Ricochet (10 page)

Every day I waited for Claire to pop
back into our lives. Every time Cash went out with friends from work, I was
terrified he was actually with her. That we had reached that level of monotony
over the past few months that she warned me about. We definitely had the “what
do you want to do for dinner, I don’t care whatever you want, well fuck I don’t
care either just pick something,” conversation at least two nights a week. As
soon as I noticed it, I immediately started being the decisive one when it came
to our culinary indulgences. I don’t give a fuck if I was so sick of pad thai
that I was having nightmares about it, I was still going to insist it was what
I wanted if it was the first thing that came to mind. I’m not letting Claire
win.

Cash
and I started practically living together. I still maintained my apartment
because I didn’t want to break my lease, and because I liked having my own
space to retreat to when I needed it. Sometimes I just need to get into my own
head. The leaves were changing colors, and the air was getting crisp. Come
October, I was madly, deeply in love with Cash. The evening rays of the sun
filtering through the dusty autumn air on my drive home from work were the same
color as his eyes. Gag, right? That’s what love does to you. You start thinking
in poetry. We were back to spending most nights together, and aside from
awkwardly running into Madison while we were out to dinner; there’s been no
more bullshit. We had just been seated and were teasing each other about awkward
couples Halloween costumes when our server introduced herself.

“Hey
guys I’m Maddie and I’ll be your… Holy shit! Cash! Hey! How are you!” she
exclaimed, pulling Cash into an awkward hug.

“You’re
a fucking waitress now?” Cash scoffed.

“Just
evenings and a couple weekends a month, I got a DUI so, kind fucked shit up for
me, ya know, financially,” she explained. Cash raised his eyebrows
judgmentally. I kicked him under the table. He glared at me.

“So
are you guys ready to order or-“

“We
need a few minutes,” I interrupted, smiling.

“Okay,
great! So nice to see you Cash. We need to get together! Catch up,” she smiled.

“That’s
not going to happen, Madison,” he said sternly. I kicked him again.

“Okay,
well just holler when you guys are ready,” she mumbled. When she was out of
earshot, I laid into Cash.

“What
the fuck is wrong with you? Just smile and fucking nod. You don’t insult the
wait staff. That’s how you end up with pasta prima pubic hair,” I scolded.

“Chicken
con cockjuice,” he smiled.

“It’s
not funny. Seriously. Don’t be a dick; we have to go somewhere else now. She’s
going to spit in our food,” I cautioned. He agreed. I caught Madison’s eye as
we left the restaurant. She looked disappointed. I wondered how things were
going for her and Yoga Pants.

“Really
hope that’s my last interaction with women you’ve been inside of. Watching them
fawn over you is really gross,” I teased as we walked back to the car.

“Yeah,
I hope so too. You act like it’s my fault. I didn’t know she worked here. She
was a damn paralegal when we dated,” he said, shaking his head.
 
Madison was not what I had expected. I
expected another girl like Claire. Madison was beautiful, but she didn’t have
the presence I expected her to have. She looked like a kindergarten teacher.
She didn’t make me nervous. I felt like I made her nervous.
 
I’d built her up into this ethereal
goddess, and for once, I was relieved. I wasn’t worried that Cash was going to
have a change of heart and decide to meet her for drinks to ‘catch up.’ It was
nice to have faith in him for once.

We
didn’t feel like waiting for a table at another restaurant. Cash ran through
the drive through on the way back to the complex. Once there, he parked the car
and popped the trunk.

“What
are you doing?” I asked.

“Let’s
do down to the beach,” he suggested, throwing a blanket over his shoulder. I
followed him down to the edge of the water. He spread the blanket out on the
rocky sand. I sat down next to him and dug into my cheeseburger. It was kind of
cold outside, but it felt fresh and clean. Like the chill of fall had sanitized
the stale air of summer. Cash stared out over the lake.

“Are
you okay?” I asked, reaching out to stroke his shoulder.

