Riding on Air (24 page)

“Breathe,” she reminded me and I let out a jittery breath. I had to consciously suck another one in and push it out again, but I made myself do it. If you hold your breath you automatically get tense and even more nervous, but it you make yourself breathe it goes a long way to keeping you relaxed.

“OK?” Tash asked, gazing up at me with anxiety in her gorgeous eyes as I sorted out my reins.

“Yep.” I willed it to be true. Jinx, although standing quietly for the moment, could flash back to his racehorse days under stressful situations like a competition and if I couldn't shake loose the crashing attack of nerves that had just hit me, we were in big trouble.

I breathed—in and out, in and out—knowing my hands were shaking. My legs quivered against my horse as though the muscles were getting zapped with electrical charges and my mouth had gone as dry as a dam in a drought. But I couldn't to do anything to stop it, besides breathe. I tucked my backside a little more comfortably in the saddle, stretched my ankles to ease the firm fit of my leather top boots and picked up the contact with my reins.

“OK,” I said and nudged Jinx into a walk.

We started out fine, Jinx settling into a not-too-fast walk along the wide grassy gap between the rows of parked floats. I twisted in the saddle, meaning to remind Eleni about my coat, but saw she had it draped over her arm and turned back around again. I considered, but rejected, asking her to grab my phone from my hoodie inside the float; it was too late to worry about that now and I needed to concentrate on Jinx, not William.

Jinx's walk quickened almost imperceptibly, but I was so acutely conscious of the feedback I was getting from him that I noticed immediately. It wasn't a good sign, but I tried not to let it make me even more anxious. I knew we were capable of winding each other tighter and tighter and I also knew it was up to me to break that cycle before it could get started. Jinx wasn't capable of reasoning it out—he couldn't do anything but react to what I did. It was entirely my job, my responsibility, to get him calm and working well. And to keep him that way.

And Tash couldn't help me. The rules specified that only one person could ride a horse during a competition and that extended to the warm up and parking areas. I had to warm Jinx up myself because I was the one competing on him. If I put Tash up and someone noticed, I'd be disqualified. And even if nobody did notice or lodge a protest, I'd know. It wasn't worth the risk.

And anyway, I'd had enough help to get me here. If I was going to do this and have it feel like I had really done it, then it needed to be me today. I had to prove to everyone I could do it. I had to prove that even if I had got some things wrong, I was right about this.

Breathe in, breathe out, deep, slow, regular, audible breaths that not only helped me relax but could help to settle an anxious horse. Jinx's ears flicked constantly as he assessed his surroundings. He shifted his attention to me, then back out, always moving like antennae. This too was a sign he was a little anxious.

I walked him some more, warming up his muscles, and took up a shorter contact, asking with a little more leg and seat for a bit more ‘swing', reminding myself constantly to breathe, continually monitoring my muscles for any unwanted tension that would affect my position and make Jinx anxious.

When we went into trot, though, it was obvious that things weren't right. Jinx was hesitant and inattentive, coming above the bit and gawking around. Although I knew I had to centre myself and ride him forward, I couldn't make myself do it. It was one thing to know what was required, another to be able to do it when I'd had so much trouble holding him just recently. If he took off on me here it wouldn't just be embarrassing. There were so many people, horses, trucks, cars, kids and dogs around—it would be dangerous.

I went quickly down to walk and turned him back towards Eleni and Tash, my cheeks burning. What on earth must they think of me? To be so useless after all the work they'd put in. I saw Tash had the crate with her. They really had thought of everything.

“Hop off and put your coat on so you can do your gear check while there's nobody waiting,” Tash said, plonking the crate beside us. “Then we'll head down to the arena and you can work him in. Where's your Mum and Dad?”

“They're already down there. They know I don't like them watching me get ready, it makes me nervous.”

Tash snorted. “I don't think anything could make you more nervous than you already are,” she said. I should have realised she'd noticed and wasn't about to pretend she hadn't.

