Riotous Retirement (15 page)

Helga’s heart skipped a beat at the question. “Well, instructions from head office,” Helga reminded Cedric.

“Yes I know that Helga, they were my instructions, but they were supposed to be in blue paint. You know blue, the universal colour for clean water?”

Helga’s brain was now in top gear panic mode.

“Yes yes, we know it has to be blue, but this is just a temporary measure, while we order the blue paint. Our supplier was out of the bright blue in the kind of paint required for outside metal surfaces. We thought red would draw the residents’ attention just as well as a temporary measure.” Helga delivered this along with a broad confident smile to Cedric and he wrote something on his clipboard. She was now sure he would ask what the residents had thought of this brilliant idea of paint on the gratings but he didn’t.  Helga allowed herself a sigh of relief because she had not yet notified the residents of what the paint was for!

Her relief was short lived. They had just got into the buggy again and were moving to another area of the village when around the next corner, in the middle of the road, stood Duncan Stuart, Mrs Milne and Emily Campbell in deep conversation.  Oh my God, thought Helga, I know what these three are talking about and we do not want to take part!

Cedric gave a friendly wave, fully expecting Helga to slow down and allow him to converse with this group of very obviously friendly, happy villagers. Cedric almost fell out of the passenger side of the buggy as Helga, instead of slowing down, speeded up, swerving violently to the right and then to the left again to avoid the three standing in the middle of the road.

“No time,” said Helga by way of explanation to Cedric’s look of incredulity. “That group would have kept us there for ages.”

Eventually Helga and Cedric were ensconced safely in her office. The EH&S audit was now over, apart from a chat with the village staff who were all joining Helga and Cedric for morning coffee. Helga was confident her loyal staff would not let her down and she was right. There was pleasant conversation, punctuated by special cake, courtesy of Helga. They talked about what a terrific village Burnside was, how they all enjoyed working there and all appreciated the one big happy family atmosphere that pervaded the village. Tongues were in cheeks in most mouths but it all went off very smoothly.

Helga was sure that, despite almost tipping Cedric from the buggy in the act of avoiding Duncan and the others, this time the village would get full marks for the EH&S audit. 

Cedric had left, the other staff had returned to their normal duties, and Helga, alone in her office, allowed herself the luxury of two stiff gins as a reward for all the trauma she had suffered the last two hours or so with Cedric. Ten minutes had passed and a feeling of normality was returning for Helga when the phone rang. She picked it up. “Yes” she said to her secretary in the outer office.

“It’s Cedric Colliston for you.”

Helga sat up as she prepared to talk to Cedric.

“My goodness you got back to your office pretty smartly. You didn’t break any speed limits I hope?” Helga joked.

“I’m not in my office. I’m outside villa number 15. Could you come over here now?” And Cedric hung up.

Oh dear, something was up and not good news, thought Helga. Her first thought was that she could not allow Cedric to smell alcohol on her breath so she would stay her distance. And then it struck her. A panic welled up from deep in her stomach. Number 15, Gabriel Bovary. If it’s got anything to do with that bastard, I’ll murder him.

Helga walked to number 15 through the narrow roads of the village. It gave her time to clear her mind and prepare for whatever she would have to confront.

As she turned the corner, she could see the action taking place outside number 15. Blocking the road completely, and preventing Cedric’s escape from the village carrying his positive report, was a huge fire engine. The firemen were gathered around a storm water drain operating a block and tackle apparatus slung from the apex of a huge tripod.  Two firemen were carefully pulling on the rope and gradually out of the drain appeared a face that, red and mucky though it was, Helga recognised immediately as belonging to Gabriel Bovary. Gabriel’s abdomen and huge rear end were encased in a special rescue sling, which, once it was clear of the drain was lowered gently onto a stretcher.

Helga could hardly breathe as she absorbed this scene and its consequences began to play out in her mind. All that Gabriel had suffered was the indignity of the situation. He had got his foot stuck in the last step of the ladder down into the drain. But the amount of damage and pain he had again caused Helga was beyond measure.

Helga eventually went back to the office knowing she must conduct an investigation into this sad affair. Her report would have to include the fact that a resident, one Gabriel Bovary, had attempted to find out if red paint had been poured down the drain and that his wife had to call the fire brigade to rescue him. But worse than that, much worse than that, she would have to admit that the residents didn’t know why there were red marks on the drain covers.

She had another three gins to prevent herself getting a bush knife from among the gardening tools, going to Villa 15 and murdering Gabriel Bovary on the spot. He had ruined it once again!