“Yeah,
I just hate fucking running into her. I’m sorry,” he said, turning to look at
me.

“Why
are you still thinking about it? She’s obviously like, not doing that great at
life. Laugh on the inside at her misery and move on like the rest of us,” I
offered.

“I’m
trying,” he sighed, pulling me into a kiss. I pulled away.

“What
are you feeling? Is she going to be a problem?” I asked.

“No.
Jesus. Absolutely not,” he replied.

“Good.
I’ll cut a bitch,” I teased, climbing into his lap. It was dark on the beach;
the only light was from the moon and the screens of our cellphones. He laid
back, pulling me with him. I reached down the waistband of his pants.

“Fuck,
your hands are cold,” he laughed. I stood up and pulled off one leg of my jeans
while he fumbled with the button on his pants. I pushed my panties to the side
and let him slide inside of me as I lowered myself back onto him. His
fingertips felt like they were burning my exposed skin as he helped me rock my
hips. I let the top half of my body fall into his, and he moved his hands to my
shoulders to guide my motions. I came gently and quietly. He rolled us over,
throwing my leg over his shoulder, supporting himself with his other arm. I
stroked his face and whispered his name. I felt him pulse as he came. He
collapsed into me.

“We
probably shouldn’t stay here like this, what if someone saw us?” I cautioned.

“Yeah,
let’s go inside,” he agreed. We pulled our clothes back into place and headed
back to the building. Mark that off my bucket list. Sex on a beach. Boom. Done.

The
next few months flew buy. When you’re an activities coordinator, October,
November, and December all blur together into Hallogivingmas. It’s a whirlwind
of trick or treat events and costume contests and decorating bullshit and meals
and family days. It was now December, and I was desperate for an excuse to get
out of going home with Cash for Christmas to meet his family. It’s not that I
don’t want to meet his family; I just think that meeting family for the first
time on a major national holiday puts way to much pressure on the relationship
to be successful. You bring this person into their lives and they feed them and
house them for the weekend and they expect them to be there forever. Then there
is all this disappointment and awkwardness when they aren’t with you the next
time you go home. “Oh, what happened to that nice boy, the veterinary
assistant? Why can’t you keep a boyfriend, Lilly? Are you a lesbian?” I might
have holiday PTSD. I had already dodged Thanksgiving because Regan and I have a
long-standing tradition of getting black out drunk and burning a turducken. He
tried to talk me into coming to his mom’s with him. It was only a four-hour
drive. “But babe… Our turducken.” I could probably just be honest. Yo dude, I
don’t want to do that yet. Let’s wait until there’s not intimate family only
shit going on. I usually go see my parents for Christmas, and I really didn’t
want to skip that fun backhanded compliment marathon, either. They retired to
Florida after my sister left for college. He probably wouldn’t want to pay for
that plane ticket, anyway.

Tuesday
afternoon, I walked in the door after work to find Cash on the couch, scrolling
on his laptop.

“Hey
babe, glad you’re home. Who’s parents are we going to for Christmas? I’m
looking at airfare and if we’re going to yours we probably need to buy now. We
probably need to buy like two months ago, actually,” he said.

“Yeah,
I kind of don’t want you to meet my parents yet. They’re kind of exhausting, I
don’t think I’m ready for that,” I cringed.

“Not
ready for that? Ouch. We’ve been together for nine months, Lilly,” Cash
replied, with a twinge of hurt.

“You
cannot count from the first time we fucked,” I teased.

“Sure
I can,” he quipped back.

“Not
that I’m not like, not taking our relationship seriously. I just don’t… I don’t
know. I don’t like introducing guys to my parents. They think I should be
married and have three kids by now, and I don’t want to get their hopes up,” I
laughed.

“Then
let’s go to my mom’s,” he suggested, shutting his laptop.

“Well,
I kind of don’t want to do that either. And I kind of already have my ticket
for Florida,” I admitted.