“I dunno about that,” Eleni said, looking past Jinx's rump. About to get off so I could put on my coat, I turned to look where she was looking and Jinx sidled, shifting his weight to follow mine. Tash and I both checked him. Then I saw what Eleni had seen. Or, rather, who.

William.

Wearing his battered farm hat, work shirt and boots, William was ambling towards us with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. I couldn't believe it was really him.

My heart boomed against my ribs and started racing along, banging so hard it made me feel queasy. What little moisture I'd worked into my mouth disappeared, sucked out of me like rain on the desert.

“How's it going?” he said as he reached us.

“Crap thanks to you,” Tash said coldly.

William's gaze flickered from her to me and then away again.

“Tash, come with me,” Eleni said.

“Why?”

“So I can kill you. Come. Now.”

“But—”

“Now. I want to ask the gear steward something.”

Tash, who obviously believed that about as much as I did, finally let Eleni drag her away. My face burning, heart trying to climb out of my throat, I was glad to see her go. Whatever William had to say to me, I didn't want Tash there to provide an acid commentary from misplaced loyalty.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hi.” William kept his eyes on Jinx and reached out to rub his nose. Jinx butted him in the arm, obviously pleased to see him again. I knew how he felt.

“Jinx is looking well,” William said.

“He's going well. Tash has been riding him up until this week.”

“I know.” William finally looked up and those blue eyes left my head reeling, just like always. Breathe in, breathe out, I reminded myself. Don't faint and fall off.

“You look really good too.”

“I—so do you.”

“I got your text.”

“Yes.”

“I was coming anyway.”

“Oh.” Hope, that had spiked so madly sky-high when I saw him walking towards me among all the horses and people, sank rapidly back to earth. He might have got my text, but from the sound of his voice, he hadn't got my message.

Numbly, I lifted my right foot free of the stirrup. I glanced down to make sure the crate was still in the right place, but Jinx had sidled too far from it. I looked around for the girls but they were still stalking the gear steward who now had a couple of riders on horses waiting for their check.

“Can you please bring that crate over?” I asked William.

“Why?”

“I have to get off and put my jacket on. I need to have a gear check and I have to be fully dressed.”

William gazed up at me for a long moment.

“What?” I mean, I knew this look wasn't altogether flattering—my hair was by far my best feature and right now it was scraped back into a bun—but he was looking at me so intently I was starting to wonder if I'd smudged hoof oil on my face or something.

“Why don't you just put your coat on without getting off? While you're on Jinx?”

It was my turn to give him an eye-popping stare.

“Says Mr Safety. Jeez, that's a good way to have an accident even if your hands work properly, let alone—what are you doing?” I gasped, because William had stepped up beside Jinx and put his hands around my waist.

“An assisted dismount. Kick both your feet out.”

“William!” I mumbled, rattled and a tiny bit thrilled. My hope-meter was on the rise again as I kicked my other foot free and leant forward so he didn't have to reach so high. He set me on my feet, only inches separating us, his big hands still circling my waist. I felt seared by his touch through the thin cotton of my shirt, sick with throttled hope and delight to be so close to him again.

“You really can be careful. I guess you did mean what I hoped you meant.”

I opened my mouth to tell him I'd never do something as stupid as change my clothing while I was sitting on my horse and then shut it again. Perception was everything. He believed I'd been riding Jinx when I wasn't up to it and taking dangerous risks, so why should I be surprised that he had assumed I'd do other risky things on my horse?

Especially because, in what he thought about my hands and my ability to ride Jinx at least, he'd been right. I'd sent him a text that said: ‘U were right about my hands. U were right about a lot of things. Love U. M'.

“I meant it Will. You were right and I'm sorry I was such a bitch about it. I just—I have to do this today, it's been my dream for so long. It's what makes me feel normal.”

“Forget normal, why can't you see how special you are?”

