Ricochet (51 page)

me that I had to bring home $200 to help pay the

rent, and when I asked how, he took me to the

coffee shop, pointed, and said 'from her'."

Matt stared at him. "And you did it? You stole

her money?"

"No." Rick shook his head. "I couldn't do it,

Matty. I tried - I told her this story about needing

the money, and she even gave it to me - but I

couldn't take it. When I came home without the

cash, my dad packed my bags and threw them out

onto the porch. He said I was too soft, and my

great big bleeding heart where subs were

concerned meant I'd never be a good grifter like

him."

"Where did you go?"

"Where could I go? I went back to my barista.

Her name was Sally, and she was so sweet. She

took me in - she lived in a tiny little apartment, but

it was cozy, just like it'd been with mom all those

years ago. She was the first sub I ever topped, and

I loved it. I'd watched Dad enough over the years

that I knew how to get close to a sub and find out

what they liked and how to give it to them. At first,

I used that skill to please her. I loved pleasing her

like that - devising play sessions and fulfilling

every fantasy she had. It was the best time." He

smiled at the memory, and Matt had a sudden

realization.

"Sally - she's the sub you were once in love

with?"

"Yes. She was strong and feisty, but sweet

and funny and kind too, and sort of a lost soul. I

guess that's how I like them." Rick glanced at Matt.

"She had a big heart - she'd give you the shirt off

her back - but I was young, mixed up, and angry as

hell inside, and I found the one thing my dad had

taught me, the one thing I was really good at, was

how to seduce a sub. So I did."

"You cheated on her?"

"Oh boy, yes. A lot." Rick grimaced. "I used

to get bored while she was out at work, so one day

I went to a bar, met a sub, and for a game I tried to

see how easy it'd be to sweet-talk him into bed. I

hadn't intended to go through with it, but once I

realized how easy it was I found I couldn't stop. It

was the only skill I had and it made me feel good,

so soon I was sleeping around behind her back all

the time and using her money to do it while she

went out to work."

"And she found out?"

"She had her suspicions, and she challenged

me about them. We started arguing, and I'd seen the

way this went down often enough to recognize the

signs. So, here's the bad part." Rick was silent for

a moment, and then he turned to Matt with a

twisted little smile.

"I knew she was going to throw me out, so I

cleaned out her bank account and ran out on her in

the middle of the night, just like my daddy taught

me. I wasn't lying to you yesterday, Matty. I was a

vicious little shit, and I screwed Sally over despite

the fact I loved her."

"You were just a kid, Rick. It was all you

knew."

"No, I knew better because I'd comforted

some of my father's subs when he was being a shit

to them. I was their shoulder to lean on, and

although I hated how much he hurt them, I went and

did the exact same thing to my own sub the minute I

was old enough to find one. She didn't have much,

Matt." Rick ran a hand through his hair wearily.

"But what she had, I took. All of it. I didn't leave

her with so much as a cent to pay the rent or buy

food. I was cruel as well as bad."

"Did you ever see her again?" Matt asked

quietly.

"Yeah. Oh yeah." Rick gave a shaky laugh. "I

bumped into her in a club one night a few months

later, completely by accident. I literally bumped

into her, and we looked at each other, and I was

going to say something but she gave me a look of

such betrayal that I knew there was no point

because that was how Marcus had once looked,

and Anna, and all the subs my dad had betrayed.

Now that look was directed at me, and I knew I

deserved it because that was who I was now, and I

didn't want to be that person."

"And you're not!" Matt said vehemently.

"You're not, Rick. You earn your own money now,

and you haven't lived like that in years."

"No, but I still have those skills," Rick said.

"I'm not the kind of dom who'd ever ignore your

safeword and abuse you, Matt, but I'm just as

dangerous in my own way. See, I'm the kind of

dom who knows how to play you. Give me a little

time with you, and I'll figure out how to get into

your head and how to play exactly the kinds of

sweet music on your body that you'll enjoy the

most. I can make you love me, Matt and nobody

should love me because I'm not worth it, and I'll let

you down in the end."

"I don't believe that's true," Matt told him

fiercely.

Rick flashed him a tight, unhappy smile.

"Kind of you to say so, but it is. After I saw that

look in Sally's eyes, I decided that I'd never do that

to a sub again. I wasn't going to cause another

Marcus, or an Anna, or a Sally to ever happen

again. I wasn't going to be my dad. I felt guilty and

angry, so I got into fights, shoplifted, committed a

few burglaries, and ended up in juvie, but I never

conned another sub, ever again. I never let myself

get close enough."

"That was a long time ago. You're not that kid

anymore."

"I'm always that kid," Rick said firmly.

"Inside, Matty - that's who I am, so I take care of

subs the best way I know how, to protect them

from me."

"The no reruns policy," Matt said softly.

"Yeah. I don't want any sub falling in love

with me because if they don't fall in love with me,

then I can't hurt them. I don't mind subs getting mad

at me." Rick gave a twisted little grin. "Hell, that's

good; that means I'm annoying them so much that

they aren't falling for me."

