Remember Me (24 page)

He prayed, in a whisper, ‘O Lord, please make Joe well again…if it be Thy will,’ he added, knowing that in all things he should submit to God’s will. That was the thing his mother had accused him of failing to do. He was deep in thought as he made his way back to the solitude of
his flat. There were times when he appreciated his privacy, but there were other times when he felt lonely, missing the companionship of family life.

His employer, Jonas Grundy, was saddened to hear what had happened to Joe, and he insisted that Dan should take time off each day to visit the hospital. There was no change in his brother the following day, nor the day after that. Dan prayed each night and morning; he prayed as he stood by Joe’s bedside, but it seemed that his prayers were to no avail. There was no change at all in Joe’s condition, and when Dan put his fingers to his brother’s wrist he could tell that the pulse was very weak. He feared that Joe was gradually losing his hold on life.

During his lunch break from the shop he went into the Church of the Sacred Heart, which he still attended each Sunday. As he had done twice before he lit a candle, one amongst many that were burning on the table to the side of the chancel, each of them signifying a plea to God to answer a heartfelt prayer, or to give thanks for blessings that had been received. Dan, alone now in the church, knelt at the chancel steps. He looked up at the crucifix with the bleeding figure of Christ; at the much more comforting statue of Mary, the mother of Jesus, in her blue robe; at the diffused light shining through the stained-glass windows; and at the altar, the symbol of sacrifice to Almighty God.

He recalled the sacrifice that Abraham had been
ready to make, of his beloved son, Isaac, and how God had intervened, just in time, with the ram caught in the thicket. He thought of the many sacrifices that had been made in Old Testament times, and then of the supreme sacrifice that Jesus Christ had made when he died on the cross, dying so that mankind might believe and live.

The words of his mother returned, involuntarily, to him. ‘You know what you must do, Daniel…’ And it seemed, at that moment, to be not such a tremendous sacrifice for him to make. He wanted so much for his brother – his little brother, Joe, whom he loved so dearly – to be made well again. But from the way he had looked that morning it seemed that there was little likelihood of that happening. Even the doctor had looked grim, shaking his head and refusing to comment when Dan had spoken to him.

‘Dear Father in heaven,’ he found himself saying, in his own simple words, not the ponderous words used in the Church litany. ‘I am sorry if I have grieved You by turning away from You. Please make my brother well again. I believe You are able to do this… And I promise that I will pledge my life once more to Your service. I will serve You and obey You all the days of my life…Amen.’

He rose from his knees in a daze. In those few moments he had not been thinking of Madeleine, only of his brother and the estrangement from his family. How he longed to be part of it again. A little
while later, however, as he returned to his duties at the shop, his thoughts returned to Madeleine. He loved her, there was no doubt in his mind about that, and he would always love her. But now, all he could do was to wait. He knew that he must continue to pray for his brother’s recovery, even though it might mean turning his back on what he had once thought was so precious to him.

He had decided not to visit the hospital during the evening. That was the time that his parents chose to visit and there was no point in upsetting his mother any further. But the reality of the situation had not quite dawned upon him yet. If God were to answer his prayer, then the bitterness between himself and his mother would soon be a thing of the past, that was if he honoured his promise to commit himself wholly, once again, to a life of service to the Lord.

Daniel was in a state of limbo. His future was uncertain; it all hinged on whether his brother would live or die. How he fervently hoped and prayed that Joe might live. But was there, also, that flicker of doubt in his mind? He could hear the voice of his conscience asking him if he had, perhaps, made his promise believing, deep down, that he might not have to fulfil it, half expecting that Joe might die?

He stayed away from the hospital the following day, nor did he visit the church during his lunch break as he had been doing whilst Joe was in
hospital. He performed his tasks, at the shop and at home, in a perfunctory manner. His thoughts were all over the place; he was finding it increasingly hard to concentrate or to focus his mind on one problem. All he could do was wait; the answer would be revealed to him in God’s good time.

Five days had passed since Joe’s accident. It was quite late on Saturday evening when he answered the knock at his door. He knew at once from the look on his father’s face that the news was good, or at least more hopeful.

‘He’s come round,’ said his father, giving him a hug. ‘Joe’s opened his eyes, just now, only half an hour ago when we were there, your mother and me. Mind you, I don’t suppose he’s out of the woods yet, but the doctor seems pleased. Isn’t that good news, eh, Dan?’

‘I’ll say it is,’ replied Dan. His answer came automatically, and the smile on his face showed his joy and relief that his brother was recovering. But his mind had not yet started to focus on the implications that would arise from this momentous turn of events.