“I—special? No, wait. Just listen.” With both ears fully pricked, I thought, remembering my midnight conversation with Jennie, and it gave me courage to say what I had to say. “I get it now that you weren't trying to ruin my life by stopping me riding. You were actually trying to protect it. Trying to protect
me
. And I guess that means you really do care about me. But I couldn't understand how that could be, so I never let myself believe it. And that meant I couldn't see why you acted the way you did. I thought I didn't trust how you felt, but that wasn't true. I didn't trust how being with you made
me
feel. I was afraid that I was fooling myself and I just couldn't bear it.”

“I've always cared about you. I just had to wait until you were old enough that Gary and Brendan wouldn't run me off with a shotgun.”

Such a thrill ran through me that I forgot what I was going to say next. I reached up and slid my gloved hands around his neck. I was aware, even in that moment, that the only reason my hands were in good enough shape to do that was largely William's doing. But that wasn't what made me do it. I just couldn't stand not to have my hands on him, not to know if
he
meant it. I needed to know if he was going to welcome my touch. I'd have pulled my gloves off except I knew that would really be pushing it with my hands and I still had to ride two tests.

William kissed me then, despite how seriously unattractive I had to look in my hairnet and helmet. He kissed me as if he didn't care about the people riding, walking and driving past, as if he didn't hear Tash's wolf whistle and Eleni telling her to shut up. He kissed me with an intensity that had me forgetting about championships and tests and everything going on around us. My stomach turned a slow flip and slide, then sank slowly back into place.

When his lips parted from mine, for once I didn't feel shocked and cold with the loss. I felt the lingering warmth of his mouth, the actual warmth of his hand on my back, and I stood in a bit of a daze while Tash got my reins sorted and Eleni and William both helped me into my jacket because now I was running late, but I didn't care.

The nerves had gone. My stomach had once again become an organ I didn't really notice, rather than one that took up most of my attention with its unwelcome contortions. There was so much I needed to talk to William about and I wanted to tell the girls it was all OK now, all of it, but there was no time. They had me buttoned up, mounted up and were directing me towards the gear steward. I knew it was all going to have to wait until after I did my test.

The nerves were
gone
. I sucked in a huge breath and let it out. I took the next one automatically, without having to make myself suck it in. I was grinning like a sideshow clown as I rode Jinx into a neat halt beside the frazzled gear steward. For the first time that day I started to be able to actually think about the test pattern we were about to perform and how best to prepare Jinx for it in the shortened warm-up time we had left.

I rode Jinx into the dressage arena, straight up the centre line in sitting trot, driving him forward softly into my hands with my seat, eyes straight ahead on the judge sitting in her car. Just before the X in the middle of the arena I half-halted Jinx, timing it just right so that we made our halt bang on X. I could sense through my seat that Jinx was beautifully square. I could just glimpse the flowing arch of the black rosettes along his gleaming neck and as I took the reins in one hand and saluted the judge, I felt lifted on a bubble of happiness. We were off to an excellent start and that counted for so much in a test.

The judge nodded back to me. I took the reins in both hands once more and sent Jinx forward again in sitting trot, keeping my head up, making that left turn back onto the outside track right in front of the judge a crisp, impressively deep turn to show how supple Jinx was. I concentrated on breathing—in, out, in, out—and seeing the patterns I needed to ride so I could prepare early and ride Jinx strongly into each movement.

I reckon there are three keys to riding a good competition dressage test: prepare for the movement, let it happen and prepare again for the next one. There's no time to look back on mistakes. You have to empty them straight out of your head or you'll just make more mistakes on the next movements. When riding a test there's a lot to remember. A lot to get right.

Our first leg-yield was tentative as we were going to our weak side. We wobbled a bit and had an ugly transition coming back from showing a lengthened trot across the diagonal, but I just kept breathing and kept riding. Kept looking for the shape of the next movement.

Everything we did in one direction, we had to repeat the other way. I knew we were going to lose some more marks there because one thing judges look for is symmetry and Jinx and I were still noticeably better one way than the other. Although not nearly as much as he'd been before; Tash riding him for a few weeks had evened him up a lot. It showed me what two good hands and a really good rider could do.