Remembrance (40 page)

“Mrs. Arbus,” the doctor said, looking at her kindly, “I don't think your nerves are the problem.”

“They're not?” Could it be serious, then?

“You're pregnant.”

“Oh, my God.” She hadn't even thought of that.

That night she sat looking distracted and unhappy, staring into the fire in their den. Vasili was home and he was strangely subdued, but she didn't want to tell him. Abortions weren't totally impossible in London, and she hadn't decided what should be done.

“Tired?” He had been trying for half an hour to strike up a conversation, and she only nodded.

“Yes.” She still wouldn't look at him, and at last he came and sat next to her and touched her arm.

“Serena, it's been awful, hasn't it?”

She turned huge sad eyes up to his and nodded. “Yes, it has. I don't understand it. It's as though you're not yourself.”

“I'm not.” It was as though he knew something she didn't. “But I'll change that. I promise. I'll stay here with you and Vanessa until Christmas, and then I'll go somewhere and straighten out. I swear.” His eyes were as sad as hers.

“Vasili …” Serena looked at him hauntingly. “What happened? I don't understand.”

“You don't need to understand. It's something that never has to be a part of your life.” She wanted to ask him then if it was drugs but she didn't dare. “I'll take care of it, and I'll be the man you met in New York.” He nuzzled her neck gently and she wanted to believe him. She had missed him so much and she had been so frightened. “Do you want to do something special for Christmas?” She shook her head. He hadn't even been aware enough to notice how ill she was feeling.

“Why don't we just stay home?”

“What about Vanessa?”

“I've already got something planned for her.”

“What about us? Do you want to go to some parties?”

She shook her head, disinterested, withdrawn, unhappy, and it killed him to see her like that. “Serena, darling … please … everything will be all right.” She looked at him then, more confused than ever. He was so loving, so gentle, so understanding. How could he turn into that other man? “Why don't we go to bed? You look exhausted.”

She sighed softly. “I am.” But after he thought she was asleep, he was in the bathroom for hours, and when she got up again to go to the bathroom once he had finally come out of it, she walked in and let out a scream. On the sink, next to a blood-stained ball of cotton, lay a hypodermic needle, a match, and a spoon. “Oh, my God!” She wasn't even sure what she was seeing, but she knew that it was something awful, and little by little, as she stood there, the light dawned. She remembered what Teddy had told her about Vasili's last wife … heroin … and suddenly knew that that was what she was seeing.

And suddenly she sensed also that he was standing right behind her, she could almost hear him breathing, and when she turned around, he was leaning against the wall, almost falling, his eyelids drooping, with a look of pallor that made him look as though he were about to die. Terrified, she began to whimper and shrank from him, as he lurched toward her, muttering at her about what the hell was she doing, snooping. Terrified, she ran out of the room.

42

The morning of Christmas Eve Serena sat across the dining table from Vasili, and with a pale face and shaking hands she set down her cup. They were alone in the dining room and the doors were closed. Vasili looked as though he had been embalmed only that morning, and he did not attempt to meet her eyes.

“I want you to know that I'm going back to the States the day after Christmas. I'd leave tonight, except that it would upset Vanessa. Just stay away from me until I go, and everything will be fine.”

“I understand perfectly.” He actually hung his head in shame, and she wanted to hit him for what he had done, for what he was doing, to himself as well as to her. She couldn't even think of what was happening in her own body. She hadn't had time to think of it all day. She'd have to make arrangements for an abortion when she got back to New York, maybe Teddy would even help her, but she didn't want to waste time here. She just wanted to go home.

She got up from the table then, and suddenly, as she walked toward the door, the whole room spun around her, and a moment later she awoke lying on the floor. Vasili was kneeling beside her, looking at her in terror, shouting at the maid for a damp cloth to put on her head. “Serena! … Serena! … oh, Serena …” He was crying as he knelt beside her and Serena felt tears spring to her own eyes as well. She wanted to reach up and hold her arms out to him, but she couldn't do it. She had to be strong. She had to leave him, and leave London, and get rid of their child. “Oh, my darling, what happened? I'll call the doctor.”