‘Did he say anything?’ he asked. ‘I mean…his brain’s not been affected by the accident, has it?’ That was one thing that Dan had feared might have happened, if Joe should recover.

‘He said “Hello…” replied Thomas, and “Where am I?” So we told him, briefly, like, what had happened to him. He didn’t say much else, but he
knew who we were, right enough. So I don’t think there’s anything to worry about on that score.’

‘Well, that’s good then,’ said Dan. ‘I’ll go and see him tomorrow.’

‘I’ll not stop now, lad,’ said Thomas. ‘I’d best get back to your mother. I just had to come and tell you the news. Happen things might be sorted out between you and her now, eh?’

‘I hope so. It’s gone on far too long. Tell her…’ Dan hesitated, then he said, ‘No, on second thoughts don’t tell her anything. I’ll see her tomorrow. I’ll come round after morning Mass. In fact…I’ll come home to stay, if she’ll let me.’

‘Will you?’ Thomas’s eyes shone with happiness. ‘Eeh, that would be grand, son. I’m sure she’ll be ready to make her peace with you.’

‘We’ll see,’ said Dan evasively. ‘There’s a lot to consider…’

‘I won’t let on,’ said his father. ‘I’ll leave it to you to tell her yourself. Goodnight then, Daniel, and God bless.’

‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ said Dan.

As he knelt at the altar, receiving the sacrament from the priest, Dan knew that there could be no turning back. He had made his promise, not to any earthly being, but to Almighty God. Now, what must be, must be.

As he rose from his knees he was sure in his mind what he had to do. His heart might well be telling him something else, but he must try to subdue, now,
the feelings of his heart, however strong they might be.

When his mother opened the door her glance, at first, was wary. Then, as he smiled at her she could see that this was a different Dan, and she smiled at him in return.

‘I’ve come home, Mammy,’ he said. ‘That is…if you will have me.’

‘Of course I will,’ she answered, drawing him into a close embrace. ‘Oh, you have no idea how much I’ve prayed for this to happen. And now our Joe’s getting better. We’ll all be together again. Oh, thanks be to God and to all His saints…’

Chapter Nineteen

H
is mother did not ask him any questions about Madeleine or, indeed, about anything at all. She just seemed glad to have him back in the fold. For his part, Daniel felt a certain relief at being home again and knowing that the discord in the family was at an end. Or, at least, had been put to one side.

The three of them, plus Myrtle, Joe’s girlfriend, went to visit him in hospital after their midday meal on Sunday and were happy to find him very much improved. He was, as Anna put it, ‘sitting up and taking notice’, which was a very good sign. The doctor said that it was a minor miracle and that they were very pleased with his progress. He would need to stay in hospital for quite a while yet, but the signs were hopeful.

‘And our Daniel’s back home,’ Anna told her younger son. ‘Isn’t that good news?’

‘Aye, I reckon it is,’ said Joe, looking questioningly at his brother. ‘You’re back for good, are you, Dan?’

‘Yes…yes, I suppose I am,’ replied Dan, though he sounded a little unsure.

Joe smiled faintly. ‘I missed you… Everything’s all right then, now, is it…you know what I mean?’ he said quietly, half nodding towards his mother who had just moved away to speak to a nurse.

‘Yes…yes it is,’ said Dan, a trifle abruptly. ‘Don’t you worry your head about it, Joe. Just you concentrate on getting well again. You gave us all an awful fright.’

‘I can’t remember owt about it,’ said Joe. ‘All I know is that I woke up here with a headache and a broken arm. But I reckon I’m lucky to be alive, aren’t I?’

‘So you are,’ replied Dan, feeling his eyes growing moist. ‘Just look where you’re going in future, there’s a good lad.’

Dan was still in a quandary. He felt as though everything around him was strange and unreal. He remembered about the vow he had made when he lit his candle and knelt to pray, but that now seemed to be far removed from reality. It was an awesome promise that he had made, or, rather, renewed, he reminded himself. He knew he could not turn back; he could not renege on his commitment again. But neither did he intend rushing headlong into anything. There were things that had to be sorted out.

Christmas was approaching, and with it the time of his intended visit to Scarborough to see Madeleine. He wondered if he should still go…to say goodbye? It would be painful for both of them,
but maybe he owed it to her to explain, face to face, what had happened. But…no; reflecting on this he realised that it would be too much of a temptation. How could he possibly bear to part from her if he were to spend time with her again? It would be asking too much of both of them.

His mother seemed to be taking it for granted that he had ‘returned to his senses’, which is how he knew she would think of it, even if she did not utter the words. However, they did not speak about the situation for several days, and then only obliquely.

