Reviving Ophelia (29 page)

In all the years I’ve been a therapist, I’ve yet to meet one girl who likes her body. Girls as skinny as chopsticks complain that their thighs are flabby or their stomachs puff out. And not only do girls dislike their bodies, they often loathe their fat. They have been culturally conditioned to hate their bodies, which are after all themselves. When I speak to classes, I ask any woman in the audience who feels good about her body to come up afterward. I want to hear about her success experience. I have yet to have a woman come up.

Unfortunately girls are not irrational to worry about their bodies. Looks do matter. Girls who are chubby or plain miss much of the American dream. The social desirability research in psychology documents our prejudices against the unattractive, particularly the obese, who are the social lepers of our culture. A recent study found that 11 percent of Americans would abort a fetus if they were told it had a tendency to obesity. By age five, children select pictures of thin people when asked to identify good-looking others. Elementary school children have more negative attitudes toward the obese than toward bullies, the handicapped or children of different races. Teachers underestimate the intelligence of the obese and overestimate the intelligence of the slender. Obese students are less likely to be granted scholarships.

Girls are terrified of being fat, as well they should be. Being fat means being left out, scorned and vilified. Girls hear the remarks made about heavy girls in the halls of their schools. No one feels thin enough. Because of guilt and shame about their bodies, young women are constantly on the defensive. Young women with eating disorders are not all that different from their peers. It’s a matter of degree. Almost all adolescent girls feel fat, worry about their weight, diet and feel guilty when they eat. In fact, the girls with eating disorders are often the girls who have bought the cultural messages about women and attractiveness hook, line and scales. To conform they are willing to make themselves sick.

Particularly in the 1980s and 1990s, there’s been an explosion of girls with eating disorders. When I speak at high schools, girls surround me with confessions about their eating disorders. When I speak at colleges, I ask if any of the students have friends with eating disorders. Everyone’s hand goes up. Studies report that on any given day in America, half our teenage girls are dieting and that one in five young women has an eating disorder. Eating disorders are not currently the media-featured problem they were in the 1980s, but incidence rates are not going down. Eight million women have eating disorders in America.

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL-IF OPHELIA WERE ALIVE TODAY

As her mother talked, Tracy, who sat as far away from her mother as was possible in my small office, opened her mouth in mock disbelief. Wendy ignored Tracy’s histrionics as she explained that Tracy had skipped school, cheated on tests and yelled at her teachers. Recently she had been expelled because the principal found a bottle of schnapps in her book bag.

“We can’t believe this is happening to our daughter,” Wendy said. “Maybe it’s her liberal school. We don’t know what to do.”

Tracy said, “You can stay out of my life.”

“We took Tracy to our minister, but he said she needed professional help. He thinks she might be an alcoholic.”

Tracy tossed her head in disdain. “I just hate our family, that’s all.”

“We can’t control her,” Wendy continued. “She slips out at night. We’ve found cigarettes in her dresser. She’s so moody and irritable that we don’t know what to say to her. We’re worried about her future.”

“That’s your problem, Mom,” Tracy said. “You’re always talking about my future and you don’t care about my happiness now.”

Wendy protested weakly and Tracy said, “Bug off. Why can’t you be like normal parents and let me do what I want?”

I handed Tracy money to go next door and buy lemonades. After she left, the room seemed calmer and quieter. Wendy told me that she and her husband both came from homes with alcoholics. They were determined to have a different kind of family than the ones they remembered. They attended a fundamentalist church and said daily prayers and grace at every meal. They searched the children’s rooms once a month and monitored their phone calls and mail. Bedtimes were at nine and rigidly enforced. They allowed Tracy to listen to only Christian rock and roll. Television was carefully supervised.

Wendy and Ned had studied many books on Christian parenting. They believed in “spare the rod and spoil the child.” But they had stopped spanking Tracy when she was ten and, since then, they hadn’t known how to control her. “Ned thinks we should still spank her,” she confided. “But I think she’s too old for that.”

I agreed wholeheartedly.