“That’s
fucked up. So you’ll shave your legs with my razor and brush your teeth with my
toothbrush but you won’t come eat my momma’s Christmas ham,” he teased.

“I’m
sorry. Christmas is just… super fucking… I don’t know. I’m not a cheerful
person; you know this. I don’t like invading into someone’s family space when
I’m not family,” I replied.

“That’s
how you become family. If you don’t want to come I won’t push you. But, do you
plan on meeting them, ever? Or are we just going to keep pretending that we
exist in our own little bubble without annoying, prodding questions and
embarrassing childhood stories? Because that’s a part of life, Lilly. If that’s
what you’re trying to hide from, it’s ok,” he asserted.

“Yes,
I will meet your family. I will let you meet my family. Just not for Christmas.
There’s too much pressure,” I replied.

“Okay.
I love you,” Cash called after me as I walked to the kitchen. I still hadn’t
said it back. I don’t have a reason other than the fact that it annoys him, and
because it’s too built up at this point. I’ll say it on my terms.

“I
know,” I call back.

“Don’t
Han Solo me, motherfucker!” Cash chuckled.

“Why?
He’s the smoothest motherfucker in the universe,” I teased.

“Do
you love me, Lilly?” Cash asked, sincerely.

“You
have no chill,” I said, rolling my eyes. Yes, I fucking love you. I am so in
love with you that the thought of not being with you causes me physical pain. I
don’t want to leave your side, ever. I want to put you in my pocket and take
you with me everywhere I go. But the minute I tell you that, you’ll stop
trying.

“I
just want to make sure I’m not reading into things wrong. I just want to make
sure you’re as happy as you’re pretending. I don’t want to float along
blissfully just to get kicked in the teeth if you’re just waiting for an out.
I’m just asking for a little communication,” he prodded.

“You’re
not reading anything wrong, and I’m not going anywhere. They’re just words.
You’re giving them too much significance,” I argued.

“You
can’t give those words too much significance. They’re the most important words
in spoken language. Love topples empires, inspires art, motivates change,
people around the world have been living and dying for love since the beginning
of time. You can’t say that’s not significant,” Cash insisted with a flourish
of his hands.

“You
should write greeting cards,” I suggested.

“I
think I saw that on a greeting card, actually,” he laughed.

“What,
besides making sounds with my mouth in a particular pattern and cadence, do you
need me to do to show you I’m serious about us?” I asked.
 

 
“Come meet my mom, come spend an awkward
holiday with me,” he begged. I groaned and rolled my eyes.

“Fine,”
I said, defeated.

“Seriously?”
he asked, surprised.

“Yeah.
I guess,” I said.

“What
about your plane ticket to Florida?” He queried.

“Well,
I already had my parents promise to buy my ticket. It’s not actually physically
technically purchased yet. I just really didn’t want to go,” I admitted.

“Well
you already said you were coming. It’s too late to back out now!” Cash teased.

“I
won’t back out. Just promise me your mom won’t ask when we are getting married,
or what church we go to, or if I plan on having children, and that you will
keep your hands off me the entire weekend and won’t try to fuck me in your high
school bedroom,” I pleaded.

“I
cannot make any of those promises,” Cash replied, “in fact, I can almost one
hundred percent guarantee that she is going to ask all of those things, and I
will definitely try to at least get a blowjob, but, too late! Pack a bag!”

“On
a scale of one to ten, how much Jesus shit should I expect to see?” I teased.

“All
of it,” he replied, “Just… all of it.”

I got home from work and finished up
packing. Cash had already given me my Christmas present out of necessity,
luggage. He had apparently seen me on moving day, toting up garbage bags and
grocery bags full of clothes and belongings. It was thoughtful and useful and
made me feel terrible for waiting until the last minute to buy him a bourbon
gift set from the liquor store that I was already at. I decided I needed to
give him something important. I adjusted his real gift so the part I wanted him
to see first was facing outwards, snapped the box shut, and shoved it in my
suitcase. I think he’s going to love it.