"So you skate the surface of being a dom -

you play at it, so you won't get in too deep," Matt

said slowly, the last part of the puzzle that was

Rick O'Shea finally slotting into place.

"I play it well!" Rick said brightly. "I put a

play collar on them, tie them to the bed, fuck 'em

hard and always show them a good time - but for

one night only, so they never get close enough for

me to hurt them."

"You're scared of the dom inside you, Rick;

you don't trust him."

"With good reason."

"I do though." Matt put his hand on Rick's

arm. "I trust him enough for both of us. I don't think

he'd ever hurt me."

Rick smiled. "Thank you, Matty, but that's

what all my dad's subs thought too; every single

one of them."

"You're not your dad, Rick."

"No, but I look just like him, Matty, and he

brought me up to think like him too."

"I don't think he did. You behaved like him

once - with Sally - and it upset you so much that

you never did it again."

"Because I made a choice; I keep it free and

easy, and nobody gets hurt."

"Except you," Matt pointed out quietly.

Rick shrugged. "I'd rather it was me than a

sub. I never want to be responsible for hurting a

sub again."

"Isn't that already the difference between you

and your dad though?" Matt suggested. "Because it

sounds to me like he hates subs - but you don't,

Rick. You're the opposite."

"I can't risk it," Rick told him firmly. "And

trust me - you are the last person I'd ever want to

take that risk with. I care about you too much for

that, Matty. You're the best friend I ever had."

"Then take a chance on us, Rick. We could be

so good together. You know that!"

Rick shook his head. "About a year ago, once

I started making some serious money on
Collar

Crime
, I tracked Sally down. I… uh… offered her

some money, to make up for what I stole all those

years ago. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to

do, but I wanted to make amends. She wouldn't

take it. She didn't want anything to do with me or

anything from me, and I don't blame her. She's a

nurse now, so I made a big donation to the hospital

she works at; I didn't know what else to do."

"It was a nice thing to do."

"I didn't tell her about the donation though. I

didn't want her to…" Rick broke off with a shrug.

"I wasn't trying to buy her forgiveness. I wanted to

right a wrong, but she gave me that same look all

over again when I saw her, and it reminded me

what a shit I am. I can't trust myself, Matt. I

honestly can't."

Matt studied him thoughtfully. "Look, Rick -

maybe I can understand why you don't want to get

close to a sub, but why all the sleeping around? Do

you need the sex that much?"

Rick shook his head. "It's not the sex, Matty.

It's… it's a way of escaping - like you with the

counting. Sex is how I forget who I am and the

terrible things I've done. When Petra said I

couldn't go out clubbing for the rest of the season -

that was hard. I nearly broke my no reruns policy

because I was scared of who I'd be without that

distraction. I can play the Rick-the-idiot act pretty

well as long as I have that crutch to lean on, but

without it the cracks started to show, and I was

scared shitless about facing up to myself and who I

really am. Then you showed up with that

ridiculous spank buddy offer."

Matt blushed and buried his face in his hands.

"Don't remind me. You must have thought I was

completely nuts."

"Nah - I thought it was kind of cute, and it

was a lifesaver. It fed the dom inside me and gave

me something to focus on. You have no idea how

good it felt to get up in the morning and know I'd

soon get to spank that fantastic ass of yours." Rick

grinned. "That was what I missed most - I'm kind

of a spankaholic."

"I had noticed." Matt rolled his eyes.

"There's something else too - something I only

realized yesterday. See, having all that sex was the

only way I got to express the dom inside me, but I

never played with any of those subs the way I did

with you. I never went deep, or really felt my own

dominance - and I guess that what I lacked in

quality, I tried to make up for in sheer quantity."

"So you weren't even having satisfying sex?"

"I thought I was, but it was only when I

topped you the other night that I realized what I'd

been missing. With you, I got the chance to take a

sub down and express my dominant self in a way I

haven't done in years, and it was a completely

different experience."

"So why can't we do it again?"

"Because it isn't safe. I'm not safe. You can't

trust me, Matty. You shouldn't damn well trust me.

I know I don't trust myself - and with good reason."

Matt rested his chin on his knees and glanced

sideways at him. "Look, Rick, I understand where

you're coming from - I've been afraid of a part of

myself for most of my life too - but I faced my

fears, with your help. I'd like to help you do the

same."

Rick sighed. "Yeah, but see, thing is - you're

braver than me, Matty."

"Bullshit!"

"It's true. You are brave, Matty. I know how

scared you were the other night - I saw how much

it meant to you, and how hard you found it, but you

hung on in there, and you chased those demons

down."

"You could do the same!"

"But if I failed, it wouldn't just be me who I

ended up hurting - it'd be you too, and I can't risk

that, Matty. How I feel about betraying Sally is

absolutely nothing compared to how I'd feel if I

fucked up with you."

Matt glared at him. "You're wrong, Rick!

You're wrong about everything. You're so wrong I

want to slap you upside the head and make you see

sense!"

"You know me. I am, and always will be, an

idiot." Rick gave a wry little grin.

"No. That's kind of the point. You aren't,"

Matt said quietly. "That's what you want people to