Wendy said, “All I learned about parenting from my own mother was what not to do.” She talked some about her life as a child. Her own mother was unmarried and alcoholic. Wendy remembered being hungry as a child and picking her clothes from church charity baskets. The other kids in town were not allowed to play at her family’s trailer. Wendy and her sisters grew like weeds, unsupervised and out of control. “Most of the time Mom couldn’t have cared less what I was doing, but when she did notice, I was in deep trouble,” Wendy continued. “She called me every name in the book. Once she hit me with a two-by-four. Another time she scalded my head when she washed my hair.”

She paused. “With the help of God, I’ve forgiven her, but I’ve promised myself I’ll never be like her.” I congratulated her on giving her daughter many things she hadn’t had—sober parents, love and consistent messages about her behavior.

Wendy asked, “So why does Tracy resent me? I only want what’s best for her.”

“What are you most worried about?”

“I’m afraid she’ll be an alcoholic.”

Because of the family histories of alcoholism, Tracy was at risk. But I thought that right now the drinking was only part of a larger issue, which was how this family could protect their daughter and allow her to grow. Tracy was furious at the intrusion and controls. Wendy and Ned showed their love by discipline and surveillance, ways unlikely to win the affection of any teenager. Their parenting policies weren’t flexible and made few allowances for growth and autonomy. Clearly Tracy was testing the limits of the system.

Tracy walked in with our lemonades and I asked Wendy to leave us alone.

Tracy tried hard to act sullen and hard-core, but she was young and not very good at it yet. Within about two minutes I had her smiling. But when I asked her what she wanted to talk about, she turned gloomy. “I hate my mother. She’s always in my face. She wants to control my life. She listens in on my calls and reads my diary.”

I asked about her dad. She told me that he preferred her brother, whom he took fishing and hunting. However, she didn’t mind their outings because when her father was around, he was mad at her. She said, “Both of them drive me crazy. They are the nosiest parents in the world. Can’t you just tell them to get off my case?”

I empathized with her need for more privacy and independence and promised that in family therapy we would talk about her rights as a teenager. But I also felt it was important that Tracy hear that I respected her mother. I said, “It sounds like your mom has tried to give you many things she didn’t have as a girl.”

“I’m sick of hearing Mom’s sob stories. Grandma isn’t that bad.” She sighed. “I’d rather live with her than my parents. At least she doesn’t watch me like a hawk and read my mail.”

We talked about alcohol and drugs. Tracy drank only with her friends, usually on weekends. She liked the kids who drank—they were wild and fun, not “uptight goody-goodies” like the girls her mom preferred. When she was drunk, she laughed more and wasn’t so self-conscious with boys. She knew several kids who drank more than she did. She tried marijuana, but it made her paranoid. When she was on a diet, she took caffeine and amphetamines.

We talked about her fights at school. “Something inside me just tells me to be bad. Afterwards, I’m sorry, but nobody believes me.” Tracy continued, “I want to explode sometimes. Drinking calms me down.”

I wondered about all this anger. It could be a reaction to her parents’ efforts to control her life and their unrealistic rules for a girl her age. Or it could be related to something else. Once Tracy trusted me, I would ask more about it.

I called Wendy back in and recommended family therapy. I told Wendy that I didn’t think Tracy was an alcoholic. Her use of alcohol was pretty typical of kids her age. But because of both her genetic background and her anger at the family, Tracy was at risk of developing alcohol problems.

I thought that Tracy might settle down if Wendy and Ned changed their parenting style. They were relying on rules to keep Tracy safe. But rules, in the absence of loving relationships, inspire rebellion in adolescents. Relationships are what hold girls’ lives in place.

Wendy and Ned had reacted to their families of origin by rigidly structuring their own children’s lives. This was catching up with them. Tracy wasn’t just rebelling against their overly strict rules, but also against their perfectly reasonable ones. These parents were so eager to protect Tracy that they gave her no personal space. I would encourage them to stop reading Tracy’s diary and listening to her calls, and I would negotiate for a later bedtime.