Cash
texts me that he’s loading up the car. I hurry downstairs to meet him. He met
me at the entrance to the building and grabbed my bags.

“Are
you excited?” Cash asked.

“I
have literally never been more excited in my life,” I drone.

“Get
excited. This is important to me. My mom is going to love you. I can’t wait for
you guys to meet,” Cash went on.

I’m
bursting with anticipation and sheer joy. On the inside, where emotions
belong,” I chided, sliding into the passenger seat. Cash tossed my bags in the
trunk and hopped behind the wheel. He fiddled with his phone and Led Zeppelin
started pouring through the speakers.

“Seriously?”
I asked, shaking my head.

“What?”
he asked, smiling, “It’s a road trip
playlist.
Classic
rock was written for the highway.”

“Ok,
well, while I do have an appreciation for musical greats, I’m going to be
insufferably snotty and generational and listen to something written in the
last century,” I say, pulling my headphones out of my pocket.

“It
was written in the last century that’s not how time works. Do you mean this
century? You’re not just exclusively part of a whole different century just
because we’re in the two thousand’s now. You were born in the 80’s, you’re from
the last century but… wait… No! No headphones,” Cash whined, trying to grab
them from my hand, “you can’t put your headphones in. Who will partake in the
witty banter with underlying sexual attraction with me?”

“I
don’t hear any of that. All I hear is you trying to mansplain ordinal numbering
to me,” I groaned.

“Fine,
I’ll put something else on. I’m sorry, I don’t have any Taylor Swift,” he
jabbed.

“Hey.
Don’t hate on my T. Swift,” I defended.

“I’m
sorry, I’m allergic to terrible music,” he laughed.

“Now
that’s… no. We have to break up. I can’t believe you would say something that
hurtful, just, just give me your fucking phone,” I quipped, grabbing his phone
from his hand. We bickered about music for the first hundred miles. Which
post-hardcore pop punk bands were tolerable and which were mass produced
bullshit, which 80’s hair bands made music that was still palatable today, how
far down the rabbit hole of consumerism modern pop has fallen. I fell asleep
listening to Cash ramble on about how no one can actually hate Coldplay; it’s
just cool to make people think you hate Coldplay.

“Lilly,
hey, Lilly,” I woke up to Cash saying, unbuckling my seat belt and sitting my
seat up right.

“What
the fuck,” I mumbled.

“We’re
here. I know this is going to be difficult for you but please try to keep the
fuck words to a minimum,” Cash whispered, kissing me on the forehead. He
grabbed our bags out of the trunk as I stumbled out of the car and stretched.
It was a little after nine p.m. I wanted to go back to sleep. I followed him up
the porch step and into a warm, glowing home.

“Cash!
You made it in! Oh it’s so good to see you! And this must be Lilly! Oh, I’ve
heard so much about you!” Cash’s mother, (Linda? Susan? Sharon? Some popular
midcentury name like that,) said as she pulled me into an embrace. I really
hoped he would introduce her by name, and that I wasn’t expected to remember it
from the one time he mentioned it in passing.

“Is
that so?” I asked, glancing at Cash.

“Mom,
could you just, like, not embarrass me yet. I just walked through the door.
Lilly, this is my mom, Nancy,” Cash blushed.

“It’s
so great to finally meet you! I’ve heard a lot about you too,” I lied. Cash and
I mostly talked about shitty horror movies, first person shooters, and Star
Wars. While I’m sure we’d talked about our families at some point, I couldn’t
recall anything he’d said about her. I know his father took off when he was a
child and she had never remarried, but that was as much as I could recall.

“Well,
come in. Come in. Your brother is here. And that thing he calls a wife. Lord
help me,” Nancy whispered. I looked at Cash with wide eyes. Yay! Family
tension! Cannot wait. She ushered us into the living room.