Sustainability

Gabriel makes folk see red
Helga tries but he gets in ahead
Possums, snakes, the Bush Turkey too
Harmless enough if they aren’t put in a stew
Audit Day  -  Gabe should stay in  his bed

Recipes

Cul de veau a l’angevine

This is Gabriel’s recipe of course but Brenda was consulted about it because it was presumed this would result in a more reliable account. Brenda wrote it out for us:

I know Gabriel believes that there are lots of fancy rare and expensive herbs and spices in this recipe but I don’t usually bother with many. A bouquet garni, a few leaves of tarragon and a bit of rosemary do just as well. Gabriel never sees what I am doing because he needs all his concentration to chop the carrots, mushrooms and onions. This is how I usually cook
cul de veau a l’angevine,
as Gabriel likes to call it or just plain veal pot roast, but it is delicious, especially the sauce! It will serve up to 8 people.

Ingredients

2 kg, or about this, of rump of veal (plain quality rump of beef would also do if all the fat is removed.)

125 g of bacon

125 g of ham

125 g of butter

100 g of chopped up onion

500 g of mushrooms roughly chopped

100 g of diced carrots

1 bouquet garni, a few leaves of tarragon, a sprig of rosemary and black pepper

Just less than half a bottle of dry white wine

3 egg yolks

200 ml of cream

Juice of half a lemon

3 cups of beef stock or make up using powdered stock

A dessertspoon of plain flour

Method

Rub the veal with the pepper and a little finely chopped rosemary

In a heavy bottomed large pot fry the diced bacon and ham in the butter.

Remove and reserve the bacon and ham from the pot and add the veal. Brown it on all sides.

Add onions, carrots, flour, the wine and the beef stock and combine. Add the bouquet garni.

Cook very slowly on the stovetop for at least 2.5 hours. Remove the bouquet garni.

Add the reserved bacon, ham, tarragon leaves and mushrooms and cook very slowly for another hour.

Remove from the heat. Gently mix three egg yolks with the cream and stir into the liquid in the pot without boiling.

Add the lemon juice and stir and the dish is ready to serve. Remove the meat, carve and serve with the sauce and your favourite accompaniment—pasta, potato, greens, salad or whatever.

Brenda Bovary

This is Duncan’s recipe. Duncan was observed actually making this dip and careful notes were taken of quantities and the method used. Duncan dictated the recipe under supervision, as follows:

First you must catch a bush turkey and I usually use a simple leg snare of very fine wire carefully laid in the leaf litter. You must check the snare very regularly because you don’t want the beast to get stressed.

If you can’t get a bush turkey or someone tells you this is illegal in your area, then a wood pigeon or a crow make equally good special biscuit dip.

If for some strange reason you don’t want to use any of the above, then you probably prefer to waste good money buying a dead bird that has been grown and killed by the dead bird dealers in your area. This is fine because these birds, usually chickens, are bigger and the dealers always keep them pretty fresh these days.

Ingredients

Left over roast bird meat removed from the bones and chopped up very very finely.

All the bones and every single piece of the bird after the meat has been removed.

Water; just enough to barely cover the bones and other left over bits using a medium sized pan.

Pepper and a very little salt

2 x hot red chillies deseeded and chopped very very finely.

A few sprigs of parsley chopped very very finely.

Method

Boil the bones and bits in the water for about an hour allowing the water to reduce a little (not too much) to get all the goodness out of the bones into the water. Give it a stir now and again.

Strain the liquid from the bones and keep the liquid. Skim off any fat from the surface of the liquid. You can then throw the bones out into the yard or wrap them and bin them if you must!

It is important to have the same volume of chopped up meat as you use of liquid stock to get the correct consistency for the dip.

Combine meat and liquid and add the chillies, salt and pepper and parsley into the dish or dishes you want to serve the dip in.

Allow to cool and set in the fridge if you have one.

It can be used as biscuit dip but I usually have it on toast for my breakfast.

Duncan Stuart

Acknowledgements

The authors would like to thank the following who all contributed in some way to the creation of the book Riotous Retirement.

The wives of the authors, Marjorie Robertson and Denise Smallwood, who put up with excessive husband enthusiasm for the project and probably in both cases, neglect of other more important husbandly duties. Both read and criticised without fear or favour each and every story. This was not always appreciated at the time but these points of view were always acted on of course. Marjorie also insisted on a very thorough proofread before the manuscript went to the editor even although her husband said, that was like washing your sheets before putting them to the laundry. But the manuscript was indeed very carefully proofread.

The authors also thank our other readers who all took their responsibility very seriously indeed; Sylvia Buxton and Ria Fewster, two ladies who live in a retirement village and are therefore in a good position to cast a very critical and informed eye on the stories; Claire Hardke who provided very useful and detailed comment on each and every story and the members of Nightwriters, a group who meet fortnightly and criticise each others writing.

Thanks also go to Shirley Clark who so cleverly crafted the verses that follow each story and Gary Young who provided the cover illustration and skillfully sketched activities by all the major characters in the book.

And a very big thank you to our publisher, Agneau Press and all their associates who organised the myriad of other processes associated with producing a book.

Both authors value all the help they have had and this book would not have been as it is without such support. Thank you one and all. 

Brian Robertson and Ron Smallwood
.

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