Most likely Tracy had concerns that she wasn’t discussing with her parents. Maybe if she talked about her life she would have less need for self-prescribed anxiety medication. Right now Tracy saw alcohol as a way to meet some of her very understandable needs—to feel comfortable with boys and to relax and laugh. I wanted to educate her on responsible drinking and the signs of problem drinking.

Tracy was at risk of developing the identity of a delinquent. She desperately needed something to feel proud of besides her ability to get in trouble. I wanted to help Tracy channel all her rebellious energy into activities that thrilled her but wouldn’t get her hurt. Maybe she would like acting—that’s pretty scary—or fencing.

 

Over the last few decades many more teenagers have been using alcohol and drugs. Teenagers use chemicals for a variety of reasons: biological predispositions, psychological problems, social pressure and familial factors. Some of the reasons have to do with complicated psychological processes, and other reasons are as simple as availability. Often the community determines the chemical most likely to be used. A girl who lives in the New Haven ghetto surrounded by drug users is more likely to become a drug addict than a girl growing up in a small Nebraska community.

Alcohol is the drug of choice of most teens. It’s cheap, powerful and sold everywhere. But drugs are much more available than most parents suspect. Most kids have been offered drugs by the time they are in seventh grade. By eighth grade, most kids know kids on drugs.

Even my rural state has problems. The interstate that dissects our state is a national conduit for drugs, and the small communities along 1-80 have drug problems. Teenagers from towns like Alvo (population 144) and Aurora (population 3,717) come to my office with drug habits that once could be found only in cities. As one of these girls put it, “The drug business at my school is major.”

I want to emphasize that not all drug and alcohol use is pathological. Healthy, reasonably well-adjusted teenagers use drugs and alcohol. Some experimentation is normal. Drinking at parties is widespread and not necessarily a sign of anything except a desire to fit in and do what others do. It’s important not to label all drug and alcohol use in teenagers as addiction. The labeling process can do harm. Rather, kids and adults need guidelines for what is normal experimentation and what is self-destructive use.

Research on adolescents shows three basic motives for chemical use. The first is for expanded awareness, or the desire to increase sensitivity and insight. The second is for thrill seeking and new experiences with peers; and the third is for the drug effect—that is, to get high. All of these reasons have in common the desire to achieve an altered state of consciousness. Of course, thrill seeking can be dangerous. Using chemicals for effect can also lead to dependency.

Chemical use as a coping strategy is tremendously appealing to teenage girls, who are often confused, depressed and anxious. Alcohol and marijuana are popular because they offer teenage girls a quick, foolproof way to feel good. Caffeine and amphetamines help girls avoid hunger and eat less. (Losing weight is probably the most common goal of girls this age.) Plus, chemical use often enhances status with friends.

How do we know when alcohol or drug use is a problem? Heredity cannot be overemphasized. Thirty percent of the children of alcoholic parents become alcoholic. Girls from families with serious problems are certainly more at risk than girls who come from healthier families. But I don’t want to overstate this. Teenage girls from well-adjusted families sometimes develop serious problems with chemicals. Peers play a role. In general, kids whose friends are heavy users are more likely to use, while kids whose friends abstain are more likely to abstain.

Certain patterns, such as drinking to escape reality or drinking to get wasted, are more dangerous than others. I worry about girls who drink more than their friends or who drink regularly. Drinking alone or being secretive about drugs and alcohol are bad patterns. But each case must be evaluated separately. Often drug and alcohol use are symptoms of other problems.

Particularly with teenage girls, it’s important to try to understand the context in which chemical use occurs. So much is happening at this time. Often heavy chemical use is a red flag that points to other issues, such as despair, social anxiety, problems with friends or family, pressure to achieve, negative sexual experiences or difficulty finding a positive identity. The stories in this chapter attempt to show how chemical use is tangled up with all other aspects of adolescent girls’ experiences. The girls use alcohol or drugs for different reasons, and the response to their use must be tailored to each unique situation.