“Hey
man! Good to see you,” Cash’s brother said, rising to his feet and pulling him
into a hug. He looked a lot like Cash, older, more weathered. He had a neater
hair cut, and blue eyes instead of brown. He extended his hand to me. “Hey, I’m
Hank,” he introduced himself. Of course that’s his name.
Somebody
listened to a lot of classic country during her
pregnancies.

“And
I’m Beth,” announced a shrewish brunette from the sofa; as if she were offended
she weren’t introduced.

“Yeah,
this is my wife, Beth,” Hank quickly chimed in.

“Nice
to meet you, I’m Lilly,” I responded.

“Yeah.
We know,” Beth snapped. I had no idea what Nancy was talking about, she seemed
absolutely delightful.

Nancy
fed us comically large portions of chicken and dumplings and went off to bed.
She said she never was a night owl and would see us in the morning. I tried to
make small talk with Beth while Hank and Cash talked about work. Cash bores me
into a stupor when he talks about his job. I am not an outwardly social person,
and am way outside of my comfort zone trying to talk to this woman. She has
nothing to contribute to our conversation. She stays glued to her phone screen
while I try to find some common ground. She is terrible. This is terrible.
Someone please kill me. I interrupt Cash’s conversation with his brother.

“Hey
I’m really, really tired. I kind of want to crash. What are sleeping
arrangements?” I ask.

“Yeah,
I think we’re going to call it a night, too,” Hank said.

“Oh,
come on, I’ll show you to my old room,” Cash said. He grabbed my bag from where
he’d left it in the foyer. I followed him up the stairs. His bedroom walls were
covered in band posters, movie posters, and concert memorabilia. It was a
typical teenage boy room. Like the typical teenage boy room, he had a twin size
bed.

“How
is that going to work?” I asked, gesturing towards the bed.

“We’re
just going to have to cuddle,” he teased, “or I can sleep downstairs on the
couch.”

“No,
stay in here with me,” I begged. I dug through my suitcase and quickly changed
into some frumpy pj’s. Cash stripped down to his boxers and jumped into the
bed. I flipped off the lights and slid in next to him. His hands fumbled around
me in the dark. He pulled my mouth into his.

“Nope.
No. Stop. I was serious! I am not fucking you in your mom’s house! Hands to
yourself
,” I whispered, swatting his hands away.

“Why
were you serious about that? It’s really okay. You know how many chicks I’ve
banged in this bed?” he asked, sliding his hands up the back of my shirt.

“Gross.
In what universe would that work. Now I’m just thinking about you banging other
chicks. Maybe you should go sleep on the couch,” I suggested.

“I’m
just saying. It’s not a big deal. Being this close to you gives me an instant
boner, I can’t help it,” Cash whined, continuing to grope at me.

“No.
There’s a house full of people. If you wanted to get lucky you should have
sprung for us to stay in a hotel,” I teased. Cash laid back, defeated. I
snuggled into his chest.

“This
is nice. Cuddling is nice. Your dick will still be there when we get home,” I
said.

“What
if I am in a tragic penis accident? You’ll feel like shit for saying that,” he
said.

“Compromise,
I’ll suck you off if you promise not to come onto me the rest of the weekend,”
I offered.

“Deal,”
Cash replied, shifting in the bed. He guided my hand down beneath the covers to
find him already exposed.

“I
was fucking kidding. Dude. Seriously,” I groaned, pulling my hand away.

“Lilly,
come on, you’re killing me. You just smell so good and you’re so warm,” Cash
said, burrowing his face into my bosom.
 

“You’ll
survive. Go to sleep,” I exclaimed, getting irritated.

“Fine,
fine. I’m gonna tear that ass up when we get home,” Cash said through his
teeth.