She asked him, tentatively, about his work at the shop. ‘You will be getting busy, I suppose, with Christmas coming? I’ll come in soon and choose a new shirt for your father and something nice for Joe. A pair of bedroom slippers perhaps? I expect it will be a while before he can go back to work. But he’ll be home in time for Christmas.’

Then, more pertinently, ‘Let me see… You work full-time for Mr Grundy now, don’t you? Are you going to keep on with that…or might you go back to working part-time again?’

‘I’m not sure, Mother,’ he replied.

‘And what about Father Fitzgerald? Will you be going back to your studies?’ She broached the subject, daringly, after his first week at home.

‘Quite possibly, Mother,’ he said. ‘But please don’t rush me.’ He looked at her unflinchingly. ‘I need to do some serious thinking. Maybe after Christmas… I may go back then.’

‘And what about Christmas?’ she asked, even more boldly. ‘Will you be going away…at all?’

‘No, Mother; I will be at home all the time,’ he answered resolutely.

‘Then praise be to God!’ She smiled lovingly at him, but there was a hint of self-satisfaction there, too. She paused for a moment, then she added, ‘It would never have worked out, Daniel, with that girl. I’m so pleased that you are beginning to realise that.’

He could not answer her. He turned away and retired to the solitude of his bedroom. What have I done? said a small voice in his mind. Dear God, whatever have I done? But there could be no turning back, not again. He opened his notepad and unscrewed the cap of his fountain pen. He knew it was time for him to write to Madeleine.

Maddy was getting more and more concerned as she had not heard from Dan for well over a week. She was relieved, therefore, to receive a letter from him on the Saturday morning, the day before they were due to leave Filey. She had written to him as soon as they arrived there, as she did at every move, to tell him her address. It was the third week in December and on the following day, Sunday, they would be moving on to Scarborough. They would stay there for two weeks, over Christmas and the New Year. Maddy was looking forward to being with her family again, and, above all, to having Dan to come and stay with them for a night
or two; they had not yet finalised the date.

She grew more and more anxious as she read the letter. She was shocked, first of all, to read of Joe’s accident and of how they had all feared at first that he might not recover. But he had done so and he was due home from the hospital in a few days’ time. But she was filled with misery again as she read that Dan would not be able to visit her in Scarborough. He could not possibly leave his family at such a time…which she supposed she could understand, although, at the same time she felt hurt by his decision. He had moved back home, he told her, and he had made up his quarrel with his mother. Maddy could understand that. Crises usually caused families to forget their differences.

When would he be coming to see her then? Her eyes anxiously scanned the final page, but there was no suggestion that he might do so. And – which was the most heartbreaking thing of all – he had not said that he loved her, or that he was looking forward to seeing her again.

Dan had been unable to find the words to tell Madeleine that he could never see her again. And so he had just written of how the situation was at that moment. A cowardly part of him hoped that she might begin to put two and two together. At least she would be in the bosom of her family at Christmas, and not alone; and she would be kept busy with the shows. Perhaps, in the New Year, he might have found the courage to tell her.

‘Is there something the matter?’ Susannah asked Maddy when they had returned to the bedroom they were sharing that week. She had noticed her young friend’s face blanch and her smile disappear as she read the letter handed to her at the breakfast table. She had guessed it was from Daniel, the young man who seemed to be conspicuous by his absence at the moment. Maddy had told her very little about the situation, but Susannah guessed that she might want to talk, right now.

‘Yes,’ replied Maddy briefly. ‘Here…read this.’

‘Oh no; I can’t do that,’ said Susannah. ‘I can’t read your private letter. It’s from Dan, isn’t it? Just tell me about it…if you want to, that is.’

‘No, read it,’ said Maddy again. ‘There’s nothing in it that nobody else could read. I want you to tell me what you think.’

‘All right then,’ said Susannah. ‘If you’re sure.’ She had had doubts right from the start about Maddy’s friendship with the said young man. She was a young girl in love, there was no doubt about that. He seemed a nice enough lad and the affection appeared to be mutual from what she had seen of them together. But there were so many problems, apart from the fact that they were able to see one another so rarely. He was a Catholic, and she knew that that oftentimes boded ill when someone of a different faith was involved. And that mother of his sounded a real harridan. It was doubtful that she would ever forgive Maddy for taking her son away
from his one-time commitment to his religion.

She read the letter, and understood how Maddy must be feeling. There was no word of love, no suggestion of another meeting, just the overriding concern about his brother – which was only natural, she supposed – and the news, which must have come as a blow to Maddy, that he was now home again, having made up his quarrel with his mother. She, Susannah, had a feeling that all was far from well, but she knew she must not be too pessimistic in what she said to Maddy.