“Don't!” Her voice was still weak and the room spun as she shook her head. “I'm all right.” It was a whisper. “I'll get up in a minute.” But when she did, she looked sicker than he.

“Are you ill?” he asked her in despair, wondering if he had done that to her, but she only shook her head.

“No, I'm not.”

“But it's not normal to faint like that.”

She looked at him unhappily as she stood in the doorway at last. “What's been happening around here isn't normal either. Or maybe you hadn't thought of that.”

“I told you last night I would stop it. Day after tomorrow I'm going into the hospital for a few days, and then I'll be myself again.”

“For how long?” she shouted at him. “How often has this happened before? Is that how your wife died? Were you both shooting up drugs and she overdid it?” Her voice trembled and tears poured down her face.

But now he began to cry too as he spoke in an agonized whisper. “Yes, Serena … yes … yes! … I tried to save her, but I couldn't. It was too late.” He closed his eyes then, as though he couldn't bear the thought.

“You make me sick. Is that what you expect from me? To find a friend you could use drugs with?” She shook as she shouted at him, and neither of them saw Vanessa come down the stairs. “Well, I won't. Do you hear me? And I won't stay married to you either. I'm going back to New York and the minute I get there I'm having an abortion and—” She stopped, realizing what she had just said. And he came instantly toward her.

“What did you say?” He grabbed her shoulders, his eyes wide.

“Nothing, dammit… nothing!” She slammed the door to the dining room behind her and ran toward the stairs where she found Vanessa crying softly. Vasili was upon them a moment later, and the three of them sat on the stairs in tears. It was a grim scene, for which Serena hated both herself and Vasili. Vasili apologized again and again for what he had done to both of them, Serena clung to Vanessa, and Vanessa screamed at Vasili that he was killing her mother. It seemed a hopeless tangle, and at last it was Vasili who led them both upstairs. Nothing more was said about the baby. But when at last Vasili was alone with Serena again, after they had left Vanessa calmer with the maid, he asked her if what she had said was true.

“So you're pregnant?” She nodded and turned away. He came to her slowly then and touched her shoulders with his hands as he stood behind her. “I want you—no, I
beg
you to keep my child, Serena … please … give me a chance … I will be clean again in a few days. It will be as it was before. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the adjustment between us, the responsibility of pleasing Vanessa, I went crazy for a little while. But I'll stop it. I swear it. Please—” His voice cracked and she turned around to see her husband dissolved in tears. “Don't kill my baby … please.…” Even Serena couldn't resist him, and she opened her arms and held him close.

“How could you have done it, Vasili? How could you?”

“It won't happen again. If you want, I'll go into the hospital tonight. I won't even wait until after Christmas. I'll go now.”

She looked at him strangely and nodded. “Do it. Do it right away.” He called the hospital ten minutes later, and she drove him there within the hour. She kissed him good-bye in the lobby and he promised to call her that night. When she left him, she drove directly home and climbed into her bed, and Teddy called her half an hour later, allegedly to wish them both a merry Christmas, but a few minutes later he asked if everything was all right. She had to fight to control her voice as she spoke to him, and she said nothing about coming home. But when she handed the phone to Vanessa, the child cried so hard that she almost couldn't speak. Serena sent her back to her room a few minutes later and Teddy confronted her then.

“Are you going to tell me what's going on there, or do I have to come over to see for myself?” The thought of confessing her mistake to Teddy made her cringe, but she was too unhappy to fool him, and in a rush of tears she told him what was going on. “Oh, my God. You've got to get out.”

“But that's not fair. He just went into the hospital for detoxification. Maybe I owe it to him to give him a chance. He says he'll be himself again when he comes out.”

“That's not saying much.”

Serena wiped away her tears and sniffed. “That's a rotten thing to say.”

“He's a rotten man. Face it, dammit. You've made a terrible mistake. And you can't drag Vanessa through this, or yourself.”