“Looking
forward to it,” I promised. I was as turned on as he was. It was difficult for
me to be inches away from him without my thoughts turning X-rated. But, being
in this house that I’d never been in before, with people I didn’t know, made me
extremely uncomfortable. I wonder if Hank is fucking his wife. Does that woman
even enjoy sex? She looks like the kind of person who only uses sex as a
bargaining chip, something she has to suffer through to get what she wants. She
was extremely intolerable as a human being from what I had seen so far.

“Thanks
for being here with me. I hope it’s not as bad as you’ve worked it up to be in
your head,” Cash said, nuzzling my forehead. He’s got my anxiety down pat.

“No
problem. I also hope it’s not as terrible as I’ve imagined it will be,” I
tease.

“Well.
Thanks either way. I love you,” he said, petting my hair.

“Go
to sleep,” I whispered.

 
I fell asleep practically on top of Cash,
as if there was any other way for two adults to sleep in a twin size bed.

I
woke up before Cash and headed towards the kitchen for some water. Nancy was
already in there, bustling around. The counters were overflowing with breakfast
foods.

“Did
you sleep well, sweetie?” she asked with a big, genuine smile. She had a kind
face.

“Yeah,
thanks,” I said.

“Are
you hungry? I’ve got eggs, and bacon, biscuits and gravy, uh, fruit. Starting
on some pancakes now!” she exclaimed.

“No,
I mean, yeah, but I’ll wait for Cash. Do you need any help?” I asked.

“Don’t
be silly. You’re my guest. Grab a plate, help yourself to whatever honey,” she
gestured to the buffet spread out on the counters. I grabbed a glass instead
and helped myself to some orange juice. I headed back upstairs to get dressed,
and heard Cash and his brother arguing quietly in the hallway.

“No.
Absolutely not,” Cash whisper screamed.

“Please
man. Please. I’m begging you,” Hank urged.

“No.
It is not negotiable. It’s just not going to fucking happen, I cannot do that.
I’m sorry. You’ll have to just be happy with-“ Hank had spotted me peeking
around the corner and tapped Cash on the shoulder, interrupting him.

“Morning
Lilly! How’d you sleep?” Hank asked.

“Uh,
fine. Your mom almost has breakfast ready,” I said; pushing past them, back to
Cash’s room. Cash followed me.

“It’s
Christmas Eve! Are you excited, Santa’s coming tonight,” he joked.

“What
the fuck was that all about? Why’d you have to stop talking when I walked up?”
I asked.

“Nothing.
Just my brother being an idiot,” Cash replied. I could tell from his dismissive
tone that was all that I was going to get. I grabbed my clothes and headed
towards the bathroom. I took an uncomfortable shower. The knobs were
temperamental, and the water could either be scalding hot or ice cold. There
was no in between. I braided my hair down my back and met the family at the
dining room table.

“Cash,
get her a plate,” Nancy called across the table.

“I
can, I can get my own plate. It’s okay,” I stuttered. Cash stood up anyway and
dashed to the kitchen. He came back balancing a plate of food, a cup of coffee,
and glass of orange juice. I took a seat and he sat it down in front of me.
Beth rolled her eyes.

“So
tell me how you guys met,” Nancy suggested.
 

“Well,
uh. We’re neighbors. We just, uh, I don’t know. Hit it off,” I awkwardly
replied.

“That’s
so sweet,” Nancy began, “you see God puts people into your life that are
supposed to be there. What are the odds of you two happening to move into the same
place? It’s fate, it’s God.”

“Oh,
I’m not sure that he has a whole lot to do with our-“ Cash kicked me under the
table, “I mean, uh, yeah. I- totally. Yep,” I stammered.

“So
is this going to be the one to give me grandbabies?” Nancy asked, taking a sip
of coffee.

“Ma,
Jesus Christ. We don’t even live together yet,” Cash groaned. I covered my face
with my hand.

“You
don’t say that in this house! You know better. Anyway, you’re my last hope! I
don’t want to die without grandbabies. Your brother is already a lost cause.
Beth is too old,” she explained.