken quality about his expression.  

Now that was a feeling I was familiar with.  I ran my index finger across his face, unable to remove my gaze. “He looks sad in this one.”

“Yeah, it used to bother me, but that’s been his usual demeanor for as long as I can remember. From what I understand, my mom was the love of his life, and he never got over losing her.  He walks through life now like a piece of him died with her.” At that, he seemed to be done sharing. He took a deep breath then strolled away. “Want a glass of wine?”

What I wanted was to hear more about his parents.  It was such a tragic story, but I wasn’t about to push him. He’d respected my boundaries, so it was time for me to respect his. “Sounds good.”

He returned with two glasses filled with burgundy liquid and an open bottle of wine tucked under his arm. “Would you rather sit here and talk or go up to my balcony?”

I accepted one of the glasses from him. “I didn’t see a balcony.” But I could imagine it in this place.

Appearing sheepish, he dipped his head. “It’s on the third floor. Connected to my bedroom.”

His bedroom? So I was going to his bedroom. Okay, I could do that. “I’d love to see the balcony.” This was headed in the exact direction I thought it would after that incredible kiss, but I was okay with that.  “Lead the way.” I motioned toward the stairs.

A confused look crossed his face before he took the first step.  I followed, enjoying the view of his fine ass right in front of me.  I could definitely think of worse things that I could be doing tonight.

As we rounded the corner to the next set of stairs, he looked back, interrupting me from my lustful thoughts. I was sure it was nothing new to him, but he snickered and shook his head. At the top, he flicked on a light, and my jaw dropped.  Besides a few doors to what I assumed were the closet and his bathroom, the entire third floor was his bedroom.

The very masculine room was decorated in dark blues and shades of brown and tan. The space was spotless, just like the rest of his house. Just like the gym.  Any other guys’ places I’d ever been in had always smelled like the motel and looked like pigsties.  

“What do you think?”

I took a quick sip of wine, giving the sweet, slightly acidic liquid a moment to slide down my throat. “It’s really clean.”

He smiled as he opened the French doors to the balcony. “That’s because I’ve been out of town, and my cleaning lady was here earlier today.”

Now that made sense.

We made our way onto the balcony. The view was even more spectacular from up here. Even with the hoodie on, I was really feeling the chill.  Staring out at the dark sea, I put my glass down and crossed my arms, attempting to warm myself up, but as a shiver raced down my spine, I wasn’t entirely sure it had anything to do with the weather. My insecurities were beginning to surface. I was wondering what Holden saw in me.  We lived completely different lives. Just standing on this balcony and taking in the view, something that was a daily experience for him felt like a fairytale come true for me, making this very clear.

Holden went inside and grabbed a blanket from his bed, then turned the light off before rejoining me. “Come here.” He sat and draped his legs over the sides of the lounge chair, making sure there was enough room for me.

I sat down tentatively, resting my back against his chest while he arranged the blanket so it covered both of us. I was tense at first but found myself letting go after a minute. Pushing my uncertainty to the side, at least for tonight, I gazed up and noticed how clear the sky was. “It’s beautiful out here.”

I felt him moving behind me as he reached for our glasses and handed mine over. “Yeah, it’s amazing how you can see so many stars without the city lights blinding you.” He clinked his wineglass with mine before we took a swig and placed our glasses down again.