“But what if he comes back from the hospital all right?” And now she was having his baby. She began to cry again, thinking of all the problems and decisions she had on her hands. “Oh, Teddy … I don't know what to do.”

“Come home.” He had never sounded as firm before. “I mean it. Get your ass on a plane tomorrow and come back to New York. You can stay with me.”

“I can't leave now. He's my husband. It's not right.” All her torment and conflict surfaced at once and she resisted Teddy's suggestion with all her might.

“Then send Vanessa until you're sure he's cleaned up.”

“And be away from her at Christmas?” Serena started to cry again.

“Oh, for God's sake, Serena, what in God's name is happening over there … what's happening to you?” She felt crazier than Vasili as she tried to answer his question.

“I'm so unhappy and frightened, I can't think straight.”

“That much I know.”

But the rest he didn't. “I'm pregnant.”

He whistled softly. “Holy shit.” And then after a thoughtful pause, “Look, get some rest. I'll call you tomorrow.” But the next day when he did, all hell had broken loose in New York. Someone at the hospital where Vasili was detoxing had fed that little item to the press, and it had gone over the AP wires before morning, appearing in a small but nasty news article in the States. Margaret's clipping service had sent the article over by messenger. She was furious and at the same time almost victorious.

“It's not bad enough that she uses our name to flaunt herself all over New York, now she's married to that miserable café-society junkie. For God's sake, Teddy, what next?” She had called him at eight o'clock in the morning. “Do you still speak to that woman?”

“I called her last night.”

“I don't understand you.”

“Look, dammit, she's my sister-in-law. And she's having a rough time.” But this time even he was having difficulty defending her. She had made a poor choice. It wasn't her fault, of course, but the press was not inclined to be kind, and the little piece was certainly an embarrassment to the family and to Vanessa, which was more important. For once his mother was right. About Vasili, if not his wife.

“She deserves a rough time. And may I remind you that she is not your sister-in-law. Your brother is dead. And she is married to that trash.”

“Why did you call me, Mother?” There was nothing else to say. He didn't want to defend Vasili, and he didn't want to discuss Serena with her.

“I wanted to know if you'd seen the item. As usual, I've been proven right.”

“If you mean that you're right in your opinion of Vasili Arbus, I completely agree. As for Serena, let's not discuss it. You haven't made sense on that issue in years.”

“I'm amazed you manage to keep any patients, Teddy. I think you're demented. On that subject at least. She must be quite spellbinding, judging by you and your brother.”

“Is there anything else?”

“No, except that you can tell her that if anyone ever uses our name in relation to her, to describe her, or her previous unfortunate alliance to my son, I will indeed sue her. That witch Dorothea Kerr no longer enters into it. I assume, “The Princess' “—her voice was scathing—”is retired.”

“For the moment.”

“I suppose whores can always take their trade up again.” At that he hung up on her, and called Serena. It was early afternoon in London and she sounded better than she had the night before. She had spent the whole morning calming Vanessa, and she said that when she spoke to Vasili at the hospital, he sounded a little more himself.

“Then you're not coming home?” Teddy sounded agonized at his end.

“Not yet.”

“Keep me posted at least and if I don't hear from you, I'll call back in a few days.” After the call Serena went back to Vanessa's room, to hear another diatribe about Vasili. It had been an excruciating few days.

“I hate him. I wish you had married Teddy, or Andreas.” She remembered Vasili's brother in Athens.

“I'm sorry you feel that way, Vanessa.” Serena's eyes filled with tears again. She was always being pulled between them, and Vanessa was looking at her strangely now.

“Are you really having a baby?”

Serena nodded. “Yes, I am.” That was going to be a problem too. Nothing was easy anymore. It was hard even to remember when it had been. “Does that upset you very much?”

Vanessa thought about it for a minute and then looked at her mother. “Couldn't we just leave and take it back with us to the States?” It was what Serena had thought of doing, but then she would have had an abortion.

“It's Vasili's baby too,” she said gently.

“Does it have to be? Couldn't it just be ours?”

Slowly Serena shook her head. “No, it couldn't.”