‘He’s upset, love,’ she said. ‘He’s had a shock and it’s obvious that he’s very fond of his young brother. No doubt he feels that he shouldn’t leave his family over Christmas, especially now that they’ve come together again. I expect he’ll write again soon… You’ll just have to wait and see, won’t you?’

‘That’s all I can do,’ said Maddy. ‘That’s all I ever do with Dan, isn’t it? Wait and see. I’ve got a funny feeling about it, Susannah. A premonition – sort of – that I’m not going to see him again. He’s trying to let me down lightly, isn’t he?’

‘I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know what to think,’ said Susannah. ‘But you know him better than I do. I’m sure he’s a trustworthy young man and he’ll write again soon. And you can be sure he’ll be just as upset about this as you are.’

‘He seems to be happy with his family again,’ said Maddy, sounding far from joyful at the thought.

‘And tomorrow you’ll be with your family again,’ said Susannah. ‘That’s the best place to be, isn’t it, when you’re feeling sad?’ She gave her young friend a hug. ‘Try and cheer up, darling. You’ve lots of friends here, you know, in the company, and we won’t let you be miserable.’

‘No, I know that,’ said Maddy. ‘We have to learn to smile through our tears and all that, don’t we? To put a brave face on for the audience.’

‘Yes, try to look for the rainbow in the sky,’ replied Susannah. ‘That’s something my mother used to say when I was a little girl. The rainbow shines through the darkest clouds, that’s what she said, and it’s been a comfort to me many times.’

‘My heart leaps up when I behold a rainbow in the sky…’ said Maddy musingly. ‘Now, where did that come from? It was a poem we read at school, I seem to remember. I think it’s Wordsworth; my sister, Jessie, would know.’ She sighed. ‘What am I worrying about, anyway? He hasn’t said it’s all over between us, has he? Perhaps he’s just feeling a bit down in the dumps. But thanks for listening to my troubles, Susannah. I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

‘No, nor I without you,’ answered her friend, smiling at her fondly. ‘You’ve grown up a lot since you first joined us, Maddy, and I’m so glad we’re such good friends. Look, I’ll have to go now; I’m meeting Frank and we’re going for a last walk on the prom. Remember now, Maddy; keep on smiling.’

‘I’ll try,’ said Maddy.

Poor kid, thought Susannah. Things did not look too good, but she was young; she would get over it. It was a true example of ‘first love’. She doubted that it had even been consummated. No…knowing Maddy, and the religious scruples of that young man, she felt sure it would not have been.

But maybe, now, there might be a chance for that nice Freddie Nicholls. Susannah knew that he was still sweet on Maddy, although he was trying hard not to let his feelings show. But there was not much that went on in the company that Susannah Brown did not know about.

The Melody Makers were performing for two weeks at the Spa Pavilion in Scarborough. It was quite a prestigious booking, as Percy Morgan and his troupe of Pierrots were already very well known in the town. Maddy was pleased about the venue as the Spa was situated, on the lower promenade, quite near to Victoria Avenue, where her family lived. It was only a few minutes’ walk to the theatre for each evening performance, and the more frequent matinées, which were put on so that the children of the town could attend. For these afternoon shows the troupe, at Percy’s request, dressed in their Pierrot costumes for the finale. They encouraged the audience to join in with the singing, thus giving them a foretaste of the summer that was to follow, when Uncle Percy’s Pierrots would be back, as usual, to entertain them.

Christmas Day fell on a Wednesday, a welcome respite in the middle of the week from the hurly-burly of the theatre. There was, of course, no show that day, but they would be back with a vengeance on Boxing Day, with both a matinée and an evening performance.

There were eleven of them seated around the dining table at midday to enjoy the dinner that Mrs Baker had prepared for them; with a little help from the ladies – Faith, Maddy, Jessie and Hetty – who assisted with the setting of the table and the placing of the crackers and decorations. Mrs Baker had been up since early morning in order to give the giant-sized turkey time to cook to a crackly brown perfection; and to see to the vegetables, many of which she had partly prepared the previous day; the apple sauce and sage and onion stuffing; and the succulent fruit pudding, laced with brandy, which would take more than two hours to steam. After all that had been cleared away and the pots washed – again with a little help from the womenfolk of the family – Mrs Baker would then be free to spend the rest of the day with her brother and his family, who lived over on the North Bay.

The party consisted of Faith and William; Maddy, Jessie and the twins; Grandfather Isaac; Patrick and his fiancée, Katy; Hetty; and Louisa Montague, an old family friend. The only member of the family who was missing was Samuel, and Faith, as was only to be expected, commented on his absence.